Tag: humor

Psst! The Next Prize (Top Secret!)

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Quokka - Album on Imgur

G’day out there! Keep it down, please–don’t want Lee to hear. This is Byron the Quokka with the most exciting news you’ve ever heard!

The prize for our next contest:

Suits of Armor, A Knight's Best Friend | History Daily

Boy howdy and yowsah! A real live suit of armor! In fact, it’s the very suit of armor Ezio Pinza wore in South Pacific  until they made him take it off because he clanked too loud while they were trying to sing. Before that, the fifth Earl of Scurveyshire, Earl the Earl, wore it to the Crusades but arrived late and didn’t get to do anything.

Now, all this armor is doing is being propped up in a museum somewhere. Obviously they don’t want it! But if you’re like me, you’ve wanted a full suit of armor all your life. And now’s your chance to get one!

Let’s make it the prize for our next comment contest. I don’t think I can get it out of the museum any sooner than that. It takes a lot of quokkas to carry a whole suit of armor!

Cat and Hamster (‘Just Visiting’)

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Frankly, I don’t trust the cat in this video. Neither should the hamster. He may be thinking the cats are going to give him a treat. He needs to be less optimistic.

Our cat Henry never showed the slightest interest in our pet mice. But he’d sit and contemplate our baby fence lizards by the hour. Never caught him trying to open their tank and get at them, though.

Cats With Free Spirits

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These are two high-energy cats who don’t seem to take themselves very seriously at all. You’ll enjoy them.

Our cat Buster used to have a pull toy, a little rubber owl tied to a shoelace. It wonder where it’s got to. The cat in this video has a pull toy with wheels.

How High Will a Cat Climb?

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It was either Aristotle or Soupy Sales who was asked, “If not interfered with, how high will a cat climb?” They didn’t know; but the answer is obviously, “As high as he possibly can.”

Anyone who’s ever had kittens and curtains knows the truth of this.

Cats Steal Dogs’ Beds

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Maybe you’ve witnessed some of these little dramas in your home.

I feel for the beagle who has given up the struggle and tries to sleep in the cat’s bed, which is about three times too small for him.

The cats do seem to have the upper hand… but not all the time.

Is This Cat Crazy?

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No cat in our family has ever done this, but here it is on video. Why does this cat go to so much trouble to hide in the depths of the couch (along with lost dimes and pennies)? When I was a boy I used to love to feel around couch cushions for lost change; but I never found a cat down there.

It’s a mystery that needs an explanation.

Serenading the Dog

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Why is the cockatiel singing to the dog while the dog eats? Does anybody recognize the tune?

Our family dog used to pretend to be asleep so that birds would come down to nibble at his dog food. He would then catch them and eat them.

Domestication certainly changes things!

Violet Crepuscular’s Mail Bag

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silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

Taking a break from the narrative of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular finds time to read and share this year’s fan letter.

“This is from a Mrs. Citronella Jingles in Brushback, New Jersey. I looked it up, and there really is no such places!” impermeates Ms. Crepuscular. (I am not sure about that word.) “And she writes, ‘Why don’t the men persons in your romance go around with no shirts on like the men persons in all the other romances?’

“Well, Citronella,” Violet replies, “if you ever saw my neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, with no shirt on, it’d put you off the whole business for months. Yew! A horrible sight! Yeah, okay, it’d be nice if the men we see had those completely hairless torsos bulging with muscles–but then no one would bother to read romance novels if real life was like that!”

Privately, I don’t think she knows what to do. Having brought in both a hydra and a jackalope, and handed out injuries and conniptions galore, not to mention property damage–all she needs now is Godzilla.

“All I need now is Godzilla!” she confides in the reader. “The don’t call me the Queen of Suspense for nothing! I defy you to name another romance writer who dares to bring monsters into the plot! Like, who can be bothered with men with no shirts when a jackalope is gobbling up your garden?”

I believe she has escaped having to write Chapter CDLVI.

Kitten Won’t Be Buffaloed By Dog

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(That just might be the worst headline I’ve ever written.)

The dog, 25 times the size of the kitten, is jealous. He’s excited. But if he thinks this tiny kitten is going to take any guff from him, he’s sadly mistaken. Daddy has his hands full, keeping the dog’s head on straight.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 4

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TV Guide Ad for ABC shows (1974) | From the 1974 TV Guide Fa… | Flickr

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University (the college where there aren’t any courses–really, it’s easier that way). Here’s a little sample to get you revved up for the show!

4:25 P.M.   Ch. 11    MOVIE–Intense, almost unbearable, horror

In Pharaoh, Schmarrow (Greek/Portuguese, 1991), two workmen (Jerome Kern, Izod LaCost) carrying an unopened mummy case up the world’s longest, steepest flight of stairs, find something indescribably horrible waiting for them at the top. But first they have to get past the June Taylor Dancers on the staircase! Song: I’ve Got Chiggers

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 05   SHOTGUN SIKORSKIY–Eastern Western

Wandering the outskirts of Poland’s major cities as if they were America’s Old West, Zgismund Sikorskiy (Tim Moore) continues his hunt for the horse-thief/bank robber who shot his dad in Dog Breath, New Mexico. He has to look for him in Poland because he lost his passport. Mr. Julep: Chiang Kai-shek. Miss LaFong: Dorothy Lamour.

Ch. 18   YOU’RE FAMOUS AND WONDERFUL!–Pure B.S.

“You can be anyone or anything you want to be!” proclaims host Swami Baloni Jidrool. See less-than-ordinary guests morph into the likes of Pablo Picasso, Churchill, Joe DiMaggio, and a poached egg! And anyone who doesn’t Affirm their new identities gets beaten to a pulp. The greatest audience participation show since Queen for a Day. And speaking of Queen for a Day…

Ch. 19  EMPRESS FOR A DAY–Deranged wish fulfillment

What if you had absolute power, the power of life and death, over everyone on your block? From suburban housewife to insane dictator, Empress for a Day will show your neighbors who’s boss! Host: Frank “Dys” Topia. Expert witness: Loretta Young. See Loretta flounce down the marble staircase in a flowing gown just as this week’s Empress cries “Off with their heads!” Recommended by the United Nations Human Rights Commission.

5 P.M.  Ch. 62   MINI-SHAKESPEARE–Classic drama/Puppet show

Something wonderful happens to a Shakespearean tragedy–think Othello–when the actors in the cast are only 12 inches high, with papier-mache heads. Commentary: Soupy Sales. This week: Richard III, boiled down to 25 minutes. With Gabby Hayes and his orchestra.

So who cares about the weather, when there’s stuff like this to watch on TV? I’ll post a few more Christmas carols and then settle down with a handful of nice crisp leaves to watch Shotgun Sikorskiy, my favorite Polish Western.

Fact: We had a Western in Australia once–Whiplash, starring Peter Graves. My Grandpa Fuzzycheeks had a walk-on role that had all the platypuses talking.

Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo - Download Image Now - iStock

Mmmm-um!