Tag: silly TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, July 17

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1965

It’s much too hot to go outside and play Squamish today! G’day, everybody, Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here are a few samples guaranteed to whet your appetite!

7 P.M.  Ch. 06   NUDE FLY FISHING–Sports

Join our Nobel Prize-winning hostess, Rigoberta Menchu, for celebrity nude fly fishing! Guests: Honus Wagner, Debbie Reynolds, Chet Huntley. With the June Taylor Dancers. This week’s surprise–an alligator where they least expect it.

Ch. 11  TRASH TALK–Educational/Boring

Host Harry “Mr. Boredom” Grubstake and guest Charo discuss how archaeologists three thousand years from now might mistake our landfills for random heaps of junk. With Bertrand Russell and his kazoo orchestra.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 02   MR. GOGGLE–Children’s Show

[Note from Byron: You wouldn’t believe what we went through to get this one!]

Mr. Goggle is the monster whose bloodshot right eye is three times the size of his squinty left eye; and when he peers into bedroom windows, children wake up screaming. Banned from 50 different networks when it debuted in 1957! Condemned by act of Congress! Watch at your own risk.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 44   UNSUNG OPERAS–Educational/Musical

Just because they never made it to any opera house doesn’t mean that these were shoddy operas! This week, from Mongo High School in New Jersey: Il Provalone, by Chuck Worst–sung by the cast of Gilligan’s Island, conducted by the high school janitor because the real conductor never showed up. Don’t miss Bob Denver’s aria, Vado al Teatro, Fettuccine!

8 P.M.  Ch. 16   MR. DOOFUS–Sitcom/Tragedy

When every single one of his students fails the math section of the SATs, Mr. Doofus (Brian Blessed) gets a trophy from his teachers’ union. Meanwhile Ms. Scatterby (Heather Locklear) takes a course on “How to Infuriate People.” Mr. Screwtape: Andy Griffith. A Giant Squid: a giant squid.

Well! That should get you cranking! This is Byron, signing off.

30 Funny Quokka Pictures That Will Make You Book A Flight To Australia To See Them | Quokka, Cute animals, Funny animals

Byron’s TV Listings, July 10

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

G’day, culture fans! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s windfall of wild, wacky, wonderful TV! (I expected that alliteration to work better. Oh, well…)

So break out the eucalyptus leaves and settle in for some great TV viewing. Here are just a few samples.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 03   THE PRICE IS WRONG!–Game Show

Contestants have to estimate the prices of various items which it would be shameful or even unbearable to own–and whoever’s guess is farthest from the actual price… has to buy it! This week’s celebrity contestants: Chiang Kai-Shek, Pee Wee Herman, Peggy Cass, and Archie from the comic strip. With Chuck Schumer and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02   THE HOWARD, HOWARD, & FINE REPORT–News/Discussion

You know them best as the Three Stooges, but they also analyze the news! Join Moe, Larry, and Curly as they apply their special insights to the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Kennedy-Nixon debates, the sad state of the Euro vis-a-vis assorted East Asian currencies, and the survival of the Occitan dialect. Complete with pies and seltzer bottles!

Ch. 16   FEAR NO MAN–Marital Arts

[Hey! Can we please fix that typo?] Martial Arts [Thank you! Sheesh, people are going to wonder about us!]

Sensei Bernie Foolscap demonstrates sure-fire ways to disable an attacker three or four times your size. Also, “How to grin down a grizzly gear” by Master Jim “Stumpy” Watkins. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 42  MOVIE–Tragedy/Science Fiction

“Them There Big Bugs” (1959) features Chuck Connors as a Trappist monk trying to warn of impending catastrophe without breaking his vows of silence–and now he wishes he’d never taken that vow never to write anything, either. As the big bugs get closer and closer to the unsuspecting town, what will he decide? Abbott Bud: Dean Jagger. Sister Blabbermouth: Gracie Allen. Newspaper Editor: a rather large barrel cactus.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 21   WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?–Medical

[Never mind, we’re not going to run this–much too controversial!]

Ch. 21  MOVIE–Musical/Nature Documentary

In “Hee-Haw Yo’ Momma” (2018), the cast of a 1967 Hee Haw broadcast is scientifically transported to the future–just in time to help test a new scientific submarine that dives too deep for Artificial Intelligence to bear. Junior: Junior Samples. Buck: A man who looks like Buck Owens. Dr. Facehead: Hao Kum Mee.

Well, that should get you started! It’s supposed to rain a lot this weekend, so good thing we’ve got all this TV lined up, eh? I mean, otherwise we’d have to talk or play games or something.

Anyone for Clue?

 

Byron’s TV Listings, July 3

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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G’day–and happy Fourth of July to all you Americans! And just in case it rains, us fun-makers here at Quokka University are all set to provide you with inutterably fantastic television! I’m Byron the Quokka, and you have my word on it!

Let’s take a quick peek at some of the offerings.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 14  GOOD COP, BAD COP–Police Drama

Tuberville, Alabama, can only afford a one-man police department, but Sheriff Pat Gesundheit is up to the job! He’s the only sheriff in America who’s able to do that “good cop/bad cop” routine all by himself–and does it ever scare the suspects! This week Gesundheit grills a suspected mummy-stealer (Gavin Newsom) who may have looted the town’s Museum of Horrible Curiosities. Curator: Linda Hunt. Security Guard: Haystacks Calhoun.

Ch. 15  CELEBRITY TANNING–Game Show

What–did you think this was about sun-tans? Perish the thought! Join host Vlad the Impaler as he compels celebrity guests to try to tan fresh nauga-hides. Contestants: Buddy Hackett, Elizabeth Warren, Cleopatra, Wayne Dyer. With Perry Mason and his orchestra.

7:11 P.M.  Ch. 26  WORLD NEWS WITH HAMSTERS–News

Instead of watching some stupid anchorman or info-babe, you can watch hamsters on their wheelies as Misterrogers reads you the news very soothingly no matter how bad it is. But if it doesn’t worry the hamsters, why should it worry you?

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   SOUTH BELUGASTAN STICK PAINTING–Educational

Master Fhtugn Czynnaa demonstrates the delicate art of using sticks and twigs picked up from the ground to create delicate paintings of shameful scenes involving the South Belugastan Stock Exchange. Guest celebrity: Fum Chee Fum, a giant.

Ch. 31  CITY OF GIANT BUGS–Sitcom/Tragedy

The Fop family (Joe Besser, Rosemary DeCamp, Hunter Biden) move into their new house only to discover that their whole neighborhood has been overrun by various insects as big as Volkswagens. It’s very hard to mow the grass with a giant mantis stalking you! Neighbors: Dame Judith Anderson, Sir Derek Jacobi. Good Humor Man: Sir Michael Redgrave.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, that ought to hold you for another weekend! Just remember, though–if anybody starts asking awkward questions, you haven’t seen me and you don’t know what they’re talking about!

Byron’s TV Listings, June 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1965

G’day! It’s raining here on Rottnest Island, but we don’t care–we’ve got another fabulous weekend’s worth of Quokka University TV! Byron the Quokka here, serving as spokesquokka for QUTV because everybody else is hiding–some UN TV agency almost caught me last week.

Here’s some samples for you to lust after while I find a hiding place.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 05  PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL GAS–Discussion/Piffle

Host Mervyn Puncho grills three masked intellectuals on their recommendations for what “pregnant persons” should eat. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  EFT TROOP–Western/Adventure/Nature

A brood of red efts colonizes an abandoned army post and crawls around in the leaf litter. A brave Sioux warrior (G.K. Chesterton) befriends them just in time for the happy hour at Senor Wences’ Saloon.

Ch.  12   MOVIE–Romance

Lord Jeremy Coldsore (Alan Hale) and Lady Margo Cargo (Katherine Hepburn) pursue a torrid romance in Oy, Rodney! (2020) But there’s a problem–Lady Margo’s upholstered wooden leg is missing! Constable Chumley: Rowan Atkinson. A Man Who Looks Like Lee J. Cobb: Lee J. Cobb

Ch. 19   WARTS AND ALL!–Game Show

Who’s got the biggest warts in the funniest shapes–and in the most unexpected places? Emcee Roberto “No mas!” Duran uses threats to get celebrity guests to show their warts. Tonight’s guests include Jim Bowie, Timon of Athens, Cardinal Richelieu, and Cher. With Dr. Fudgie Fauci and his orchestra.

8:06 P.M.   Ch. 43   GIANT BUGS ARE REAL!–Idiocy

Secret documentary films acquired by Joe & Jill Biden reveal small towns and even large cities, all over the world, menaced and attacked by colossal insects (if you want to count arachnids as insects). Commentary by a tongue-tied Irishman. Special guest: Sharon Stone, recently voted the world’s leading expert on spiders the size of a Dunkin Donuts stand.

Right! Well, there it is, and I’m snuggled up with my TV set someplace where the globalist hornswogglers can’t get me, with plenty of eucalyptus leaves to munch on–and Lee dreamed last night of a tree full of koalas, so this is probably not a good time to get him riled up, poor chap…

Byron’s TV Listings, June 19

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

What's On TV October 16, 1962 – PugetSoundMedia

G’day, TV watchers! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of scrumptious TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University. And if you’re wondering where we got these shows–don’t ask!

Here are some samples to whet your appetite.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 10  MOVIE–Tragedy/Musical

The classic Greek tragedy “Medea” (1956) gets a musical makeover with Zsa Zsa Gabor in the title role. Featuring the hit song, “Jason, Schmason, Where’s the Basin?” Jason: Zero Mostel. Theseus: Phil Silvers. Featuring Elston Howard and his orchestra.

Ch. 12 WHAT’S MY SHAMEFUL SECRET?–Game Show

Join host Bill Cullen as he reveals the celebrity guests’ most shameful secrets! Panel: Eleanor Roosevelt, Mel Blanc, Andy Devine, and Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers, with Dr. Phil to provide free counseling to the nationally disgraced winner.

Ch. 16  KHAN FOR A DAY–Situation Comedy

Cousin Sven (Jack Soo) has inherited a Mongol horde–and doesn’t know what to do with it! Can he figure it out before they eat him out of house and home? Mayor Fortinbras: Phyllis Diller. President Johnson: Edgar Buchanan. Special guest star: Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 21   PINKY LEE’S JOURNAL–News/Talk/Gibberish

Comedian Pinky Lee interviews newsmakers Mervyn Puncho and talking dolphin Flipper McGee on the crisis of cocktail waitresses going on strike in Zanzibar. Has the Senate got an ace up its sleeve?

7:37 P.M.  Ch. 36  ACTION IN THE AFTERNOON–Western Drama

Horror impresario Zacherley plays the town undertaker of Codbiter, New Mexico. There’s no need for him to drum up business when depressed gunslinger The Toledo Kid (James Earl Jones) comes to town! Florist: Jack Elam. Interior Decorator: George “The Animal” Steele. Sheriff Shootfirst: Bob Denver.

And that’s only a sample of what you’ll get when you tune in this weekend! Make sure you have plenty of eucalyptus leaves on hand.

Quokka eating a leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Alamy

Byron’s TV Listings, June 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV, courtesy of Quokka University. Maybe one of these days we’ll get around to starting classes here–if nobody gets arrested for airing these TV shows. Without further ado, a few samples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 06  MEET THE MUMMIES–Discussion

Join host John Kerry as he flees in terror from the animated mummies he’s supposed to interview. Topic: “Should Inanimate Objects Vote?” Featuring a chorus of indignant howler monkeys.

Ch. 12  MY FRIEND FONEBONE–Crime Drama

Can a man who does everything backwards (Boris Johnson) succeed where a multitude of top police detectives have failed? Meanwhile, Commissioner Swiggit (Elizabeth Warren) thinks her husband may be getting too big for his britches and asks Fonebone (Don Knotts) for advice.

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 16   THE WEATHER ON OTHER PLANETS–News & Weather

Poisonous rain on Jupiter, another roasting hot day on Venus, and another cool one on Pluto (if it’s still a planet)–extraterrestrial weather analyst Penny Prat with the weekend’s weather throughout the Solar System. Sponsored by some company that does fake marshmallow peeps that don’t taste good.

8 P.M.  Ch. 27  MOVIE–Melodrama/Ventroloquism

In “CB Superhero” (1973), forlorn trucker Alibi Ike (Bill Nye) falls hopelessly in love with Sandee Smoosh (name withheld), not realizing she’s only a dummy controlled by evil ventriloquist Ambrose Viaduct (Charlie Rose), who’s using her to blackmail the assistant Secretary of Frivolous Spending (Mervyn Puncho).

Ch. 43  BET EVERYTHING!–Game Show

Produced by the Chinese Communist Party, contestants in “Bet Everything” stake everything they have on their chances of surviving 16 hours of intersectional poetry recited by a person with an annoyingly high-pitched voice. With Sammy Spear and his orchestra, the June Taylor Dancers, and an old man with hives.

Well, if those don’t whet your appetite, I don’t know what will! That CB Superhero movie, by the way, launched Mervyn Puncho’s political career… although I don’t know anyone who ever voted for him.

Emergency Addition to TV Listings! Don’t Miss It!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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Crikey, get this one added to the TV listings, pronto! I don’t know who’s fault it was that this got left off yesterday…

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with an emergency addition to yesterday’s TV listings. We’ve had to juggle the schedule a bit, but it’ll be worth it!

SUNDAY, June 6

9:15 P.M.  Ch. 16   MOVIE–Romance and Drama

“The Bear-foot Contessa” (1959)–she’s young, she’s beautiful, she’s rich… But thanks to an ill-advised scientific experiment, she has the feet of a 750-pound grizzly bear! This makes it extremely hard for her to buy shoes, and formal ballroom dancing is all but impossible. Movie historians rate this as Sally McBloo’s greatest role. Mr. Banyantree: Ben Kingsley.  Harvey Cedars: Humphrey Bogart. Mr. & Mrs. Stringbean: Maude Adams.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 5

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day, g’day, and welcome to another weekend of cyclopean TV viewing pleasure, brought to you by Quokka University! Byron the Quokka here–and don’t think I had anything to do with this TV caper, I’m just an announcer they snapped up at random.

Here are a few samples to whet your appetite.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 04   VEGAN GUNS–Muddled Western

It’s not easy being a professional gunslinger (Jack Elam), a New Age guru, and a vegan! Episode 14: Communications from the Vega star system are being received through Stokey the Cook’s unwashed pots and pans. Stokey: Xi Jin Ping. Miss Willowfeather: Susan Sontag. Jabba the Hutt: don’t ask.

Ch. 05  GREAT BOOKS BY IDIOTS–Interview

Host Barney Rubble discusses The Great Gatsby with incoherent romance writer Violet Crespuscular and her pet click beetle, Mandrake. Neither of them has read the book. With Swede Risberg and his orchestra.

Ch. 16   MERVYN PUNCHO–Variety

Mervyn’s guests include beer-chugger Milt Famey, unsuccessful bowler Ginger Hooja demonstrating gutter-balls, backwards talker Neleh NniuQ, and B.S. artist John Kerry. Featured: the Vlad the Impaler Dancers.

8:48 P.M.  Ch. 46  TIMON!–Sitcom

What happens when the city’s most prominent misanthrope is given a surprise birthday party? Timon (Tim McCarver) blames Alicibiades (Soupy Sales) for his game leg, but the party’s going to go on whether he likes it or not. Mrs. Demosthenes: Esther Rolles. Caterer: Johnny Weissmuller.

9 P.M.  Ch. 11  MOVIE–Crime Drama

Film noir classic! “I Live Face-Down” (1969) features Billy Mumy and Telly Savalas as clinically depressed private eyes trying to get the goods on a crooked politician (Willis Twombley) who’s making sure all his friends and toadies get municipal swimming pool memberships. Things only get worse when their secretary, Foxy (Helen Hayes) is diagnosed with Hornomania. Mayor Belshazzar: Don Knotts.

Well, that’s that for the sample package! And–

Meet the Quokka

Tune in tomorrow for our Rottnest Island Bell Mountain Party, which I’m not supposed to mention, in case nobody shows up. I have it on good authority that one of the major characters in the book is going to be present… if he can overcome his fear of marsupials.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 10-11)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1963

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of indescribably wonderful TV brought to you by Quokka University.

Warning: See that ad for “The Tempest”? That was first broadcast in 1960, when a certain 11-year-old saw it and came down with a crush on Lee Remick, who played Whatsername.

Right! Here are a few samples. And remember, I have nothing to do with it!

7:25 P.M.  Ch. 3  FAST NEWS

Speed-reader Burt Fomble whizzes through 50 minutes’ worth of news in just five minutes! With Bernie Madoff and his orchestra.

7:30  Ch. 4  BET EVERYTHING!–Game Show

Contestants either come out rich beyond anything they ever imagined possible, or totally destitute, having lost literally everything–right down to the shirts off their backs! House, car, wedding ring–all gone. Host: Vincent Price.

Ch. 6  MOVIE–EXOTIC WESTERN

“Truth Is Stranger Than Friction” (1956) is the first Western set on the planet Mars. The Bowery Boys form a posse to try to catch a stage robber whose Martian physiology allowed him to engulf a whole stagecoach like a gigantic amoeba. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Professor Fancy Feast: Prince Souvanna Phouma. Dr. Won Hong Lo: Gustav Svenson. Little Mary: Edith Wharton.

Ch. 12  LOST IN THE PYRAMID–ARCHAEOLOGY GAME SHOW

Can you find your way out of the pyramid without getting caught in one of its lethal booby traps? Without getting locked up in the mummy’s tomb? If you can, there’s a set of El Supremo Quality European Luggage waiting for you on the outside! Closed-circuit TV cameras track the fun. Host: Eli Whitney. Innovative sound track: Supremes hits played backwards.

8 P.M.  Ch. 13  VINNIE PONG–INTERVIEWS

Often described as the worst TV show ever, host Vinnie Pong interviews a succession of guests who are all much smarter than he is but have to wait for the questions because of Vinnie getting tongue-tied–to say nothing of asking one guest questions that were prepared for another. Co-host Carolyn Snort has to be restrained from assaulting the guests. No wonder Greta Thunberg threw a tantrum on the set!

Well, there you have it–a small sample of the delights awaiting you on Quokka U. TV. If you get hooked on it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Daxon the Quokka (@quokkahub) | Twitter

 

Byron’s TV Listings

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1958

G’day! Byron the Quokka here with this weekend’s TV listings, brought to you–and don’t ask me how!–by Quokka University.

And it’s a good thing I’m here, because the other computer has practically driven Lee up the wall and I’m afraid the top of his head will blow clean off. Here on Rottnest Island, we call that “blowing the top of your head clean off.”

So unwind with some of the best TV on earth!

8 P.M.  CH 03  UNCLE BILLY–TRAGEDY

Still living in the mud puddle, Uncle Billy gets a hoot when a large grasshopper crawls up Mrs. Pandemic’s dress. Uncle Billy: John Gielgud  Mrs. Pandemic: Loretta Lynch   The Terminator: Arnold Schwarzenegger

CH 04  JAI ALAI ON ROLLER SKATES–SPORTS

The Ulan Bator Lake Smelts vs. Free & Independent News Media! Jai Alai played on roller skates is a whole new concept in sports, pioneered by Bernie Sanders and the United Nations Nit Commission. Losers get beheaded!  Announcers: Tony Kubek, Howard “Get Off Your” Duff

CH 07  HOLLYWOOD HOMUNCULI–GAME

Only one of the Hollywood stars on the panel is an actual human being! The other three have been dredged up from wells and other deep places of the earth. Under intense pressure that can hardly be imagined, contestants try to identify the real star before the three alien imposters do something really terrible! Host: Louisa May Alcott, with Francisco Franco and his orchestra

8:14 P.M.  CH 11  MOVIE–IMMATURE ADULTS

“Dog My Cats” (1952) Accidentally drafted into the Egyptian Navy, the Bowery Boys try all sorts of tricks to escape before the Suez Crisis happens! Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall  Nasser: Red Barber  Clairvoyant: Esther Williams  Soothsayer: Yogi Berra

8:30 P.M.  CH 05  IT’S A MATCH!–GAME SHOW

Host Christopher Lee randomly selects members of the studio audience and uses a panel of criminals to match them up for dates–after embarrassingly candid interviews! Music by The New Beatles and Hillary Clinton’s Good Time Charlies Kazoo Band.

Well, that’s enough for now; we don’t want anyone getting over-excited. This is Byron, signing off before they catch me.

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