Tag: Quokka University

Byron’s TV Listings, May 22 REPRINT

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multiple image galleries

From May 22, 2021

G’dy, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s TV offerings from Quokka University. Last week they tried to catch us with the goods, and we had a narrow escape: fortunately the cops were too big to follow us into our burrows.

Anyway, if you’re looking for the absolute finest in TV viewing–greetings, pilgrim, your search is ended! (I heard that in a coffee commercial once: it sounds real cool.)

9:00 P.M.  Ch. 04   ALIEN CIRCUS BOY–Science Fiction/Western

How better for space aliens to prepare their conquest of the earth than by touring the Old West disguised as a traveling circus? This week: Hoozkwrthopofht the Clown (William Windom) gets picked up by a suspicious sheriff (Gilles de Rais), and it’s up to Ringmaster Mtghwowllixtll (Linda Hunt) to rescue him before his Delusion Cream wears off. Agnes: James Brolin

05  BIMBU EL-SAYEED–Discussion

Bimbu’s difficulties with English don’t stop him from simultaneously interviewing cartoon characters’ rights activist Judi Kazudi and medium Erica Tadpole, who is in contact with… well, nobody. Featuring Andrew Cuomo’s brain in a jar. With the Whoopee Goldberg Dancers.

10  THE BEST OF JOHN KERRY–Waste of Time

How do you compile “the best of” when there is no “best” to start with? Panelists (Roberto Duran, Peggy Cass, Sir Kenneth Clark, and Johnny Weismuller) try to figure it out! Host: A poorly-groomed, aggressive dog.

9:22 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Mystery/Horror

In “Lassie Goes Rogue” (1961), the beloved collie turns cunning killer and terrorizes the small town of Bab-O, Czechoslovakia. Can the Bowery Boys track her down and stop her before she depopulates the region; or will Lassie finish them off first? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Dr. Potatosky: Hale Boggs. Shell collector: Jack LaLanne. Lassie’s Mom: Eleanor Roosevelt.

10:06 P.M.  Ch. 33  WHO CAN SQUEEZE THROUGH THE NARROW OPENING?–Game Show for Claustrophobics

Oversized celebrity contestants try to force themselves through increasingly constricted openings. Host: Rosie O’Donnell. With Woody Woodpecker and his orchestra.

Well! That certainly makes me want to sit down and watch hours and hours of TV! Break out the potato chips!

Quokka U. TV Listings

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Meet the Quokka

As promised, boys ‘n’ girls, here are more TV listings. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Quokka University has its own TV network–but I’ll let Byron the Quokka explain.

[Enter, laughing] G’day! Don’t ask me how we got all those TV shows–I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Just enjoy the listings–and if anyone asks, I haven’t been here today.

1 p.m.

02. Movie, “Dadburn!” (1952) A middle-aged seamstress (Linda Hunt) comes to terms with herself and becomes a professional assassin. Scotty: James Doohan. Number One: Barbara Billingsly.

03. Literary Mischief. E.M. Forster takes Virginia Woolf to the drive-in movie, unaware that J.D. Salinger has hidden a body in the back seat. Forster: Godfrey Cambridge. Woolf: Loretta Young.

07. What’s My Delusion? (Game Show) Host: Angela Merkel. The wildest delusion gets the wildest prize.

1:30 p.m.

04. Mid-Day News with Harpo Marx.

07. Sports. “Fishing with the Sadducees.”

09. The Gallumphing Gourmet (Cooking). Making hamburgers with ingredients that don’t exist. Guest: Clairvoyant Claire and the voice of Emperor Tiberius.

[Hey! Where did Byron go? Something tells me his heart isn’t in this.]

Byron’s TV Listings

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Quokkas tend to invite people over for a nice home-cooked meal every so often; they'll even wait for their guests by the door to greet them as soon as they arri… |

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, from Quokka University Broadcasting. By popular demand, here are some of today’s TV listings. Don’t ask me where we got those channels and all those shows. We have a Fifth Amendment here on Rottnest Island, and it’s got my name on it!

3:39 P.M.

04. Jan Can’t Cook. Your recipes are bound to turn out better than hers. Guest: Rachel Ray (tied to chair and gagged).

05. Toiling Away in Misery (Soap Opera). Danny and Sarah are exasperated when their little girl gets arrested for barratry. Danny: Vladimir Putin. Sarah: Una O’Connor.

07. “Itching for Trouble” (Movie, 1956). The Bowery Boys travel to London to perform a Shakespeare play. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, John Gielgud, Sophie Tucker.

3:56 P.M.

11. Beat the Zoning! (Game Show) See who can get past the town’s zoning board with the most objectionable building project. Contestants are all well-known shady developers. Host: Billy Sleaze.

04. Jan Still Can’t Cook! On the menu: Termite Puffs, Weed Salad, Unidentified Soup. Jan’s Therapist: Kim Jong Un.

12. College Bawl (Quiz). Teams from Harvard and Ohio State still deadlocked over last week’s question, “Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?” Host: Zacherley.

Well, that’s all for now! I’ve got to get far away from here before somebody gets arrested. I’ll be back with more next week, if we’re still on the air.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 12

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Greetings, earthlings! (I’ve always wanted to say that!) Byron the Quokka here, with just a sample of the incalculable bliss that your TV viewing will provide this week! (Always wanted to say that, too). Brought to you by Quokka University–and here’s a snippet from our menu.

Saturday

6:06 a.m.  Ch. 44   TOY BOY SQUADRON–Wartime adventure

In peacetime they live off foolish old ladies with lots of money. War cramps their style! This week: Col. Bumpus (former Cubs outfielder Jose Cardenal) latches on to a French heiress (Maddy Hagfish): has he just made his fortune?

8:18 p.m.  Ch. 19  THE COCCYX CHORUS–Variety

This week’s guests include Arnie Sacknussen (mail box imitation), the Slop Sisters (they’ll make you cry); and Betty Woont (tragical movie scenes adapted for performance on a trampoline). Your host: Xi Jin Ping look-alike, Bo Hardy.

Sunday

2:14 p.m.  Ch. 16  MUSHY BASEBALL, RUG-CHEWERS VS. IDLE HANDS–Sports, live from Old Bridge, NJ

It’s not softball, it’s not hardball–it’s mushball! Rug-Chewers offense features keen negotiators, while the Idle Hands rely on scary rubber snakes in the other team’s dugout. Play-by-play and commentary: Ellen Melon, Squeaky Bubu. Sponsored by Ringtails, the non-alcoholic beer that gets you roaring drunk anyway.

Well, that should be enough to get you going! You’ll be pleased to know the President’s Council on Physical Fitness has once again overlooked Quokka U.

2+ Thousand Rottnest Island Quokka Royalty-Free Images, Stock Photos & Pictures | Shutterstock

Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, March 1

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The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 5 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls–and welcome to March! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s televisual treats lined up for you, courtesy of Quokka University. Without further ado, dig these samples!

Saturday

4:15 a.m.  Ch. 48  INSOMNIACS’ THEATER–All sorts of stuff

Host Lispin’ Larry Thmith introduces episode 231 of My Coccyx Won’t Quit! The Werner Schmegeggi Story, starring Yi-Fan Hao and Freddy the Field Mouse. This week: Werner learns how to bake a T-shirt. Special guest: Man who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, but doesn’t look it.

7:06 a.m.  Ch. 16  DRIVEL!–Public affairs and idiots

If you’re feeling like you can never face that waxy build-up on your kitchen floor, or your pet screech owl letting it all hang out in the middle of the night, then Drivel! is the show for you–six solid hours of blah-blah-blah, guaranteed to put you to sleep. Certified idiots discussing non-existent issues: does that sound familiar?

8:30 a.m.  Ch. 08  MR. POYZIN’S NEIGHBORHOOD–Horror and suspense

This week: Survivors of Mr. Poyzin’s victims get together to keep him from getting his own TV show. Zelly the Wart Hog: himself. Yogurt-face: Linda McCrock., Brought to you by Osbert’s Paint Chips.

9:15 a.m.  Ch. 37  TV’S MOST HATED HOSTS–Anthropology

Who are the most obnoxious hosts on TV? [My vote’s for that guy who laughs uncontrollably as he reads the nooze.] Who will wind up being tossed screaming into the live volcano? They’re up against the most vengeful and vicious fans in all of TV Land! So hang onto your hat…

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka signing off

‘Quokka U. to Teach Political Science’ (2020)

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50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings! | Everywhere Wild

Bonus quokka photo (can be autographed by anyone)

Emergency! Viewer numbers close to flat-lining this morning! Byron the Quokka reports for duty with whatever he could grab on the fly… which was this:

Quokka U. to Teach Political Science

Well, if you can’t get Political Science at Quokka University, where else are you going to get it? I’m almost afraid to hear you answer that!

‘We Have Hired an Academic Superstar!’ (2020)

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Quokka - Album on Imgur

Quokka University made some notable progress in 2020–most notably of all, the hiring of international cleftonics icon Dr. Helmut Shimble as a professor of something or other.

We Have Hired an Academic Superstar!

Of course, it ain’t cheap hiring these superstars, they don’t work for nothing. We done found some of the money by taking it out of the English grammar budget. Like, we don’t need no grammar!

There’s also the very real prospect that no one who signs up for his course will ever learn anything–but that’s not the point, is it? This is Higher Education!

World-Class Famous Great Author Joins Q.U. Faculty!

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Aussie lady with a quokka : r/aww

I couldn’t get a picture of Ms. Crepuscular, so here’s Ms. Whatsername from our Registration Office instead.

Rejoice! Huzzah! Wahoo! Quokka University has added a BIG name to our English faculty! How big? ya say. Eleven letters big, sez I! C-R-E-P-U-S-C-U-L-A-R! As in Violet Crepuscular, author of the epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Winner of the Big Good Writership Award!

Ms. Crepuscular will be teaching “How Write Good 101,” if we ever get a classroom for it, and also teaching our kitchen staff how to make toothpaste-filled cupcakes. As soon as we get a kitchen. A lot of quokkas don’t bother to cook their leaves before eating them.

Advance copies of Oy, Rodney are available through the French Embassy at popular prices, if you don’t mind paying in Euros. Aunt Foozy says Euros make your paws smell funny.

Byron the Quokka: News Flash!

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Shakespeare with computer. William Shakespeare in period clothing sitting in school desk with laptop computer shrugging at viewer. shakespeare funny stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images

Wow! Byron the Quokka here, with fabulous news! Quokka University has just acquired the exclusive rights to an exclusive TV series, Shakespeare For Persons Who Can’t Hardly Talk.

What’s wrong with Shakespeare? Half the time you don’t know what the heck he’s talking about; and the rest of the time, the plays are too blamed long!

Well, they’ve fixed that. For example, this new improved version of the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet. 

Romeo: Yo!

Juliet: Hey.

Romeo: Hey.

Juliet: That you?

Romeo: See ya. [Exit Romeo and Juliet]

See how much time and space that saves? Heck, when they do Macbeth, it’s only twenty minutes!

Catch ya later, dude!

Quokka Posing And Smiling At Camera Portrait Of A Funny Quokka On Rottnest Island Western Australia Stock Photo - Download Image Now - iStock

Win a Lifetime Exemption to the Sherman Anti-Trust Act!

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The Difference Between An Alligator And A Crocodile

Why shouldn’t you have a monopoly? Well, Uncle Sam will hinder you from getting one–unless you are the lucky winner of Quokka University’s “Capture the Crocodile” contest.

Australia’s full of pesky saltwater crocodiles that make swimming a risky proposition. We’re always looking for someone who can turn the tables on the crocs–and it could be you! And if it is… Well, remember us when you’ve made your first billion!