Any time is a good time not to give the following videos as gifts!
Killer Quokkas, starring Chips Rafferty, Michael Caine, and Hedy LaMar. Quokkas are on the rampage, threatening to depopulate Australia. Only Hedy LaMar knows how to summon Godzilla from Monster Island–and she won’t tell, because she’s mad at Michael Caine.
(Byron the Quokka: “I resent this movie!”)
Only Slightly Better than Garbage: Join Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, washed-up football flop Colin Whatsisname, and the entire cast of The View in listing all the ways America sucks, all the ways Venezuela is better, and all their excuses for not going to live in Venezuela and bother us no more.
Eat Like a Cat! Cult documentary filmmaker Dolph Magnoon teaches you how to save money on your groceries by eating cat food in very small quantities and being hungry all the time. Special guest star: dietary expert Chelsea Clinton.
My Shameful Secret, a Swedish movie made by carpenter ants, stars a Howard Cosell look-alike whose speech is so garbled that even dubbing and subtitles can’t make him understood. To protect his life and property, his name has been removed from the credits. As to what the shameful secret is–well, we never find out, do we? You will be so sorry you paid $2.98 for this video disc!
Byron the Quokka writes: Hi! This is me with my dad. His name is Edgar. He is a famous historian. He’s got proof that Queen Guinevere was a quokka! He’s always being asked to give lectures about it, and after the lecture we all have pretzels. He is also able to prove that Camelot was in Australia. I never get tired of hearing all his stories about the quokkas of the Round Table!
If you wonder why this picture shows Dad and me looking through a chain-link fence, well, the fence was there and the guy with the camera was on the wrong side of it. Sometimes they have to put up fences to keep the humans from wandering into trouble. It takes an awful lot of quokkas to pull one human out of a mud-hole.
All this video is from Rottnest Island, Australia, where people go to see quokkas. The name of the island means “Rat Nest” in Dutch: some old-time sailors mistook the quokkas for large rats. Must’ve been at sea too long.
These seem to be very lovable animals, and I hope it’s safe for them to mix so freely with humans.