Undermining Scripture

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I really ought to have learned by now that consulting “Bible scholars” is usually a waste of time.

But I was reading Ezekiel Chapter 1 yesterday, the vision of the “living creatures,” and I wanted to enrich my understanding. Because that’s a very difficult chapter!

Ezekiel was a scholar, a trained man: but that chapter is written by a man who is deeply frightened and terribly confused. The “living creatures” are cherubims, a familiar motif in the art and literature of the Ancient Near East. Ezekiel would have known all about them. But the way the chapter reads, it hasn’t been written by someone who has studied cherubims… but by someone who has seen them.

Enter Bible Scholars Inc. They are quick to spot parallels between Ezekiel’s vision and St. John’s Revelation. Both describe cherubims. Other motifs are repeated throughout.

There are also some differences in details–six wings for the cherubims, for instance, vs. four–which the Bible Scholars account for by saying this was how John crafted them to suit his own purpose.

In other words, he made it all up!

Not only made it up, but also got away with it. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Watch us put one over on the plebs.

Because that’s what they would do, they assume that was what Ezekiel and John did. Like Lord Chutt, they attribute their own low standards of character to everyone. I’m a stinker, so everyone else must be, too. I make things up! Therefore the writers of the Holy Scriptures made up everything!

How contemptible is this?

There are reliable Bible teachers out there. There have to be.

As someone who gets paid for making things up, and has received awards for doing it well, I declare the Bible doesn’t read like fiction. And I do know something about fiction. Gilgamesh is fiction and folklore. Homer write historical novels heavily influenced by oral tradition. It’s great fiction, but it’s still fiction.

I am as sure as I can be that Ezekiel wasn’t inventing anything. And I’ll bet he would have turned cartwheels if God had released him from being a prophet.

‘Wassamattawit U. to Open Divinity School’

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They might want to spruce it up a little first

Something tells me I’d better introduce this as satire–only because it’s getting harder and harder to tell satire apart from reality.

Wassamattawit U. to Open Divinity School

Are there really Reputable Bible Scholars who don’t believe a single word in the Bible is true? And while we’re at it, is Hillary Clinton a crook? Is birthday cake fattening?

Wassamattawit U. to Open Divinity School

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Funded by a grant from George Sauron, Wassamattawit University has opened a new divinity school.

Located in an abandoned mill on the outskirts of Gary, Indiana, Wassamattawit U. Divinity School will focus on “showing them students that there ain’t nothing in the Bible that’s true,” according to the new dean, Dr. Cadinga Cadonga Silver Swallow.

“We have all kinds of religion courses,” she said, and named a few–Answers That Are Not in Genesis, Mother Earth and Climate Change, How to Be Real Smart, Grooving on the Goddess, and Islam Is Cool. “Our grant says we got to teach young people that they can be spiritual without being Bible thumpers. We will even teach them how to make amulets that attract animal spirit guides.”

Thanks to the grant, she added, the new school expects to be able to attract divinity professors from seminaries all over the country. “It should ought to be a really liberating career move for them,” she said. “They won’t have to pretend anymore that they believe that old and worn-out Bible stuff.”

Tuition for the five-year degree program will be “lots of dollars, but I forget how much,” she said.