An Astonishing Discovery (‘Oy, Rodney’)

39 Romance novel cover parodies ideas | romance novel covers, romance, book  humor

What is it that Constable Chumley has discovered in the unmapped depths of Scurvey Forest?

Introducing Chapter CDLXII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular chides her readers, “If you think you can do this, you’re welcome to try! All of a sudden everyone’s a writer!”

The constable’s feverish report has extyrolated all Scurveyshire. Left untended in his bed, the vicar sleepwalks perilously close to the ominvorous backyard wading pool. The hydra turns right onto Bottleby Court and gulps down a 6-year-old boy playing with a hoop snake. And as the slowly (or not so slowly) panicking crowd gathers around the constable and Lord Jeremy Coldsore, the jackalope polishes off the last of the vicar’s durian fruit.

Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, resolutely straps on his six-guns. “If Chumley says he’s seen a wee forthing, then he’s seen a wee forthing–and somebody’s gotta go out there and shoot the whole gang of ’em.”

“I’ll go with you,” says Lady Margo Cargo, hopping about on one foot because her upholstered wooden leg was damaged in the fire. “My father always suspected there was something like this in the forest. Our old housemaid Peggy saw it once, and spent the next 40 years in hysterics.”

Here the chapter wanders into a recipe for toothpaste sandwich cookies.

‘Davos Wing-Ding Under Way’ (2017)

Jackalope, Royalty-free Jackalope Vector Images & Drawings | Depositphotos®

Ah, the World Economic Forum! A time for globalist golems to get together and plot against our freedom.

Davos Wing-ding Under Way

This one, of course, was pre-COVID. They hadn’t yet realized they could actually lock down the whole world’s economy–just as if the whole place were s giant prison!

They want global government so bad, they can taste it. With themselves in charge, of course. Always with themselves at the tippy-top of the pyramid.

Let’s pray that this is the year the whole woke booshwa collides with oblivion.

High Noon in Scurveyshire (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

It’s Boxing Day in Scurveyshire! Everything grinds to a halt.

Back in 1206, Lord Watnot, 4th Earl of Coldsore, decreed that Boxing Day should be devoted to boxing matches. Originally everyone in Scurveyshire had to box. That custom was changed in 1452 when Lord Pingo was knocked silly and left unable to participate in the Wars of the Roses.

Introducing Chapter CDLIX (pronounced “coodlicks”) of her epic romance, Oy Rodney, Violet Crepuscular apologizes for tabling the agonizingly suspenseful confrontation between Willis Twombley and a marauding jackalope. “The reader will appreciate,” she bowdlerizes, “that we simply don’t do confrontations on Boxing Day in Scurveyshire. I didn’t get where I am today, doing confrontations on Boxing Day in Scurveyshire.”

The Jackalope - Danger Ranger Bear

A jackalope. Beware!

Whatever comes hopping out of the vicar’s kitchen garden–is it Jack the Jackalope, or something worse?–finds no trace of Willis Twombley waiting for a showdown. No one’s around at all. Unbreakable custom has driven them all to the village common for a whole day’s worth of bare-knuckle boxing bouts. The winner gets the ability to see into the future, but without anyone ever believing a single thing he says about it. Last year’s winner, Mrs. Marilyn “Popeye” Sloan, came out of a trance with a warning about Enron stocks. No one listened.

“Now,” writes Violet, “the stage is set for a new champion, a new glimpse into the distant future. And don’t forget, there’s still a hydra on the loose! I don’t know about you, deer reader, but the suspense is killing me!”

It isn’t exactly doing wonders for us, Violet.

Jackalope’s Rampage (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

When we concluded Chapter CDLVI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, monsters were ravaging Scurveyshire and Lady Margo Cargo’s wig was on fire. No wonder they call Violet the Queen of Suspense.

Then along comes Chapter CDLVII, which was all about some dopy cousin of hers who used to sit in mud puddles. Ah! But Chapter CDLVIII looks promising! It opens with the American adventurer, Willis Twombley, who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, strapping on his six-guns. I’m sorry, but I don’t think he looks like this:

Sargon of Akkad - World History Encyclopedia

Johnno the Merry Minstrel, who is horse de combat because of the hydra (bit one of his arms off, actually), waylays Willis in the hall. “Twombley!” he pristulates. “Where are you going, man?”

“I’m a-goin’ to plug me that jackalope,” he explains. “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Can’t let the critter eat everybody’s vegetables.” He cannot be persuaded to tackle the hydra instead. He may be crazy, but he’s not stupid.

It has been discovered that the name of the jackalope is Jack. Twombley will bear that in mind as he moves toward the fateful confrontation. Ennio Moriconne music plays in the background. It’s almost impossible to dance to Ennio Moriconne music, as Lady Margo and Lord Jeremy soon discover. Lady Margo removes her wig, now a blacked handful of ash.

“Jack!” Twombley’s voice rings out. “I’m callin’ you out, Jack!”

And out from the vicar’s kitchen garden hops–oh, the suspense! How the dickens can she leave it hanging there? A reader’s gonna get you for that, one of these days…

Violet Crepuscular’s Mail Bag

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

Taking a break from the narrative of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular finds time to read and share this year’s fan letter.

“This is from a Mrs. Citronella Jingles in Brushback, New Jersey. I looked it up, and there really is no such places!” impermeates Ms. Crepuscular. (I am not sure about that word.) “And she writes, ‘Why don’t the men persons in your romance go around with no shirts on like the men persons in all the other romances?’

“Well, Citronella,” Violet replies, “if you ever saw my neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, with no shirt on, it’d put you off the whole business for months. Yew! A horrible sight! Yeah, okay, it’d be nice if the men we see had those completely hairless torsos bulging with muscles–but then no one would bother to read romance novels if real life was like that!”

Privately, I don’t think she knows what to do. Having brought in both a hydra and a jackalope, and handed out injuries and conniptions galore, not to mention property damage–all she needs now is Godzilla.

“All I need now is Godzilla!” she confides in the reader. “The don’t call me the Queen of Suspense for nothing! I defy you to name another romance writer who dares to bring monsters into the plot! Like, who can be bothered with men with no shirts when a jackalope is gobbling up your garden?”

I believe she has escaped having to write Chapter CDLVI.

The Day of the Jackalope (‘Oy, Rodney’)

silly romance novels – Lee Duigon

“I was really stuck on this chapter,” Violet Crepuscular confesses to readers of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “Being the Queen of Suspense is hard! Why, just the other day I caught some wacko going fishing in my goldfish pond! I had to have Mr. Pitfall come over and do him an injury.”

In Chapter CDLIV the suspense builds to a crescendo. Lady Margo Cargo’s wig has caught fire. Lord Jeremy Coldsore has a quadruple fracture of the coccyx (“That’s what he gets for trying to turn this drama into a musical!” sniffs Ms. Crepuscular), the wandering cowboy, having swooned to the floor, is doing nothing, Crusty the Butler is trying to find a fire extinguisher (not aware that they haven’t been invented yet), the poor vicar’s conniptions are getting really unseemly, there is a hydra loose in town…

And the jackalope emerges from the vicar’s kitchen garden.

The Jackalope, Everything Science Knows About Them [Satire]

“I have added this TV news photo of a jackalope,” explains Ms. Crepuscular, “because it is suspenseful! I mean, the hydra might devastate the town, but at least no one will go crazy for the rest of his life just because he’s seen it–but you can’t say the same for the jackalope.”

As this fearsome bunny with antlers emerges from the garden with a mouthful of parsley, Lady Margo forgets that her wig’s on fire, although it’s still on her head, Lord Jeremy oscillates, and Crusty begins to act peculiar.

Here the chapter degenerates into a defense of alcoholic toothpaste.

Coping With a Rampaging Hydra (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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“A hydra has nine heads, and every one of ’em is mean!” writes Violet Crepuscular (“Don’t forget to call me the Queen of Suspense! It’s for the marketing”), introducing Chapter CDLII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

The long-ago machinations of the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney, have unleashed a jackalope and–and, I say!–a hydra on defenseless Scurveyshire. Even now, the jackalope is loose in the vicar’s garden, noshing on yams, while the hydra, preparing to ravage the town of Scurveyshire itself, roars with all nine heads.

And Lord Jeremy Coldsore says, “I feel a song coming on!”

When you’re menaced by a hydra, shake your fist!

But you might be the last one on their list.

With a do derry-do doddy-do!

He manages a few dance steps to go with it.

[Editor’s Note: I can’t stand musicals.]

In  the vicar’s sun parlor, the cowboy lies on the floor in a swoon, Lady Margo Cargo’s wig has flown off again, Lord Jeremy dances back and forth, and the vicar himself has lapsed into new conniptions which take the form of cartwheels–exercises which he is by no means well equipped to carry out.

I see the last page is coming up. Yup, there it is. The Queen of Suspense has simply stopped writing.

P.S.–We are welcoming reader comments today, as long as they consist entirely of fulsome praise. It’s for the marketing.

Caught Between the Hydra and the Jackalope (‘Oy, Rodney’)

39 Romance novel cover parodies ideas | romance novel covers, romance, book  humor

[Bottle Collector’s Note: Now you know where that delightful old figure of speech, “caught between the hydra and the jackalope,” comes from.]

Thanks to the machinations of the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney, there is a Jackalope loose in Scurveyshire. We read about that in Chapter CDL of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

Introducing Chapter CDLI, Ms. Crepuscular writes, “I have had it up to here with readers thinking they can write my book for me! I mean, why don’t I just put up a suggestion box next to my mailbox? Some horrible woman from Tobolsk, Kansas, wrote me to say I ought to put more Vikings in my book! Am I the Queen of Suspense or am I not! I know perfectly well what I’m doing!”

So the jackalope is hopping around the vicar’s kitchen garden while he and Lord Jeremy, Lady Margo, and a cowboy sit in the parlor chewing tobacco; and nobody sees the backyard wading pool give, as it were, a great thumping belch… and unleash a hydra on the vicar’s petunias. This they kind of have to notice: it’s a rather difficult animal to ignore. Hydra - Monsters - D&D Beyond

“Hsiang ya ts’ai!” cries Lady Margo, lapsing into Chinese. (Don’t ask!) The cowboy faints. The vicar lapses into conniptions. Lord Jeremy is left holding the bag.

“And now,” funambulates Ms. Crepuscular, “I will demonstrate why they call me the Queen of Suspense! Is Lord Jeremy up to dealing with this crisis? Will the hydra devour all the people? Why does Lady Margo suddenly speak another language?

“Stay tuned for the next chapter! You won’t find out till then!” One can imagine her slyly winking. “That’s how you keep ’em reading!” she gloats.


An Invasion of Mythical Creatures (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Pin by Ross Johnston on totally judging books by their covers | Book  parody, Book humor, Romance novels

[Editor’s Note: In all the excitement over Halloween, I very nearly forgot to touch base with our in-house novelist, Ms. Violet Crepuscular. Be honest, now–how many of you would have missed her?]

Introducing chapter CDL (at last!) of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Ms. Crepuscular alludes to an email from reader Konrad Adenauer from Papadapoulosburg, Mississippi.

“‘Dear Ms. Crepuscular,’ he writes,” she writes (the quotation marks are getting tricky), “‘what has happened to Rodney the Medieval Sorcerer, whom you have said is responsible for all these disturbing events in Scurveyshire? Have you forgotten him?'”

“I don’t mind if some of my readers want to gristonize my book,” she continues, “but there is a wide-spread perception that, like, anybody can be a medieval sorcerer–but nothing could be farther from the truth!

“I have not mentioned Rodney lately because he’s been very, very busy conjuring mythical monsters out of I don’t know where and trying to turn them loose on Scurveyshire! Centaurs, harpies, griffins, hydras, dragons–he’s got ’em all lined up for an invasion. But first, a test!”

The vicar has just been rescued by a passing cowboy and forced to give back Lady Margo’s wig. As they all settle down to chew tobacco, no one notices the first mythical creature to creep out from under the vicar’s wading pool.

You guessed it! It’s a jackalope, complete with horns. Half-jack rabbit, half-pronghorn antelope or white-tailed deer, these creatures are increasingly rare in Victorian England. Mythological creatures are never abundant anywhere.

Are Jackalopes Real? Inside The Enduring Legend

Anyhow, the jackalope hops off into the vicar’s kitchen garden. When someone finally sees the majestic beast, it’ll be too late!

Uh, too late for what?

“You’ll see!” chortles Violet.

‘Jackalope Captured Alive!’ (2016)

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If this doesn’t prove that Man-Made Climbit Change is real, I don’t know what will.

Jackalope Captured Alive!

Actually, I’m kind of content not to know what proves Man-Made Climbit Change is real. This gap in my knowledge doesn’t feel like a gap at all. More like something’s missing that shouldn’t be there anyway.

Besides, it’s a known fact that only drips are afraid of jackalopes.