Tag: humor

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 4

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G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University (the college where there aren’t any courses–really, it’s easier that way). Here’s a little sample to get you revved up for the show!

4:25 P.M.   Ch. 11    MOVIE–Intense, almost unbearable, horror

In Pharaoh, Schmarrow (Greek/Portuguese, 1991), two workmen (Jerome Kern, Izod LaCost) carrying an unopened mummy case up the world’s longest, steepest flight of stairs, find something indescribably horrible waiting for them at the top. But first they have to get past the June Taylor Dancers on the staircase! Song: I’ve Got Chiggers

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 05   SHOTGUN SIKORSKIY–Eastern Western

Wandering the outskirts of Poland’s major cities as if they were America’s Old West, Zgismund Sikorskiy (Tim Moore) continues his hunt for the horse-thief/bank robber who shot his dad in Dog Breath, New Mexico. He has to look for him in Poland because he lost his passport. Mr. Julep: Chiang Kai-shek. Miss LaFong: Dorothy Lamour.

Ch. 18   YOU’RE FAMOUS AND WONDERFUL!–Pure B.S.

“You can be anyone or anything you want to be!” proclaims host Swami Baloni Jidrool. See less-than-ordinary guests morph into the likes of Pablo Picasso, Churchill, Joe DiMaggio, and a poached egg! And anyone who doesn’t Affirm their new identities gets beaten to a pulp. The greatest audience participation show since Queen for a Day. And speaking of Queen for a Day…

Ch. 19  EMPRESS FOR A DAY–Deranged wish fulfillment

What if you had absolute power, the power of life and death, over everyone on your block? From suburban housewife to insane dictator, Empress for a Day will show your neighbors who’s boss! Host: Frank “Dys” Topia. Expert witness: Loretta Young. See Loretta flounce down the marble staircase in a flowing gown just as this week’s Empress cries “Off with their heads!” Recommended by the United Nations Human Rights Commission.

5 P.M.  Ch. 62   MINI-SHAKESPEARE–Classic drama/Puppet show

Something wonderful happens to a Shakespearean tragedy–think Othello–when the actors in the cast are only 12 inches high, with papier-mache heads. Commentary: Soupy Sales. This week: Richard III, boiled down to 25 minutes. With Gabby Hayes and his orchestra.

So who cares about the weather, when there’s stuff like this to watch on TV? I’ll post a few more Christmas carols and then settle down with a handful of nice crisp leaves to watch Shotgun Sikorskiy, my favorite Polish Western.

Fact: We had a Western in Australia once–Whiplash, starring Peter Graves. My Grandpa Fuzzycheeks had a walk-on role that had all the platypuses talking.

Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo - Download Image Now - iStock

Mmmm-um!

A Fox’s Funny-Bone

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My wife loves these fox videos. I never knew foxes could laugh maniacally until she started watching these. Sounds like they must’ve read Comrade Xi’s jokings book.

We are told it’s not a swell idea to bring foxes indoors. Better they do their laughing outside.

Cats and Babies: The Return

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(Please excuse the portentous title. I’ve always wanted to write one.)

Our cats get plenty of cuddling, but we are careful not to sit on them. I marvel at the patience shown by the cats in this video. They’ll put up with stuff from babies and toddlers that they’d never tolerate from us. Is it love?

Dogs & Cats on Ice

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As long as you don’t land on your head or break something else (like your coccyx!), sliding on the ice is lots of fun. I still enjoy it, and I’m not even a dog or a cat.

You can’t tell me these critters aren’t having fun.

Your Pet… Mink?

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I never heard of anybody having a pet mink. Do you have to provide them with an abundance of plastic Easter eggs?

They’re so graceful, such handsome animals! But the one in this video looks like he might be just a bit too high-energy for me to have for a pet.

Cats Take No Guff from Bears

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Here are five confrontations between cats and bears; and in only one does the bear come out ahead.

Why are these bears afraid of cats–and why aren’t the cats afraid of the bears? Seems like the whole thing is going backwards.

Fun False Fact: In 1948 cats drove all the bears out of Ireland.

The Day of the Jackalope (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

“I was really stuck on this chapter,” Violet Crepuscular confesses to readers of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “Being the Queen of Suspense is hard! Why, just the other day I caught some wacko going fishing in my goldfish pond! I had to have Mr. Pitfall come over and do him an injury.”

In Chapter CDLIV the suspense builds to a crescendo. Lady Margo Cargo’s wig has caught fire. Lord Jeremy Coldsore has a quadruple fracture of the coccyx (“That’s what he gets for trying to turn this drama into a musical!” sniffs Ms. Crepuscular), the wandering cowboy, having swooned to the floor, is doing nothing, Crusty the Butler is trying to find a fire extinguisher (not aware that they haven’t been invented yet), the poor vicar’s conniptions are getting really unseemly, there is a hydra loose in town…

And the jackalope emerges from the vicar’s kitchen garden.

The Jackalope, Everything Science Knows About Them [Satire]

“I have added this TV news photo of a jackalope,” explains Ms. Crepuscular, “because it is suspenseful! I mean, the hydra might devastate the town, but at least no one will go crazy for the rest of his life just because he’s seen it–but you can’t say the same for the jackalope.”

As this fearsome bunny with antlers emerges from the garden with a mouthful of parsley, Lady Margo forgets that her wig’s on fire, although it’s still on her head, Lord Jeremy oscillates, and Crusty begins to act peculiar.

Here the chapter degenerates into a defense of alcoholic toothpaste.

How Not To Be a Guard Dog

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My wife has fallen in love with the dog in this video.

Offering a toothy smile and a wagging tail won’t scare off many intruders. Then again, maybe they’ll think the dog is crazy.

This is Nooze-free Sunday.

Canines Cavorting

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Dogs really know how to have fun! No one makes better use of snow than a dog.

Keep your eye out for the dog who steals the sled out from under a human so that he can use it instead. And another pooch makes off with someone’s snow shovel. I wonder what he meant to do with it.

Playing With A Grumpy Chicken

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Here’s a little cat who wants to play, but there’s no one around to play with. (We’ve all been there.) But wait! There’s a nice chicken, I’ll go play with her.

What a surly reception the poor cat gets. Chickens don’t impress me as all that playful, although they do have their good qualities. If a chicken chases you, it’s because you’ve cheesed her off.

Live and learn, kitty. Live and learn.