Tag: silly TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings (April 17) REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

From April 17, 2021

G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of edifying TV brought to you by Quokka University and sources better left un-named. Hey, dig that ad for Bat Masterson, sponsored by Sealtest Ice Cream. We still have Sealtest here on Rottnest Island. I love their Eucalyptus Swirl!

Without further ado, here’s a little piece of our schedule.

7:26 P.M.  Ch. 29   Boating With Davy Jones

How much trouble can you get into in a rowboat? Watch Davy as he and celebrity guest Rosie O’Donnell wind up beached in a hot-tempered homeowner’s back yard! With Beto O’Rorke and his orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  The House of Atreus–Comedy

You think you’ve got troubles? Watch the look on Grandpa’s face when he finds out he’s just eaten his beloved grandchildren for supper. And then there’s Sisyphus (Phil Silvers) who’s almost got that boulder up the hill when it falls down again–right across his foot. Grandpa: Telly Savalas.  Mommy: Name Withheld.  Featuring John Kerry with some obnoxious hand puppets.

Ch. 12  Unexplained Paranormal Weird Mysteries–Educational (?)

Join host Barry White as he explores really puzzling enigmas: A student gets a C when he expected a B; a housewife finds a lost balloon in the last place she looks; Flossie the Cat will only do her tricks when no one’s looking. Special guest appearance by Andrew the Telepathic Turnip.

Ch. 14  Knockdown! Western Action–Western

TV’s only Western filmed in southern Philadelphia! Marshall Matt Falafel (Fong Hsueh Ting) rounds up a posse (the Lennon Sisters) to chase down inadequate-feeling bank robber Killer Kahn (Ramesses II) so he can be helped by Dr. Fanabla (Moms Mabley)… before he kills again!  Special Guest Star: A woman who looks unnervingly like Taras Bulba.

Ch. 21  Movie–Drama

In “Boil My Socks!” (1991), the ageless Bowery Boys discover a plot by Bela Lugosi to corner the market in bunion pads. Can they stop it before Dr. Scholl is driven out of business? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Bela Lugosi: Godfrey Cambridge. Dr. Scholl: Max Von Sydow. Tinkle Bell: Chelsea Clinton. Chorus: several ears of corn.

Well, that ought to get you motivated for a weekend’s worth of truly subcutaneous TV viewing! What’s that? Who said I sound like Violet Crepuscular? You wait’ll I get my paws on you–!

Byron’s TV Listings REPRINT

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

 

 

Image result for images of 1959 TV listings

From February 13, 2021

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV listings to spice up your weekend–if you call watching TV spicy. The Quokka University TV Network makes these shows available–I don’t know how, and I don’t ask. If anybody asks, I haven’t been here today.

7 p.m.  03  HITTITE NEWS  Anchor: Shuri-Teshub son of Ishmak

04  THE FACEHEADS (Comedy). Randy gets some peculiar ideas after watching a movie about “Killer Kats.” Randy: Denzel Washington. Dr. Gesundheit: Sandy Becker. Special guest appearance by Sabu as Chief Dawson.

07  BEAT THE CROCK (Game Show) New! Ordinary schlubs team up with celebrity schlubs to see who can swim across The Pool of Death without getting pulled under. Emcee: Orville Redenbacher.

7:17 p.m. 11  MOVIE–TRAGEDY

“That Darned Hamster!” (1961)  The Bowery Boys tangle with an ancient Ethiopian sorceress brought back to life by fish flakes, and only Duncan the Hamster can save the day–if they can find him! Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Madame Fong: Dame Judith Anderson. Song: “Oh, Those Cedar Shavings!” Perry Mason and his orchestra.

7:30 p.m.  02  SPEAKING IN MONOSYLLABLES–EDUCATION

Don’t waste time with words when simple grunts will do! Tonight: Professor Spigot reduces Moby Dick to a mere 20 seconds, using grunts, eye-rolling, and hand gestures.

05  GRIME AND PUNISHMENT–COURTROOM DRAMA

Judge Hobart Hornswoggle tries re-enacted criminal and civil cases involving kitchen grease and various kinds of slop–in front of a jury of stuffed plush animals.

Well, that’s all I have time for now–I have to hurry on to the next post. See you in a bit.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, May 22

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multiple image galleries

From May 22, 2021

G’dy, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s TV offerings from Quokka University. Last week they tried to catch us with the goods, and we had a narrow escape: fortunately the cops were too big to follow us into our burrows.

Anyway, if you’re looking for the absolute finest in TV viewing–greetings, pilgrim, your search is ended! (I heard that in a coffee commercial once: it sounds real cool.)

9:00 P.M.  Ch. 04   ALIEN CIRCUS BOY–Science Fiction/Western

How better for space aliens to prepare their conquest of the earth than by touring the Old West disguised as a traveling circus? This week: Hoozkwrthopofht the Clown (William Windom) gets picked up by a suspicious sheriff (Gilles de Rais), and it’s up to Ringmaster Mtghwowllixtll (Linda Hunt) to rescue him before his Delusion Cream wears off. Agnes: James Brolin

05  BIMBU EL-SAYEED–Discussion

Bimbu’s difficulties with English don’t stop him from simultaneously interviewing cartoon characters’ rights activist Judi Kazudi and medium Erica Tadpole, who is in contact with… well, nobody. Featuring Andrew Cuomo’s brain in a jar. With the Whoopee Goldberg Dancers.

10  THE BEST OF JOHN KERRY–Waste of Time

How do you compile “the best of” when there is no “best” to start with? Panelists (Roberto Duran, Peggy Cass, Sir Kenneth Clark, and Johnny Weismuller) try to figure it out! Host: A poorly-groomed, aggressive dog.

9:22 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Mystery/Horror

In “Lassie Goes Rogue” (1961), the beloved collie turns cunning killer and terrorizes the small town of Bab-O, Czechoslovakia. Can the Bowery Boys track her down and stop her before she depopulates the region; or will Lassie finish them off first? Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Dr. Potatosky: Hale Boggs. Shell collector: Jack LaLanne. Lassie’s Mom: Eleanor Roosevelt.

10:06 P.M.  Ch. 33  WHO CAN SQUEEZE THROUGH THE NARROW OPENING?–Game Show for Claustrophobics

Oversized celebrity contestants try to force themselves through increasingly constricted openings. Host: Rosie O’Donnell. With Woody Woodpecker and his orchestra.

Well! That certainly makes me want to sit down and watch hours and hours of TV! Break out the potato chips!

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 2 2021

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1962

Look at this–October already! Time flies when you’re posting TV listings!

Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of intersectional TV–I thought I’d say that and see if it got a rise out of anybody. There’s a wallaby who jumps four feet into the air if he thinks something’s intersectional.

Here’s a little piece of this weekend’s menu.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 08   BOBBING FOR APPLES–Game Show

It’s looks easy–but in every tub of floating apples, there’s an angry crab! Sooner or later, some contestant’s going to get bitten. Host: Basil III, Byzantine Emperor. Celebrity contestants: Angela Merkel, Bette Davis, Chiang Kai-shek, and a rugose cone from Antarctica.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   MOVIE–Horror

“The Scary Lady Who Chops Off Heads and Eats Them” (Mexican, 1967) features the June Taylor Dancers as sirens who lure unsuspecting randy gentlemen into the clutches of a ravenous space alien (Zsa Zsa Gabor) who looks like Zsa Zsa Gabor. Featured Song: “I Got Plenty of Letter Openers”

Ch. 23   RE-IMAGINE YOUR SOCKS–Drivel

Are you ready to enhance your sock experience? Join your host, a sea cucumber in a tank, as various celebrity guests (celebrities from Burkina Faso: you won’t have heard of them) rhapsodize about what a nice pair of socks really feels like! With John Kerry and his orchestra.

9 P.M.  Ch. 02   I LIVE FACE-DOWN–Crime Drama (Noir)

Cynical, burnt-out private eye Marvin Blah (James Fenimore Cooper) can’t even drag himself out of bed in the morning–so how’s he supposed to solve “The Disappearing Gorgeous Dame Caper”? Superhero Shapeless Blob Man (Richard Crenna) has to use poisonous snakes to get him motivated! Guest star: Venus de Milo (with arms)

Ch. 31  ARE YOU AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK?–Quiz Show

Trick questions like “Who are you?” are bound to trip up stupid famous people when host Monte Hall asks them! Watch career politicians get hopelessly tangled up by posers like “What are you doing?” and “How old are you?” Remember the Congresswoman whose head exploded when asked what time it is!

There! That ought to get you in a TV frame of mind! Aunt Squeezy is visiting us this weekend, so we know we’re going to be watching a lot of TV–in between games of Clue! This quokka really has it in for Col. Mustard–always trying to pin the crime on him. But I digress…

946 Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Gee, I can still see the TV screen from 50 feet away!

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 27

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Retrospace: TV Guide #8: Feb 12-18, 1977

G’day, all! It’s Byron the Multi-Tasking Underpaid Quokka, introducing this weekend’s glorious TV fare, presented by Quokka University, while at the same time trying to manage this blog’s annual Christmas Carol Contest.

Tell you what: while you watch these wonderful shows, think up some Christmas carols you can enter in the contest.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 92   SQUEAKY TOY CHAMPIONSHIPS–Sports

Live from an undisclosed location! Celebrity dogs squeeze the world’s loudest, annoyingest, and most unusual squeaky toys–far into the night. Commentators: Charles, Prince of Wales, and Redd Fox. With Grandpa Fritz’s Oom-pah Band.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 04   ADVENTURES IN DATING with Noah Peel–Romance

Contestants will be matched up by “Mr. Single” Noah Peel and forced to go on at least one date together. Noah picks the time and place–at random, out of The Magic Dating Jar! Watch the hapless couple try to deal with “2 a.m. at the deserted amusement park”! Winners get a weekend with the June Taylor Dancers on Catalina Island.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 12  MY MOTHER THE UNSETTLING ODOR–Sitcom

What if your mother came back to life as a queer odor that makes people really nervous? That’s what’s happened to mealworm expert Dib McCoy (Yuan Shih-kai) and his late mother (the voice of Ann Boleyn). This week: Mom revisits her local bridge club, causing a full-blown panic–and Dib gets the blame! Special guest star: Alan Hale.

Ch. 18   I LIVE FACE-DOWN–Detective Series

Inspired by decades of film noir cliches, follow the adventures of Harry Morbid (Jock Mahoney) as he gets slugged by bad guys, bugged by his girlfriend (Heather Locklear), and mugged by the gangs who infest his wretched neighborhood. This week: Harry’s only close friend (Jimmy Walker) runs off with Harry’s cat, Farfel (voice of Rowan Atkinson).

7:17 P.M.  Ch. 86  MOVIE–Chess

In Pawn to King-Four (1979), Bobby Fischer Wannabe (Johnny Cash) invents a new chess opening that flattens (literally!) all opposition and seems likely to lead to a world championship–if the KGB, the CIA, and the UJA don’t get him first! Song: “I’m Just a Poor Boy En Passant.” Trivia note: this was the last film ever directed by a hamster.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, there you have it–just a sample of this weekend’s entertainment. Make sure you’ve got plenty of crispy leaves handy for snacks!

I love that squeaky toy show!   From 11/27/2021

Baby Quokka Eating Ficus Leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Image of herbivorous, eyes: 201938562

Byron’s TV Listings, May 8 2021

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Vintage 1960 Tv Listings Related Keywords & Suggestions - Vintage ... | Keyword suggestion, Tv guide listings, Tv guide

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where we get it!

Without any further ado–we’re just about out of ado, anyhow–here’s a sample.

8:06 A.M.  Ch. 2  GUMBY’S STOCK MARKET TIPS

You won’t get rich, but you might get entertained. What the heck, it’s only money. Let Gumby and Poky show you how to invest it.

8:08   Ch. 3   WANTED FOR FRAUD: GUMBY

Anyone with information leading to the arrest and conviction of Gumby, please contact the Channel 3 Fraud Squad. $15 reward!

8:15   Ch. 5   CROCKED NEWSTALK–News and Commentary

You have to be noticeably intoxicated before they let you join this panel. Tonight’s celebrity drunkard: Big-game hunter Hap “Oops!” Chandler. Tonight’s topic: “String Theory: Who ****ing Gives a ****?” With Xi Jin Ping and his orchestra.

9 A.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Waste of time

“Hamlet Prince of Denmark, Michigan” (2002)  Re-adaptation of Shakespeare’s Hamlet in modern dress and setting, with Hamlet as the son trying to inherit a shoe store after his father is murdered by Brownies. Hamlet: Alec Guinness. Father’s Ghost: Ben Dover. Ophelia: Zsa Zsa Gabor. Polonius: the Bowery Boys. With Henny Youngman’s Joke Machine.

Ch. 32   MY MOTHER THE GUNSLINGER–Western

While a rogue shark picks off Dodge City’s innocent swimmers, Sheriff Flimsy (John Gielgud) must ask Ma (Shari Lewis) to buckle on her guns again to deal with a mysterious stranger who shoots everybody. Dusty the Dog: James Whitmore. Sid the Horse: Alva Toffler  Mary Ellen the Beetle: Linda Hunt.

Well, there you have it–just a taste of what awaits you when you tune into Quokka UTV.

Byron’s TV Listings, April 19

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TV Guide December 27, 1968 N. California - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and if these TV listings get any smaller, I’ll have to wear glasses.

Here, have some listings that are a bit easier to read–brought to you by Quokka U.

Saturday

4:30 p.m.   Ch. 24  WIDE WORLD OF CLUMSY–Sports, sort of

Join host Igor Fanabla as he calls the plays for the world’s clumsiest athletes. Critic Ahab Shyder called this show “a vision of Tartarus.” Still waiting for the first clumsy athlete to complete the course successfully and win a tricycle with a seat belt.

6:17 p.m.   Ch. 03   PORKY THE PIRATE–Riveting historical melodrama

Did we say “riveting”? Well, heck, that’s what Porky (Edgar Slopp) does! This week: Captain Spiggot (Soupy Sales) needs his whole bottom re-riveted–and Porky doesn’t realize he’s talking about his ship, not his buttocks! Woman who makes cryptic comments: Sandy Duncan.

Sunday

8:01 a.m.   Ch. 64   BAD DOG, LASSIE!–Unbearably tragic tales

What happens when a good dog (Footsie) goes completely bad? This week: the Whately farm is overrun by ferocious salamanders–while Lassie raids the hen-house! Mrs. Spider: (It’s a real spider, they don’t have names). Farmer Pince-nez: Chiang Tei-hsiao.

7:14 p.m.  Ch. 12   THIS DRESS DOES MAKE ME LOOK FAT!–Fashion

The contestants don’t know it, but host Ginger Ninjur has a whole bucket of locusts to turn loose in this collection of formal wedding dresses by Ingmar Bergman. Who will be the first to climb the Ladder of Escape? Who’ll be the first to ride the Chute of Despair?

Well, folks, on second thought, I won’t need glasses to watch these, after all.

Quokka in Sunglasses Smiles for the Camera Stock ...

Whaddaya think? Keep ’em or lose ’em? Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, March 15

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TV Guide January 6, 1977 Philadelphia - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University, where grade point averages go to die. Here are just a few of this week’s offerings.

Saturday

5:45 p.m.   Ch. 42    MONGOLIAN BASEBALL–“Free” baseball

Tired of having to pay fees to watch a ball game on TV? Well, one simple package deal, for a mere 49 cents, will bring you all sorts of sports from the heart of Central Asia. Today: Kalgan Kippers vs. Ulan Bator Bashmaks. Losing manager gets thrown off a cliff! With Yin Chee Ching in the broadcast booth. (English translation extra charge, please.)

6 p.m.   Ch. 08   DATING GAME WITH CROCODILES–Social Justice TV

It’s always so much fun to watch the look on a contestant’s face when he (or she) learns he hasn’t won a blind date with a gorgeous partner, but only a hard push into a swimming pool full of hungry crocodiles. Commentary: Some guy who identifies as Julius Caesar.

Ch. 24   MAGIC TRICKS FOR CLUMSY OAFS–(It means what it says)

Want to be the life of the party? The Great Scappini will get you there–with magic! This week: Scappini’s classic Disappearing Coccyx trick. This was the illusion that convinced Ingrid Bergman that there was a walrus in her bedroom. Important Note: Watch the whole thing, or you won’t get the coccyx back.

OK, that’s three of ’em–three TV shows that’ll have you talking to yourself. I love those magic tricks!

The Happiest Animal on Earth Is the Quokka | HowStuffWorks

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, March 8

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TV Guide July 12, 1982 Los Angeles... - Retro TV Listings ...

Greetings, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and willya look at that? They only gave me half a TV Guide sheet. But they wouldn’t like it if I have them only half a review.

Well, that’s not how we do things at Quokka University. We provide you with TV that the other networks are too scared or lazy to broadcast. TV like this.

Friday  7:30 p.m.   Ch. 64   PLASTIC BOOBY MEN FROM SCOTCH PLAINS–Science fiction/horror    You ain’t seen nothin’ till you’ve seen this! This is the TV show that’ll put Scotch Plains, NJ, on the map. This week: a hard-luck vampire (Bobby Darin) tries to organize a cattle drive from Scotch Plains to Scotland. Ramrod: Shemp Howard. Little Bo Peep: Angie Dickinson.

7:45 p.m.  Ch. 16   BLUNDER WOMAN–Incredible adventure

“Incredible” means unbelievable. But when you see Blunder Woman  (Charo),  get tangled up in TV aerials, you’ll believe it, all right! This week: Blunder Woman gets her undies stolen by super-villain Domgar the Schmendrick (Ingrid Bergman look-alike). Music by Patsy Rimsky-Korsakoff.

8 p.m.  Ch. 07   THE COCCYX–True crime, lots of gore

Who is this master criminal only known as “The Coccyx”? The audience knows, but Detective Sergeant Mylanta (Mickey Rivers), investigating the case, doesn’t have a clue! Which is too bad–because he’s the Chief’s top suspect! Chief: Sandy Duncan. Ghoulish private eye: Jackie Gleason look-alike.

Ch. 12  I’VE GOT A HYNIE!–Totally tasteless game show, you should be run over for watching it.

This is it–THE worst, most appalling, TV show ever, in which shameless former celebrities see who has the biggest… er, “cushion.” MC’ed by some idiot who insists he’s Pharaoh Ramses IV (nobody cares). He’s the one with the tape measure. Honestly, I’d rather not talk about this show. Let’s play some Yahtzee and forget about it.

And there you have it: Quokka University TV! I can’t wait to rush home, turn on the tube, and start watching.

I’m ready for massive entertainment!

Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas #animallovers ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 16

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TV Guide Magazine Covers Celebrate Daytime Soap Operas - Daytime Confidential

Poor old Leester–missed Valentine’s Day. Well, let’s bring it back! Courtesy of Quokka Uniiversity.

2 p.m.  Ch. 03   THEY’VE GOT MY GOAT!–Melodrama (kung-fu added)

You train your goat, Osbert. to do all these spectacular tricks… And then the Iron Boat Clan comes along and kidnaps him! Ma-Foo Yi: Soupy Sales. Wan Hung Lo: Dick Van Dyke. Tan Bu-Ting: Carol Burnett.

Ch. 15  BLUBBERY STATE VS SCOTLAND YARD–Sports

The Blubbery State squad had better be careful: Scotland Yard arrests the teams that oppose them. They’re not really college football players, you see. Coach Fundee picked them up in Indonesia somewhere. Play-by-Play: Rosie Ruction.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!–Grimly disturbing melodrama. Yves Montand starts as a Frenchman who is really bent out of shape by this development! Also featuring Rosemary De Camp as the Borax Lady.

Ch. 49  THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF THE OTHER TRISTRAM SHANDY WHO WAS NOT A GENTLEMAN– Archaic soap opera

Yes, there were two Tristram Shandys, and one of them (Charles Bronson) wasn’t very nice! Tonight: The good Tristram Shandy (Al Packa) invents a riding mower–only to have it stolen by the hurdy-gurdy man (Dan Rather). Mrs. Bluefish: (Irene Ryan)

Well, how do you like those apples?

30+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

I wonder if they’d let me borrow this bicycle…