Crocodile Dundee – Lee Duigon

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My wife was to have an additional mammogram or something this afternoon, and I was set to go to Keyport to get us some nice seafood. She got me to take her to the hospital. “We have lots of time,” she said. “What they want to do only takes a few minutes.”

Ninety minutes later… Well, at least they didn’t find anything wrong with her. I was wondering just what was going on back there. Finally I went to the desk and asked if my wife had been carted off or something–at which point she magically appeared.

In the interval, the guy I was talking to fell asleep and I resorted to the magazines. Entertainment Something-or-Other. I can’t even guess who would find any of this stuff entertaining.

On the TV, a lot of rather obese people were going wild over a couple of celebrities I never heard of. The celebrities looked like they would’ve been more at home on some of those posters you see in the post office. One of them had a very small and kind of pointy head.

I got an idea for a really dumb movie. Crocodile Dundee Goes to Australia. Surprisingly, it wasn’t being hyped in this misbegotten magazine. For those too young to know about Crocodile Dundee movies, Mr. Dundee lived in Australia so he wouldn’t need to go there.

Anyway, that’s how come I didn’t blog this afternoon…

A top national broadcaster in Finland–please don’t ask me to pronounce or spell his name–has recommended that women use… well, magic! to protect themselves from rape ( http://www.infowars.com/bizarre-video-teaches-finnish-women-to-use-the-force-to-defend-against-rapists/ ).

It has been suggested that the guy was only joking. Well, if it was a gag, considering the rape epidemic unleashed on Europe by its loony leaders and their mass importation of lawless Muslims, it was in very poor taste.

So… if you think some low-life means to rape you, all you gotta do is hold up your empty hand, Star Wars-style, and push him back without touching him. I’ve seen this in kung-fu movies, too, and it always works. But if, in the unlikely event that it doesn’t work on the back streets of Helsinki, then you must do it with two hands. And if that don’t work, clout him with your purse.

It has to be something like that because Finland, like most European countries, allows no meaningful methods of self-defense. You can’t have a gun, pepper spray, or a nice Crocodile Dundee knife. Makes it easy pickin’s for the criminals.

After you successfully beat down a rapist using nothing but The Force, proceed immediately to your nearest Star Wars church and give thanks to Obi-Wan or whatever.

Do they understand, anymore, that Star Wars is a movie? Not real? Something they made up in Hollywood? Do they even understand that anymore?

You tell me.