Here in Stupidville, NJ, we let atheists take away our 100-year-old Christmas parade–now it’s a “winter festival”: what could be more shameful?–and we make sure we consult our animal spirit guides for any important decisions we might have to make.
I think the Soros Climbit Change gang in the town next door has faded away. People may be more gullible than they used to be; but they’re not so gullible as to believe in that.
It’s a reproach to the church in America that such things should be. People truly believe they’ve offended that goddess by taking away a little chunk of rock from the state park, and that she’s gonna get them for it: so they send the rock back, along with a frantic letter of apology.
As I once observed in one of my immortal horror novels, the flip side of modern hi-tech scientific civilization is superstition and ignorance.
Funded by a grant from George Sauron, Wassamattawit University has opened a new divinity school.
Located in an abandoned mill on the outskirts of Gary, Indiana, Wassamattawit U. Divinity School will focus on “showing them students that there ain’t nothing in the Bible that’s true,” according to the new dean, Dr. Cadinga Cadonga Silver Swallow.
“We have all kinds of religion courses,” she said, and named a few–Answers That Are Not in Genesis, Mother Earth and Climate Change, How to Be Real Smart, Grooving on the Goddess, and Islam Is Cool. “Our grant says we got to teach young people that they can be spiritual without being Bible thumpers. We will even teach them how to make amulets that attract animal spirit guides.”
Thanks to the grant, she added, the new school expects to be able to attract divinity professors from seminaries all over the country. “It should ought to be a really liberating career move for them,” she said. “They won’t have to pretend anymore that they believe that old and worn-out Bible stuff.”
Tuition for the five-year degree program will be “lots of dollars, but I forget how much,” she said.
This morning a publicist invited me to review a book offering “a fresh alternative to traditional therapeutic methods.” Oh, boy. What is this fresh alternative?
Past Lives Regression Therapy, of course. And it’s not just for New Age bozos, says the publicist–like, it’s totally mainstream!
Excuse me a moment. I have to go bang my head against the wall.
The author, says the publicist, is a “certified regression therapist.” Certified? By who? I’m sure I can find individuals who are certified dowsers, too. The difference is, the dowser either finds water or he doesn’t. How do you get certified to browse through your patient’s past lives?
I’m sorry. Every time I hear about past lives, I think of some fat guy with a black beard and a bad complexion woo-wooing about how he once was a lady-in-waiting to Marie Antoinette.
If we really had past lives, the Bible would have told us. Instead, God’s word says, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: so Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many…” (Hebrews 9:27) Note that it does not say you die whole bunches of times and keep on coming back as Sonja Henie.
Then again, this author has “trained with the world’s foremost experts” on unraveling Joe Blow’s glamorous past lives.
I thought this twaddle had all dissolved away ten years ago or so: that past lives had become old hat, replaced by exciting new inanities like transgenderism and Chrislam. Well, maybe it still attracts some old hippies. That and animal spirit guides. We have a store in our town where they can put you in touch with your animal spirit guide, in case you need stock tips from a hamster.