Tag: Byron the Quokka

Byron’s TV Listings, May 15 REPRINT

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What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

From May 15, 2021

G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!

Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.

So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.

8:17 a.m.  Ch. 03   BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion

Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 16   CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming

Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.

Ch. 21   MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama

Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.

Ch. 42   MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming

A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel.  Capablanca: Benny Hill.  Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.

9 a.m.   Ch. 08   MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi

“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist  Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor  Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun.  The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.

Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.

Fun facts about the Quokka, the happiest animal on earth

Byron’s TV Listings (May 1) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1963

Wow! Here on Rottnest Island, it’s almost time for Deputy Dawg! But first a word about this week’s TV listings, brought to you by Quokka U. If we can raise enough money, we can buy one of those air-boats like they had in “Everglades.” Now all we need is a swamp!

Byron the Quokka here, and here’s a sample of this weekend’s fabulous television.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 03   THE BLOODY PIRATES OF SKELETON ISLAND–Adventure

The pirates swoop down on a wagon train in the middle of the prairie and suddenly discover they’ve lost their ship! Cap’n Cod: Lorne Green  Clambrain: John Kerry   Marvin the Talking Ox: Howard Cosell

Ch. 05   NEWS WITH STEVE THE HAMSTER–News

Who says the news anchor has to be human? As Steve runs faster and faster in his hamster wheel, news stories fly out from the bottom and Ed McMahon digs them out of the cedar shavings and reads them for the camera.

6:36 P.M.  Ch. 46   SHERPA TO THE STARS–Travel

Hollywood superstars love to climb the Himalayas! And Sherpa Gutzu Lhotsa Sope is the man who guides them to the summits. Even if he doesn’t always come down with the same celebrities with which he went up. With Andrew Cuomo and his orchestra.

7 P.M.  Ch. 10  HOPALONG HAGGIS–Scottish Western

Hopalong Haggis really does have to propel himself by hopping along on alternate feet, but that doesn’t stop him from solving crimes for the Phnom Penh C.I.D. in Cambodia, with whom he communicates telepathically. This week: someone’s left the water running. Hopalong: Harry Wong   Sgt. MacPherson: Sid Fernandez   Mrs MacGavin: Linzy Kagemusha

Ch. 12  TITUS ANDRONICUS–Cartoons

Shakespeare’s gory mess makes for hilarious cartoons! Host: Suitcase Simpson.

Ch. 17  MOVIE–Tragicomedy

“Lost in the Outback” (1958) features the Bowery Boys being picked off one by one by rogue kangaroos and vengeful wandering minstrels. Filmed in Brooklyn but made to look just like the Australian wilderness, give or take a few cars and sidewalks. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall.  Rogue kangaroo trainer: Loretta Young. Suspicious-looking Rock: Tommy Lee Jones.

Well, there you have it! I can’t wait to see “Lost in the Outback.” A lot of ninnies get lost in the Outback. Some of them get lost looking for it. They think it’s somewhere “out back.”

I hope our university opens soon.

DMD Disease Treatment - Quokka Cure | Particle

At Home with the Quokkas REPRINT

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From July 21, 2019

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–just for a chat.

A lot of people think we quokkas live in burrows, but we don’t: grass and shrubbery, that’s what we like. We live in nice houses made of grass. We used to keep the King of the Quokkas’ furniture upstairs, but then the heaviest item fell through the ceiling and smashed our toaster oven. Quokkas who live in grass houses shouldn’t store thrones.

Some of you have wondered what we do at night. Well, we’re homebodies, we love our family time together… so we watch Machiste movies. They’re mostly in Italian, but it’s Italian with an Australian accent, so we can understand it. Happily, there are dozens of Machiste movies, even if a lot of them got remarketed as Hercules movies. My favorite is Machiste Meets the Vacuum Cleaner Man–very scary!

We’re also very fond of board games, like Clue, Stratego, Carcassone, Settlers of Catan, and Who Knoo the Kangaroo?, which I am told is very popular in New Jersey.

When we go to bed we like to read a bit before turning the light out. We all read the Bell Mountain books. They’re my favorites. My mum is a huge fan of those detective stories by Violet Crepuscular about this detective who always gives up before he comes anywhere near solving the crime. I don’t understand what she sees in them, myself.

It’s a quiet life, but we like it!

Byron’s TV Listings (April 24) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

From April 24, 2021

Tally-ho, and away we go! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s Quokka University TV listings. We show the stuff that none of the networks dared to show, back when. But we have to admit we don’t have sponsors like Gro-Pup. We do have Go-Gro Crayfish Food, but their advertising budget won’t grow anything bigger than a crayfish.

Anyway, here are a few samples of fantastically wonderful TV for your weekend. Just don’t tell anybody where you got it.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02  GIRDLES GALORE–Fashion

You’ll never again have to ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Because you’ll have a Hollywood Girdle on under it! Hosts: Boris Karloff, Ayn Rand. With Gene Woodling’s Xylophone Orchestra.

Ch. 06  SPORTS NOBODY CARES ABOUT–Interviews

Howard Cosell interviews athletes who play sports you never heard of–Papuan egg-swallowing, speed crocheting from Estonia, 43-man Squamish, wheel barrow-throwing from the most isolated regions of Spain, and many others. Nominated for a Broken Coccyx Award!

Ch. 14  SHOOT ‘EM ALL!–Western

Sheriff Grendel (Alan Alda) recovers from having a load of bricks dumped on his head, but has now become a serial killer out for revenge–against whom, he doesn’t know. It’s up to shy schoolmarm Pam Spam (Joan Rivers) and plucky Deputy Horace Dawg (an animated root vegetable) to stop him. Toby: Steve Reeves  Mayor Motormouth: Nick Cravat

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 42  UNDERWATER BALLET NEWS–News

Anchor David Pong reports from underwater at Weeki Wachee while the famous Mermaids cavort all around him. Be sure to send away for the Bubble-Meister, or you won’t be able to understand a word David says–remember, he’s sitting underwater and it makes him sound funny.

8:01 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Romance/Adventure

“The Lost City of Almost-Naked Women” (1970) finds the Bowery Boys exploring a lost city deep in the heart of Brooklyn. This was the first and last movie directed by Sen. Walter Mondale. Huntz Hall, Leo Gorcey.  Prof. Peedle: Arnold Stang  Dr. Von Schussnig: Zsa Zsa Gabor  Featuring the Bil Baird Puppets.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started! And please let us know if you actually get a Bubble-Meister after you send away for one.

Byron’s TV Listings (April 17) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

From April 17, 2021

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University and sources better left un-named. Hey, dig that ad for Bat Masterson, sponsored by Sealtest Ice Cream. We still have Sealtest here on Rottnest Island. I love their Eucalyptus Swirl!

Without further ado, here’s a little piece of our schedule.

7:26 P.M.  Ch. 29   Boating With Davy Jones

How much trouble can you get into in a rowboat? Watch Davy as he and celebrity guest Rosie O’Donnell wind up beached in a hot-tempered homeowner’s back yard! With Beto O’Rorke and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  The House of Atreus–Comedy

You think you’ve got troubles? Watch the look on Grandpa’s face when he finds out he’s just eaten his beloved grandchildren for supper. And then there’s Sisyphus (Phil Silvers) who’s almost got that boulder up the hill when it falls down again–right across his foot. Grandpa: Telly Savalas.  Mommy: Name Withheld.  Featuring John Kerry with some obnoxious hand puppets.

Ch. 12  Unexplained Paranormal Weird Mysteries–Educational (?)

Join host Barry White as he explores really puzzling enigmas: A student gets a C when he expected a B; a housewife finds a lost balloon in the last place she looks; Flossie the Cat will only do her tricks when no one’s looking. Special guest appearance by Andrew the Telepathic Turnip.

Ch. 14  Knockdown! Western Action–Western

TV’s only Western filmed in southern Philadelphia! Marshall Matt Falafel (Fong Hsueh Ting) rounds up a posse (the Lennon Sisters) to chase down inadequate-feeling bank robber Killer Kahn (Ramesses II) so he can be helped by Dr. Fanabla (Moms Mabley)… before he kills again!  Special Guest Star: A woman who looks unnervingly like Taras Bulba.

Ch. 21  Movie–Drama

In “Boil My Socks!” (1991), the ageless Bowery Boys discover a plot by Bela Lugosi to corner the market in bunion pads. Can they stop it before Dr. Scholl is driven out of business? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Bela Lugosi: Godfrey Cambridge. Dr. Scholl: Max Von Sydow. Tinkle Bell: Chelsea Clinton. Chorus: several ears of corn.

Well, that ought to get you motivated for a weekend’s worth of truly subcutaneous TV viewing! What’s that? Who said I sound like Violet Crepuscular? You wait’ll I get my paws on you–!

Byron’s TV Listings REPRINT

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What Columbus Indiana Watched On Television in Shades of Black and White

 

From April 3, 2021

G’day! Coming to you from somewhere on Rottnest Island, another weekend of spectacular TV! Just don’t ask us where we get it…

10:23 P.M.  Ch. 22  NEWS with The Three Stooges

Moe, Larry, and Curly deliver news, weather, pokes in the eye, and nyuk-nyuk-nyuks. Special guest: Bertrand Russell

10:30 P.M.  Ch. 31  ROUTE 216–Picaresque Cautionary Tale

Buzz and Fuzz finally manage to push their ancient Corvette past the 25-mph mark–and break into a parallel universe where socialism really works–for gigantic man-sized insects with a thirst for blood and fritters. Buzz: Pinky Lee   Fuzz: Bruno Sammartino  Big Bug: Prince Charles

27   Movie–Philosophical Reflections

“Momma Was a Crackerball!” (1997) The incredibly aged Bowery Boys have only two days to pull off a heist at Louie’s Soda Shop before a Bela Lugosi look-alike comes to collect their souls. Leo Gorcy, Huntz Hall. Lugosi Look-Alike: Dick Cavett. Old Man: Al Jolson.

18  SURVIVAL BOWLING

Can the celebrity contestants knock all the pins over before they release a noxious gas? Tonight’s guest bowlers: Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Una O’Connor, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Host: Tim McCarver. With Al Gore and his orchestra.

10:36 P.M.  Ch 44   OUR MISS FANGS–Situation Comedy

Wally Jumblatt (Soupy Sales) and his friends at Foogoo County Night School have to pass Miss Pikestaff’s course in Transylvanian Literature while avoiding her fangs–for this teacher is a vampire! Miss Pikestaff: Anne Blyth.  Pencilhead: Robert Young. Mr. Shotglass, the Principle: a medium-sized pumpkin.

Well, that’s that! We hope we have livened up your weekend.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 13 REPRINT

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TV Guide, August 11th 1991. Featuring an ad for the new Fox TV show 'Parker Lewis Can't Lose'! : r/90s

From May 13, 2023

Greetings and g’day, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s fabulous TV shows brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a wee sample of what we’ve rounded up for you!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  SAPS!–Reality TV

Sometimes TV is so predictable! The TV detective always catches the bad guy, the TV doctor always saves the patient… But here’s the one show dedicated to those poor saps who never get it right! Tonight: Architect Barney Bock, whose entire subdivision fell into a sink-hole; and folk singer Nancy Hastur, now being sued for damages incurred when 1,000 panicked fans tried to flee her concert all at once. Host: Edsel Ford.

Ch. 19   Very Angry Hopping Mad News–News & commentary

Anchorman Mike Lava flies off the handle–he’s been known to bite studio staff–every time they air a news story… which is kind of unavoidable, this being a news program. Weatherwoman Jane Boombox screeches in a berserk rage at every symbol on her weather map. Really, no one here has the slightest notion of how to behave.

8 P.M.  Ch. 42  MY FRIEND FOOGIE–Horror/Sitcom

They think Little Eddie (Pat Buttram) has an imaginary friend, but Foogie the Invisible Vampire (Herbert S. Zim) is all too real! Tonight: Foogie preys on the June Taylor Dancers and polishes off three of them before Eddie puts his foot down. Community Organizer: Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Good news: Foogie gets her, too.

Ch. 57   MOVIE–Western with philosophical overtones

If you ever thought Gene Autry couldn’t match Plato dialogue for dialogue, think again! In Buckaroo Behemoth (Sicilian, 1966, with West German music score; 344 minutes), cowboys wander the Great Plains, pausing only to discuss deep intricacies of philosophy. Slim: Sir John Gielgud. Tex: Soupy Sales. Ma Fanabla: Marjorie Main.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started on a weekend bacchanal of TV-watching!

Quokkas: why we need to look beyond the smile - Australian Geographic

Hurry, or there’ll be no popcorn left! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 10 REPRINT

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 12th through 18th, 1977

From June 10, 2023

 

G’day, G’day–and what is so rare as a day in June? And I’m Byron the Quokka, with the answer: some of these long-lost TV shows are even rarer! But we’ve rescued a bunch of them, just for you. For example:

3:56 P.M.   Ch. 08  NEWS IN A HURRY–News & commentary

It’s the same news you get at 6 o’clock, only they get it all done in just four minutes. Ideal for the viewer who wants to get the news but has’t got half an hour to devote to it. The tape is speeded up, so be prepared to listen fast! Anchor: Irwin Corey.

4 P.M.   Ch. 10  YOU CAN FLOSTICATE!–Educational (sort of)

Little-known outside of pro baseball, Arnold Kopplo was the uncrowned King of the Flosticators. Nothing else could have kept him going through 10 years of hitting under .200 and getting booed and assaulted by fans. Now his flostication secrets can be known! Host: Rusty Gates. Medium: Madame Mabel Sweeny.

Ch. 14   DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS–Pretentious twaddle

Dr. Frank Nodule, Last Chance University, tackles a thorny proposition: “Every person has the right to be served by servants and it should be government policy to see that this is so.” Voice of Opposition: A sane person drafted off the street. Panel of Judges: the June Taylor Dancers. (“Who will serve the servants’ servants?”)

4:30 P.M.   Ch. 29   MOVIE–Musical, uh… comedy

In Hold That Coccyx! (Ethiopian, 1954), Bob Hope and Max Von Sydow are chased through Foki Forest by Ethiopian bandits led by Hugh Beaumont. Music by Chiang Kai-shek and his orchestra. Hit song (Hope and Sydow), “Aaagh, It Only Hurts When I Sit Down!” Directed by Joe Garagiola.

Ch. 44   THE COODY FAMILY–Sitcom with tragic overtones

The only tragedy is that this bomb got made in the first place! This week: Jimmy Skull-Splitter (Dick Cavett) tries to muscle his way into an Icelandic saga; but only Aunt Club Moss (Jane Austen) can tell him how to find his way out of the house. Captain Ahab: Gregory Peck. Smiling Clump of Broccoli: Emma Bovary.

Well, folks, is that great programming, or what!

Quokkas Spotting - Where to see Rottnest Island's Quokkas

Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 15 REPRINT FROM 2021

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 18th through 24th, 1979

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, hosting your weekend TV festival brought to you by Quokka University, Region AA2 Pick-up Stix champions! Here’s a little sample of what we’ve got lined up for you this weekend:

5 P.M.  Ch. 08  IT AIN’T YOUR DAY–Game show

If you thought Queen For a Day was total trash, wait’ll you see this! One of the guests is a pathological liar; the others are the tragic victims of horrible fates. Can the celebrity panel pick out the phony? If they can’t, we shoot Chuck Connors! Host: Chief Justice Earl Warren. With Turok Son of Stone and his Orchestra of Honkers.

Ch. 14  MY GUN HAS FEELINGS, TOO!–Western

Edgar Buchanan stars as wandering gunslinger Francis X. Sapirstein… who sings his gun to sleep each night and talks to it all day. This week: The Shoggoth Gang (the June Taylor Dancers) put a price on Francis’ head–$3.98–and then try to collect it themselves! Sheriff Lugnuts: Maurice Chevalier.

5:22 P.M.  Ch. 22  GARGLING NEWS–Indescribable

Can you announce the world’s news and gargle at the same time? Anchorwoman Ginger Foogu can! Well, all right, nobody can make head nor tails of what she’s saying–and the commentary by Karl “Chainsaw” Mulligan doesn’t help. But you can always read the newspaper while you’re watching!

6 P.M.  Ch. 43  MOVIE–Jungle adventure

“Vampire of The Lost World” (Mexican, 1963) features Steve Reeves look-alike Jorge Meniscus [Editor: We don’t believe he looks like Steve Reeves] leads an expedition of school children and maniacs into the depths of the New Jersey Pine Barrens in search of a lost city full of vampires–stealthily stalked every step of the way by a Soviet super-spy (Dan Blocker).

6:20 P.M.  Ch. 64  THE BOOGALOOS–Sitcom/Philosophical reflections

Poppa Boogaloo (Carl Sagan) goes into hysterics when he can’t find his lucky tie-clip… and the family’s afraid to tell him that Joody (Donna Reed) is dating a man who sneaks up on people and scares them. Momma: Heather Locklear. Soopy: Dr. Phil. Man Who Sneaks Up on People and Scares Them: Lorne Greene.

Okay, that’s it for free samples! If you want any more, you have to watch it on your TV set.

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Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings REPRINT

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Image result for images of 1959 TV listings

From February 13, 2021

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV listings to spice up your weekend–if you call watching TV spicy. The Quokka University TV Network makes these shows available–I don’t know how, and I don’t ask. If anybody asks, I haven’t been here today.

7 p.m.  03  HITTITE NEWS  Anchor: Shuri-Teshub son of Ishmak

04  THE FACEHEADS (Comedy). Randy gets some peculiar ideas after watching a movie about “Killer Kats.” Randy: Denzel Washington. Dr. Gesundheit: Sandy Becker. Special guest appearance by Sabu as Chief Dawson.

07  BEAT THE CROCK (Game Show) New! Ordinary schlubs team up with celebrity schlubs to see who can swim across The Pool of Death without getting pulled under. Emcee: Orville Redenbacher.

7:17 p.m. 11  MOVIE–TRAGEDY

“That Darned Hamster!” (1961)  The Bowery Boys tangle with an ancient Ethiopian sorceress brought back to life by fish flakes, and only Duncan the Hamster can save the day–if they can find him! Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Madame Fong: Dame Judith Anderson. Song: “Oh, Those Cedar Shavings!” Perry Mason and his orchestra.

7:30 p.m.  02  SPEAKING IN MONOSYLLABLES–EDUCATION

Don’t waste time with words when simple grunts will do! Tonight: Professor Spigot reduces Moby Dick to a mere 20 seconds, using grunts, eye-rolling, and hand gestures.

05  GRIME AND PUNISHMENT–COURTROOM DRAMA

Judge Hobart Hornswoggle tries re-enacted criminal and civil cases involving kitchen grease and various kinds of slop–in front of a jury of stuffed plush animals.

Well, that’s all I have time for now–I have to hurry on to the next post. See you in a bit.