Tag: general silliness

A Joke, for a Change

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As we head into the weekend, nooze fatigue sets in and one longs for a break.

So here’s a joke I heard today.

A cop pulls over a driver and notices that there are a lot of razor-sharp knives in the back seat. “What are those for?” he demands.

“Oh, I juggle those. I’m a juggler. Here, I’ll show you, officer.”

The driver gets out of the car and juggles half a dozen knives as the cop watches.

Two passers-by come along, walking on the opposite shoulder of the road. They stop to watch the unusual performance.

“Gee, I’m glad I gave up drinking!” says the one to the other. “Those sobriety tests are getting awful hard!”

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 31

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Northern Michigan edition of TV Guide from September 22 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! It’s the end of August and I’m Byron the Quokka, bringing you THE BEST TV you ever saw, courtesy of Quokka University. Here’s a sample:

2:32 P.M.  Ch. 8   MOVIE OF THE WEAK–(Produced by Monkeys)

Chook-a-Chooky-Choo (Burmese, 2016: 349 minutes) was, and still is, the first feature film ever produced entirely by monkeys! “Now I can die!” said reviewer Oswald Fungus (but he didn’t). Honest, you won’t believe this script! Starring some 100 monkeys of all kinds. No human input whatsoever!

2:45 P.M.  Ch. 14   STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH BY THIS GUY WHO THINKS HE’S PRESIDENT–Self-Explanatory

T. Calpurnius Posthole’s annual State of the Union message typically draws more viewership than any other non-president’s State of the Union speech. We could televise these all day and not run out of them! Today’s speech is expected to call for the expulsion of fictional characters as candidates for public office. Moderator: Gumby

3:00 P.M.  Ch. 26   MANSTER!–Half-sitcom, half-melodrama

A two-headed carnivorous monster, who was once a famous TV news reporter, tries to settle down anonymously in the quaint suburban town of Hoy-Hoy, New Jersey–where shoplifting is legal. Junior Kefoozle and LeRoy Shimp star as the Manster, the two of them squeezed into one costume. Mrs. Mbumba: Julie Christy. Neighborhood Scamp: Lorne Greene.

Ch. 41   SIDEWAYS NEWS WITH LARRY ZYBYSKO–News, of course: why else would they call it ‘News’?

Pro wrestling legend Larry Zybysko delivers today’s headline news while reclining sideways on his desk. He is renowned for his difficulty in reading the teleprompter! Weather: Gloria Gorgo (from under the desk). Sports: Blackbeard the Pirate (don’t ask!).

Well, that oughta be enough to get you started!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 24

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TV Guide August 16, 1981 Los Angeles... - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of boredom-busting TV brought to you by Quokka University! Here are just a few samples.

4:15 P.M.  Ch. 11   MR. & MRS. GIDGET–Sitcom/Jacobean drama

You can’t focus on surfboards and bikinis all your life! Who’d know that better than Gidget (Maggie Smith), now a librarian who gets around on a cane. This week: Gidget gets caught smoking! Mr. Bilharzia: Jonathan Harris. Tillie Tattletale: Adrienne Barbeau.

4:30 P.M.   Ch. 14  PERRY MAYSIN–Courtroom drama

In “The Case of the Cackling Candidate,” Perry (Doc Savage) defends a gibbon accused of plotting to steal the Constitution. White Hunter: Betty White. Special guest star: Fong Hsueh-ting as President Xi Jin-Ping. Joe-Bob: Sidney Toler.

Ch. 52   FIFTEEN HOURS’ WORTH OF NEWS IN FIFTEEN SECONDS!–Extremely fast news broadcast

Don’t look out the window, don’t count your change–you really do have only 15 seconds to catch the whole day’s news! They speed up the sound track like you wouldn’t believe, so you’ll have to learn to listen faster. Believe it, they cut no corners! Sports: Tongue-tied Freddie Blasiey.

5:00 P.M.  Ch. 19   MOVIE–Sports/horror

Simon LeGree stars as N.Y. Feebs sluggard Daryl Footfungus in Pardon My Coccyx (Mycenaean, 1325 B.C.: 11 minutes), the only movie in which the titles and credits take more time to show than the movie itself! Directed by the United Nations Movie Council! Featuring the June Taylor Dancers. The Ghost of William Tell: Walter Brennan.

Well, folks, there’s four movies to get you started. Don’t miss that one about the coccyx!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off (Mmm! Tasty leaves!)

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 17

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TV Guide July 5, 1986 San Francisco... - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with a weekend of glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University. We could only dig up four headliners this week, but take it from me, they’re all gems! Here they are:

4:44 P.M., Ch. 16   PUSHERS!–Totally puerile comedy

It’s not what you think! No–the PUSH Squad pushes fishermen off their municipal fishing piers–into the drink they go! Don’t worry–nobody has actually drowned, and there’ve been no injuries that the local hospital can’t handle. This week: Can the Squad make tracks before the police get there?

5:00 P.M., Ch. 22  CHILLY ACRES–Fabulous sitcom

Welcome to Chilly Acres, Greenland’s one and only nudist colony! This week: Inuit tribesmen protest the expansion of the colony, but no one cares because they’re all too busy trying to get warm. It is not known why any of them ever joined up in the first place.

Ch. 30, SUBURBAN SAFARI–Guaranteed to make you sleep

Join Great White Hunter Jim Phosphate as he leads paying guests on another fruitless “suburban safari,” this time in Edison Township, NJ. Lion, elephant, gazelle–you name it, they’ll never see it. Special guest: Shirley Moulder, looking to bag her first starling.

5:06 P.M., Ch. 41   THE BAT FAMILY–Existentialist sitcom

John and Jenny Pantagruel (Forrest Tucker, Sandy Duncan) like to sleep hanging from the ceiling by their feet–which causes problems in school for the twins, Jasper and Casper. They also make odd noises in the supermarket. This week: the twins start digging their escape tunnel. Can the collected essays of Jean-Paul Sartre stop them?

How about it–are you pumped for these shows? Because there’s more where they came from.

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I think this chewy leaf will go very well with this week’s episode of  Suburban Safari!

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 10

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The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 2 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s TV listings from Quokka University, Down Under. These amazing TV shows have been rescued from Obscurity! (You should see the ones we didn’t rescue.) Here’s a brief sample.

7:00 P.M.   Ch. 14   JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS; THE JURY–Live courtroom drama

Forget the jury box! These high-kickin’ ladies need more space than that! This is TV’s one and only musical courtroom show. Bailiff: Kukla (from Kukla, Fran, and Ollie). Judge: a man with exceptionally large buttocks.

Ch. 23   I MARRIED A TOAD–Sitcom

Dando Smurphy stars as Jim-Bob Kanoo, the man who married a toad (voice of Linda Cthulhu). This week: “We’re gonna have a baby!” Dr. Gesundheit (Gary Merrill) doesn’t think so; but the guy at the Reptile House (the Porcque Brothers) makes ready for the big event. Song: “I Married a Toad,” by Huntz Hall.

7:04   Ch. 09   I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET–Game show

Which celebrity guest has the most shameful secret–the one that will destroy his or her career? Produced by the Third Eye Detective Agency. This week’s celebrity panel: Chuck Connors, Sally Field, Chiang Kai-shek, Debbie Reynolds. One of them is guilty!

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 45  THEY STOLE THE FREAKIN’ SPHINX–True crime

You’d think it’d be impossible to steal the Great Sphinx, but this gang of Jamaican art thieves gave it a go. If you overlook the fact that they were all arrested within minutes of putting their plan into operation… you can overlook anything. Narrator: Sayeed Jaffrey. Sphinx replica by Mrs. Dooly’s 2nd-grade class.

Well, folks, there you have it. These are the kind of TV shows that make you feel like you’re living longer than you really are.

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Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 3

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV - October 28th through November 3rd, 1978

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s fabulous TV, brought to you by Quokka University. Are you ready to be entertained? Enlightened? Enriched? Well, here we go!

6:05 a.m.   Ch. 27  JIMBY & ZOOZIE–Sitcom (if you want to call it that)

What would life be like if your imaginary friend thought you were his imaginary friend? Confusing, isn’t it? Jimby: Buddy Ebsen. Zoozie: Linda Hunt. Third Party who thinks they’re all imaginary: Steve Reeves. This week: Zoozie finds Jimby’s lost shoelaces… Are they real?

6:30 p.m.   Ch. 14  I.Q., MY Q.!–Incomprehensible game show

Join host Mogo the Monkey as he shows off his new prehensile tail! It’s even more fun when he tries to get any one of the contestants to define “prehensile,” let alone spell it. This week’s guest panel: Debating team from Porkbarrel High School, Seatopia, NJ.

Ch. 19   WIDE WORLD OF STUPID–Olympics that’s always on

Teams from Paraguay and Moldova are still locked in a draw, arguing whether a person who identifies as a French poodle really is a French poodle and therefor eligible to compete in dog shows. Also, heavyweight boxing medalist Yugi Banugi goes up against a six-year-old girl. Commentary: This guy who refuses to give his name.

7 p.m.   Ch. 04   MOVIE–(A few locusts short of a swarm)

Dustin Hoffman stars as Hulk Hogan in Dog My Cats, I’ll Wrestle If I Want To! (Canadian-Klingon, 1976: 881 minutes), an independent film about the tao of professional wrestling. Gorilla Monsoon: Alan Ladd. The Fabulous Moolah: Joey Heatherton. Andre the Giant: Mickey Rooney. Plus lots of people you never heard of.

Well, my friends, how about that for a weekend’s wallow in high culture?

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Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, July 27

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Vintage TV GUIDE Magazine-JULY 20,1991-MICHAEL LANDON'S FINAL DAYS

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka, filling in for Lee. He needs his brain rinsed out.

But here! Wonderful, iconic TV from the iconic folks at Quokka University.

I’ve always wanted to use that word, “iconic.” I wonder what it means…

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 16  NEWS WITH KACKLIN’ KRISSIE–Sort of news

At last! A nightly news show in which everyone, on or off-camera, cackles uncontrollably while the news is being read! You can hardly make out what they’re saying; but as anchorman Hugh Bettcha says… “Neither can we!”

Ch. 25  WHEN THE BUGS BITE, BITE ‘EM BACK–Low cuisine

Mosquito sandwich cookies, anyone? Join Chef Julia Furface as she turns the tables on those pesky biting, stinging, annoying insects. Special guest food taster: Andy the Ant-Eater. Sponsored by New York Yankees Spiritual Gimmicks.

7:06 P.M.  MOVIE–Nature,with suburban angst

How long can a man-sized, talking click beetle grub (various members of the June Taylor Dancers) continue to serve on the Mothra Township Planning Board (Ethiopian/ Nepalese, 1976: 415 minutes)? Mayor McGillicuddy: Kenji Toshimori. Ping-pong player: Ellen Mellen. Filmed without light bulbs!

7:20 P.M.  Ch. 71  FRITZIE’S BOOZE HOUSE–Sitcom

The late Harrison Screwloose stars as homicidal bartender Judy Jumbo, in this series pioneered by Salvador Dali and the Hazlet Township N.J. Little League. This week: Judy’s arrested again, this time for assault with a frozen kielbasi. Judge Roy Bean: Rowan Atkinson.

Well, folks, that’s that! A whole weekend of blissful TV-watching. Ain’t you lucky!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off–and hurrying to my TV room!

 

Deadly Dancers! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

New life has been injected into your favorite historical romance! I wish we could say the same for Oy, Rodney.

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, addresses her readers. “I am about to reveal the reason for Mr. Pudding and his newts being in Scurveyshire. And as Constable Chumley would say, ‘Yare an’ baggidgy!'”

As an editor, I am almost embarrassed to mention this–this I dunno what. Well, here goes.

Mr. Pudding is in Scurveyshire hiding out from the June Taylor Dancers, who have been hired to “whack” him.  He is putting his trust in special magical powers which he believes Lady Margo Cargo to have. (“It’s news to me!” she corruscates.)

Lord Jeremy Coldsore went to see the June Taylor Dancers at the Coccyx Garden in Tibet. That’s how he is able to recognize them sneaking into the village, one by one, despite their clever disguises. “The one done up as The Easter Bunny threw me for a bit,” he confesses, “but then I remembered we’ve already had The Easter Bunny, so this one must be an interloper.”

(“Don’t forget Mr. Pudding’s newts!” Ms. Crepuscular counsels her readers. [I wonder how many there are.] “The June Taylor Dancers won’t get past them as easily as they think!”)

Byron’s TV Listings, July 20

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Holy moly, we’re two-thirds through July! Byron the Quokka here, with weekend TV brought to you by Quokka University. That other guy has physical therapy this moaning.

Here’s a sample of this weekend’s offerings.

4 P.M.   Ch. 16   GOLF WITH ARNOLD POLYMER–Sports, educational TV

AI Robot Arnold Polymer teaches the finer points of golf! This week: what if your balls are too big to go into the hole? Plastic Arnie has the solution! Sponsored by Acme Divots.

Ch. 46  FORCED MARRIAGES!–Indescribable; shameful

Join host Ernie Smee as men and women snatched off the street are forced to marry against their will. Honest, we don’t know how the network gets away with this! The lawsuits slide off ’em like water off a duck’s back. Commentary by Jim the Duck.

4:15 P.M.   Ch. 06   MOVIE–Delusional detective drama

Sir Banarjee Shree Ramdash stars as Pete Jones the Paranoid Detective (Swiss/Nepalese, 1996: 540 minutes). Every crime he investigates turns out to be a plot against him! This week: The Women’s Library Advisory Board is out to get Pete! Sinister woman: This chick who used to be in The Rockford Files, only she’s real old now. Chief Popoff: Zippy McWhortle (a Darren McGavin double).

5 P.M.   Ch. 33  NEWS WITH KATHY GESUNDHEIT–News, of course

Famous for anchorwoman Kathy’s gusts of uncontrollable cackling as she tries to read the news. Makes the broadcast take twice as long as it should! And then there’s sports anchor Fogey Robinson with his bouts of uncontrolled weeping. If any news actually makes it through the show, everyone will be surprised.

Well, that’s it, boys ‘n’ gulls!

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Gotta run to the store and get some snacks! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

‘At Home with the Quokkas’

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Here’s Feezy and me on our front porch.

What do quokkas do at home? Byron the Quokka addresses that for us, here.

At Home with the Quokkas

Certain persons, who are not to be named, have denounced me as a royalist–just because I mentioned the King of the Quokkas. They claim to be Protecting Our Democracy.

Actually, royalism isn’t that big in New Jersey. You’ll find a quokka before you find a royalist.