Tag: Quokka University TV

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 4

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Laura the Explorer | “Just a quokka-tastic moment! 🦘📸 Who ...

Happy New Year, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here… in a kind of paradise of bicycles. I’m here to bring you a sample of Quokka University TV .

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 15   ICED TEA WITH WILMA–Talk, talk, talk

Join Wilma Zavoody as she babbles and cackles with guests you’ve never heard of and will never see again! Today: Professor Dylan McMillan, who makes mud pies and tries to get his students to eat them. You’ll be surprised how often he succeeds!

8:36 a.m.   Ch. 26   TALES FROM THE BUSTED COCCYX—Historical romance

Magnus Spagnus (Robert Shaw) operates an 18th century inn where very strange things happen! Today: The ghost of a sadistic highwayman (Bela Lugosi) haunts the luxury bedroom on the second floor. He also plays Yahtzee. Just in time for Britain’s Imperial Yahtzee champion (Joan Collins) to challenge him to a match.

9:00 a.m.  Ch. 06  HAMBONE! THE RETURN–Philosophy

Sandy Becker played Hambone in the 1960s. Now the torch is passed–to Janice Ksheev, latest in a long line of Hambone imitators. Watch her dance her way through dangers that would demoralize an ordinary man. And absorb the wisdom of Hambone (“Wet wood burns the best,” and other wise sayings).

Well, that’s that. I’m so happy that they’re bringing Hambone back to TV. I was running out of Cisco Kid reruns.Here’s a video cut to whet your appetite.

Byron the Quokka, signing off (don’t want to miss Hambone)!

Quokkas Chase June Taylor Dancers

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If you’re wondering why the June Taylor Dancers weren’t mentioned in this week’s TV listings, it’s because they suddenly bailed out on us. This video shows our two police quokkas, Feezle and Wellington, trying to arrest them. Should’ve been able to run them down, but somehow they all got hold of bicycles.

Quokka University regrets any ennui or weltschmerz that might have been engendered by the absence of the June Taylor Dancers from this weekend’s Quokka UTV schedule. They’ll be sorry when they see how easily we can replace them.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 4

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1963

G’day, g’day for the month o’ May–chicken-fat canning begins today!

Sorry, couldn’t resist that. That’s song’s a current craze here on Rottnest Island. All the quokkas are singing it.

Here are a few examples of this weekend’s edifying TV viewing, brought to you by Quokka University:

6:47 P.M.  Ch. 03   ACTION NEWS–News/Circus Acts

The news is so much livelier when it’s delivered by persons swinging from a trapeze, bouncing up and down on trampolines, skateboarding, etc. Tired of anchors just sitting at a desk? Our anchor man, Chuck Thing, has to walk into the lions’ cage to read his cue cards!

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 06  THE CONSCIENCE OF A HIT MAN–Crime Drama

Hugo Leapfrog (Liu Chia Hui) is the most feared hit man in America; but every time he ices somebody, he feels really bad about it! This week: Hugo is hired to assassinate a little girl who donates the proceeds of her lemonade stand to the poor and needy. Music by Incarcerated Persons.

Ch. 12  LEARN TO DRAW INEPT STICK FIGURES– Art lessons

“Anyone can learn to draw like a 3-year-old!” boasts instructor Punchy O’Brien, who gave up a disappointing boxing career (0-13, victim of 12 knockouts) to become an even worse artist. This week’s lesson–“How not to make the head too big, and getting the arms sort of the same size.” Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 19   MOVIE–Science Fiction/Indecipherable

In “Voyage to Planet Full of Monsters” (1991), Bob Dylan (Sylvester Stallone) plays interplanetary poet Izzy Kiddin, whose spaceship is hijacked by shoe creatures from The Planet Full of Monsters. There he must compose new poems in an alien language that he doesn’t understand–or else! Capt. Coccyx: Linda Lavin. Head Shoe Creature: Justin Trudeau.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  MY MOTHER THE IDIOT–Sitcom/Philosophy

How do you cope when your mother (Dame Judi Dench) has an irresistible urge to break into neighbors’ homes and draw stupid pictures on the walls? (She should have watched “Learn to Draw Inept Stick Figures”!) Son Mopy: Dean Jagger. Fussy Neighbor: Tony Randall. Insane Police Detective: Carol Channing. This week: the Fanablas’ pet Komodo dragon has Mom cornered–with no weapon but her magic marker!

Well, mates, how does that grab you? I know, I know–for you folks in America, it’s Labor Day weekend. You want to be outside. Well, bring your TV sets with you!

Quokka - Album on Imgur

(They tell me I look like the Jersey Devil. No way!)

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 7

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

Well, well! Another weekend of fantastic TV shows that have failed everywhere but here at QUN, the Quokka University Network! I’m your host, Byron the Quokka, with a few sample shows to get you in the mood. Just don’t ask us where we got them!

8:07 P.M.  Ch. 08   BUGS IN THE SADDLE–Western

The experts said a Western starring giant insects instead of cowboys would never succeed–and they were right, but watch it anyway! This week: An aphid drive organized by Ant Felicia (a giant ant) runs into trouble when the herd is blocked by a tribe of hostile Click Beetles. Special guest stars: the June Taylor Dancers.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 11   DAVID CRUMPLE’S JOURNAL–News Analysis

What would happen if they held the next Nixon-Kennedy presidential debate underwater? David discusses the unlikely scenario with unemployed kook Jimbo “Crash” Kudzu and GOP strategist Max Detritus. Featuring Willie Sutton and his orchestra.

Ch. 27   I LOATHE LUCY–Sitcom

Lucy (Spring Byington) steals her neighbors’ milk bottles and replaces them with jars filled with Frothee, inspiring them to get up a petition calling for her to be banished to isolated–and possibly haunted–Dead Man’s Cave. Archie: Jim Backus. Little Irving: Boris Karloff.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 16   WORKOUT! WITH WILLIAM CONRAD–Fitness

Join the star of Cannon as he puts celebrity guests (Shelly Winters, Dom DeLuise) and lucky studio audience members through a grueling round of jumping jacks, pushups, deep knee bends, and impossible yoga exercises while he keeps score and eats an enormous bowl of pasta and sausages.

Ch. 31  MOVIE–Adventure/Maudlin Sentimentalism

In “Trapped in the Jungle of Death” (1973), survivors of a small plane crash (Scatman Crothers, Joe Namath, Bette Davis, Elizabeth Montgomery) succumb to hopelessness and die off one by one–all except for a brash novelty salesman (Jamie Farr), who discovers a lost city of maniacs just 30 yards from the crash site. Siskel and Ebert called it “Incoherent nonsense”!

These are just a few of the standout shows we’re bringing you this weekend. Settle down in the tall grass and binge-watch!

Daxon the Quokka (@quokkahub) | Twitter