Genuine Certified 100% Fake News

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I don’t feel like covering any of the nooze that seeped out of Mordor this morning. I know they want me to cover it, because they want everyone to hear about it–in hopes that some will believe them. But I ain’t bitin’ on that hook.

Instead, I offer these few items of totally made-up nooze. As the person who made them up, I certify there isn’t a word of truth to them.

*No one can find any of the Democrat candidates for president. As of 6 a.m. this morning they were all reported as missing. No one seems to mind.

*A freak snowstorm this weekend buried a Climate Change march in Stockholm, Sweden.

*A new sex robot designed by Okashiio Baka Industries, in Japan, doubles as a toaster-oven when not being used for the more obvious purpose.

*Another Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to former President *Batteries Not Included “on general principles.” The entire Nobel committee was reportedly drunk at the time.

*The new Michael Moore movie opened to completely empty theaters all around the country, earning absolutely no money. Moore has offered a prize to anyone who can prove he or she saw it.

Gee, this is a lot easier than actual reporting. No wonder the nooze media like it so much.

Down with Leaf Blowers!

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Okay! It’s a beautiful, mild, sunny spring day. And that means it’s time for… LEAF BLOWERS!!!

Yes, shatter the peace of your neighborhood, drown out the bird song, blow rodent feces all over the place! Braaaaap! Whommmmp! What? There’s someone trying to think? Well, lemme at him! Braaaaap! Whommmmmp!

And we’ve also got fat guys on riding mowers “landscaping” yards the size of postage stamps, and guys with really noisy air compressors so they can power-wash their driveways.

Are we in Mordor?

There really must be something wrong with us.

Noise, Noise, Noise!

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Whatever happened to the Sabbath rest? Has it been outlawed or something?

This Sunday, every gavone in this neighborhood was out there with a leaf-blower, lawnmower, weed-whacker, air compressor, or any combination thereof, hour after hour, making the whole place sound like New Year’s Eve in Mordor. There was even a roofing crew loudly tearing off the roof of a nearby house.

And this morning it was first the jack-hammers, for an hour or two, and then, the moment they stopped, the guy next door with his leaf-blower and weed-whacker. He also has an outdoor light with a 1,000-watt bulb which he kept turning on and off throughout Saturday night, waking me half a dozen times.

Something’s going on here that I don’t understand.

The War Against Tranquility

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So… I stripped the bed and laundered the bedding, had breakfast, took care of the cat, took my blood pressure, and did a bit of blogging. Then I decided to go out for a little bike ride. What a mistake that turned out to be.

I’ve lived in the same small town all my life, and I distinctly remember it used to be quiet and peaceful on a weekend morning in the summer.

I couldn’t hear myself think.

Everybody who had a leaf blower, weed whacker, power mower, or some other infernal machine was out there making noise for all he was worth. The more affluent residents–at least one on every single block–all hired “landscaping” crews with even bigger, even louder machines.

The din was terrible. Just awful. It sounded like Mordor had won the War of the Ring, and all the orcs were loose on Sauron’s birthday.

For the life of me, I can’t imagine why they want to do this. It’s not like anyone is ever outside, actually using his little bit of yard. The only time they come out, other than to go to work, is to make a frightful racket over their lawns. No one sits on his front porch, reading the paper and sipping lemonade. There are no children outside playing.

At least I wasn’t trying to write.That would have been impossible, this morning.

My Grandfather’s House Is… Gone

I really must vent today.

In 1917 my grandfather bought a house and had it moved to what is now my home town. My mother and her five sisters were born there. Aunt Gertie, in fact, died in the same room in which she was born, 90 years before.

Yesterday there was nothing in its place.

We were a large, close-knit family, and I spent as much time at Grandma and Grandpa’s house as I did at home. We lived only a few blocks apart, which made for convenient baby-sitting at all times.

The house was on a big lot, so there were a chicken coop, red and black raspberries, Concord grapes and white grapes, a pear tree, catalpa tree, and hosts and hosts of flowers. Later there were lovely dogwoods and bright flowering shrubs.

All gone.

One by one everybody died until there was only Aunt Joan, whose health required that she be moved to an apartment. She needed the money, so we sold the house. And for two years it sat there empty.

A few days before yesterday it was still there, dogwoods and all. But yesterday it was gone. In fact, it was so gone, my eye couldn’t process the information: it kept telling me that the house next door–which really doesn’t look anything like it–was Grandpa’s house with some kind of shell glued on to it. We had to go back again and stop the car. Then I saw that there is now an empty space where a big chunk of my life used to be, all raw earth and bulldozers. No trace left of the dogwoods.

Gone as if it had never been. Gone as if I’d dreamed it. If I live long enough, my memories of it will grow less sharp and accurate, get muddled up with memories of other places, other things, and it really will be a place that never actually existed.

So another place of beauty is ripped out of the world, to be replaced by a parking lot, law offices, nail salon, or whatever. Almost a hundred Christmases were celebrated in that house. No more; nevermore. The Orcs come with their bulldozer and Mordor captures another little piece of our reality.

But if you don’t walk by faith, you wind up unable to walk at all. In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. (John 14:2) We shall come to that place by and by, and He that prepared it for us shall make all things new.

Except for all that Orc-stuff.