Tag: crazy TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, May 14

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Michael J. Hayde's BETTER LIVING THROUGH TELEVISION: Unfortunate Timing for TV Guide

Crikey! May is already half-over. Time really flies when you’re watching great TV.

G’day, Byron the Quokka here with another weekend’s worth of skintillating television brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. Here are a few samples from our menu.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 46  ANNUAL DINDLE AWARDS–Duh, awards show?

Who’s the biggest dindle on TV, this year? Who’s the actor they tried to burn at the stake (lucky for him it rained)? This year’s Dindle Awards extravaganza focuses on the career of Zeb Fingle, a famous celebrity we guarantee you never heard of. There were a lot of movies Zeb meant to make, but never got around to any of them. Emcee: Alvin the Octopus.

Ch. 51   THE TAWAGALAWAS–Ancient sitcom

Ever since the ancient Hittite comedy/drama serial was discovered on cuneiform tablets deep underneath a modern nail salon in Tuberville, Wales, scholars have been working to translate it into Japanese, English, and Esperanto… and now it’s ready!

Meet the Tawagalawas, a 12th-century B.C. Hittite family with a rambunctious teenaged son (Floyd Vivino), a daredevil daughter (Phyllis Diller), and a tyrannical Assyrian boss (Phil Silvers) who wants to enslave them. “Best Hittite sitcom ever!”–Rex Reed. “Makes those Babylonian sitcoms look like dog-meant”–Sir Kenneth Clark.

8 P.M.  Ch. 09   PRIVATE EYES, PUBLIC LEGS–Crime drama

By night they’re 16 high-kicking dancers; by day, they’re solving crimes. The June Taylor Dancers star as a dance troupe bringing law and order to a city that has defunded the police and doesn’t know how to fund them back. This week: the Dancers have a close shave when they get stuck in a closet, all trying to see the same clue at once. Guest star: Pablo Casals, without his cello.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 18  NEWS THAT NOBODY WANTS–News (sort of)

Ever wonder about the news stories that no one bothered to cover? The stuff that was left on the cutting room floor–if it even got that far?

Anchor Jimmy Fraud and his crack team of homeless beggars canvass the major studios to buy unwanted footage. Tonight: A woman finds a yellowjacket in her mailbox; an interview with some idiot mumbling with his mouth full of oatmeal; some film shot with the lens cap still on.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM–Action/adventure/philosophy

Ricardo Montalban and Phil Rizzuto star in “So Long, Cannibals!” (Norwegian, 1997), as adventurers seeking a lost city in the Amazon rain forest, only to find it inhabited by cannibals who think they’re movie stars. Featuring Soupy Sales, Denis Menke, Maggie Smith, Jacqueline Bisset, and the hit song, “Adenoids on Fire,” by Christy Schmendrick.

Well, folks, if that doesn’t tempt you, I just give up!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, May 7

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1962

G’day and greetings, human beans! Byron the Quokka here, with QUTV (Quokka University TV) and a treasure-trove of bodacious TV viewing for your weekend. Grab a handful of crunchy green leaves and revel in shows… like these!

7:47 P.M.  Ch. 19   FAKE-O-RAMA NEWS–Shameful parody of journalism

Not one of these news stories is true! Anchors Sam Donaldson and Jessica Phrogg don’t even pretend to be reporting things that actually happened. Special tonight: Climate Change drowns the whole island of Madagascar; women, minorities, hardest hit. With Augie Donatelli and his orchestra.

8 P.M.   Ch. 08  MOVIE–Shakespearean Western

In “As you like it, Podnuh” (Egyptian, 1977), Shakespeare’s classic comedy is translated into an Egyptian Western starring Dame Judith Anderson, Don Stroud, and some guy from Lakewood, NJ. Action reaches a climax with a memorable gunfight in the total darkness under the Sphinx. (No mummies were damaged in the famous mummy scene.)

Ch. 26   SNAKE PEOPLE OF DAISY DRIVE–Sitcom

Alex (Yuan Shih-Kai) and Minnie (Morgan Fairchild) are distressed because their son Bongo (Alec Guinness) won’t eat rodents. This controversial episode of the hit series, which I am sorry to say got it cancelled, debuted the unpleasant song, “Ain’t No Grass Growin’ On My ***.”

Ch. 41  BEAT THE CROCK–Game Show

Contestants try to assemble complicated plastic models of cars, airplanes, and skeletons before the Guest Politician can finish reciting his “crock.” If they succeed, the guest gets pushed into a pool of horribly cold water. If they don’t… Well, as host Alfonso VII, former King of Spain, says, “I’m so sorry I’ve got to do this to you!”

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 51   I LIVE FACE-DOWN–Crime Drama

With the whole city of Pablum, N. Dakota, paralyzed by a serial killer, Detective Sergeant Amos Coleslaw (Billy Gilbert) gets kicked off the force for even suggesting that the June Taylor Dancers are behind the murder spree. Acting on his own, will he be able to stop them before they depopulate the city and move on to another? Special guest star: Alvin the Octopus.

Well, folks, I don’t know about you, but these shows look mighty good to me. I mean, everything on Rottnest Island just stops when “Snake People” comes on!

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This is Byron the Quokka, signing off in a hurry–don’t want to miss those opening credits!

Byron’s TV Listings, April 30

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Dec. 26, 1959 TV Guide (ANNIE OAKLEY/GAIL DAVIS/CYD CHARRISE/BOBBY DARIN) | eBay

Gotta get this written up while Lee’s laptop is working!

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and are you ready for indescribably fabulous TV, a whole weekend’s worth? Check out these samples from our menu.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 07   PRETENTIOUS NINNIES–Public television

If you like interminable conversations by tedious ninnies in love with themselves, talking about foreign movies so dull, they make grass shrivel, you’ll really dig this! Host: Howdy Doody (the real one, not the puppet). This week: untitled 1967 Czechoslovakian movie about nothing at all. Guest: Magic Johnson.

Ch.  12  DANCIN’ THE NEWS–News and commentary

Instead of reading the day’s news, the June Taylor Dancers rely on interpretive dance to bring it to you. Communication without words! Host: Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers. Tonight: Analysis of the result of the Peruvian congressional elections, complete with high kicks.

5 P.M.  Ch. 14   MY SON THE INNER TUBE–Tragic sitcom

Nothing’s been the same for Kookie (Helen Hayes) and Mookie (Adlai Stevenson) since they begat their son, Pookie (Walter Slezak), a talking inner tube. Tonight, suddenly it’s so hard to keep Pookie properly inflated! Has he got a slow leak? Dr. Fanabla: Ward Bond.

5:16 P.M.  Ch. 88  NEWS WITH UNCLEAN BEN–A horrible mistake

We don’t even know what disease he supposedly has. He just keeps shouting “Unclean! Unclean!” Boris Spassky called this “absolutely the worst thing that was ever on television–worse even than Soviet TV!” News reports here are hopelessly fragmentary, punctuated as they are by Ben’s hysterical threats against his audience. “I’ll get you! I’ll get you all!” etc., etc.

6 P.M.  Ch. 46  THE MIDNIGHT MOVIE–Movie (what else?)

In “The Bowery Boys and the Ides of March” (Tannu Tuvan, 1956), Leo Gorcey and Huntz Hall make a stir in Ancient Rome when they are mistakenly assassinated instead of Julius Caesar, the intended target. Brutus: Orville Redenbacher. Cassius: Chiang Kai-shek. Featuring Harold Stassen and his Orchestra.

Well, there you have it! Better pack it up for you before the computer packs it in.

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This is Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, April 16

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide – Saturday, March 24, 1979 – Retro Hound

G’day! I’m  busier than a one-armed paper-hanger this morning! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of fabulous TV from Quokka University. And we had a close call bringing this to you, too! The networks almost got us.

Here are just a few samples from our scrumptious TV menu.

3:00 P.M.  Ch. 11   CHILDREN OF LUST–Damnfool soap opera

Petunia (Queen Elizabeth II) has an affair with the parking lot valet (Misterogers), while Mayor McGlue (Paul Anka) gives in to his morbid fascination with Boise, Idaho. Judge Judy: Tina Louise. Terrifyingly tall woman: Linda Hunt.

Ch. 33  THE BLIND, FEEBLE, CHICKEN-HEARTED SWORDSMAN–Action/Adventure

Need help? Don’t go to Hashimoto-san (William Shatner)! A young widow in desperate straits (Heather Locklear) seeks Hashimoto’s protection against a sadistic, powerful nobleman (Barry Manilow)… and the blind samurai can’t remember where he left his sword. With Inigo Montoya and his orchestra.

3:20 P.M.  Ch. 23  TALK OF THE TOWN–Interviews

Jimmy Fraud interviews a man whose cousin once met someone on a bus who’d seen a man who looked just like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family at a terminal somewhere in either Kentucky or Nevada, whatever. Also: Mrs. Fimbo demonstrates how to make a mess of your kitchen. Theme song: “I Busted My Coccyx”

4 P.M.  Ch. 16   MOVIE–Science Fiction

In “Tumbleweeds from Rigel IV” (Indian-Albanian, 2008), the June Taylor Dancers investigate reports of carnivorous tumbleweeds depopulating a sleepy little Western town that hasn’t changed since 1898 and still has cowboys and stuff. Special effects by idiots make it scary! Sheriff Hansen: Chiang Kai-shek. Sinister Space Alien: Himself (they found a real one!)

Ch. 48  TIO BORRACHO–Sitcom/Tragedy

You don’t have to understand Spanish to understand this one-of-a-kind Panamanian TV series. No one else understands it, either–including the actors and the writers. This week: Tio Borracho (Andy Devine) stumbles into a plate glass window and destroys it; and his ex-wife Matilda (Alice Faye) scolds him relentlessly in French–a language which he does not speak. Special guest star: H.P. Lovecraft

Well! If that doesn’t whet your TV appetite, I don’t know what will.

988 Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Byron the Quokka, signing off–and sharing a tasty root with my little cousin Ptolemy.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, April 9

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide Dec 3-9 1977 (4) - Flashbak

G’day, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of scrumptious TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University, where even a kangaroo can get a college degree. I hope you’ve got plenty of nice chewy leaves put by… for this:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 52  COLLIDGE BOLE–Game show for nincompoops

They couldn’t find any smart kids to remake the original “College Bowl,” so this will have to do. Host Jimmy Fraud asks teams of today’s college students questions that they have no hope of answering (“Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?” “Uh… Jupiter?”). First team to cry The Secret Buzzword (racism, sexism, white privilege: chosen at random each week) wins a master’s degree! With Yuan Shih-k’ai and his orchestra.

Ch. 61  HARRY PHOSPHATE–Mystery

The real mystery here is how this show ever got canceled! Detective Harry Phosphate (Oswald Spengler), assisted by the June Taylor Dancers, never fails to get bogged down in conversations about how he got such a weird last name. Half the time he forgets what he’s supposed to be investigating before the show is half over. This week: Harry fails to investigate the shooting of a police sergeant at his desk in the squad room in front of 30 eyewitnesses. Special guest star: Abdul Al-hazred.

7:38 P.M.  Ch. 09  THE NEWS IN TONGUES–(Don’t ask)

How about if the nightly news were delivered in tongues? Former televangelist Mooshy Beef joins co-anchor Betty Woont in paroxysms of meaningless babble. Note: The “tongues” are not real languages. On the plus side, all the commercials are in tongues, too.

8 P.M.  Ch. 19   MOVIE–Spy thriller with horseshoes

In “The Spy Who Never Spoke” (Austro-Hungarian, 1987), Marcel Marceau plays an Olympic skeet-shooting champion who, just after taking a vow of silence, witnesses an act of diabolical sabotage perpetrated by–wait for it–Bugs Bunny. How does Marceau keep the Reykjavik Exciting Products Super Mall from being blown up… when he’s never learned how to write? Lt. Sigfusson: Peter Lawford. Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies: Irene Ryan.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 44  ROOTIN’ TOOTIN’ SHOOTIN’–Western drama

What would classical Greek tragedies look like, if they were adapted as American TV Westerns? Watch out when Sheriff Oedipus Rex (Burgess Meredith) starts shooting–no one knows where those bullets might be headed! Better duck into Antigone’s Saloon. “The Trojan Women” dance there now. This week: The Minotaur is on the loose again–hiding out amid a herd of longhorns. Antigone: Phyllis Diller. Theseus: A trained koala named Ducky.

Well, there you have it–the merest sample of the unbridled pleasure that awaits you on QUTV this weekend. Go for it! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Quokka Facts | Mental Floss

Byron’s TV Listings, March 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1958

G’day! Crikey, it’s already the last weekend in March. I don’t know how you humans do it, using up the days. But here at Quokka University, represented by me, Byron the Quokka, we’ve got the TV shows to help you do it. Here’s a sample.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 03  MILD, MILD WEST–Incredibly slow-paced Western

Sheriff Tom Tubule (Bela Lugosi), trying to find something, anything, to do in a town that has no crime, arrests Big John (Baba the Giant) for cheating at tic-tac-toe: but now Miss Scarlett (Bertha Morris Parker) won’t let him into the saloon. Sickening Joe: himself (couldn’t find any actor who wanted to play him).

Ch. 08  SCHOOL BOARD TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP–Wrestling

Live from Francisco Franco High School! Board President Humphrey Dumphrey and Secretary Mary “The Beast” Fugu (Saginaw, Michigan) vs. Treasurer Fat-Boy Schlapock and Hermione Gasket (Voodooville, Indiana), to three falls or curfew. Announcer: Scottish guy with speech impediment. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET–Game show

One of these guests has done something so shameful, so disgusting, so absurd, that it can only be described in Latin–but which guest is it? Join host Jimmy Fraud and celebrity panelists Christine Keeler, Chiang Kai-shek, Susan Sontag, and PeeWee Herman as they try to find out whom! With Fritzie the Crabby Octopus.

Ch. 43  MOVIE–Tear-jerking tragical melodrama

In “The Milk Truck Doesn’t Stop on My Front Lawn Anymore” (Greco-Persian, 1968), glamorous housewife Shirley Turley (Miriam Webster) has an affair with milkman Frank McCoccyx (James Arness)–until they both come down with incurable lycanthropy. Dr. Gesundheit: Sandy Becker. Uncooperative Victim: Cindy Indy from Rawalpindi.

8:14 P.M.  Ch. 65   NEWS WITH JIMMY FRAUD–News & Commentary

The most hopelessly credulous talk host on the planet interviews some of the world’s clumsiest liars, believing every word of it! TV critic Oscar Boomschmitt: “This is the show that makes you feel like a genius!” Tonight’s guest claims to have discovered a pacifistic Stone Age tribe in Sayreville, New Jersey, untouched by 2,000 years of progress all around them. Believe it if you can! Featured: Swan Lake danced by lumberjacks.

Well, boys ‘n’ gulls, there you have it–a weekend’s televisual feast, as George Washington would call it. I admit to being a huuuuge fan of Mild, Mild West. You can actually watch this and play Clue at the same time.

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Byron the Quokka, signing off–happy viewing!

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV May 1st through 7th, 1971

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and why watch the Stupor Bowl, when Quokka University has combed the secret corners of the earth to bring you the very best in television entertainment? Like these:

7:42 P.M.  Ch. 88   DANCE THE NEWS!–(Defies Analysis)

The day’s top news stories told in interpretive dance by the June Taylor Dancers! Host: Ayatollah Gabollah Shebang. Featuring some guy with a clear plastic bag over his head.

7:45 P.M.  Ch. 13   INSECT TREATS–Haut Cuisine

Well, the United Nations says we should all eat bugs, To Save The :Planet; and no one’s better at catching and eating creepy-crawlies than former mental patient Ike Renfield. Moths, beetles, leaf-hoppers, flies, spiders–if they’re on his rosebushes today, Ike’s eating them! Voice-overs: Marcel Marceau.

8:00 P.M.  Ch. 07   THE DISGUSTING RANCH–Western, Sci-Fi

Why do all the cattle raised on Mrs. Soggit’s (Molly Ringwald) land have three eyes, extra legs, horrible violent tempers, and smell funny? That meteorite that crashed into Mensa Mesa last year didn’t help! What otherworldly peril threatens the prairie? Professor Corbaccio: Burgess Meredith  A Seductress from Ypsilanti: Bette Davis.

Ch. 29   WHO’S GOT THE GOUT?–Game Show

If you’ve ever had gout, you know how exquisitely painful it is when someone accidentally bumps into your ankle or drops an encyclopedia on your knee. But how well can you hide your pain? Join hosts Chiang Kai-shek and Kathy Lee Crosby as they perform clumsy card tricks for gout patients who keep trying to escape. Featuring George “The Animal” Steele and his orchestra.

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 47   MOVIE–Medieval Romance

What happens when two knights (Alan Alda, Hulk Hogan) love the same woman–and they’re both idiots? “Lady Eleanor’s Breezy Boudoir” (Scottish-Tunisian, 1968) features Moe Howard in his only dramatic role as the tragic King Fritzenheimer and Ellen Mellen as ungainly Princess Haakenpantz. Music by Harvey’s Trained Crickets.

So there you go–who wants to watch the Stupor Bowl, anyway? TV shows like this increase your IQ! (It’s been proved by Science!)

Quokka Facts | Quokkas | Australian Marsupials

And this is Byron the Quokka, signing off…