silly TV listings – Page 8

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

G’Day! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s TV listings for the weekend. Are you craving something edifying, absorbing, rib-ticklingly hilarious, or butt-scratchingly suspenseful? Me, too. I wonder where you can get it. Meanwhile, there’s this:

4:30 P.M. 02 03 BAKED NEWS (News & Cooking)

Make mint toothpaste cookies with Violet Crepuscular while the world stumbles into one crisis after another. Reporter: Cy Anara Weather: Angela Merkel

05 OPEN END WITH GORILLA MONSOON–PUBLIC AFFAIRS

Join pro wrestling legend Gorilla Monsoon as he interviews this weekend’s prominent news makers. Guests: Andre the Giant, S.D. “Special Delivery” Jones, “Nature Boy” Buddy Rodgers, Ohio Gov. John Kasich, and a newt.

4:48 P.M. 07 BEEN THERE, DONE THAT–TRAVEL

Harvey Yardarm visits Sayreville, New Jersey, and shows slides taken on the campus of Mr. Potato Head Community College.

5 P.M. 02 10 11 MOVIE–TRAGEDY/SUSPENSE

“One for the Money, Two for the Show” (1982) The aging Bowery Boys are in for the scare of their lives when a Soviet spy (Mel Torme) hires the Chinese People’s Army to wipe them out. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. General Hai: Oscar Levant. General Lo: Walter Mondale. Music by F. Lee Baily and his orchestra.

12 13 NEURALGIA PATROL–POLICE

“I’m Sure It’s My Sciatica!” The Health Complaint Squad finds Mr. and Mrs. Muldoon (Clint Eastwood, Linda Hunt) a confusing mix of symptoms, and Dr. Twinkly (Abe Vigoda) is dangerously close to blowing his stack. Special guest star: Carl Yastrzemski as “the Beaver.”

Well, that should be enough to get you started! And this is me high-tailing it out of here before somebody asks me where we got these shows.

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G’day! Byron the Quokka here, on Rottnest Island. I hear a lot of you Yanks have been snowed in, can’t get out and have fun. Well, it looks like I’m here with more TV listings just in time! We don’t want you going mad with cabin fever, do we?

So here are the Quokka University Broadcast System’s (see? we’ve got a name for it now) offerings for this weekend. Happy viewing, everybody!

8 p.m. 03 MY MOTHER THE NEWT (Sitcom) Harry and Debbie get kicked off their middle school band when Mr. Roomba discovers their mother is a giant newt. Can Uncle Beefy, a rather large frog, save the day? Mr. Roomba: Ricardo Montalban. Uncle Beefy: Dick Cavett.

05 NEWS WITH RUDE NOISES (News and Weather) The same news you got on all the other channels, but this time with crude and impolite noises in the background. Anchorman’s identity still unknown.

8:10 P.M. 05 MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM “I Hear Earwigs Singing” (1971) The Bowery Boys take on a mad grocer (Colin Clive) who has been flouting London’s health codes–in Yuma, Arizona. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Chou En-lai. Special guest appearance by Elias Howe, inventor of the sewing machine.

8:39 P.M. 04 TRAGEDY PLAYHOUSE (Drama) “When You Lose That Beat” combines Oedipus Rex with Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom for a totally incomprehensible waste of 93 minutes. Guaranteed to impress your friends and family, if you say you watched the whole thing. Oedipus: Rory Calhoun. Marlon Perkins: himself. Music by Bobby Fischer and his Orchestra.

8:45 P.M. 07, 11, 13 SLUGGO POTASH, GUNSLINGER! (Western, as if you didn’t know) In “Duel at the Lost City of the Poptecs,” Sluggo (Darren McGavin) must shoot it out with his arch-enemy, Mitch McConnell, who has made himself dictator of a lost city inhabited by people no one ever heard of. King Axolotl: Jon Hall. Princess Chipotle: Joey Heatherton. High Priest: Soupy Sales.

Well, that’s enough for now! I still don’t know how we got our hands–I mean our paws–on all these shows, and I’m sure I don’t want to.