Tag: silly TV shows

Byron’s TV Listings, July 23

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 2: 1980! | Branded in the 80s

G’day, world! Ready to relax with some indescribably great TV? Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University Weekend TV! Here are a few samples.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 04   THE PURGATIVES–Drama

The neighbors are up in arms when Joey Purgative (David Dinkins) names his dog “Gordon K. Willison.” Out come the torches and the pitchforks! Mr. Swamby: Glenn Strange. Mrs. Doohickey:  Heather Locklear.

Ch. 18   GUESS THE NEWS!–News/Game show

Host Bud Collier gives the celebrity panel (Paul Lynde, Robert Trout, Gloria De Haven, Princess Foozle of Qrebania) half a news story, and they have to guess the second half! Wrong guesses earn electric shocks for random people in the audience–the fun just never stops!

8 to 12 P.M.   Ch. 101  GROIN PULL TELETHON–Schnorring for money

Millions of people world-wide are afflicted with painful groin pulls that keep them from unrestricted movement–to say nothing of being able to dance and kick like this telethon’s stars, The June Taylor Dancers. Allen Ludden will keep track of the money pouring in, Claude Kirchner will tell you when it’s time to go to bed, and the June Taylor Dancers will show you what you can do if your groin gets better.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 44   MOVIE–Supernatural sports

In “Reggie Jackson’s Vengeful Ghost” (Greek-Ethiopian, 1996), the one-time slugger  (Frank Buxton, Richard Attenborough) vows to haunt every pitcher who ever struck him out–but that would be hundreds of pitchers! The real Reggie Jackson sued to stop the distribution of this film, but a vengeful judge dismissed it. Vengeful Phil Niekro: Max Von Sydow.  Phyllis Rizzuto: Barbara Stanwyck.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 57   STAGECOACH FULL OF IDIOTS–Western sitcom

Forget the clumsy title! This show has Soupy Sales transporting idiots to small Western towns that don’t have any. Red Skelton rides shotgun on “the Stagecoach from Hell.” This week, the passengers, led by “Thinks He’s Paladin” (Richard Boone), try to break out but can’t figure out how the door works.

Well, now, how about it? The best TV ever! I practically grew up on Stagecoach Full of Idiots–it was as good as a history lesson.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

This is Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 28

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

Note to readers: I have no idea why this ^%$#$ machine refuses to publish the TV guide page. This blog is behaving as if there were a curse on it.   LD

Look at this! The month of May is almost all used up.

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV shows that’ll pump you up and calm you down! Here are a few examples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   KANSAS CITY KONFIDENTIAL–Krime Drama

In “The Last Person to See Him Dead,” Lt. Fezziwig (Don Wilson) has discovered a diabolical plan to re-start the Roman Empire; and Deputy Chief Sheena (Irish McCalla) is investigated for barratry. Commissioner Chumley: Wallace Beery. Music by the McGuffin Middle School Band, directed by a ghost.

8 P.M. Ch. 07  YOUR SWEET REVENGE–Game show with Classical overtones

Originally the plan was to act out in real life some of the more gruesome acts of revenge taken by characters in Shakespeare’s plays. As it turned out, that was mostly against the law. Now contestants pelt each other with pies and the June Taylor Dancers… well, dance in the background. Host: Yuan Shih-kai.

8:08 P.M.  Ch. 14  NEWS WITH NEWTS–(You have to ask?)

Dan Rather’s back, and News with Newts has got him! In fact, he’s still trying to get George W. Bush kicked out of the White House. You’ll be amazed how he twists every news story we cover into an anti-Bush rant! Now all we have to do is somehow lure the newts back to the show. With Joey Heatherton and her orchestra.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 51  MARSHAL MEDEA–Western with ridiculous overtones

What would’ve happened if Medea (Sandy Duncan) left those Greek tragedies behind and went Out West to become a U.S. marshal in Popsy, Maryland–“the town too dead to die”? This question has vexed no one, ever. This week, Marshal Medea confronts the question of Maryland’s geographical location. Prof. Ringworm: Soupy Sales. Jolly sidekick: Alvin the Octopus.

Ch. 66   MOVIE–Suburban Adventure

In “Tarzan Makes a House Call” (French-Canadian-Etruscan, 1997), the Ape-Man (Spencer Tracy) is pressed into service as a pill-bearing doctor to a lot of neurotic women in a posh suburb of an even posher suburb. Jane: Angela Merkel. Suzie: Theda Bara. Saxon Warrior: Lon Chaney Jr. Note: Cardboard cutouts were used in place of real gorillas.

Well, now, that’s that! A whole weekend’s worth of glorious TV–who could ask for anything more? Well, okay, you could… but who would listen?

265 Quokka Smiling Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

You’ll never make it through “Marshal Medea” without a leafy snack! This is Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV May 1st through 7th, 1971

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and why watch the Stupor Bowl, when Quokka University has combed the secret corners of the earth to bring you the very best in television entertainment? Like these:

7:42 P.M.  Ch. 88   DANCE THE NEWS!–(Defies Analysis)

The day’s top news stories told in interpretive dance by the June Taylor Dancers! Host: Ayatollah Gabollah Shebang. Featuring some guy with a clear plastic bag over his head.

7:45 P.M.  Ch. 13   INSECT TREATS–Haut Cuisine

Well, the United Nations says we should all eat bugs, To Save The :Planet; and no one’s better at catching and eating creepy-crawlies than former mental patient Ike Renfield. Moths, beetles, leaf-hoppers, flies, spiders–if they’re on his rosebushes today, Ike’s eating them! Voice-overs: Marcel Marceau.

8:00 P.M.  Ch. 07   THE DISGUSTING RANCH–Western, Sci-Fi

Why do all the cattle raised on Mrs. Soggit’s (Molly Ringwald) land have three eyes, extra legs, horrible violent tempers, and smell funny? That meteorite that crashed into Mensa Mesa last year didn’t help! What otherworldly peril threatens the prairie? Professor Corbaccio: Burgess Meredith  A Seductress from Ypsilanti: Bette Davis.

Ch. 29   WHO’S GOT THE GOUT?–Game Show

If you’ve ever had gout, you know how exquisitely painful it is when someone accidentally bumps into your ankle or drops an encyclopedia on your knee. But how well can you hide your pain? Join hosts Chiang Kai-shek and Kathy Lee Crosby as they perform clumsy card tricks for gout patients who keep trying to escape. Featuring George “The Animal” Steele and his orchestra.

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 47   MOVIE–Medieval Romance

What happens when two knights (Alan Alda, Hulk Hogan) love the same woman–and they’re both idiots? “Lady Eleanor’s Breezy Boudoir” (Scottish-Tunisian, 1968) features Moe Howard in his only dramatic role as the tragic King Fritzenheimer and Ellen Mellen as ungainly Princess Haakenpantz. Music by Harvey’s Trained Crickets.

So there you go–who wants to watch the Stupor Bowl, anyway? TV shows like this increase your IQ! (It’s been proved by Science!)

Quokka Facts | Quokkas | Australian Marsupials

And this is Byron the Quokka, signing off…

 

 

 

Byron’s TV Listings (3/27)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of indescribably wonderful TV–just don’t ask me where it came from!

7:30 P.M.  02  MY MOTHER THE AXOLOTL–Science Fiction/Tragedy

Mom wants a new aquarium, but Henry’s biggest worry is the mad scientists who are trying to kidnap her and subject her to really weird experiments. Mom: Suzanne Pleshett. Henry: Andre the Giant. Mad Professor: Gregory Peck.

03  DR. HANGHAM, PUBLIC NUISANCE–Western

Former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair makes his dramatic debut as Dr. Frank Hangham, master of totally unnecessary amputations in the Old West town of Nose Hairs, Nevada. Filmed in Hungary, with real Munchkins. Sheriff Chilblain: Mikhail Gorbachev. Mayor McCrackers: Sally Field  Drunken Slattern: (Name Withheld)

7:14 P.M.  06  NEWS–Pee Wee Herman

8 P.M.  10  ANGELA MERKEL’S VARIETY HOUR–Variety

The perky, bubbly chancellor of Germany hosts Roderick Usher and his sock puppets, world self-face-slapping champion Marcus Carcass, a man who thinks he’s a poached egg, and the June Taylor Dancers. With Willie Sutton and his orchestra.

11  MOVIE–Mystery

“The Murders Under the Mailbox” (1988) Directed by children randomly chosen from fourth and fifth grades at recess, this stylish thriller features former NY Mets catcher Clarence “Choo Choo” Coleman as a detective haunted by his past–and by his mischievous imp of a daughter (Barbra Streisand). Guest Star: Some guy from Egypt, I can’t spell his name.

13  THREE STOOGES FASHION SHOW–Fashion/Drama

Rescued from the vaults of Atlantis, this forgotten series has it all–high fashion, shockingly expensive gowns, pie fights, eye-pokings, and prat falls. Slippery floors galore! Moe, Larry, and Curly with celebrity guests who don’t mind being humiliated on national TV. Special guest: Prince Philip.

An Experiment: My Own TV Listings

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide

I’m still intrigued by yesterday’s post about TV listings. I mean, could I do that–summarize the content of a show in less than 20 words? Well, the only way to find out is to try.

Let me imagine myself sometime back in the early 1960s, reading the listings of some TV shows invented for the purpose at hand. Let me try now.

Blithering Smith World’s dumbest railroad detective finds someone even dumber. Guest spot by Twiggy as a talking sapling.

Movie “I’ve Got Hives” (1951) Itchy case of hives spawns new dance craze! Prof. Bunion: Leo Gorcy. Violet Crepuscular: Brigitte Bardot. [Oops! One word too long!]

“Pull, You Broken-Down Wretches!” The art of plowing with reluctant mules. Host: Charles DeGaulle.

I’ve Got a Goiter (Game Show). Live from Indecent Exposure, Missouri. Guest Host: Taduszjwier Gzjsweiner.

Gastro Boy (Cartoon Series) Dr. Fap programs the robot to eat bugs, with unforeseen results.

Whew! I’m getting a hot head doing this, I’d better stop for a while. I had no idea it was so hard!