Actually, I’m kind of content not to know what proves Man-Made Climbit Change is real. This gap in my knowledge doesn’t feel like a gap at all. More like something’s missing that shouldn’t be there anyway.
Besides, it’s a known fact that only drips are afraid of jackalopes.
As long as we’re talking alternate reality, I simply must put in a word for the jackalope.
Skeptics say the jackalope’s not real–but pictures don’t lie! Jackalopes proliferate–am I allowed to use that word? it looks a lot like “pro-life”–during periods of Global Warming and Hate Speech, thriving on Income Inequality, Nationalism, and Transphobia. This is settled science, so everybody just shut up about it.
I think I might have seen one at our supermarket this morning, just as it ducked out of sight near the Easter candy display. Then again, it might have just been a store employee tidying the shelves.
This candid photo of a mother jackalope fiercely defending her young was taken by an amateur washing machine repairman in Ongs Hat, New Jersey. He had a narrow escape.
We are getting jackalope reports from all over the country now, a strong indication that the jackalope population has increased dramatically. Scientists believe it’s because of Climate Change and transphobia. What the jackalopes themselves believe is a secret.
They look cute and cuddly, but don’t get too close! A pack of hungry jackalopes can skeletonize a grown man in less than 60 seconds. I have always wanted to use the word “skeletonize” in a sentence, and now I’ve done so.
You can’t argue with a picture! A person who wishes to remain anonymous spotted this baby jackalope on his back porch yesterday and just managed to snap this candid photo before the critter hopped away. And this in New Jersey, even!
The jackalope, a hybrid of a rabbit and either a deer or a pronghorn antelope, long dismissed as legendary, scientists now know becomes real as a result of Transphobia and Climbit Change. They may look cute, warns Dr. Azog Pongo of the Science Institute, “but they can be deadly. And the only defense against them, ultimately, is for the federal government to collect all money and redistribute it as a guaranteed income, an equal share for all, except scientists and politicians and movie stars and football players, they get more.”
As Man-Made Global Warming continues to blanket most of North America with unseasonably cold weather, look to see more jackalopes on more back porches.
First up, the whoopee crowd honored a bunch of Celebrities for all the truly great things they’ve done. It came up in the conversation: “We are working to end violence in the world.”
I keep telling you, liberals want to be gods. They’re going to end violence? Who do they think they are? Like, if there was a way “to end violence,” no one would have figured it out by now? We had to wait umpteen thousand years for today’s celebs to come along? Talking about taking yourself too seriously–!
Then, predictably, the Davos mob declared 2016 to have been “the hottest year on record.” They do this every year. They still haven’t given up on using the boogie-man of Climate Change to scare us into giving them absolute power over every aspect of life.
Among their big concerns this year is how to stop populism, as exemplified by Donald Trump, and get poor us to fall in love with globalism again. They think we’ve been tricked into not worshiping them.
Finally, I have an unconfirmed report that the Forum plans to spend $305 billion (that’s one thousand billion Euros) to re-establish the jackalope as the dominant herbivore in North America. Former Secretary of State John Kerry, attending Davos 2017 as a washed-up chowderhead, says the jackalope can prosper on government-owned land, “but only if the government owns all the land.”
Stay tuned for further fun developments as the world’s richest, smartest people get together to screw us.
Here’s the proof we’ve all been waiting for! The jackalope is real!
As you can see by the photo–and pictures don’t lie–a skillful net hunter in Whatsit Creek, Michigan, managed to scoop up a healthy specimen of the horned rabbit. Ah! you say. “But what did he do with it?”
Well, he wanted to catch another one and breed them, but this first jackalope got away when the net broke a few minutes later.
According to modern Science, jackalopes are a product of Global Warming, homophobia, and Income Inequality. And unless taxes are raised dramatically, we are told, jackalopes will soon take over the world.