Tag Archives: humor

Kitten Oratory

What are these fuzzy little characters trying so hard to tell us?

I don’t know. My cat, Robbie, knows at least 50 different ways to say “Give me something to eat.” She and her sister, Peep, also excel at pulling wistful little faces. They’ve practiced this a lot over the years and have gotten really good at it.


If Your Bunny’s Mommy Is a Cat…

Cats are really good at being mothers, and pretty generous about it, too. If kittens, or a human baby, aren’t available, well–bunnies will do. Even a baby chick will do. Anything, as long as it’s nice and fuzzy and needs a mommy. One of these cats has her own kittens and still adopts–and nurses–a bunny. And somehow a dog nursing a kitten got in here, too. Plenty of love to go around.


Cats & Babies: The Epic

How do these cats know they have to be gentle with human babies, and make allowances for them? What is it about a cat that so delights a baby? Too bad we can’t ask either one of them. Well, we could, but what’s the point?


Learn How to Be an Air Traffic Controller in Just Ten Minutes!

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Babylonian scientists have invented a way for you to learn incredibly complex and difficult things in just a matter of minutes.

“If only we’d had this way back when, our civilization would still be here!” exclaimed project director Dr. Nebuchadnezzar McCoy, professor of Twiddling Studies at Humbaba University. “We could have had air traffic controllers and airline pilots before we had airplanes!”

The way it works is “simple,” he said. “We just slide a cassette into your head and it transfers the information directly to your brain–hardly takes any time at all. The only tricky part is making the slot in your skull in such a way that nothing falls out.”

Dr. McCoy credits student Sharezer Shubbalub with the original idea for the project, which he first tested on the fish in his mother’s aquarium. “Imagine his surprise,” said McCoy, “nay, his sheer astonishment, when suddenly he had a neon tetra who knew all about organic chemistry! I mean, it’s just like one of those computer whaddaya-callums–you know, you stick ’em into the computer somewhere and it like does something or other.”

But young Mr. Shubbalub is modest. “If I hadn’t figured this out, somebody else would’ve,” he said. “I’m just glad it wasn’t an Assyrian. This is the kind of achievement that could only belong to a Babylonian.”

“It could be the start of a complete comeback for our whole civilization,” added Dr. McCoy.


Critters vs. Laser Pointers

And you thought these were just for dogs and cats? Hah! Turns out everybody likes to chase those little lasers lights–in fact, this is probably the only way you can actually play and have fun with a spider. If you’re interested in something bigger, with fewer legs, we’ve got ducklings and penguins and a horse.


Bunnies & Dogs (and No One Gets Eaten)

I can easily imagine my mother’s horrified outburst at walking into the dining room and finding the rabbit and the dog on the table.

It’s extraordinary, though, that dogs and bunnies can play together without the bunny getting eaten. It’s because animals are smart enough to learn ways of life that owe nothing to their supposed “instincts”–if there even is such a thing, which I’m beginning to doubt. The only thing typical about animals is the ease with which they break out of typical.


The Return of Lady Margo (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Violet Crepuscular opens Chapter CCLXXIV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, with a Homeric flourish: “Just as rosy-fingered Dawn was parting the velvet curtains of the night, Lady Margo Cargo has arrived at the front door of her palatial country house. I have always wanted to use that particular Homeric touch. If only I could find a way to use ‘the wine-dark sea’!”

If you are wondering what became of the two intervening chapters, I cannot find them in my copy of the book. No pages have been torn out. It’s a mystery.

At the end of her strength, after having to hop on one foot all the way, and struggling out of the dreaded Scurveyshire Fens after escaping from the Plaguesby jail, Lady Margo finds she cannot stand up to open the door. She has to wait for two hours on the stoop before Crusty the crusty old butler opens the front door and finds her.

“You stupid old cow!” he cries. “Where have you been? We thought you were under the vicar’s backyard wading pool. What a nuisance you are!” The warmth of his greeting quite overcomes her. She is covered head to foot in thick black mud, so the fact that he has recognized her is a point in his favor.

“Help me into my bath, Crusty,” she gasps.

The bath being upstairs, lugging her up the grand spiral staircase practically kills him. With his last ounce of strength he rolls her into the tub, then crawls back to his butler’s pantry to recover. “I’d like some water, Crusty!” she cries. But he’s too worn-out to pay any attention.

“I really must pause here,” Ms. Crepuscular confides in her readers, “to confide in you, dear readers! My neighbor, the erratic Mr. Pitfall, now insists that he and I are man and wife. Really, it’s just too much! I am sure I never married him, but now he’s in my kitchen breaking dishes! Something tells me his eccentricities may be getting out of hand. Steps will have to be taken, I fear.”


Cats Who Love Their Toys

I don’t know… Whenever I buy nice cat toys for my cats, I wind up watching them play with cardboard boxes or paper bags. They really like the little curly scraps of cardboard that they peel off the boxes. I would like them to get exercise by some method other than fighting; but have you ever tried to get a cat to do anything she doesn’t feel like doing?


Sleepy Kitties: The Showdown

Cats have many ways of resisting the urge to sleep, none of them successful. They do much better resisting the urge to wake up. And I’m sorry, but that grey cat sleeping face-down on the armchair makes it into every cat video compilation. Besides, my cat Peep likes to sleep face-down. How she breathes, I just don’t know.


A Provocative Thought

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We’re hearing a lot of alarums and excursions about measles and the need for everyone in America to get a measles vaccine, pronto.

But has anyone taken the trouble to wonder: What if you’re, like, real, real small? Say, the size of a dried pea? What then? How do you vaccinate a patient who’s that small?

We always talk about “measles.” It’s hard to see how such a tiny patient could ever carry a full crop of measles. Isn’t it much more likely that he or she would have room for only one measle? But is there any such word as “measle,” the singular form of measles? Has anybody ever had just one measle? We might even say “one measly measle.”

Are all measles pretty much the same size, or do they scale themselves according to the size of the patient? Someone knows.

Have you ever heard anybody say, “I have a measle”? I wonder what the treatment is, for just one measle.

Somebody’s gotta think of these things…


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