Tag: silly TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, May 8 2021 REPRINT

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Vintage 1960 Tv Listings Related Keywords & Suggestions - Vintage ... | Keyword suggestion, Tv guide listings, Tv guide

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where we get it!

Without any further ado–we’re just about out of ado, anyhow–here’s a sample.

8:06 A.M.  Ch. 2  GUMBY’S STOCK MARKET TIPS

You won’t get rich, but you might get entertained. What the heck, it’s only money. Let Gumby and Poky show you how to invest it.

8:08   Ch. 3   WANTED FOR FRAUD: GUMBY

Anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of Gumby, please contact the Channel 3 Fraud Squad. $15 reward!

8:15   Ch. 5   CROCKED NEWSTALK–News and Commentary

You have to be noticeably intoxicated before they let you join this panel. Tonight’s celebrity drunkard: Big-game hunter Hap “Oops!” Chandler. Tonight’s topic: “String Theory: Who ****ing Gives a ****?” With Xi Jin Ping and his orchestra.

9 A.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Waste of time

“Hamlet Prince of Denmark, Michigan” (2002)  Re-adaptation of Shakespeare’s Hamlet in modern dress and setting, with Hamlet as the son trying to inherit a shoe store after his father is murdered by Brownies. Hamlet: Alec Guinness. Father’s Ghost: Ben Dover. Ophelia: Zsa Zsa Gabor. Polonius: the Bowery Boys. With Henny Youngman’s Joke Machine.

Ch. 32   MY MOTHER THE GUNSLINGER–Western

While a rogue shark picks off Dodge City’s innocent swimmers, Sheriff Flimsy (John Gielgud) must ask Ma (Shari Lewis) to buckle on her guns again to deal with a mysterious stranger who shoots everybody. Dusty the Dog: James Whitmore. Sid the Horse: Alva Toffler  Mary Ellen the Beetle: Linda Hunt.

Well, there you have it–just a taste of what awaits you when you tune into Quokka UTV.

Byron’s TV Listings, April 19

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TV Guide December 27, 1968 N. California - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and if these TV listings get any smaller, I’ll have to wear glasses.

Here, have some listings that are a bit easier to read–brought to you by Quokka U.

Saturday

4:30 p.m.   Ch. 24  WIDE WORLD OF CLUMSY–Sports, sort of

Join host Igor Fanabla as he calls the plays for the world’s clumsiest athletes. Critic Ahab Shyder called this show “a vision of Tartarus.” Still waiting for the first clumsy athlete to complete the course successfully and win a tricycle with a seat belt.

6:17 p.m.   Ch. 03   PORKY THE PIRATE–Riveting historical melodrama

Did we say “riveting”? Well, heck, that’s what Porky (Edgar Slopp) does! This week: Captain Spiggot (Soupy Sales) needs his whole bottom re-riveted–and Porky doesn’t realize he’s talking about his ship, not his buttocks! Woman who makes cryptic comments: Sandy Duncan.

Sunday

8:01 a.m.   Ch. 64   BAD DOG, LASSIE!–Unbearably tragic tales

What happens when a good dog (Footsie) goes completely bad? This week: the Whately farm is overrun by ferocious salamanders–while Lassie raids the hen-house! Mrs. Spider: (It’s a real spider, they don’t have names). Farmer Pince-nez: Chiang Tei-hsiao.

7:14 p.m.  Ch. 12   THIS DRESS DOES MAKE ME LOOK FAT!–Fashion

The contestants don’t know it, but host Ginger Ninjur has a whole bucket of locusts to turn loose in this collection of formal wedding dresses by Ingmar Bergman. Who will be the first to climb the Ladder of Escape? Who’ll be the first to ride the Chute of Despair?

Well, folks, on second thought, I won’t need glasses to watch these, after all.

Quokka in Sunglasses Smiles for the Camera Stock ...

Whaddaya think? Keep ’em or lose ’em? Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, March 15

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TV Guide January 6, 1977 Philadelphia - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University, where grade point averages go to die. Here are just a few of this week’s offerings.

Saturday

5:45 p.m.   Ch. 42    MONGOLIAN BASEBALL–“Free” baseball

Tired of having to pay fees to watch a ball game on TV? Well, one simple package deal, for a mere 49 cents, will bring you all sorts of sports from the heart of Central Asia. Today: Kalgan Kippers vs. Ulan Bator Bashmaks. Losing manager gets thrown off a cliff! With Yin Chee Ching in the broadcast booth. (English translation extra charge, please.)

6 p.m.   Ch. 08   DATING GAME WITH CROCODILES–Social Justice TV

It’s always so much fun to watch the look on a contestant’s face when he (or she) learns he hasn’t won a blind date with a gorgeous partner, but only a hard push into a swimming pool full of hungry crocodiles. Commentary: Some guy who identifies as Julius Caesar.

Ch. 24   MAGIC TRICKS FOR CLUMSY OAFS–(It means what it says)

Want to be the life of the party? The Great Scappini will get you there–with magic! This week: Scappini’s classic Disappearing Coccyx trick. This was the illusion that convinced Ingrid Bergman that there was a walrus in her bedroom. Important Note: Watch the whole thing, or you won’t get the coccyx back.

OK, that’s three of ’em–three TV shows that’ll have you talking to yourself. I love those magic tricks!

The Happiest Animal on Earth Is the Quokka | HowStuffWorks

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, March 8

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TV Guide July 12, 1982 Los Angeles... - Retro TV Listings ...

Greetings, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and willya look at that? They only gave me half a TV Guide sheet. But they wouldn’t like it if I have them only half a review.

Well, that’s not how we do things at Quokka University. We provide you with TV that the other networks are too scared or lazy to broadcast. TV like this.

Friday  7:30 p.m.   Ch. 64   PLASTIC BOOBY MEN FROM SCOTCH PLAINS–Science fiction/horror    You ain’t seen nothin’ till you’ve seen this! This is the TV show that’ll put Scotch Plains, NJ, on the map. This week: a hard-luck vampire (Bobby Darin) tries to organize a cattle drive from Scotch Plains to Scotland. Ramrod: Shemp Howard. Little Bo Peep: Angie Dickinson.

7:45 p.m.  Ch. 16   BLUNDER WOMAN–Incredible adventure

“Incredible” means unbelievable. But when you see Blunder Woman  (Charo),  get tangled up in TV aerials, you’ll believe it, all right! This week: Blunder Woman gets her undies stolen by super-villain Domgar the Schmendrick (Ingrid Bergman look-alike). Music by Patsy Rimsky-Korsakoff.

8 p.m.  Ch. 07   THE COCCYX–True crime, lots of gore

Who is this master criminal only known as “The Coccyx”? The audience knows, but Detective Sergeant Mylanta (Mickey Rivers), investigating the case, doesn’t have a clue! Which is too bad–because he’s the Chief’s top suspect! Chief: Sandy Duncan. Ghoulish private eye: Jackie Gleason look-alike.

Ch. 12  I’VE GOT A HYNIE!–Totally tasteless game show, you should be run over for watching it.

This is it–THE worst, most appalling, TV show ever, in which shameless former celebrities see who has the biggest… er, “cushion.” MC’ed by some idiot who insists he’s Pharaoh Ramses IV (nobody cares). He’s the one with the tape measure. Honestly, I’d rather not talk about this show. Let’s play some Yahtzee and forget about it.

And there you have it: Quokka University TV! I can’t wait to rush home, turn on the tube, and start watching.

I’m ready for massive entertainment!

Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas #animallovers ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 16

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TV Guide Magazine Covers Celebrate Daytime Soap Operas - Daytime Confidential

Poor old Leester–missed Valentine’s Day. Well, let’s bring it back! Courtesy of Quokka Uniiversity.

2 p.m.  Ch. 03   THEY’VE GOT MY GOAT!–Melodrama (kung-fu added)

You train your goat, Osbert. to do all these spectacular tricks… And then the Iron Boat Clan comes along and kidnaps him! Ma-Foo Yi: Soupy Sales. Wan Hung Lo: Dick Van Dyke. Tan Bu-Ting: Carol Burnett.

Ch. 15  BLUBBERY STATE VS SCOTLAND YARD–Sports

The Blubbery State squad had better be careful: Scotland Yard arrests the teams that oppose them. They’re not really college football players, you see. Coach Fundee picked them up in Indonesia somewhere. Play-by-Play: Rosie Ruction.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!–Grimly disturbing melodrama. Yves Montand starts as a Frenchman who is really bent out of shape by this development! Also featuring Rosemary De Camp as the Borax Lady.

Ch. 49  THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF THE OTHER TRISTRAM SHANDY WHO WAS NOT A GENTLEMAN– Archaic soap opera

Yes, there were two Tristram Shandys, and one of them (Charles Bronson) wasn’t very nice! Tonight: The good Tristram Shandy (Al Packa) invents a riding mower–only to have it stolen by the hurdy-gurdy man (Dan Rather). Mrs. Bluefish: (Irene Ryan)

Well, how do you like those apples?

30+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

I wonder if they’d let me borrow this bicycle…

 

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 8

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1958

Move over, Leester! Byron the Quokka here, with some real TV listings that’ll knock your socks off–courtesy of Quokka University. These are among the greatest TV shows ever! Go ahead, ask anybody.

7 p.m.   Ch. 16  PICASSO DOESN’T SCHLEP HERE ANYMORE–Art history

This is highbrow stuff, no kidding! Tonight: Famous Artists Who Itched All the time and Didn’t Know Why. Host: Simon LeGree. Sponsored by Culver’s Skin Cream (Just wipe it on and wipe it off–hours of fun).

Ch.  25   WORLD NEWS WITH MR. WOODENHEAD–Exactly what you’d expect.

How about a nightly news broadcast in which the entire crew is clumsily painted marionettes? The anchor, Mr. Woodenhead, is also available to children as a sock puppet. Imagine the shock and awe suffered by the experts when this newscast walked off with the coveted Pete Bohunk Prize!

7:15 p.m.   Ch. 31  PUPPETS WHO PULL THE STRINGS–Sci-fi drama

This is why Channel 25 is suing Channel 31 in the Malagasy Republic Supreme Court. “Total rip-off!” cries the plaintiff. Meanwhile, imagine a world ruled by ruthless, all-powerful puppets! Theme song, Who’s Got Strings Attached Now?, earned star Ralph Lickspittle an Ambrose Fong Award.

7:30 p.m.  Ch. 14  EXCAULIFLOWER–Historical adventure

This is the story of King Barfur (Juan Valdez) and his Knights of the Craps Table. This week, Sir Pantsalot goes on a quest for the Holy Grail and comes back with the Groly Hail; and Queen Effervessent’s annual ping-pong tournament has to be canceled on account of monkeys.

Well, now, how about that! Are those TV shows or are those TV shows! You wouldn’t believe how much art history I’ve learned, watching Picasso Doesn’t Schlep Here Anymore.

516 Quokka Stock Photos, High-Res Pictures, and Images - Getty Images | Quokka selfie, Quokka smile, Quokka smiling

(I will not steal that bicycle, I will not steal that bicycle…!)

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 1

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TV Guide January 6, 1968 N. California... - Retro TV ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Happy February Fools Day!  Here at Quokka University, we’re celebrating it with a solid weekend of fabulous TV. We’ve got shows and movies that you never dreamed existed! Like these:

6:48 p.m.   Ch. 96   MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

A world-class pianist (Marjorie Main) thinks her bra is imbued with a sinister intelligence, in The Bra (1951, 14 minutes). Prof. Sahib Gupta (himself). Hapless victim stalked by bra: Jill St. John. Pretentious German novelist (Don Knotts).

7 p.m.   Ch. 09   Evening News With Soupy Sales–Old news

Way back in 1969, Uruguayan guerrillas kidnapped comedian Soupy Sales, mistaking him for Walter Cronkite and forcing him to anchor newscasts favorable to their cause. When they finally realized their mistake, they offered to trade Soupy for Warner Wolf. Tune in to get the whole story!

Ch. 22   I BUSTED MY COCCYX, MAN!–Dramatic sitcom

It isn’t every TV sitcom that has beavers in it (no, we are not counting Leave It to Beaver!); but Coccyx not only has beavers: it started out as a nitty-gritty detective series starring Fong Hsueh-ding. They kept Fong, the beavers Pat and Mike, and the Coccyx but chucked the rest. Special guest star: Roy Rogers. Not-so-special star: Some Mameluke caught loitering in the alley next to the studio.

7:30   Ch. 42  MRS. MAGOO–Adult cartoons

Mr. Magoo may be very nearly blind, but Mrs. Magoo sees things that nobody else sees because there’s nothing there! By the same animators who brought you Joe Biden, Mrs. Magoo has been hailed as positively the greatest TV show ever! This week: Mrs. Magoo tries to catch the scorpions crawling all over her breakfast table and into Mr. Magoo’s soup.

Well, folks, that should hold you for a weekend!

What Makes Quokkas So Happy?!? — Well/Beings

You can see Mrs. Magoo has already put me in a good mood. Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 7

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Northern Michigan edition of TV Guide from September 22 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron  the Quokka here, with September unrolling like a ball of yarn dropped down the steps. Here are a few fantastic TV shows to soften the landing!

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 07  WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS YOU NEVER HEARD OF–Sports

Join anchor Fyodor Djugashvili and color man Akimoto Ishii as they cover, live from Bulgaria, the Annual Bulgarian Face-Slapping Contest. Who can take the most slaps and still dish ’em out? Winner gets a nice ham!

Ch. 12   MOVIE–Utterly depressing story about tweezers

In Pinchy, Pinchy (Tannu Tuvan, 1951: 678 minutes), Bill Moyers stars as Krinkly, a man with an obsession for tweezers. Michael J. Pollard plays the CIA agent who chases him through the mens wear section of Gimbel’s. This is the movie they trot out when they argue against Tannu Tuva’s independence.

4:47 P.M.   Ch. 01  COMMERCIALS INTERSPERSED WITH CONTENT–(The title explains itself)

We don’t know if there really are hundreds of millions of people who’d rather watch commercials than the shows they advertise, so Producer Jimmy Fraud is taking a gamble here. He’s vowed to jump in a lake if this show doesn’t get great ratings! (“It’s his last chance,” says network president McGeorge McBundy.)

5:00 P.M.  Ch. 32  EXERCISE WITH “FATS” SCHIMMELPFENNIG–Fitness

Tired of all those TV fitness gurus who are already skinny and who knows why they’re still doing exercises? Like, maybe they were never fat in the first place! Well, you can’t say that about Pete “Fats” Schimmelpfennig! This is the show that made his fitness video, Eat Anything You Want, As Much As You Want, and Don’t Bother Exercising. a smash hit in Bogly, NJ.

Well, those shows ought to get you started! Have you ever been in Bogly?

1,000+ Cute Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Byron the Quokka, signing off–it’s TV time!

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 21

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Tonight's US television… in 1972 - Schedules - Transdiffusion Broadcasting System

G’day–and only ten of ’em left till Halloween! Byron the Quokka here, with a weekend’s worth of dazzling TV guaranteed to make you grow another three inches. Here are a few samples.

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 09  MUCH ALIEN GROWTH ON YOUR BODY PARTS–Health and wellness

Chinese government TV produced this series in the 1960s, for reasons that have been lost in the archives. It was canceled when the host, Ren-ren Chiang, hired as a Chairman Mao look-alike, complained on the air about unsightly warts around his navel. He, too, has been lost in the archives.

Ch. 51  CLEON THE PEON–Situation tragedy

How does a former tyrant and money man adjust to being a slave in a houseful of zombies? Marco Schnitzel co-stars with The Near-sighted Mr. Magoo (voice of Jim Backus) in Croatia’s first TV show that combines live action with cartoons. Only six episodes were made before copyright infringement laws kicked in.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 16  WORD SALAD NEWS–Defies description

News is much more digestible when you have no idea what they’re talking about! Giggling Gloria Gotz anchors a team of inarticulate cackling “reporters” who can’t make themselves understood. Tonight: Babbling Bertha Bnix interviews Vice President Whatsername.

7 P.M.   Ch. 25  DR. FANABLA–Miracle cures

“I fell down the steps and now my coccyx is pointing the wrong way! It looks like a tail! Everyone makes fun of me!” This is the problem facing Dr. Fanabla tonight: Can his Alpine yodeling correct the condition? Featured: the Borax 20-Mule Team Band, conducted by a pair of armadillos.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE–Musical with sinister overtones

What happens if you put Mecha-Godzilla up against the June Taylor Dancers? Tune in to Robot Monster vs. Tokyo (Japanese-Hittite, 1971: 2,419 minutes) and find out! See if you can catch Alfred Hitchcock’s cameo as one of the Dancers. A life-altering achievement! Roy Rogers: Himself.

Well, I can’t say that’ll get you all the way to Halloween, but it should at least get you to next weekend.

Cruzy Suzy - Sweet as pumpkin pie 🍂🍁🎃 #quokka #quokkas ...

Who says we can’t get pumpkins on Rottnest Island?

 

 

Byron’s TV Listings, March 18

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV - October 28th through November 3rd, 1978

G’day, out there! Byron the Quokka here with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Honest, someday we’ll offer courses in something! Meanwhile, here’s a sample of our weekend menu:

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 08  MATT BODICE, P.I.–Mystery/adventure

Bodice (Sen. Hiram Fong) infiltrates “the Church of Evolution,” where he finds the members evolving backwards into murderous primitive ape-men! Mr. Rogers: himself. Grannie: Irene Ryan. Murderous primitive ape-men: Themselves (don’t ask!).

Ch. 14   WORLD NEWS WITH ITCHING–News with a stupid gimmick

Have you ever wondered how news anchors and reporters could do their jobs if they were uncontrollably itchy and couldn’t stop scratching? This show lasted only two weeks on CNN, where it had the highest ratings of any other news show on the network. Host: Greta Thunberg. Sports: Rutherford B. Hayes (itchy beard).

8 P.M.   Ch. 66   BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL!–Reality TV

The contestants are all convicted felons who’d been given a choice: state prison, or back to high school. This is about the ones who chose high school… and never came back. Principal: Ragnar Hairy-Britches. NOTE: The ACLU has condemned this show as a cruel and unusual punishment as forbidden by the Constitution. Especially the episodes about dating.

Ch. 71  MOVIE–Historical Mish-mosh

Could a pair of American cowboys (Roy Rogers, Gene Autry) have prevented the Norman conquest of England in 1066? “Conquer This, Podnuh!” (Ethiopian, 1989) explores this fascinating might-have-been. King Harald’s bodyguard: The June Taylor Dancers. William the Conqueror: Tim Russert. Queen Matilda: Paris Hilton.

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 41  THE FLOBSTERS–Totally tasteless sitcom

It’s the ritziest neighborhood in Boonton, New Jersey–or was, until the Flobsters moved in. This week: Moko’s efforts to clean his clothes subject the entire neighborhood to unendurably rancid odors. Meanwhile, Dayzee (Gloria Scott) is caught hiding in the mayor’s house again. Moko: Jerry Springer. Mayor Schwab: An unidentified cartoon character.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be watching these wonderful shows today!

50 Cute Puppy Pictures That You Need to See — Puppy Pictures ...

Bloody computer! Wouldn’t let me post pictures of anything but puppies. Byron the Quokka, signing off (I know when I’m not wanted!).