Tag: crazy TV shows

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 10

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The Essential TV Guide Fall Preview Issues of the 80s, Part ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s TV gold prospected by Quokka University! Here’s just the merest sample of the inexpressible delights that await you.

2:35 A.M.  Ch. 82  THE PEOPLE’S COURT VS. CHALLENGE OF THE GO-BOTS–(It defies description)

Inspired by an actual TV Guide page from 1985, this show was created by Soviet scientists in a last-ditch effort to preserve the Soviet Union. Well, it all depends on what you mean by “preserving the Soviet Union,” doesn’t it?

5:59 A.M.  Ch. 33  COOKING WHILE YOU’RE HALF-ASLEEP–Kitchen magic

Join Chef Giuseppe as he tries to get by on three hours’ sleep. With his assistants, Stumpy and One-eyed Jack, Chef Giuseppe was voted Customer of the Year by the Pokesdale Fire Dept. Today: “First Chase Out the Rats!” Guest appearance by the June Taylor Dancers, “It’s Your Coccyx, Baby.”

6:14 A.M.  Ch. 14  HISTORY’S GREAT SPEECHES IN PIG LATIN–(They’re kidding, right?) 

Have you ever wondered how William Jennings Bryan’s “Cross of Gold” speech would have sounded in Pig Latin? How about Winston Churchill’s “We Shall Fight Them on the Beaches”? America’s most infamous tongue-tied actors make it come alive! Your host: Some guy who looks like a jellyfish.

7 A.M.  Ch. 08   MOVIE (Mystery, suspense, and lot of footsie)

Chou En-lai stars as private eye Pinky McWart, the last survivor of a civilization never noticed by historians, in I Got Rhythm I Don’t Need (Serbo-Croatian, 1963: 641 minutes). Produced and sponsored by Spam, we believe this movie is why Chou is not premiere of China anymore. Featured song: “I Gargle Uncontrollably.”

Ch. 16   BEAT THE CROC–News and game show

While anchors Tom Babbo and Libby Przewalski read the news, daredevil contestants try to swim across the pool before Charlie and Ethan, the crocodiles, can pull them under and devour them. “Watching this makes me feel human again!” says a famous political figure (we dassn’t tell you who).

Well, how about that for pure entertainment? Makes you want to curl up and let the world go by!

The Quokka: The World's Happiest Animal – Quokka Hub

If you want to go swimming, say hello to the sharks. Much better you should stay on dry land. Here, have some nice leaves… Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 20

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TV Guide Dec 3-9 1977 (4) - Flashbak

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here–and is this new year whizzing by, or what? January’s almost over, and it only just started! Better slow down and relax with some of Quokka University’s vintage television.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 15  THE FLOTSAMS–Sitcom

Mr. Flotsam (Antonino Rocca) finds his pet amoeba, Jingles (voice of Luciano Pavarotti), can’t sing loud enough to be heard. Mrs. Flotsam (Linda Hunt). The Lost Trucker (Name Not Known).

Ch. 41  NEWS & PRO WRESTLING–One’s more fake than another

How about you put the news anchor’s desk in the middle of a wrestling ring while a tag-team match is going on? Anchor Willie Makit perseveres while mayhem is committed on his desk and all around it by Tarzan Tyler and Johnny Rodz vs. The Mongols. Bonus Feature: Interview with renowned economics professor Steve Blass broken up by Hulk Hogan and Spaceman Frank Hickey.

8 P.M.  Ch. 07  MOVIE–Crazy stunts with antique aeroplanes

In “Shoot My Coccyx” (Ethiopian, 2016: 398 minutes), World War I flying aces Billy Bollix (Sam Snead) and Herrmann Vermann (Andre the Giant) go all-out to shoot each other down–and heaven help anyone who gets in the way! Baron Einsweidrei (Kurt Jurgens). General LeFong (This guy from Hee Haw). Ground crew: The June Tasylor Dancers

Ch. 38  HAVE GUB, WILL TARVEL–Dyslexic Western

Beto O’Rourke (remember him?) stars as dyslexic gunslinger Adolphe Menjou, always in trouble because he can’t read or remember his instructions. Tonight: Adolphe mistakes his true love Kitty (Maggie Smith) for bad guy Black Bart Bartell (Tab Hunter) and shoots her dead–in front of 47 witnesses.Song: “Evening in Khartoum with Dervishes.”

Folks, that’s just a sample of the fabulous TV we’ve got lined up for you this weekend. I never miss an episode of  The Flotsams!

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

Cousin Veezy has color TV–I hope he’s home today! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 6

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A Review of the 1973 TV Guide Fall Preview Issue | Cavalcade ...

Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here–and if our Quokka University TV this weekend isn’t better than those shows in TV Guide, I’ll eat your hat!

A brief sampling:

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 09  THE EVIL FAMILY OF LUNATICS–Dark melodrama

Meet the Crackpot Family (Jackie Gleason, Susan Sontag, Mel Gibson, Sally Struthers, and Alvin the Octopus)–thieves, frauds, and (we blush to say it) cannibals! Tonight: The Crackpots ambush a wagon train led by a man who thinks he’s Achilles (Soupy Sales). Special guest star: Pat Sajak from “Wheel of Fortune.”

Ch. 14   MI TIO ESTA ENFERMO–A challenge to viewers

Never mind the Spanish title, which means “My uncle is sick.” In this series, every character speaks a different language and no one understands anybody else. “May be the worst TV show ever!” writes a famous critic who doesn’t want anyone to know he watches this garbage. Wait’ll you hear Ricardo Montalban trying to speak Hawaiian.

5 P.M.  Ch. 03   NEBBISH NEWS–For pitiful, ineffectual nobodies

“There are more of us out there than you thought!” is anchorwoman Marcie Pangolin’s motto. News stories specially selected for timid, submissive, downtrodden schmoes. Tonight: Sports teams that refuse to try to win. Reported by some very shy person who will not give his name or appear on camera.

5:07 P.M.  Ch. 89  MOVIE–Murder mystery with lizards

Nobody Home in Bubo’s House (Austro-Hungarian, 1966; 940 minutes) stars persons drafted off the street, plus Tab Hunter as the maniacal Dr. Skwitt, who has trained small lizards to terrorize the city of Prague. Notable for being the only movie that Sen. Jacob Javits ever appeared in, and that by accident. And he split his pants, too.

Well now, folks, you can’t go far wrong with any one of these shows; and there are, of course, many more. Load up on snacks!

Adorable Quokka enjoying a leafy snack

The blue tag is pretty tasty, too; but you’re better off sticking to leaves.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 9

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A Review of the 1973 TV Guide Fall Preview Issue | Cavalcade of Awesome

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s “Save Your Sanity” campaign–save it by watching these cool TV shows. Like for instance…

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 06  MacTavish of the Jungle–Adventure

A Scottish crossword puzzle expert (Jose Valdivielso), marooned in the jungle, has to live by his wits! This week: Chief O’Brien (Phil Rizzuto) hears a rumor that the cannibals are coming; it’s up to MacTavish to cool him off before he explodes. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers, “Song of the Coccyx.”

Ch. 18  NINNY NEWS WITH BILL BANIPAL–Assyrian Empire news

“Ninny” means “Nineveh,” the ancient capital of the Assyrian Empire. What would the news look like if that empire still existed? If it ruled the world? Anchor Bill Banipal, with some aunt of his, tackles questions that have troubled hardly anyone at all, ever. Sponsored by Turtle Wax and Fong’s Dental Floss!

7:12 P.M.  Ch. 88   MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

Directed by Luther Rackley, who once played in the NBA, and starring Susan Sontag and Red Buttons, Oedipus Wrecks (363 minutes) updates the classical Greek tragedy to modern times and makes it about a small towing firm down on its luck. Written by monkeys! Queen Jocasta: Barbara Billingsley–with Jerry Mathers as the Sphinx. Voted “Most Appalling Film of 1958.”

8 P.M.  Ch. 29  COLLIDGE BOLE–Game show for doozies

Hogmouth University’s team of crash test dummies–they have yet to score a point, but keep winning their matches–takes on Yale’s “Straight A’s Brigade.” Last time they were here, Yale scored negative 32 by incorrectly finishing the sentence, “What goes up must come ____.” Moderator: Some guy from OPEC.

Well, now, how’s that for stellar television! My nest could be filling up with water and if I was watching Ninny News, I’d never notice till my potato chips got wet!

Quokkas Setonix brachyurus marsupials native to Rottnest ...

Me and Cousin Feezy checking out a seemingly abandoned bicycle.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 28

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TV Guide Magazine: The Cover Archive 1953 - today! | 1988 | March 12, 1988

{I couldn’t resist this TV Guide cover. This was the question that drove the Sphinx to jump off the cliff.)

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with your TV menu for the weekend. Best shows that were ever on the air! Like these–

7 P.M.   Ch. 33  BLANDED!–Dyslexic Western

Kevin Gupta stars as Jason Mason, drummed out of the U.S. Cavalry for mixing up his R’s and L’s. You can’t say “It was a gland palade” and get away with it. This week: “Plobrems with the Erection.” Genelar Glant: Petel Fark.

Ch. 61  61 MINUTES: THIS IS NEWS–No, it’s not

Co-anchors Popeye Schmidt and Fanny Vavoom lead a news team whose every member has had to be rescued from getting lost in small suburban parks. Sports anchor Wes Shambler got lost in his own living room! Tonight: Interview with presidential hopeful Ozzie Schlubb.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   HOLD YOUR BREATH–Game show

How long can these contestants stay under water? Host Doc Swivvle asks the questions that must be answered correctly before you’re allowed a breath of air. (“What is the sound of one hand clapping?” gets ’em every time.) Special guest: This really cool guy we met somewhere.

8 P.M.  Ch. 42  THE DANCING DETECTIVES–Musical crime drama

The June Taylor Dancers star as the Detective Division of the Pinchy Corners, NJ, Police Dept.–and dance their way to the solution of the crime! This week: The old Batman villains scheme to throw the Dancers out of rhythm and trick them into dancing into a particularly nasty mud puddle. See if you can guess which villain is being played by Mary Stupid!

There–if that doesn’t rake in the viewers, I don’t know what will.

Playful Quokka Jumping

Here’s me trying out for the June Taylor Dancers!

P.S., to Those Who Have Advised Me to Relax: That’s just what I’m gonna do right now, for the rest of the day.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 21

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Tonight's US television… in 1972 - Schedules - Transdiffusion Broadcasting System

G’day–and only ten of ’em left till Halloween! Byron the Quokka here, with a weekend’s worth of dazzling TV guaranteed to make you grow another three inches. Here are a few samples.

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 09  MUCH ALIEN GROWTH ON YOUR BODY PARTS–Health and wellness

Chinese government TV produced this series in the 1960s, for reasons that have been lost in the archives. It was canceled when the host, Ren-ren Chiang, hired as a Chairman Mao look-alike, complained on the air about unsightly warts around his navel. He, too, has been lost in the archives.

Ch. 51  CLEON THE PEON–Situation tragedy

How does a former tyrant and money man adjust to being a slave in a houseful of zombies? Marco Schnitzel co-stars with The Near-sighted Mr. Magoo (voice of Jim Backus) in Croatia’s first TV show that combines live action with cartoons. Only six episodes were made before copyright infringement laws kicked in.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 16  WORD SALAD NEWS–Defies description

News is much more digestible when you have no idea what they’re talking about! Giggling Gloria Gotz anchors a team of inarticulate cackling “reporters” who can’t make themselves understood. Tonight: Babbling Bertha Bnix interviews Vice President Whatsername.

7 P.M.   Ch. 25  DR. FANABLA–Miracle cures

“I fell down the steps and now my coccyx is pointing the wrong way! It looks like a tail! Everyone makes fun of me!” This is the problem facing Dr. Fanabla tonight: Can his Alpine yodeling correct the condition? Featured: the Borax 20-Mule Team Band, conducted by a pair of armadillos.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE–Musical with sinister overtones

What happens if you put Mecha-Godzilla up against the June Taylor Dancers? Tune in to Robot Monster vs. Tokyo (Japanese-Hittite, 1971: 2,419 minutes) and find out! See if you can catch Alfred Hitchcock’s cameo as one of the Dancers. A life-altering achievement! Roy Rogers: Himself.

Well, I can’t say that’ll get you all the way to Halloween, but it should at least get you to next weekend.

Cruzy Suzy - Sweet as pumpkin pie 🍂🍁🎃 #quokka #quokkas ...

Who says we can’t get pumpkins on Rottnest Island?

 

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 7

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 12th through 18th, 1977

Crikey, Halloween is comin’ atcha fast! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s wealth of television entertainment which may or may not get you pumped for Halloween. Here’s a sample:

6:48 P.M.  Ch. 08  HAMSTER NEWS–Just what it sounds like

This is the replacement for “Guinea Pig News.” It features hamsters running around squeaking. And it’s creeping up on the mainstream news shows in the ratings. Archie the Anchor doesn’t speak a word of any human language… but who cares?

7 P.M.  Ch.14  A CLASSFUL OF IDIOTS–Grim and terrible sitcom

High school English teacher Floyd Grendel (William Conrad) has more than he can handle with this roomful of happy-go-lucky violent psychopaths. Tonight: Too late to stop the human sacrifice in study hall, Floyd agrees to a blind date… but is she human? Annie: Debi Gesundheit.

Ch. 61  YOU BET YOUR VITAL ORGANS–Game show

Join host Jimmy “Bug Boy” Fraud for a game that’s literally life and death! Contestants who desperately need organ transplants take on a panel of Shaolin monks in a studio stickball game (really, we don’t know what we’re saying half the time).

7:39 P.M.  Movie–Lots of jidrools in dinosaur suits

Jackie Chan stars as a washed-up Shakespearean actor who sics Barney the Dinosaur on his critics (“If you think I was bad in King Lear, wait’ll you see this!”) The is the only film put out by Beezer Productions, filmed on location in Bumpus City, Croatia. 887 minutes. The Oaktag Kid: Liu Chia Hui  My Little Margie: Sarah Heartburn. 18th Parachute Regiment: The June Taylor Dancers.

That should be enough to get you started! Trivial Fun Fact: Some of the June Taylor Dancers actually cried when they were pushed out of the plane. Makes you think, eh?

Australia, curious Quokka with bicycle on Rottnest Island ...

Waiting for the show to start, I’ll check out this bicycle. Maybe we can make it a comment contest prize. Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 30

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

It’s only Sept. 30 and you poor folks up in New Jersey are freezing your fritters off. G’day–or not! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of nefandous TV brought to you by Quokka University! Here’s a sample:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14  TEACH YOUR DOG TO READ!–(It’s a scam)

Remember how upset people got when it was revealed that the dog wasn’t really reading? Hoo-boy! And the talking dog was just a front for a parakeet who could recite the Gettysburg Address. Host Richard Spumoni narrowly escaped a mob of angry pitchfork-wavers. Seems that “You Can Teach Your Dog to Read” instruction book was literally a steal–at $395.99.

Ch. 23  NEW YORK FLABBIES HAIRBALL–Live sports

The Flabbies take on the Minneapolis Tons O’ Fun at Warren G. Harding Field–and this time the Hairball is guaranteed not to fall apart and blow away. It always confuses the athletes when that happens. Play-by-play: Elizabeth Warren. Color commentary: Some guy with an octopus mask.

7:46 P.M.   Ch. 30  ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ NEWS–News & commentary

Some of us really like news anchors who keep saying “We told you this would happen!” No matter what it is, they saw it coming and now they can say “You should have listened to us! When are you blockheads going to listen to us!” Dan Rather came out of retirement to do this show! Sports: Jimmy Homunculus.

8 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE–Tragicomedy with puppets

“The Golden City Full of Gold” (Serbo-Peruvian, 2001: 18 minutes) stars Freida Myce and Mr. Clean as explorers searching for a lost city inhabited by credulous maniacs. Contact with this civilization was lost when S&H Green Stamps went out of business! Professor Fondue: Henry Fonda. Kung-Fu Sally: Mary Tyler Moore. Whole army of maniacs: the June Taylor Dancers.

I don’t know how many times I’ve watched that “Golden City” movie. I still have a couple of books full of Green Stamps.

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 | Shutterstock

(I hope they’re home: my TV won’t work today.)

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 9

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV July 31st through August 6th, 1982

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here are a few samples.

6:05 P.M.  Ch. 02  SPECIAL: ONE OF OUR NINNIES IS MISSING

Where is Joe Collidge? Last seen taking a TikTok Challenge to gargle with Acme Linoleum Cleaner, he failed to show up yesterday for his weekly essay. Our Special Panel investigates! Panel members: Col. John D. Craig, Will and Ariel Durant, Phyllis Diller, and Pee Wee Herman. With the June Taylor Dancers.

6:15 P.M.  Ch. 18  COWBOY NEWS WITH BOB SZSIKSZID–News and commentary

Cowboy City, which flourished in Hungary in 1886, has become the subject of a frantic search by frantic archaeologists. Plus sports with Elvin the Squirrel, a middle school staffed by fired police officers, and a new way of singing with one’s mouth full of Good & Plenty candy.

7 P.M.   Ch. 22  MOVIE–“The Tammy Movie That They Couldn’t Show’

We had a tough time getting this! Irene “Granny” Ryan has the title role in Tammy and the Impolite Zombies (Dutch, 1961: 476 minutes), with an all-star cast you never heard of. Can the sprightly young maiden drive hideous zombies out of her local sub shop? Mr. Beezer: Alan Alda. Maniacal Zombie chief: Andy Devine. Song: “I Can’t Find My Coccyx with Both Hands.”

Ch. 37  IVY LEAGUE HEAD-BUTTING–(It’s supposed to be a sport)

Join host Vlad “the Impaler” McKool as teams from Harvard and Columbia Universities square off to see who has the hardest heads! (The exclamation mark makes it exciting!) Winning team gets to dump its whole stock of Bud Lite. Consolation Prize: a month’s supply of out-of-date Acme Turtle Food.

Well, that should be enough to get you going. I never thought Irene Ryan could play Tammy… and I guess I was right.

Is the Quokka a Real Animal? | Snopes.com

We’re all getting together for a TV party at Jack’s Scuba Shop!

Byron’s TV Listings [Emergency Edition]

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TV Guide Magazine | Southern California Edition Listings for… | Flickr

Greetings, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, trying to clean up the mess made here by Verizon this past weekend. And they lied about it, too. “Please, Byron, fix it!” Yeah, boss. Comin’ right up. But first, some TV listings.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 09  TRUE OR FALSE?–Game show

This week: Are “Flushable Wipes” really flushable? Watch hapless contests test several brands to see! Host: Sir Cedric Snurr, Fifth Earl of Pooh. Special cameo appearance by the June Taylor Dancers; their wipes turned out to be not flushable.

Ch. 10  COCCYX BUSTERS!–Another game show

You know those chairs you have in front of your desk, for people to sit in if they have to talk to you? They’re always so uncomfortable! Join host Genghis Khan as he experiments to find out which company’s chairs are hardest to sit in–and watch the poor guests squirm, trying to get comfy!

7:44 P. M.  Ch. 14   NEWS FROM OTHER PLANETS–Ridiculous!

Join anchorwoman Elizabeth Warren and her stable of psychics as they intuit the news from other planets! Tonight: How Jupiter deals with nuisance phone calls; a whole galaxy without Internet access; and the latest Martian fashions.

8 P.M.   Ch. 62  MOVIE–(indescribable: take two of these pills and go to bed)

In Major Alfalfa’s Cattle Drive, Wyatt Earp (Linda Hunt) tries to stop the Major  (William Shatner) from driving his herd of longhorns from Pittsburgh to Pitcairn Island. Condemned by the President’s Council on Geography That Isn’t B.S.

Well, that’s all I could scrape up at short notice. Where’s Violet Crepuscular when you need her?

1,200+ Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock | Quokka selfie, Quokka smile, Quokka smiling

“Bring back the viewers–who? Me?” Byron the Quokka signing off.