Tag: general silliness

Byron’s TV Listings, July 13

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TV Guide Dec 4-10 1976 (3) - Flashbak

Kowabunga, boys ‘n’ girls! Ready for Quokka University Weekend TV? Well, ready or not, here it is! And I’m your host, Byron the Quokka.

7:14 P.M.   Ch. 56   THE WORLD OF WAYNE NEWTON–Horror

Remember Wayne Newton? Well, this is that show about him being a werewolf. And they never caught him, either. Enjoy expert commentary by Joe Pyne, Ariel Durant, and some guy who thinks he’s Ramses II. Brought to you by “The Shoes With Sole”!

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 31  WHO’S THE BIG BOY?–Game show

Join host Roscoe Conklin9 and his celebrity panel (Goldie Hawn, Franz Kafka, and Miss Marple) as they try to find out which political contestant is “The Big Boy.” Intelligible speech and clean undies are a plus! Winner gets to say he’s Joe Biden and everyone has to agree with him.

Ch. 62   MOVIE–Sort of a detective movie, but without a crime

Lu Pu-shou stars as Ian MacTavish in I Lives Face-Down, Me Lads. Can MacTavish continue to solve crimes after people stop committing them? And don’t miss the famous scene with the uncooperative newts. Judge Wing Wong: Shamus O’Flynn. Miss Daisy: a 1938 Packard. Blackbeard the Priate: the guy from Daktari.

8 P.M.   Ch. 14   BASEBALL: NEW YORK SAVAGES VS. PISCATAWAY, N.J., SHRINKING VIOLETS–Live sports

Somehow the Savages never beat the Shrinking Violets, even though it takes at least 15 minutes of encouragement and comfort to get a Violets’ batter out of the dugout and into the batter’s box. “Heads will roll” if they don’t win this time, snarls Savages Manager Zorba the Geek. None of the Shrinking Violets gave an interview.

Well, that’s that, everybody! As you can see, I’m rushing home to catch that Wayne Newton show. We quokkas laugh ourselves silly when we see it.

A happy quokka running in front of a large explosion ...

See yiz next week! Byron the Quokka, signing off

 

Byron’s TV Listings, July 6

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV listings 9 May 1987 - Newspapers.com™

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with glorious TV from Quokka University–just what you need to recover from all that Fourth of July excitement. This will save your weekend!

3:30 P.M.   Ch. 43   THE PRICE IS WRONG–Game show

Guess the price right, and it’s yours! Guess wrong, and it’s total humiliation in front of countless viewers! Host: A Mycenaean king. Chattering Nincompoop: We can’t give you her name, but you’ll know her when you see her.

3:32 P.M.  Ch. 12   BOWL WITH THE CRYBABIES–Sports psychology

What’s wrong with these people? Well, that’s just the question that Dr. Fobick and his celebrity panel try to answer. Bowling brings out all their personality quirks! And you can send for Dr. Fobick’s Home Bowling Kit to find out how far off the highway you are.

4 P.M.   Ch. 106  MOVIE–A bit of something for everyone!

Ozzie & Harriet star in What the Divot! (American-Sudanese, 1957, 14 minutes), the movie that examined the life of artist Rembrandt Peale and concluded, conclusiively, that he was indeed the man he said he was! Special interview with some guy on the sidewalk who never heard of him and keeps trying to get away.

Ch. 24  WORLD CHAMPION HEAD-BUTTING–Sports

Live from the Greenland Ice Cap, the 88th annual World Hard-Head Championship: hosted by Carl LaFong (Capital L, small a, Capital F, small o…), with the June Taylor Dancers freezing their long leggies off! Contestants include flaming idiots from all over the world–and banned everywhere else! Winner gets two aspirin.

Well, folks, that’s just a sample of the indescribable bliss that’s waiting for you here.

Meet the Quokka

As you can see, I’m all keyed up for this! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

A Tragicomedy Waiting to Happen

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Jen Mignard, founder of the "Yellowstone National Park: Invasion of the Idiots" Facebook page couldn't believe it when she saw this canoe strapped sideways on top of a Subaru.

If there ever was a sign of these our times, this canoe tried cross-wise atop a car is it.

Cowboystatedaily.com posted this picture. I wouldn’t have thought anybody living west of the Appalachians would’ve perpetrated a howler like this.

Uh, dude… How fast do you think you can go before wind resistance blows your canoe to kingdom come?

(Holy cow! He’s about to take this potential calamity onto the highway–?)

Granted, it’s not the easiest thing in the world, to tie a canoe to the roof of your car. But it’s not rocket science, either.

I dunno. Maybe it’s an oracle. Maybe we’d better do some soul-searching.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, June 22

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

52 TV GUIDE COVERS: 1991 ideas | tv guide, tv, classic tv

G’day, buoys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of glorious TV, courtesy of Quokka University. We hunt down the programs that none of the other networks dare to show! Like these, for instance.

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 42  DRACULA WANNABES–Interviews

At last! Genuine, dyed-in-the-wool idiots who want to be vampires–or who think they are already. Dan Rather, choking back the sobs, interviews them while inwardly lamenting that his career should have ever come to this. Assistant host Stombo the Clown reminds him, “All your fault, Danny Boy!”

6:52 P.M.   Ch. 16  FOOTBALL FOR SLOW FAT GUYS–Sports (sort of)

The St. Louis Tons Of Fun take on the Tahiti Whales in the climactic game of the World Fat Football League’s first season. Tons Of Fun linebacker Happy Hooper has sworn to “massacre” Whales’ quarterback Yupu “The Glacier” Upuna, if he can catch him. (This would be the first time a massacre had only one victim.)

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   EAT WHAT CELEBRITIES WON’T!–Cooking show

Bill Gates wants to sell you maggot milk, but don’t hold your breath waiting for him to drink it himself. This week: Climate Czar John Effing Kerry pushes Sidewalk Sweepings–“They may taste bad, but I’m sure you can afford them! Save the planet: eat dirt!” Host: Some guy who won’t give his name.

Ch. 61   MOVIE–(Not what you’d expect from sane people!)

In Big Scary Space Aliens with Iconic Ray-Guns (Etruscan, 2022), Yi-Wan Fong stars as a Ming Dynasty potato enthusiast who makes a disturbing discovery! This was special effects director Hobie Landrith’s first and last movie. Be ready to spot a former Speaker of the House face-down in a bird bath.

Well, do these examples ignite your imagination, or not? (If not, please remember it’s Lee’s fault, not mine.)

The quokka is the happiest animal on Earth! : r/pics

Wait’ll you see what happens when I squeeze my cheeks! Byron the Quokka, signing off!

The Sorcerer Strikes Back (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

“We are coming down the home stretch!” ululates Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, as she introduces Chapter DCCXXX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “All I have to do is tie up fifty or sixty loose ends, and it’s a wrap!”

She confides in her legion of readers, “You will remember that the old medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney, cast a time-travel spell to bring himself up to the 19th century. At least, you should remember! It’s not something that happens every day.

“Alas! He bungled the spell and came back as a large stick insect–without vocal chords, so he can’t recite a spell that would restore him to human form. Suffice it to say he’s now crawling around Scurveyshire in search of edible leaves.”

Meanwhile, Lady Margo Cargo has mistakenly married her butler, Crusty, thinking him to be Lord Jeremy Coldsore. Crusty was paying no attention at the time, so it was a jolt to him to learn about those nuptials. Lord Jeremy is not amused.

“I’ve a good mind to ask you to shoot that interloper!” he remarks to his friend, the American adventurer Willis Twombley, who thinks he is Sargon of Akkad. Twombley takes it seriously and shoots Crusty in the foot. Now Crusty can’t serve the wine without stumbling and spilling it in Lady Margo’s lap.

“And here we will leave it for the time being,” concludes Ms. Crepuscular. “It’s how we suspense writers crank up the suspense!”

Silly me: I thought they called it “dawdling.”

Byron’s TV Listings, June 8

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Thursday, September 7, 1967.... - Vintage Seattle TV ...

Holy moly, it’s already June 8. Soon we’ll be unpacking Christmas lights!

G’day, all–Byron the Quokka here, courtesy of Quokka University, with another weekend of TV that’ll make you think you’re already in Heaven… or somewhere else. Here’s a few of the selections.

12:42 P.M.  Ch. 09   MOVIE–“Andy Hardy” Knockoff

In “Bat-Boy vs. Andy Hardy” (Syro-Phoenician, 1955: 708 minutes) we have the film that touched off the lawsuit that sank Polecat Studios. They couldn’t get Mickey Rooney, so they settled for a relative unknown, Yi Feng Wao, and hoped for the best. See if you can guess why Polecat CEO Boris Tudeth drowned himself! Judge Hardy: “Nature Boy” Buddy Rodgers.

1 P.M.   Ch. 14  ROLLER DERBY: THUGS VS. INOFFENSIVE DULLARDS

Live from Kobooski Arena in Eczema, New Jersey: the Thugs bring unrestrained violence, the Dullards, academic tedium. And announcer Chip Peedle brings commentary in six different languages, none of which is English! Brought to you by Mealworm Emporium Inc.

Ch.  34   AIRWAY PATROL–True-life police drama

What happens when an entire State Police detachment is afflicted with uncontrollable giggling? Tune in and see for yourself! Today: Lt. Pitchley (Willie Mosconi) giggles himself into a full-blown Internal Affairs investigation run by a self-professed “witch” (Susan Sonntag). Special guest stars: The June Taylor Dancers (they’re all guilty).

1:30 P.M.   ENSIGN BUNDLECLUTCH–U.S. Navy sitcom

Ensign Jimmy Bundleclutch (Rory Calhoun) plays an idealistic young officer who leads a mutiny aboard the USS Punchy and embarks on a career of piracy on the high seas. Commander Snoad (Unidentified: always wears a mask) has vowed to catch him “and hang him where the sun don’t shine!” This week: the Navy demands Snoad stop saying that.

Well, folks, that’s that. You’re crazy if you watch anything else.

1,400+ Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images ...

Make sure you pick plenty of nice green leaves for snacks! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 1

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

ORIGINAL Vintage February 10 1989 TV Guide No Label Valentine Maury Povich | Comic Books - Modern Age / HipComic

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of TV that’ll add spice to your life. Yeah, I know we’re late. It’s all Lee’s fault. Well, here are a few samples.

5:15 P.M.   Ch. 56   THE REAL McCROCKS–Drama, comedy, etc.

What happens when a tribe of imbeciles tries to move from east West Virginia to Maryland and winds up in California? They all get jobs in the state’s government! Tonight: They mistakenly lock the governor in a little-used broom closet. Grandpappy: Howard K. Smith. Grandmammy: Ginger Allan Poe.

6 P.M.   Ch. 18   COLLIDGE BOLE!–Quiz show 

Who’s the least incapable student on campus? The least ineffectual professor? Host Joe Collidge has the questions! “What time is it?” “Who’s a pretty boy?” “What did I just say?” The contestants had better have the answers! (Note: Joe does not have the answers–no point asking him.)  Sponsored by Eh? Ear Wax Removal.

Ch. 42  TAME YOUR PET KOMODO DRAGON!–Pet care

Donny “Stumpy” Redfish continues his efforts to train his pet Komodo dragon, Sparky. “Still got one whole hand and two fingers on t’other!” he exults. “We’re definitely making progress!” But can the world’s largest living lizard learn how to walk on a leash through a crowded picnic ground?

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 06  TARZAN OF THE SLOTHS–Adventure

What would Tarzan have been like, had he been raised by sloths instead of apes? Former NFL reject Shrimpy Watson hangs upside-down from trees all day–when he’s not having very slow adventures! Tonight: the sloths ignore a lost city.

Ch. 16  BROKEN ARROW–Rip-off of classic 1950s Western

They did steal the title, but everything else is original! Series premiere: The last arrow in Bear Butt’s quiver really is broken… and what what happens when he tries, over and over again, to fix it! This is the role that made Gerald Hashimoto famous. Well, sort of famous. Oh, all right–only a tiny bit famous.

Well, folks, does Quokka University deliver quality TV or what?

Natalie on X: "this is a quokka (not to be confused with ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off (I never miss Broken Arrow! They’ll never get that arrow fixed, will they?)

Byron’s TV Listings, May 25

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 2 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here–and have I got weekend TV for you! Here, take a peek.

6:18 P.M.   Ch. 08   ROD AND REEL FOR REAL!–Fishing tips from compulsive liars

Tired of fishing all day and catching nothing? Let host Matty Munchausen and his team of liars help you out! Remember, you can always buy a fish and say you caught it. This week: “I caught a swordfish in Tommy’s Pond!”

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 16  McKENZIE’S CHICKENS–Rip-roaring Western

Marshal McKenzie (Arlen Specter) is hampered by deputies who faint as soon as he needs them. This week: How to keep order when the Serial Killers Convention comes to town? This time, the marshal will rely on angry hornets. Prof. Bumble: Trent Lott. (Other retired U.S. Senators brought in as needed.)

7 P.M.   Ch. 46   NAKED NEWS–R-rated  nonsense

We’re airing this only because we don’t believe nudism is a viable option for serious journalistic endeavor. We urge you not to watch it. Anchors: Shabby Hayes, Helen Mellon. (Good grief, I can’t look!) Sports: This guy who looks like his mother got him with Green Stamps.

7:06 P.M.  Ch. 28  MOVIE–Lecture in someone’s living room

Why did the Mycenaean civilization never develop skis? Which Egyptian pharaoh got on everybody’s nerves? These questions and more will be answered in Fan My Brow, and I Mean Now (Croatoan, 1938: 687 minutes). Lecturer: Dr. Thteven Thmith. Background dancing: The June Taylor Dancers. Bonus: The Neolithic Yo-yo Craze.

These’ll really get you started, unless I miss my guess! And I keep wondering how they fit all the June Taylor Dancers into that guy’s living room.

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

“Let me in! It’s time for McKenzie’s Chickens!

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Violet Crepuscular: A Living Legend

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

We are  coming up on the climax of Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance–over 700 chapters so far–and it seems the conclusion of the saga cannot be more than a few light-years away.

How will the story be wrapped up? Lord Jeremy Coldsore marries Lady Margo Cargo, and their first child looks suspiciously like a chicken… The Royal Millipede Inspector is rescued from the Picts… Small, creepy dinosaurs infest Coldsore Hall… Man, how will the epic romance end?

Ms. Crepuscular has achieved a literary monsterpiece. She has already been nominated for the Beef-Boy Kollowski Award. (The person who nominated her has since gone into hiding.) She has appeared as a guest in Mr. Pitfall’s back yard. Fame is just around the corner!

Ms Crepuscular admits that regardless of how or where or when she finishes her novel, there are bound to be loose ends left hanging. “This is how you achieve realism!” she pulusticates. “Holy moly, the loose ends left in my own life–you could paper the walls with them. I’m still trying to find out whether I ever graduated high school!”

With honors, we’ll bet.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 11

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

From the Pages of TV Guide

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of TV that’ll restore your sanity and make you lucky at cards. At least that’s what they tell me.

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 60   BUZZWORD!–Incredibly annoying game show

Is it “iconic”? Were you “assigned the male gender at birth”? Were you ever a “pregnant person”? Join host Jimmy Fraud as celebrity guests try to outdo each other at spouting buzzwords. There can only be one winner! The others get tossed into the shark tank–always the favorite part of the show.

6:32 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Horror, suspense, terror, etc.

In Night of the Dachshund (Serbo-Colchian, 1732: 14 minutes), retired mouthwash taster Roy LeBoy (Eddie Albert), bitten by he knew not what, turns into a ravening, savage dachshund whenever there’s a full moon. Mrs. Tweedle: Adrienne Barbeau. Tongue-tied man with pince-nez glasses: Arnold Stang.

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   ALEXANDER THE NOT-SO-GREAT–Sitcom

His dream is to conquer Asia–if he can find it on a map. This Alexander, played by this guy we found in Shipping & Receiving, doesn’t like being King of Kaput; he wants to be King of Somewhere Else. General Fung: Jayne Payne. Queen Poprock: Alice Ghastly. Assorted soldiers et al: The June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 34   NEWS FOR NINNIES–News you won’t see anywhere else

Reporters Angus Kabong and Sarah Bosh investigate unused picnic tables. Sports: Is pro wrestling really fixed? Really? Science news: Why does the ball in a Fly-Back always come back to the paddle? Anchors: Jeremy Skrinch, Sue Persimmins.

Well, folks, if those shows don’t do it for you, I don’t know what will.

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

Now all I have to do is get in somehow. Where did they put the door?