Tag: Byron the Quokka

Byron the Quokka to the Rescue!

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Imagine my dismay last night, at precisely 2:17 a.m., when my agents informed me that Violet Crepuscular has been arrested for that business with the toothpaste rolls, and her manuscript of Oy, Rodney been impounded by police. Something had to be done before the cops burned the papers.

Byron the Quokka has been sent to rescue Ms. Crepuscular–he’s sure he can get in and out of the police station, and in and out of the holding cell, without anyone seeing or hearing him–and safely retrieve the manuscript. He promises success. It seems a great-aunt of his once sprang H.G. Wells from jail.

Well, if he’s not back in another two hours, I’ll have to presume they did catch him, after all, and then find someone to rescue him.

Any volunteers?

 

Byron’s TV Listings, May 22 REPRINT

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From May 22, 2021

G’dy, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s TV offerings from Quokka University. Last week they tried to catch us with the goods, and we had a narrow escape: fortunately the cops were too big to follow us into our burrows.

Anyway, if you’re looking for the absolute finest in TV viewing–greetings, pilgrim, your search is ended! (I heard that in a coffee commercial once: it sounds real cool.)

9:00 P.M.  Ch. 04   ALIEN CIRCUS BOY–Science Fiction/Western

How better for space aliens to prepare their conquest of the earth than by touring the Old West disguised as a traveling circus? This week: Hoozkwrthopofht the Clown (William Windom) gets picked up by a suspicious sheriff (Gilles de Rais), and it’s up to Ringmaster Mtghwowllixtll (Linda Hunt) to rescue him before his Delusion Cream wears off. Agnes: James Brolin

05  BIMBU EL-SAYEED–Discussion

Bimbu’s difficulties with English don’t stop him from simultaneously interviewing cartoon characters’ rights activist Judi Kazudi and medium Erica Tadpole, who is in contact with… well, nobody. Featuring Andrew Cuomo’s brain in a jar. With the Whoopee Goldberg Dancers.

10  THE BEST OF JOHN KERRY–Waste of Time

How do you compile “the best of” when there is no “best” to start with? Panelists (Roberto Duran, Peggy Cass, Sir Kenneth Clark, and Johnny Weismuller) try to figure it out! Host: A poorly-groomed, aggressive dog.

9:22 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Mystery/Horror

In “Lassie Goes Rogue” (1961), the beloved collie turns cunning killer and terrorizes the small town of Bab-O, Czechoslovakia. Can the Bowery Boys track her down and stop her before she depopulates the region; or will Lassie finish them off first? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Dr. Potatosky: Hale Boggs. Shell collector: Jack LaLanne. Lassie’s Mom: Eleanor Roosevelt.

10:06 P.M.  Ch. 33  WHO CAN SQUEEZE THROUGH THE NARROW OPENING?–Game Show for Claustrophobics

Oversized celebrity contestants try to force themselves through increasingly constricted openings. Host: Rosie O’Donnell. With Woody Woodpecker and his orchestra.

Well! That certainly makes me want to sit down and watch hours and hours of TV! Break out the potato chips!

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 2 2021 REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1962

Look at this–October already! Time flies when you’re posting TV listings!

Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of intersectional TV–I thought I’d say that and see if it got a rise out of anybody. There’s a wallaby who jumps four feet into the air if he thinks something’s intersectional.

Here’s a little piece of this weekend’s menu.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 08   BOBBING FOR APPLES–Game Show

It’s looks easy–but in every tub of floating apples, there’s an angry crab! Sooner or later, some contestant’s going to get bitten. Host: Basil III, Byzantine Emperor. Celebrity contestants: Angela Merkel, Bette Davis, Chiang Kai-shek, and a rugose cone from Antarctica.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   MOVIE–Horror

“The Scary Lady Who Chops Off Heads and Eats Them” (Mexican, 1967) features the June Taylor Dancers as sirens who lure unsuspecting randy gentlemen into the clutches of a ravenous space alien (Zsa Zsa Gabor) who looks like Zsa Zsa Gabor. Featured Song: “I Got Plenty of Letter Openers”

Ch. 23   RE-IMAGINE YOUR SOCKS–Drivel

Are you ready to enhance your sock experience? Join your host, a sea cucumber in a tank, as various celebrity guests (celebrities from Burkina Faso: you won’t have heard of them) rhapsodize about what a nice pair of socks really feels like! With John Kerry and his orchestra.

9 P.M.  Ch. 02   I LIVE FACE-DOWN–Crime Drama (Noir)

Cynical, burnt-out private eye Marvin Blah (James Fenimore Cooper) can’t even drag himself out of bed in the morning–so how’s he supposed to solve “The Disappearing Gorgeous Dame Caper”? Superhero Shapeless Blob Man (Richard Crenna) has to use poisonous snakes to get him motivated! Guest star: Venus de Milo (with arms)

Ch. 31  ARE YOU AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK?–Quiz Show

Trick questions like “Who are you?” are bound to trip up stupid famous people when host Monte Hall asks them! Watch career politicians get hopelessly tangled up by posers like “What are you doing?” and “How old are you?” Remember the Congresswoman whose head exploded when asked what time it is!

There! That ought to get you in a TV frame of mind! Aunt Squeezy is visiting us this weekend, so we know we’re going to be watching a lot of TV–in between games of Clue! This quokka really has it in for Col. Mustard–always trying to pin the crime on him. But I digress…

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Gee, I can still see the TV screen from 50 feet away!

An Exclusive Interview with Byron the Quokka

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(Editor’s Note: The following interview was done by Ernest and Giulio Gallo for Not Those Gallos Brothers! Magazine. These are excerpts.)

E&G: Have you settled into your job as contest manager for this blog?

BTQ: Yes.

E&G: We understand this is only the second interview you’ve ever granted.

BTQ: That’s true. The first one, the guy told me he was Col. Mustard from the Clue game and I believed him because he looked like Col. Mustard, and then he turned out to be some patzer named Henderson and all the other quokkas laughed at me for a week and went around calling themselves Miss Scarlet or Professor Plum, etc. I have to admit–it left scars. But I granted this interview because my Uncle Cedric thought it was the Gallo Brothers who make that wine he likes so much, and I just couldn’t disappoint him.

E&G: Who do you try to pattern yourself after?

BTQ: (thinking it over for a good five minutes) I guess the Sons of Hercules.

E&G: what do you like best about working for this blog?

BTQ: The hours are flexible, the pay is fantastic, I get to see all the cat and hamster videos I want, and I love the readers, they are cool! Also I get to go to New Jersey now and then and ride on the handlebars of Lee’s bike.

E&G: Do you think Australia will ever have a quokka as prime minster?

BTQ: (dives into burrow. Won’t come out. Faint noise of him blowing a raspberry at the interviewers).

From Dec 14, 2019

 

Be Patient, We’ll Get to It!

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Crikey! I’ve just been promoted to executive editorial assistant, or something like that. Byron the Quokka here–to tell you that we are snowed under with stuff today, but Lee is gonna do his level best to get to it. I told him, though, to hold onto a couple of the hymn requests for tomorrow, in case we don’t get any more.

We could wind up with ten or twelve posts today, easy–and the joke’d be on us if no one viewed them!

On to the next one!

From January  2020

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 27 REPRINT

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Retrospace: TV Guide #8: Feb 12-18, 1977

G’day, all! It’s Byron the Multi-Tasking Underpaid Quokka, introducing this weekend’s glorious TV fare, presented by Quokka University, while at the same time trying to manage this blog’s annual Christmas Carol Contest.

Tell you what: while you watch these wonderful shows, think up some Christmas carols you can enter in the contest.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 92   SQUEAKY TOY CHAMPIONSHIPS–Sports

Live from an undisclosed location! Celebrity dogs squeeze the world’s loudest, annoyingest, and most unusual squeaky toys–far into the night. Commentators: Charles, Prince of Wales, and Redd Fox. With Grandpa Fritz’s Oom-pah Band.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 04   ADVENTURES IN DATING with Noah Peel–Romance

Contestants will be matched up by “Mr. Single” Noah Peel and forced to go on at least one date together. Noah picks the time and place–at random, out of The Magic Dating Jar! Watch the hapless couple try to deal with “2 a.m. at the deserted amusement park”! Winners get a weekend with the June Taylor Dancers on Catalina Island.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 12  MY MOTHER THE UNSETTLING ODOR–Sitcom

What if your mother came back to life as a queer odor that makes people really nervous? That’s what’s happened to mealworm expert Dib McCoy (Yuan Shih-kai) and his late mother (the voice of Ann Boleyn). This week: Mom revisits her local bridge club, causing a full-blown panic–and Dib gets the blame! Special guest star: Alan Hale.

Ch. 18   I LIVE FACE-DOWN–Detective Series

Inspired by decades of film noir cliches, follow the adventures of Harry Morbid (Jock Mahoney) as he gets slugged by bad guys, bugged by his girlfriend (Heather Locklear), and mugged by the gangs who infest his wretched neighborhood. This week: Harry’s only close friend (Jimmy Walker) runs off with Harry’s cat, Farfel (voice of Rowan Atkinson).

7:17 P.M.  Ch. 86  MOVIE–Chess

In Pawn to King-Four (1979), Bobby Fischer Wannabe (Johnny Cash) invents a new chess opening that flattens (literally!) all opposition and seems likely to lead to a world championship–if the KGB, the CIA, and the UJA don’t get him first! Song: “I’m Just a Poor Boy En Passant.” Trivia note: this was the last film ever directed by a hamster.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, there you have it–just a sample of this weekend’s entertainment. Make sure you’ve got plenty of crispy leaves handy for snacks!

I love that squeaky toy show!   From 11/27/2021

Baby Quokka Eating Ficus Leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Image of herbivorous, eyes: 201938562

Byron the Quokka to the Rescue! (With TV Listings) REPRINT

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Vintage Johnstown: More TV Guide - 1967 | Tv guide, Tv guide listings, Vintage tv

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, trying to save this blog. At Quokka University we have made an extra-special effort to point you to the very best in weekend television. You wouldn’t believe what we had to go through, to get these shows!

Here’s just a sample of them.

8 P.M.   Ch. 06   ADVENTURES OF IZOD LACOSTE–Are they kidding?

The famous fashion designer discovers a lost city inhabited by maniacs! Major Fapp: Orrin Hatch.  Cannibalistic milk-maid: Heather Locklear. Featuring a special appearance by Tommy the Corgi as a German shepherd.

Ch. 10  SPECIAL AGENT 717–Spy thriller

As the World Economic Forum heats up, Col. Babycakes (Junior Sample) tries to thwart a scheme to kidnap the June Taylor Dancers. Can Agent 717 (Arnold Stang) save the world from a fleeting bout of incredulous dismay? Cameo appearance by Alvin the Octopus taking Alfred Hitchcock for a walk.

8:08 P.M.  Ch. 13  NEWS FOR NUDISTS WHO TALK BACKWARDS–Niche programming

Would you believe this was 2017’s top-rated news show? The ratings have slipped since anchorwoman Leslie Oop started to wear clothes and speak normally, but the rest of the studio crew and the reporters in the field are still barely comprehensible. (That’s a joke, my friends!)

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 34  MOVIE–Classical Tragedy for really smart people

In “Tarzan’s Vegas Gig” (Spanish-Canadian, 1987), the ape-man plays the Vegas nightclubs as a stand-up philosopher while a vampire (Haystacks Calhoun) stalks the city. What happens when the two of them try to buy the same flower shop? Featured song, It Must Be the Diuretics!

Ch. 61  JIMMY FRAUD PRESENTS–Game show

At last, a game show for people who literally have nothing better to do! Ideal for heavily sedated patients in a hospital. “In fact, they might not even need sedation anymore!” says Jimmy. Each contestant gets 50 tries to guess what’s in Jimmy’s cardboard box–and if you grovel, you get another 50 tries! In-House Poet: Some guy Jimmy went to high school with, but can’t remember his name.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

There! If these shows don’t stirrup interest, I’m riding out of here! That’s a pun, son. It’s making the rounds on Rottnest Island and we’re all laughing ourselves silly over it.

From June 2022

Byron’s TV Listings, May 8 2021 REPRINT

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Vintage 1960 Tv Listings Related Keywords & Suggestions - Vintage ... | Keyword suggestion, Tv guide listings, Tv guide

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where we get it!

Without any further ado–we’re just about out of ado, anyhow–here’s a sample.

8:06 A.M.  Ch. 2  GUMBY’S STOCK MARKET TIPS

You won’t get rich, but you might get entertained. What the heck, it’s only money. Let Gumby and Poky show you how to invest it.

8:08   Ch. 3   WANTED FOR FRAUD: GUMBY

Anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of Gumby, please contact the Channel 3 Fraud Squad. $15 reward!

8:15   Ch. 5   CROCKED NEWSTALK–News and Commentary

You have to be noticeably intoxicated before they let you join this panel. Tonight’s celebrity drunkard: Big-game hunter Hap “Oops!” Chandler. Tonight’s topic: “String Theory: Who ****ing Gives a ****?” With Xi Jin Ping and his orchestra.

9 A.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Waste of time

“Hamlet Prince of Denmark, Michigan” (2002)  Re-adaptation of Shakespeare’s Hamlet in modern dress and setting, with Hamlet as the son trying to inherit a shoe store after his father is murdered by Brownies. Hamlet: Alec Guinness. Father’s Ghost: Ben Dover. Ophelia: Zsa Zsa Gabor. Polonius: the Bowery Boys. With Henny Youngman’s Joke Machine.

Ch. 32   MY MOTHER THE GUNSLINGER–Western

While a rogue shark picks off Dodge City’s innocent swimmers, Sheriff Flimsy (John Gielgud) must ask Ma (Shari Lewis) to buckle on her guns again to deal with a mysterious stranger who shoots everybody. Dusty the Dog: James Whitmore. Sid the Horse: Alva Toffler  Mary Ellen the Beetle: Linda Hunt.

Well, there you have it–just a taste of what awaits you when you tune into Quokka UTV.

Byron’s TV Listings REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Welcome to another weekend of Quokka University TV, live from Rottnest Island. I’m your host, Byron the Quokka. We always show a TV Guide page to get you cranked up for our offerings. I do wish I could watch Make That Spare, from the Paramus NJ Bowling Center–and Prehistoric Women! Uncle Shinbone thinks it might be the best movie ever made.

Well, here are some of our listings. Sit back with a handful of nice chewy leaves, and enjoy it!

8:14 P.M.   08, 09  HOWLER MONKEYS (Nature). A glorious 28 minutes of Costa Rican howler monkeys screeching at the cameraman, the late Ivan Pitfall.

8:15  11  Barney Dottle, Police Defective (Crime Drama) Barney thinks he’s hot on the trail of a desperate gang of armed robbers, but his continual misinterpretation of clues leads him to arrest the attendees of a PTA meeting. Barney: Jack Palance. Mrs. Dogless: The Lennon Sisters.

12  Movie–Classic Tragedy

“The Naked and the Clothed” (1957) The Bowery Boys are caught napping when Nikita Khrushchev, posing as just another neighborhood character, tricks them into revealing America’s funniest military secrets. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Khrushchev: Himself. Timon of Athens: Tim McCarver.

13  Battle of the Brains–Public Affairs

Pinky Lee hosts a debate between former U.S. Senator Biff Boff and Rep. Rosie Hejaz on the topic, “Should prayer be allowed in churches?” With Willie Sutton and his orchestra, and the June Taylor Dancers.

8:32 P.M.   03  Bowling For Dear Life–Sports/Drama

If you really need that medicine, you’d better bowl a strike! Up for grabs tonight: life-saving medicine, parole from Chateau D’If Prison, ownership of a home, graduation from law school, and other goodies. Join host Willis Twombley  as he reminds the contestants, “No pressure!”

840 QUOKKAS ideas in 2021 | quokka, happy animals, cute animals

Some readers have complained that they can’t trust these TV listings unless my picture is published with them. So that’s me, right up there–and it’s TV time!

Quokka U. TV Listings

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Meet the Quokka

As promised, boys ‘n’ girls, here are more TV listings. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Quokka University has its own TV network–but I’ll let Byron the Quokka explain.

[Enter, laughing] G’day! Don’t ask me how we got all those TV shows–I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Just enjoy the listings–and if anyone asks, I haven’t been here today.

1 p.m.

02. Movie, “Dadburn!” (1952) A middle-aged seamstress (Linda Hunt) comes to terms with herself and becomes a professional assassin. Scotty: James Doohan. Number One: Barbara Billingsly.

03. Literary Mischief. E.M. Forster takes Virginia Woolf to the drive-in movie, unaware that J.D. Salinger has hidden a body in the back seat. Forster: Godfrey Cambridge. Woolf: Loretta Young.

07. What’s My Delusion? (Game Show) Host: Angela Merkel. The wildest delusion gets the wildest prize.

1:30 p.m.

04. Mid-Day News with Harpo Marx.

07. Sports. “Fishing with the Sadducees.”

09. The Gallumphing Gourmet (Cooking). Making hamburgers with ingredients that don’t exist. Guest: Clairvoyant Claire and the voice of Emperor Tiberius.

[Hey! Where did Byron go? Something tells me his heart isn’t in this.]