Category: Just for Fun

What Makes Her ‘The Queen of Suspense’? (Oy, Rodney)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

What makes Violet Crepuscular “The Queen of Suspense”? What makes Oy, Rodney “the greatest epic romance since “The Odyssey”? These questions have occupied virtually nobody, ever.

Be that as it may, Constable Chumley, finally freed from the outhouse, has a plan to rescue the Royal Millipede Inspector from the Picts [there should be a footnote here, but it seems to have been lost]. “The Chumleys have fought 800 years of war against the Picts,” writes Ms. Crepuscular, introducing Chapter DCCVII of her timeless romance. So you see, it’s not just “epic.”

Explaining his plan, the constable asserts, “Yawph’n hannigal, yer vayvin!” As the plan involves building a fleet of invincible warships and training an entire generation of Scurveyshire in the arts of seamanship, Lord Jeremy Coldsore, Justice of the Peace, has been slow to approve the scheme. “I don’t think the inspector can wait that long, old chap,” he says.

The inspector has meanwhile married the daughter of the Pictish chieftain and has introduced the whole Pictish nation to the finer points of millipede husbandy. This marks a watershed in Pictish history.

“In weeks to come,” Ms. Crepuscular galvasticates, “I will write more chapters of this romance. I was going to take suggestions from readers, but the ones I got were distinctly impolite!”

The Leaf-Diving Dog

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Her name is Stella, and she has developed diving into piles of dead leaves into a fine art. If they ever make it an Olympic sport, she’s already won the gold.

How many of us dive into big piles of dead leaves?

Byron’s TV Listings, March 30

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 20th through 26th, 1982

G’day, buoys ‘n’ gulls!Byron the Quokka here with another weekend of TV paradise, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a tantalizing sample of the fare.

5 P.M.  Ch. 17   SILLY COSTUMES NEWS–News in silly costumes (what else did you expect?)

You’ve got to admit the evening news is a lot more fun if all the anchors and reporters have to dress up in silly costumes! Like, Dan Rather sitting at a news desk is nothing special: but if he’s sitting there in a bunny suit with floppy ears,well, then you’ve got something! Sports: Some guy done up as The Cat in the Hat.

Ch. 27  MOVIE–One of those ‘Lost World’ thingies

Scary Dinosaurs in the Stop & Shop (Canadian-Mycenaean, 1988: 14 minutes) established director Tan Bu Ting as “the king of dinosaurs-in-the-supermarket movies.” Can a teenaged couple (Linda Hunt, Wade Boggs) get out of the cereal aisle alive, before the Palukaraptor gets them? Store manager: Adolph Menjou.

5:36 P.M.   Ch. 08  THE SPY WHO PINCHED MY BOTTOM–(You won’t believe how bad this is)

Louis Jourdan plays the ultra-suave secret agent who goes around pinching women’s bottoms and blaming it on the KGB. Best remembered for its horrible West German music score, this NATO TV series launched the janitorial career of Patrick “Pony Boy” McMegalon.

6 P.M.  Ch. 58   JIMMY FRAUD’S CENTER STAGE–Variety

The hard-hitting local cable TV reporter has a new gig as host of a variety show featuring acts no one else wants! This week: the Puncture-Proof Knife Throwers; Poopy the Dog; Sando the Invisible Magician; the June Taylor Dancers vs. the Imitation June Taylor Dancers in a winner-take-all bowling match. Special guest: the world’s greatest Beto O’Rourke mimic!

Well, folks, if these shows don’t do it for you, I’m going back to Rottnest Island. [Pssst! You’re already on Rottnest Island!]

Quokka

Ah, well: if you’ve got tasty green leaves, what else do you need?

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

How to Confuse a Fox

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There used to be a couple of deer in my neighborhood who stopped and listened if you whistled a tune for them. But I don’t think this fox can quite decide how he ought to respond to banjo music. Maybe he ought to talk to our deer.

Shoe Thief!

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Our cat Robbie, when she was a kitten, liked to carry slippers around the living room. Here’s a cat who takes that a giant step farther. Eighty shoes! What does anybody need with eighty shoes? I’d love to understand this cat’s thinking.

Baby Elephant’s Curiosity

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Elephants don’t get many opportunities to enjoy a bus ride. Here’s a baby elephant trying to board a safari bus. The mother elephant gently prevents it. Who knows where the baby might wind up, once she’s on the bus?

‘By Request, From “The Theologian and the Assassin,” (Bell Mountain Chapter 13) (2019)

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The Cellar Beneath the Cellar (Bell Mountain, 2) - Kindle ...

(The “e” is a Global E-Book Award!)

Every now and then I remember that this blog was set up to tell people about my books and hopefully sell some of them.

Here’s a sample taken from Chapter 13 of Bell Mountain (Vol. 1), requested by Joshua:

By Request: from ‘The Theologian and the Assassin’ (Bell Mountain Chapter 13)

Ah, Lord Reesh! What a wonderful villain he was.

Anyway, you can read up on the whole Bell Mountain series right here on this blog, and order them via amazon.com or http://www.chalcedon.edu/store  .

Baby Elephant Cops an Attitude

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We are told this baby elephant is having a tantrum–over what, who knows? I was afraid he might be sick; but when the adult elephants paid no attention to his demonstration, he seemed pretty quick to give it up. Lesson to humans here?

Chickens Rule!

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How did “chicken” ever come to mean “chicken”? Man, these hens and roosters are kicking eagles down the stairs! Why do the eagles even bother? Maybe, as Ian Malcolm said in The Lost World, “They are misinformed.”

The Love Song of J. Alfred Chumley (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

“It seems the whole world wants to read Constable Chumley’s poem–the sonnet he wrote on the wall when he was locked in the outhouse,” writes Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, introducing Chapter DCCVI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “In Manchuria alone, two readers, Mr. and Mrs. Hercule Columbo, passionately pled with me to publish the poem.”

“Here it is,” she continues, “in his own words as written:

Whan fithy gurs pertenteth yawl,

Tis mickle aethwy gebreckin hawl.”

She was a bit shy about offering a translation; but as Al Capone once said, “You can get more with a kind word, and a gun, than you can get with just a kind word.”

Here are the lines as spoken in English by persons who are not Constable Chumley.

“Here I sit, broken-hearted:

Paid my dime and only farted!”

(“It’s really quite a bit more elegant in its original dialect!” Ms. Crepuscular insists. “I tell you, that guy Chaucer’s got nothing on the constable!”)

We take this opportunity to remind Ms. Crepuscular that Pictish invaders have made off with Scurveyshire’s park bench and (!) the Royal Millipede Inspector who was sleeping on it at the time. She really must do something about this!