Tag Archives: speedy alka seltzer

Wow Your Friends with These Astounding Facts!

Image result for images of speedy alka seltzer

“Unknowable” had a cool idea last night: just whip up any old thing that would stretch the credulity of a three-year-old, call it “settled science,” and presto–you’ve got a liberal column.

We can do this because liberal “facts” (e.g., “Socialism really works”) are not facts at all. Denying that there’s any truth, they can’t very well have facts. Instead, there’s only whatever helps them get their way–this they label “truth”–and whatever doesn’t. They will deny that they’re denying anything, if that’s what they think they need to do at the moment.

With this in mind, we present the following eye-popping false facts, which you can trot out for any conversation and impress your hearers with your wealth of esoteric knowledge.

*That little “Speedy Alka-Seltzer” in all those old commercials was played by Katharine Hepburn.

*The Hawaiian language was only invented in 1960, in support of Hawaii’s statehood movement. Prior to that, Hawaiians all spoke Welsh.

*The world’s largest insect is the Laotian Burping Mantis–four to five feet long and weighing, when full-grown, sixty to eighty pounds.

*In the Middle Ages it was very common for men of the nobility to propose marriage while standing on stilts.

*The gall bladder is the only organ in the human body that functions equally well when turned inside-out.

There you go–run a few of these up the flagpole and see who salutes ’em. If your hearers are prepared to accept these assertions as fact, you should be thinking about starting a career in higher education, advertising, or politics.


International Manhunt: Reddy Kilowatt

For more than half a century he was the world-wide ambassador for consumer electricity.

Now he’s a man on the run.

Police in 77 countries are after Reddy Kilowatt, 89, who mysteriously escaped recently from a secret Interpol prison in the Alps. He is wanted on a plethora of charges, including Climate Change Denial, Heteronormativity, and Being a Capitalist Running Dog.

“He ought to be pretty easy to spot,” said Interpol Commissioner Hans Upp. “On his own, I doubt he can pose much of a threat. Our gravest concern is that he might seek to join forces with another fugitive.”

According to confidential sources, Interpol fears Reddy will team up with Speedy Alka-Seltzer, a known Enemy of the People, to say and do things that the UN doesn’t like.

Last year a UN hit squad tracked down Bucky Beaver and killed him in a shootout. “That was satisfying,” said Upp, “but only to those few of us who remember Bucky Beaver.”

Citizens of the world are urged to contact Interpol, or their local police force, if they spot Reddy Kilowatt.

“Do not approach him yourself,” Upp advised. “He could give you a shock.”

If Reddy and Speedy combine their forces, he warned, “They could release a dangerous amount of gas into the atmosphere.”

A reward is offered for any information leading to the arrest of Mr. Kilowatt. The nature of the reward has not been disclosed, “but it will be in keeping with the best international traditions,” said the commissioner.


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