Tag: crazy TV shows

Byron’s TV Listings, June 17

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TV Guide March 22-28 1980 (3) | www.scanagogo.com | Retrohound | Flickr

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University. It’s a good thing Lee put this off for a while: somehow a lot of silly stuff crept in and I had to get rid of it. Only good stuff left! Like these:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 11   MAMA GESUNDHEIT’S ROWBOAT–Sitcom

Eccentric billionaire Mama Gesundheit (Linda Hunt) takes deserving couples for rowboat rides on The Lake of No Return; and few of them are ever seen again! This week: newlywed kung-fu experts Steve and Bessie (Eddie Albert, Dame Judith Anderson) try to take over the rowboat. Song: “How Dry I Am.”

Ch. 14   HOUSEBREAKING DANGEROUS WILD ANIMALS–Educational

Now that you’ve got your 9-foot-long Komodo dragon, how do you get him not to mess up your house? Ed “Stumpy” Fongo risks his life to show you how! Also: What to do when your wolverine gets cranky.

7:45 P.M.  NEWS FOR NINNIES–News & commentary

Do you believe everything you see on TV? If you do, this is the news show for you! Tonight: Baker makes exploding wedding cake; high school football star talks backwards; U.S. Senator says Guam is drifting off its location and must be towed back. Anchor: This guy who talks like Popeye the Sailor.

8 P.M.  MOVIE–Medical thriller

In “The Spandex Epidemic” (Bulgarian, 1991; 455 minutes), horrible weather cuts off from civilization a scientific base in Antarctica–and everyone’s clothes turn into Spandex. Dr. Phil: Mike Mazurki. Dr. Phyllis: Jane Seymour. Dr. Philbert: Orville Redenbacher. Alfred Hitchcock, much against his will, makes a cameo that will give you fits!

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this afternoon. We’re trying very hard to bring you only serious dramatic fare.

Cute quokka now jumping for joy | news.com.au — Australia's leading news site

Hurry home before the broadcasts start! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, April 29

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 18th through 24th, 1979

G’day, TV connoisseurs! (Holy cow, I spelled it right!) Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University, home of the QU Humans nationally-ranked Pick-up Sticks team! And here’s a sample of what we’ve got in store for you this weekend.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 04   FLAB-FACE!–Crime drama

You won’t believe how this private eye solves crimes! Neither will the police. Behind that shapeless blob of flab lies an even more shapeless blob of flab! Tonight: Flabby breaks up an illegal rhyming ring. Lt. Bigelow: Rod Steiger. Secret agents disguised as mendicant nuns: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 09   EATING THE THINGS THAT EAT YOU–Indescribable

The Parasite Gourmet, John Stink, shows you how to turn the tables on fleas, mosquitoes–all right, better stop there. They didn’t call it “the most disgusting show on television” for nothing. Host and Chief Cookie-Tosser: Ed McMahon.

7:45 P.M.   Ch. 22   THE SPOOLGE REPORT–News & Commentary

“The news that no one else will touch with a ten-foot pole!” boasts anchorman Hyman Spoolge (who is only half-human). Tonight: Roving Reporter Janice Panic continues her series on “Old Ladies Who Drop Stitches.” Consumer Reporter Todd Shing: “What To Buy When You Has No Money.”

8 P.M.   Ch. 71  THE BLITHERERS–Sitcom spoken in tongues

What? You don’t understand what Ma Blitherer (Sandy Duncan) is saying? Well, neither does anybody else! Tonight: Pa Blitherer (Antonino Rocca) tries to get a plumber to the house before they all drown. Dancing Plumbers Team: June Taylor Dancers. Dancing grape thieves: Mrs. White’s college-age Fourth Grade.

Ch. 52   MOVIE–Unbearable horror that might overthrow your reason

In “Gargoyles XII: Unemployment!” (Irish/Czechoslovakian, 1982: 550 minutes), the whole family is dismissed from their posts atop the Amboy Cineplex and has to apply for unemployment benefits. Follow Bluuxt and Glwwbbwych and the twins, Shshink and Yuipphf, as they try to navigate a maze of bureaucratic hoop-jumping. All Gargoyles played by cephalopods! Unemployment Counselor: Froggy the Gremlin. No humans were injured or killed in making this movie!

I know, I know–you hardly know where to start. These shows are just so great!

Quokka Stock Photos, Royalty Free Quokka Images | Depositphotos

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, April 1

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide 3-9 September 1966

G’day, g’day! And welcome to another weekend of fantabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University, arranged by me, Byron the Quokka. Here’s a mere sample of our glorious menu.

7 P.M.   Ch. 09   SHADOOF!–Classic sitcom

The man they call “Shadoof” (Clint Walker) doesn’t know what that word means, and neither does anybody else. You won’t know, either. Tonight: Shadoof gets caught up in a illegal gumball racket. Mr. Big: Linda Hunt. Zorro: Fernando Lamas. (We don’t have any shadoofs on Rottnest Island, so don’t ask me what it is!)

Ch. 12   BASEBALL–New York Yankee Rejects vs. Parkville Home for the Aged

Red-hot prospects who never made the team take on 80-plus-year-olds at Municipal Landfill Stadium. Announcers: Gary Abdel-Shawabti, Stammerin’ Joe Jugurtha, Marcel Marceau. Sponsored by Magma-Fest Beer, “When you’re having more than six.”

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 22   SUPER-SNAIL–Adventure

Incompetent gardener Hector Oops (Sir John Gielgud), bitten by a were-snail, develops snail-like attributes and launches into a career of slow-motion crime-stopping! Tonight: Have the June Taylor Dancers (Themselves, the whole gang of them) kidnapped a man who’s stayed awake too long? Super-Snail investigates!

7:41 P.M.   Ch. 36   COMPULSIVE LIAR NEWS–News & commentary

Not a single word of it is true! Anchor Roger Dimmsdale (not his real name) interviews a man who falsely claims to be President Lyndon Johnson. Consumer reporter Ellen Melon (not her real name, and she’s not a real reporter) pans bathroom products that do not in fact exist–Dran-O For Kids and Newman’s Own Borax Shampoo.

8 P.M.   Ch. 61   MOVIE–Almost-classic film noir

Some guy from my high school class stars as private eye Ogden Nash in “I Live Face-Down, You Crummy Clown” (Tibetan, 1969: 22 minutes). Set in a Florida alligator farm, “the rhyming detective” tries to nab a serial murder (Debbie Reynolds) before she can qualify for a guest spot on “Hollywood Squares.” Host: Peter Marshall. Widely-condemned music by Joe Frazier and the Knockouts.

So there you have it–better stock up on goodies before the shows start!

Quokka running along pavement, Rottnest island - License, download or print for £12.06 | Photos | Picfair

On my way to get more scrumptious leaves!

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 25

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1976

G’day, fellow TV connoisseurs (however you spell it)! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of gloriously edifying TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University. Honest, any day now, we’ll start offering courses. Meanwhile, here’s a sample of red-hot television:

3 P.M.  Ch. 09  DEADLY DANCERS–Crime Drama

The June Taylor Dancers star as high-kickin’ women who are also the Mob’s favorite hit men! Tonight: A rival mob boss (Hugh Downs) trains fierce armadillos to attack the Dancers. Joey Colooch: B.D. Wong. Thutmosis III: Unknown Egyptian actor who came in out of nowhere. Song: “Afflicted by Chiggers.”

Ch. 12  STICKS & STONES–Game show

Celebrity guests are pelted with sticks and stones by the studio audience! (It’s OK, they’re well-paid.) Last celeb standing wins a 5-film contract. Tonight: Chuck Connors, Cher, and Elizabeth Warren. Host: Wayne Newton (until he gets plunked, too).

3:30 P.M.  Ch. 18  TENTACLES!–Sitcom (we think)

See Alvin the Octopus in his breakthrough role as Mr. Squidgy, the air-breathing, short-tempered giant octopus who teaches English Grammar at Jim Bob Booker High School. Don’t say “ain’t got no” in Mr. Squidgy’s class! This week: Mr. Squidgy helps honor student Mary Sue (Heather Locklear) rob a bank. Principal: Sophia Loren.

4 P.M.  Ch. 03  HERE AND NOW–News and commentary

Exclusive fairy news! Gnomes and goblins, too! Anchored by Anderson Cooper handcuffed to his desk! Tonight: “Do Those Big Gigantic People We Keep Seeing Really Exist?” Mibbly Buttercup’s award-winning series on the existence of “human beings”. Tonight: A gnome on a beetle hunt insists he saw a human mowing his lawn.

Ch. 31  MOVIE–Paranormal, with just plain silly

Former U.S. Sen. Hiram Fong stars as a frustrated camel salesman in “Humps, You Sucker!” (Canadian, 1986). No one on Staten Island wants to buy a camel! In desperation, salesman Oleg Gesundheit (Fong) finds evidence that aliens from Orion are involved! Mrs. Portnoy: Nancy Culp. Hermann Hesse, famous German author of books that were trendy in the 70s: Mickey Rivers.

Sheesh! I don’t know which of these I want to watch first! I think I’ve seen all Alvin the Octopus’s movies…

Rottnest Island Quokka Pictures | POPSUGAR Smart Living

And look at this–I’ve got a date! Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 21

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

multiple image galleries

G’day! Herman the Giant Millipede here, filling in for Byron the Quokka, who’s–oh, never mind, here he comes!

Thank you, Herman. Sorry I’m late, folks. Without any more ado, here are samples of Quokka University’s weekend television treasures.

7 P.M.  Ch. 03   WINNING AT CHESS BY MAKING GROTESQUE FACES–(It is what it sounds like)

He may not be a grand master or even a mediocre chess player… but he can turn his face practically inside-out. Yes, it’s Joey Tkachvaevsky, who has literally made some of his opponents faint when they see his antics. Warning: not the show for children, they’ll have nightmares for a week!

Ch. 08  PROJECT MOHOLE: CONTINUED!–Science news

Remember Project Mohole, way back when? You used to read about it in “My Weekly Reader.” And then they shut it down because it just didn’t seem like a good way to spend money anymore. But Angelo “Bud” MacChesney, armed with pick and shovel, now digs where Mohole left off–and he’s on his way down, all the way down to the Moho Discontinuity, where things happen that can’t be explained here. Song: “I’m in the Mood for Contortions.”

7:18 P.M.   Ch. 22   NEWS WITH PETER THE HERMIT–Supernatural

He’s not into leading children’s crusades anymore! Now, through professional medium Donna Glutenbauer, Peter the Hermit delivers “News from the Other Side.” Find out what some of history’s most famous dead people have been doing in the last thousand years or so. Critical response runs the gamut from “A shameful fraud” to “Someone needs to go to jail for this!”

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 09   N.Y. METS VS. STELTON CADAVERS–Bladderball

The new game that’s taking professional sports by storm! Rubber bladders filled with sticky diet soda–how far can a baserunner get before somebody breaks a “bladder” over his head? Play-by-play: Jane Austen. Color commentary: Richard “I swear I’ll kill my agent!” Burton. With Maury Povitch and his orchestra.

8 P.M.  Ch. 56   MOVIE–Shakespearean science-fiction with marbles

In “Who Done Do My Tragedy” (Taiwanese, 1998), King Lear (Charles Bronson) is taken aboard a Klingon starship and taught how to “Zmumzowee.” Will it be enough to put things right? Master Gukakk: Roddy McDowell. Capt. Yashyash: Sandy Duncan. Cordelia: Barbara Stanwyck. Duke Snider: Scatman Crothers. Special appearance, having absolutely nothing to do with the plot, by the June Taylor Dancers.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, how do you like those apples? I mean, you can chew up your whole weekend just watching these fabulous TV shows! I’ll bet I will

6 Surprising Facts About Quokkas

Baby picture, Mom & me… quite some years ago! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 17

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide listing for NYC, early Friday evening September 17 (1971) : r/VintageTV

Holy moly, it’s almost Christmas! Time to line the ol’ nest with some fresh grass. And time to sit back and groove on some of these great TV shows collected by Quokka University.

7:34 P.M.  Ch. 72   MOVIE–Indescribable (good luck with it)

Ignore those mean-spirited critics who said Sammy the Samurai (Bolivian, 1982) was “what a movie would look like if monkeys made it.” Leo Gorcey plays a demoralized samurai searching for pastrami. Mr. Greenjeans: Gil Hodges. Doris the Tree Sloth: Heather Locklear. Man with lots of hang-ups: Bill Harzia.

7:45 P.M.  Ch. 16   TOTALLY MADE-UP NEWS THAT WON’T FOOL ANYONE–News

Join co-anchors Bud Abbot and Lou Costello for the absolute worst in TV journalism! Really, if you believe anything this show reports, you need a rubber room. Sports: Chiang Kai-shek. Weather: Sandy Duncan. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 08   CELEBRITY PARKING–Game Show

Which of the celebrity contestants will find and claim the only open parking space in Metuchen, NJ? Better succeed! Losers are put to death. Tonight’s contestants: Whoopi Goldberg, Cher, Keith Olberman, Madame Pompadour, Taras Bulba. Host: Some poor guy with a lot of parasites.

Ch. 14   MY LITTLE MUMSY–Sitcom

Mumsy is a 45-foot-long sea serpent that doesn’t like living on land–and in the suburbs, no less. Her “mommy” (Debbie Reyolds) and “daddy” (Warren G. Harding) have to protect her from Captain Ahab (Tim Conway), fanatic with a harpoon. Tonight: Mumsy destroys the local 7-11.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 25   SPARKY THE CAT–Superhero series

Bugs McGrew (believed to be played by Sir Ralph Richardson) by day is a non-entity in charge of America’s nuclear arsenal. But when he squeezes the catnip mouse in his pocket, the transforms instantly into Sparky the Cat! This week: Sparky gets tangled up in Bugs’ clothes and unknowingly hits the “Launch” button.

Well, you can’t beat these, can you? I know I can’t!

Quokka photos by Alex Cearns perfect for 2020 | news.com.au — Australia's leading news site

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 3

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Great 70's TV lineup!! | Tv guide, Vintage tv, Classic television

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and if you’re not out Christmas shopping, or if you’ve been shopping and you’re tuckered out, Quokka University has just what you need! Great TV shows, of course. Like these.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 05  COUNTRY QUACK–Tasteless sitcom

Doc Fugu (H. P. Lovecraft) convinces Mrs. Wadman (Rita Moreno) that she’s given birth to kittens; but he’s unwittingly started a feud with Mrs. Shrike (Debbie Reynolds), who last year supposedly gave birth to eight baby rabbits. Watch the June Taylor Dancers get caught in the crossfire!

Ch. 10  NEWS WITH BATTLIN’ BILLY–News and fisticuffs

The famous baseball manager (oh, come on, he’s famous! you don’t need his name) anchors a staff of reporters who really irritate him, and he doesn’t mind saying it with his fists. Tonight: Dan Rather gets pushed down the stairs and Billy’s carried off in handcuffs. Substitute co-anchors: Shari Lewis and Lambchop.

7:46 P.M. Ch. 19  CELEBRITY PRANK SHOP–Game

What happens when Taylor Swift finds a cobra in her bed? Can Chuck Connors stop his car after they drain out all the brake fluid? And how about those missing steps in Mia Farrow’s house? Wait’ll she gets up at night to have a glass of water! Host: Jimmy Fraud.

8 P.M.  Ch. 15  MOVIE–Sharp social commentary and pretentious babble

In “Who’s That Jidrool Who Doesn’t Like Me Anymore?” (Icelandic, 2004), Dustin Hoffman plays a down-and-out wine taster who’s given a second chance by Mothman (Nigel Bruce). Complications arise when he falls in love with a woman (Totie Fields) who thinks she’s an electric blender. Music score by some kook in Reykjavik.

Ch. 28  CAPTAIN ONIONHEAD–Science fiction Western

Capt. Onionhead (Buster Crabbe) has to use all his ingenuity to save Professor Carbuncle (William Lundigan) from crazed space pirates led by Lulu Smythe (Susan Sontag). One false move, and we lose Wyoming! Cute but Dispensable Sidekick: Sam Jaffe. Secret Agent Disguised as Baby-sitter: Mike Mazurki.

I don’t know if it’s true that watching shows like this makes you irresistible to phone scammers; I prefer to think of us as providing a sorely-needed luxury to the human race.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

1985 TV Guide (FAMILY TIES/MICHAEL J. FOX/THE A-TEAM/JAMIE ROSE/LADY BLUE)) | eBay

G’day, everybody! I hope you’ve set aside enormous blocks of time for TV viewing, because we’ve outdone ourselves this week, bringing you the hit shows that never had an audience! Here’s a brief sample from our menu:

8:45 P.M.  Ch. 03  NEWS WITH LIVERWURST–News & commentary

Join Mr. Schlockengruber at the Garden State butcher’s counter, while he serves up the day’s news while serving his customers, too. Is it any wonder that he sometimes gets mixed up? But you’ve got to see him wield that cleaver whenever it’s Congress in the news. Weather: Carlos the Delivery Guy (he would know).

9 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE W TEAM–Action & Inaction

The A Team’s busy, the B Team’s all shot up, and eventually we work way down to the W Team (“When it really doesn’t matter, send for us!”). Pro wrestling legend Silvano Magucci (Dean Rusk) leads his team (Salvador Dali, Theda Bara, Elmer the Bull–he provides the glue–and Ernie Bushmiller) in one hazardous but completely unimportant assignment after another. Tonight: Find Ted Mack’s dentures.

Ch. 14  THE BARE FACTS–Lewd sitcom

What happens when a retired superhero (Bob Costas) opens a nudist colony in Alaska? WARNING: Much of this show had to be blacked out. Especially those parts with the June Taylor Dancers. And the mosquitoes and black flies. This week: Ozzie (Francisco Franco) loses his pants in a strip poker game. [We do not see the point of playing strip poker at a nudist colony, but apparently the focus group likes it.]

Ch. 33  TONS O’ TALK–Celebrity talk & variety

Jimmy Fraud interviews celebrities you never heard of! Icepick Sam, Dr. Foo the Mad Dentist, Susan Gesundheit… Hear him ask the questions you would ask if you had any idea why these people are famous! With the Karamazov Bros. and their orchestra.

9:08 P.M.  Ch. 56  MOVIE–Marital Arts

In Secret Techniques of the Drunken Water-Dowser (Chinese-Canadian, 1998), a disgraced Mountie (Groucho Marx, CG) enters Hung Lo Monastery, where Master Chee (Larry Storch) teaches him secret techniques. Meanwhile, Bigfoot (Linda Hunt) ravages the countryside–and the monks can’t seem to stop it. Can Sgt. Woo Wei Shu recover his honor by kung-fuing Bigfoot into oblivion? Song: “I’ve Got Spurs That Jingle-Jangle-Jingle.”

Well, that’s that! Someday the whole world will shut down just so people can tune in to Quokka University for thrills ‘n’ chills.

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 5

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide October 27-Nov 2 1984 (5) - Flashbak

G’day, shipmates! Byron the Quokka here–unlike that pantaloon Joe Collidge, I can find my tail with both hands–but even better, I’ve found your weekend TV menu! Here are a few samples to inflame your curiosity.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 42  GRABBUM GENERAL HOSPITAL–Melodrama

Who said soap operas can only be shown in the daytime? What else would you call it when Dr. DiBono (Mendel Rivers) chases Nurse Knox (Joey Heatherton) all around the operating theater while the hapless patient (Sidney Greenstreet) tries to stitch himself closed after surgery? Guest star: Roderick Usher.

Ch. 44  RAWHIDE IN AFRICA–Western set in the East

What do the cowboys of Rawhide do in between cattle drives? They drink and gamble away their pay and have to take second jobs! And this job is a doozy–herding wild gnus across the Serengeti Plain, vexed by lions, leopards, and unfriendly local people. Eric Fleming and young Clint Eastwood star–with all footage shot in luxurious Scotland.

8:43 P.M.  Ch. 56  MR. FIX-IT NEWS–Yes, it’s news

Kill two birds with one stone! Bobby the Recluse shows you how to deal with clogged sinks and balky toilets while Carmen Miranda (computer-generated, but you’d never guess it) sings and dances the day’s top news stories. Weather: Johnny Cash.

9 P.M.  Ch. 06  MOVIE–Pastoral science fiction tragedy

In “Mistress Bumbles’ Labor Lost” (Pre-Columbian Studios, 2008), Director Pie Traynor improves on Shakespeare by ascribing his own script to The Bard. Mistress Bumble (Lucy Lawless) turns into Xena Warrior Princess whenever she emerges from her country cottage; and the man she loves, barefoot shepherd Jim Northrup (Omar Sharif), can’t make up his mind–about anything! Featured: the June Taylor Dancers as sheep.

Ch. 11  PLEASE DON’T EAT THE POISON IVY–Sitcom

Bucky (Max Von Sydow) wants to join the Spanish Foreign Legion, but Mom (Heather Locklear) and Uncle Fidget (Taras Bulba) try to stop him by walling him up in his room. Meanwhile, Poppa (Andy Devine) gets a job as a tightrope walker. Special guest star: a live Tyrannosaurus.

Well! You can’t miss these shows, can you? I guess you could, but you’d surely be the poorer for it.

Happy quokka says hi

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 29

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV December 15th through 21st, 1979

Blimey, only two days left till Halloween! Better get my El Kabong costume out of mothballs.

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here, with indescribably wonderful TV viewing for your weekend. I mean, we’re talking “Soak your brain!” Here are a few samples.

4:37 P.M.  Ch. 06  QUICKIE NEWS–(It might give you a headache)

What do you get when you take last night’s 60-minute news show and speed it up so it can be watched in just three minutes? You get Rottnest Island’s most popular news broadcast! And maybe a bout of queasiness to go with it. Anchor: Sid the Parrot.

4:40 P.M.  Ch. 06  MOVIE–Underwater adventure

Now that the three-minute world news is over, relax with Who Be Digging Up the Coral? (Indo-Jamaican, 1987: 360 minutes, counting commercials). Rishi Vijaya Gupta stars as a cynical but idealistic chain store magnate who seeds coral reefs off Jamaica so he can plant “treasure” in them and dig it up later. The bloodthirsty but benign local sheriff (Elston Howard) opposes him. Mrs. Hashimoto: Heather Locklear.

5 P.M.  Ch. 12  JIMMY FRAUD PRESENTS–Variety

What a lineup! The June Taylor Dancers dance to the Guatemalan Runner-Up National Orchestra’s rendition of “I Got Coccyx Troubles,” Al Gore recites “Dinner With Dracula,” and The Amazing Bruno tries again to re-materialize, having de-materialized three weeks ago. Jimmy’s Monologue: “Why I Deserve a Raise.”

Ch. 20   WIDE WORLD OF STUPID–Sports

Chiang Kai-shek and Minnie Pearl host this hideous display of misbegotten fake “sports” shunned by the other networks! Now you can see ’em all: tightrope-pogosticking, wasps’-nest bothering, soccer with a bowling ball (those headers are murder!), getting stuck inside the clothing donation bin, and so much more!

5:30 P.M.  Ch. 26  JUMPIN’ SPINNIN’ KICKS–Kung-fu crime drama

Dragon Bone Hill, Iowa, has an all-girl police force–and criminals beware! Every one of these beauties can wipe you out with secret jumpin’ spinnin’ kicks, taught by Master Wong Wei (Claude Akins). They can also leap backwards 20 feet in the air! This week: Hot on the trail of a misgendering ring, Officer Schadenfreude (Christie Brinkley) accidentally leaps onto the wing of a jet plane passing overhead. Hysterical passenger: William Shatner.

How about that, folks? Did you ever think you’d see that kind of programming on your TV? I’m lucky if I get any at all.

Quokka - The Australian Museum

Byron the Quokka, signing off.