El Cid – Lee Duigon

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here with this weekend’s spectacular TV lineup offered by Quokka University. Compare our sample with that stuff from 1964 (see above).

9:27 a.m. Ch. 42 AREL UZBEK LIVE!–Talk like you never heard before

The popular Central Asian talk show host sets up shop in Gary, Indiana! This morning’s guests: A man who’s never owned a camel but always wanted one; Sidney Blumenthal; a nameless woman who eats Milk Bones dog biscuits.

9:30 a.m. Ch. 16 MOVIE–Indescribable horror and suspense

In El Cid Meets the Mummy (Honduran/Danish, 1974: 164 minutes), Spain’s national hero (Buddy Hackett) goes up against a rampaging mummy (Marjorie Maine) that’s turning Boston into a ghost town! Head Ghost: Laura Dern. Man Who Looks Like Groucho Marx: Harry Washtub.

10:50 p.m. Ch. 23 ROLLER DERBY BASEBALL–Sports (sort of)

What happens when you mix roller derby with baseball? Tune in and find out! Play-by-play guy Arnold Potsdam takes you through this week’s hot game, featuring the Lansing Boyles vs. the Syracuse Pharisees. Special guest: Edith Swonk, lifetime record-holder for in-game suspensions. Sponsored by Big Ape Chewing Gum.

11:12 a.m. Ch. 06 CRYBABY KOSTRO–Western

Who’s the fastest gun in Finrod Beach, North Carolina? Frank Buttocks stars as Crybaby while the rest of the cast tries to explain how the North Carolina coast can possibly be the locale for a Western. This week: Some guy from another Western (Clint Eastwood) has to be shot when he makes a lewd remark in the Finrod Saloon.

Well, folks, there’s your sample! If you’re lookin’ for fabulous TV, your search has ended.

I’d be happier if they let us post still photos! But an ear of corn on the cob covers a multitude of sins.

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, trying to find something to do until we can think of another contest for me to run.

Meanwhile, those nice humans at Acme False Facts are giving me a shot at being a spokesquokka for their product. I’ve never used a false fact, but here goes!

Remember: it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it. Stand up straight, chest out, shoulders back, and look ’em right in the eye and dare ’em to contradict you.

*The Spanish hero, El Cid, was only two and a half feet tall and was often mistaken, in his armor, for an ash tray.

*In 1976 an iceberg the size of Belgium broke off the Antarctic ice sheet and wound up in Nebraska.

*Article XIX, Section 27 of the U.S. Constitution allows non-citizens to vote as often as they please.

*Although the horrible disease known as Prufrock’s Curse has no known cure, the bright side of it is that it makes you unbeatable at checkers.

*At the 1953 Olympics in Bogota, Japan, no one performed well enough to earn a gold medal.

Well, there you have it–five new False Facts to make you look smart. As a quokka I find the whole thing bloomin’ incomprehensible: but we have learned to be tolerant of humans.