‘Exclusive! The 2021 SAT Tests!’ (2018)

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I had no way of knowing, when I wrote this satire just three years ago, that in 2021 a lot of major colleges and universities would simply discard the SATs and not use them anymore as a measure of anyone’s preparedness for college.

Exclusive! The 2021 SAT Tests!

They used to want to know if you were ready for college. But by now they’ve dumbed it down so much, a monkey is ready for college. It doesn’t even have to be a particularly smart monkey. The idea is to get everyone–yes, everyone–into some kind of college. Even if they have to offer free tuition! While at the same time paying out simply gorgeous salaries and pensions. And we will have 20 million nincompoops with degrees in Gender Studies.

Do You Have to Agree with Bernie, to Ace the SAT?

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Don’t forget to agree with him when you take your SAT

The New Hampshire Dept. of Education has added a “pro-Bernie Sanders essay question” to this year’s Scholastic Aptitude Test, which 13,000 students have taken so far (https://godfatherpolitics.com/new-hampshire-dept-of-education-indoctrinating-students-with-bernie-sanders-praise-on-sat-tests/).

Sanders, an avowed socialist, is a leading contender for next year’s Democrat presidential nomination. Students were asked to “read and process” an op-ed he wrote in 2014 and tell “whether or not the author made a persuadable argument,” explained one of the state’s education commissars. Oops. I mean commissioner.

Here’s a quote from Sanders’ op-ed: “[W]ealthy special interests who want to privatize or dismember virtually every function the government now performs… to make billions in profits out of these services.” (Question: why can’t the government run them efficiently and profitably?)

We are not told what a student has to say in his essay, to get a good grade and qualify for further indoctrination in college… but I think we can guess it’d be something like this.

“Wow! He is like so right on! There’s nothing the private sector can do that government can’t do better, and prophits, like, dude, they are just so icky and bad! I hate prophits! I love the government! Bernie for president!”

Definitely ready for college.

Exclusive! The 2021 SAT Tests!

One of the reasons that the costliest education system in human history is the costliest education system in human history is because virtually everyone has to go to college.

But before you can get into college, you have to pass the Scholastic Aptitude Tests (SATs). The purpose of these tests is to get as many people into college as possible.

What ho! Some of the contents of the 2021 SATs, being prepared just now, have been leaked to me! Here’s a sample from the Science SAT.

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Identify this North American animal.

A) Japanese giant salamander  B) Daddy long-legs  C) Bighorn sheep  D) Submarine sandwich  E) Hey, wait a minute! That’s me!

The correct answer, of course, is E, “That’s me!” This is what the colleges are looking for. This is the engine that will drive America through the 21st century. At least that’s what they say, and it sounds wise.

Someday everyone in America will be in college for as long as they live. At least that seems to be the plan.