Tag: laugh break

Byron’s TV Listings (April 17) REPRINT

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

From April 17, 2021

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University and sources better left un-named. Hey, dig that ad for Bat Masterson, sponsored by Sealtest Ice Cream. We still have Sealtest here on Rottnest Island. I love their Eucalyptus Swirl!

Without further ado, here’s a little piece of our schedule.

7:26 P.M.  Ch. 29   Boating With Davy Jones

How much trouble can you get into in a rowboat? Watch Davy as he and celebrity guest Rosie O’Donnell wind up beached in a hot-tempered homeowner’s back yard! With Beto O’Rorke and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  The House of Atreus–Comedy

You think you’ve got troubles? Watch the look on Grandpa’s face when he finds out he’s just eaten his beloved grandchildren for supper. And then there’s Sisyphus (Phil Silvers) who’s almost got that boulder up the hill when it falls down again–right across his foot. Grandpa: Telly Savalas.  Mommy: Name Withheld.  Featuring John Kerry with some obnoxious hand puppets.

Ch. 12  Unexplained Paranormal Weird Mysteries–Educational (?)

Join host Barry White as he explores really puzzling enigmas: A student gets a C when he expected a B; a housewife finds a lost balloon in the last place she looks; Flossie the Cat will only do her tricks when no one’s looking. Special guest appearance by Andrew the Telepathic Turnip.

Ch. 14  Knockdown! Western Action–Western

TV’s only Western filmed in southern Philadelphia! Marshall Matt Falafel (Fong Hsueh Ting) rounds up a posse (the Lennon Sisters) to chase down inadequate-feeling bank robber Killer Kahn (Ramesses II) so he can be helped by Dr. Fanabla (Moms Mabley)… before he kills again!  Special Guest Star: A woman who looks unnervingly like Taras Bulba.

Ch. 21  Movie–Drama

In “Boil My Socks!” (1991), the ageless Bowery Boys discover a plot by Bela Lugosi to corner the market in bunion pads. Can they stop it before Dr. Scholl is driven out of business? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Bela Lugosi: Godfrey Cambridge. Dr. Scholl: Max Von Sydow. Tinkle Bell: Chelsea Clinton. Chorus: several ears of corn.

Well, that ought to get you motivated for a weekend’s worth of truly subcutaneous TV viewing! What’s that? Who said I sound like Violet Crepuscular? You wait’ll I get my paws on you–!

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 19

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Bcast_Md — TV Guide listings for April 8, 1959. “Varsity...

Are you ready for another weekend of glorious TV, acquired in secret by Quokka University?

G’day! Byron the Quokka here. Get yourself a handful of crunchy leaves and head for the nearest easy chair. Here are some samples.

7 P.M.  Ch. 05   THE FOP–Crime Drama/Fashion

Ace detective Jimbo Fimbo (the Smothers Brothers) won’t get his hands dirty, and all his clothes are top-of-the-line high fashion. A lot of crimes go unsolved while he admires himself in the mirror (Telly Savalas). This week: Mayor Strumpet (Strother Martin) pleads with Jimbo to solve a kidnapping. Blind Pew: Sandy Duncan.

Ch. 14   BE YOUR OWN STUNT MAN!–Educational

Yes, you, too, can jump out of high windows or out of moving cars! All it takes is practice. Regular host and instructor Stumpy Gruber returns from that unfortunate accident with the riding mower to show this week’s guest how to fall down the stairs without breaking anything. Attending physician: Former M.D. Betty Woont.

7:17 P.M.   Ch. 33   WEREWOLF NEWSROOM–News/Horror

This news studio is a ruined castle in Transylvania, with werewolf Sid Yatjac at the anchor’s desk, ready to undergo an agonizing shape-shift every time the moon is full. Weather: Count Steve (vampire). Sports: Cindy Indy from Rawalpindi (witch). With zombies as needed.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 61  MOVIE–Thriller

In “You Can’t Spell Bnx” (Swiss, 2002), the last cowboy in Budapest (Rip Torn) tries to organize a cattle drive to Brussels–can the June Taylor Dancers stop him? Sheriff Mayoroczy: Toshiro Mifune. Louise Bingle: Angela Mao. Three-year-old bearded boy with delusions of grandeur: Soupy Sales.

Ch.  84   CHUCKY HAS NO BRAINS–Formless twaddle

Retired from his career in horror movies, Chucky the Killer Doll now hosts a quiz show featuring flesh-and-blood human contestants who are dumber than he is. Get the answer wrong, and you’ll get hurt! This week’s Really Hard Question: “What do people study at clown school?” With Francisco Franco and his orchestra.

Well, folks, that’s that! Science says that watching these shows will eventually double your brain size! I don’t know. Wouldn’t that… hurt, if your skull size didn’t double, too? Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

Byron’s TV Listings, June 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1965

G’day! It’s raining here on Rottnest Island, but we don’t care–we’ve got another fabulous weekend’s worth of Quokka University TV! Byron the Quokka here, serving as spokesquokka for QUTV because everybody else is hiding–some UN TV agency almost caught me last week.

Here’s some samples for you to lust after while I find a hiding place.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 05  PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL GAS–Discussion/Piffle

Host Mervyn Puncho grills three masked intellectuals on their recommendations for what “pregnant persons” should eat. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  EFT TROOP–Western/Adventure/Nature

A brood of red efts colonizes an abandoned army post and crawls around in the leaf litter. A brave Sioux warrior (G.K. Chesterton) befriends them just in time for the happy hour at Senor Wences’ Saloon.

Ch.  12   MOVIE–Romance

Lord Jeremy Coldsore (Alan Hale) and Lady Margo Cargo (Katherine Hepburn) pursue a torrid romance in Oy, Rodney! (2020) But there’s a problem–Lady Margo’s upholstered wooden leg is missing! Constable Chumley: Rowan Atkinson. A Man Who Looks Like Lee J. Cobb: Lee J. Cobb

Ch. 19   WARTS AND ALL!–Game Show

Who’s got the biggest warts in the funniest shapes–and in the most unexpected places? Emcee Roberto “No mas!” Duran uses threats to get celebrity guests to show their warts. Tonight’s guests include Jim Bowie, Timon of Athens, Cardinal Richelieu, and Cher. With Dr. Fudgie Fauci and his orchestra.

8:06 P.M.   Ch. 43   GIANT BUGS ARE REAL!–Idiocy

Secret documentary films acquired by Joe & Jill Biden reveal small towns and even large cities, all over the world, menaced and attacked by colossal insects (if you want to count arachnids as insects). Commentary by a tongue-tied Irishman. Special guest: Sharon Stone, recently voted the world’s leading expert on spiders the size of a Dunkin Donuts stand.

Right! Well, there it is, and I’m snuggled up with my TV set someplace where the globalist hornswogglers can’t get me, with plenty of eucalyptus leaves to munch on–and Lee dreamed last night of a tree full of koalas, so this is probably not a good time to get him riled up, poor chap…

Byron’s TV Listings (April 10-11)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1963

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of indescribably wonderful TV brought to you by Quokka University.

Warning: See that ad for “The Tempest”? That was first broadcast in 1960, when a certain 11-year-old saw it and came down with a crush on Lee Remick, who played Whatsername.

Right! Here are a few samples. And remember, I have nothing to do with it!

7:25 P.M.  Ch. 3  FAST NEWS

Speed-reader Burt Fomble whizzes through 50 minutes’ worth of news in just five minutes! With Bernie Madoff and his orchestra.

7:30  Ch. 4  BET EVERYTHING!–Game Show

Contestants either come out rich beyond anything they ever imagined possible, or totally destitute, having lost literally everything–right down to the shirts off their backs! House, car, wedding ring–all gone. Host: Vincent Price.

Ch. 6  MOVIE–EXOTIC WESTERN

“Truth Is Stranger Than Friction” (1956) is the first Western set on the planet Mars. The Bowery Boys form a posse to try to catch a stage robber whose Martian physiology allowed him to engulf a whole stagecoach like a gigantic amoeba. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Professor Fancy Feast: Prince Souvanna Phouma. Dr. Won Hong Lo: Gustav Svenson. Little Mary: Edith Wharton.

Ch. 12  LOST IN THE PYRAMID–ARCHAEOLOGY GAME SHOW

Can you find your way out of the pyramid without getting caught in one of its lethal booby traps? Without getting locked up in the mummy’s tomb? If you can, there’s a set of El Supremo Quality European Luggage waiting for you on the outside! Closed-circuit TV cameras track the fun. Host: Eli Whitney. Innovative sound track: Supremes hits played backwards.

8 P.M.  Ch. 13  VINNIE PONG–INTERVIEWS

Often described as the worst TV show ever, host Vinnie Pong interviews a succession of guests who are all much smarter than he is but have to wait for the questions because of Vinnie getting tongue-tied–to say nothing of asking one guest questions that were prepared for another. Co-host Carolyn Snort has to be restrained from assaulting the guests. No wonder Greta Thunberg threw a tantrum on the set!

Well, there you have it–a small sample of the delights awaiting you on Quokka U. TV. If you get hooked on it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Daxon the Quokka (@quokkahub) | Twitter

 

Laugh Break: A Joke

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

2,189 Tequila Shot Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

I need a break before I tackle a Newswithviews column today. Susan told me this joke, and I’d like to share it with you.

A man in a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper sees another man, a big and handsome, athletic sort of man, come in and order a tequila. He drinks it in one gulp, then runs to the nearest window and yanks it open. Fearing a suicide attempt, the first man jumps up and tries to stop him, but he’s too late: the big man leaps out of the window.

Our friend watches in horror as the newcomer plummets to the earth. But then a strange thing happens: just before he hits the sidewalk, the man stops falling. He floats gently, feet-first, to the sidewalk; then runs back into the building, back into the bar.

“You serve the best tequila, Joe!” he cries. “Gimme another!” He gulps that down, runs back to the window, and jumps out again. And the same thing happens. Amazing!

“One more, Joe–one more tequila!” He swallows that, and for the third time, dives out the window. Again he floats harmlessly to the sidewalk, after dropping like a stone most of the way.

Well, our friend has seen enough. “What a rush that must be!” he thinks. So he orders a tequila, gulps it down, and throws himself out the window–and splatters to his death on the sidewalk below. Meanwhile, the big man saunters back into the bar.

And the bartender frowns at him and says, “Gee, Superman, you sure play mean tricks when you drink!”

 

A Hit TV Series That Couldn’t Be Produced

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Bracelet with handcuff key is on cops' watch list - New York Daily News

[Hat tip to my wife for the original idea]

You may have thought no idea was too idiotic for TV today. The suits at Fonebone Studios thought so, too.

It was a guaranteed winning idea, a sure hit. “Just think of it as Father Brown meets Kojack!” gushed executive producer Shemp Cafone. “We checked with our lawyers, Fowler & Fowler, and they couldn’t think of any snag that might hold us back. All we gotta do is cast it!”

Tentatively titled I Confess, Already!, the show centers on a Catholic Priest, Father Farfel… who is also Lt. Farley Farfel, homicide detective! “First he hears their confession, and then he busts ’em!” exclaimed Mr. Cafone. “You see the bad guy comin’ outta the confession thingy in handcuffs! Lt. Farfel bags another one!”

Several writers had to be fired before they could find some who’d consent to write the scripts. Said one fired screenwriter, who asked his name to be withheld, “What are they, crazy? No priest would do that! You can’t arrest someone after hearing his confession! You can’t even tell anybody else what he confessed to. Holy cow, you don’t even have to be Catholic to know that! Those guys at Fonebone are total idiots.”

Two scripts had already been written, and negotiations under way with Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Father Farfel, when the studio president’s 8-year-old granddaughter pointed out that of course not, you can’t hear someone’s confession and then arrest him. His cousin the bishop affirmed that. Without further ado, the project was killed. So was Shemp Cafone.

And it never saw the light of day…

An Experiment: My Own TV Listings

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide

I’m still intrigued by yesterday’s post about TV listings. I mean, could I do that–summarize the content of a show in less than 20 words? Well, the only way to find out is to try.

Let me imagine myself sometime back in the early 1960s, reading the listings of some TV shows invented for the purpose at hand. Let me try now.

Blithering Smith World’s dumbest railroad detective finds someone even dumber. Guest spot by Twiggy as a talking sapling.

Movie “I’ve Got Hives” (1951) Itchy case of hives spawns new dance craze! Prof. Bunion: Leo Gorcy. Violet Crepuscular: Brigitte Bardot. [Oops! One word too long!]

“Pull, You Broken-Down Wretches!” The art of plowing with reluctant mules. Host: Charles DeGaulle.

I’ve Got a Goiter (Game Show). Live from Indecent Exposure, Missouri. Guest Host: Taduszjwier Gzjsweiner.

Gastro Boy (Cartoon Series) Dr. Fap programs the robot to eat bugs, with unforeseen results.

Whew! I’m getting a hot head doing this, I’d better stop for a while. I had no idea it was so hard!

A Child’s Critique: ‘It’s Poop!’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

This little boy is extremely dubious about the sloppy joe served up to him for dinner.

We do have to be careful about what grownups want to feed us. I remember one time, when I was very young, my Aunt Gertie gave me what I took to be a piece of chocolate candy. But when I bit into it, it had a coffee filling and out it went!

By the way, the portion served to this toddler is way too big even if it isn’t poop.