From November 16, 2017
You may have noticed I tag these animal videos “Sanity Medicine.” Why? Well, driving home from the Keyport Fishery (best seafood in New Jersey) today, I almost went off the road when I heard Hillary Clinton, on the radio, deplore “the politicization of the Justice Dept.” Can you be that utterly without self-awareness and not be as mad as a hatter?
Anyhow, bunnies, cats, dogs, hamsters, turtles–they’re all good for leading us back to sanity.
From August 18, 2016
Hey, remember this commercial? All about cowboys herding cats instead of cattle. Generally I don’t pay any attention at all to Super Bowl commercials, but this one was really funny, and famous, too. Notice the cowboy carefully rolling cat hairs off his shirt!
From May 15, 2021
G’day, g’day! And I hope you’ve got your TV warmed up for another weekend of tip-top broadcasting from Quokka University!
Byron the Quokka here, with a tiny sample of some of our unique programming. Sorry, I’m not allowed to tell you where we get it! We don’t want anybody thrown into jail or shot on our account.
So here’s a little bit of what’s in store for you.
8:17 a.m. Ch. 03 BREAKFAST WITH CTHULHU–Discussion
Sneak preview of Dracula singing Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love, Gavin Newsom recalling that he had very few toys as a child, and a crowd of people trying to get away from Cthulhu before he eats them. Featuring Justin Trudeau and his little beard.
8:30 a.m. Ch. 16 CAPTAIN FACEHEAD–Children’s Programming
Capt. Facehead demonstrates how to mix pickles with Woolite, and Mr. Droopy stops by with a swarm of ravenous mosquitoes. Also: how to play solitaire tackle football.
Ch. 21 MACRO PUNCHUM, M.D.–Medical Drama
Macro’s theory of beating patients back to health lands him in a spot of trouble when a patient dies. Old Dr. Peedle (Andre the Giant) defends him, but even older Dr. Bizz (Martha Washington) is out to get him. Nurse Tweedle: Twiggy. Macro Punchum: John Rhys-Davies.
Ch. 42 MIGUEL BORRACHO–Very Poor Excuse for TV Programming
A Spanish-language soap opera written by persons who don’t speak it very well, starring actors and actresses who don’t speak it at all. Panchito: Justin Trudeau. Luisa: Angela Merkel. Capablanca: Benny Hill. Juan Valdez’ Aunt: Name Withheld.
9 a.m. Ch. 08 MOVIE–Drama/Surfing/Sci-Fi
“What Goes Up” (1977) asks the haunting question, What if there were a planet full of surfers? And what if they all looked like Supreme Court justices? Scuffy: Earl Warren. Muffy: William Rehnquist Gidget: Sandra Day O’Connor Ho-Baby: Harry Blackmun. The Voice of Doom: Jon Hall. Plus a Tamil-language tribute to the Bowery Boys.
Well, there’s your sample. Believe it or not, we also have shows that are a lot better than these. I never did like Macro Punchum: it made me afraid to go to the doctor’s.
From August 1, 2018
Why cats and dogs take so much guff from cockatiels is one for the Durants. Look for more of those unexpected animal friendships.
Also look for two critters you hardly ever see in video–a softshell turtle and a bush baby.
These are really funny!
From November 19, 2020
What’s with these cats? Haven’t they seen rain before? They do look genuinely puzzled.
If it were raining or snowing when he wanted to go out, as soon as he got his feet wet, our cat Henry would shake them off, move back indoors backward, and then blame me for the weather. I got a lot of annoyed meows for that.
Wow! Here on Rottnest Island, it’s almost time for Deputy Dawg! But first a word about this week’s TV listings, brought to you by Quokka U. If we can raise enough money, we can buy one of those air-boats like they had in “Everglades.” Now all we need is a swamp!
Byron the Quokka here, and here’s a sample of this weekend’s fabulous television.
6:30 P.M. Ch. 03 THE BLOODY PIRATES OF SKELETON ISLAND–Adventure
The pirates swoop down on a wagon train in the middle of the prairie and suddenly discover they’ve lost their ship! Cap’n Cod: Lorne Green Clambrain: John Kerry Marvin the Talking Ox: Howard Cosell
Ch. 05 NEWS WITH STEVE THE HAMSTER–News
Who says the news anchor has to be human? As Steve runs faster and faster in his hamster wheel, news stories fly out from the bottom and Ed McMahon digs them out of the cedar shavings and reads them for the camera.
6:36 P.M. Ch. 46 SHERPA TO THE STARS–Travel
Hollywood superstars love to climb the Himalayas! And Sherpa Gutzu Lhotsa Sope is the man who guides them to the summits. Even if he doesn’t always come down with the same celebrities with which he went up. With Andrew Cuomo and his orchestra.
7 P.M. Ch. 10 HOPALONG HAGGIS–Scottish Western
Hopalong Haggis really does have to propel himself by hopping along on alternate feet, but that doesn’t stop him from solving crimes for the Phnom Penh C.I.D. in Cambodia, with whom he communicates telepathically. This week: someone’s left the water running. Hopalong: Harry Wong Sgt. MacPherson: Sid Fernandez Mrs MacGavin: Linzy Kagemusha
Ch. 12 TITUS ANDRONICUS–Cartoons
Shakespeare’s gory mess makes for hilarious cartoons! Host: Suitcase Simpson.
Ch. 17 MOVIE–Tragicomedy
“Lost in the Outback” (1958) features the Bowery Boys being picked off one by one by rogue kangaroos and vengeful wandering minstrels. Filmed in Brooklyn but made to look just like the Australian wilderness, give or take a few cars and sidewalks. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Rogue kangaroo trainer: Loretta Young. Suspicious-looking Rock: Tommy Lee Jones.
Well, there you have it! I can’t wait to see “Lost in the Outback.” A lot of ninnies get lost in the Outback. Some of them get lost looking for it. They think it’s somewhere “out back.”
I hope our university opens soon.
From July 21, 2019
G’day! Byron the Quokka here–just for a chat.
A lot of people think we quokkas live in burrows, but we don’t: grass and shrubbery, that’s what we like. We live in nice houses made of grass. We used to keep the King of the Quokkas’ furniture upstairs, but then the heaviest item fell through the ceiling and smashed our toaster oven. Quokkas who live in grass houses shouldn’t store thrones.
Some of you have wondered what we do at night. Well, we’re homebodies, we love our family time together… so we watch Machiste movies. They’re mostly in Italian, but it’s Italian with an Australian accent, so we can understand it. Happily, there are dozens of Machiste movies, even if a lot of them got remarketed as Hercules movies. My favorite is Machiste Meets the Vacuum Cleaner Man–very scary!
We’re also very fond of board games, like Clue, Stratego, Carcassone, Settlers of Catan, and Who Knoo the Kangaroo?, which I am told is very popular in New Jersey.
When we go to bed we like to read a bit before turning the light out. We all read the Bell Mountain books. They’re my favorites. My mum is a huge fan of those detective stories by Violet Crepuscular about this detective who always gives up before he comes anywhere near solving the crime. I don’t understand what she sees in them, myself.
It’s a quiet life, but we like it!
From December 8, 2016
If only dogs could talk, they might get somewhere with these arguments. It might be interesting to hear this one dog’s reasons for why he ought to be given some sushi. But all the dogs in this video have something to say–and we humans just don’t get it… whatever it is.
Dogs up on top of the roof–how did they get there? Wild turkey raising cain in the living room–who let him in? And of course the cat in the lizard tank: note the lizard trying to keep his cool. Enjoy these odd videos!