‘The New Improved Sex-Bot’ (2017)

Hamster | Facts & Breeds | Britannica

You didn’t think I’d actually post a picture of a sex-bot, did you? Here’s a nice hamster instead.

Wow. A machine that can…uh… love you.

Did I just write what I thought I wrote? I mean, there’s hardly anybody here today, I might be dreaming. Nah… There it is.

The New Improved Sex-Bot

Got ten thousand dollars to piss away? Well, a company in California has just the thing for you–a sex robot that will (they say–do you believe them?) more or less fall in love with you. And you’ll fall in love with it. So much nicer than trying to carry on a romance with your blender.

See? There’s a technological answer for everything!

God help us.

‘The Sex-Bots Are Coming’ (2016)

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Never mind a picture of a sex-bot, they’re all horrible. Here’s a nice kudu instead.

This was forecast as the big cultural trend of 2016–

The Sex-Bots Are Coming

Yeah! Who needs flesh-and-blood people, with souls and feelings, when a fancy machine can provide you with all the companionship, nd all the sex, you’ll ever need? Okay, you could have long heart-to-heart talks with your toaster-oven, but robots are cooler.

It’s a wonder our freedom and prosperity have lasted as long as they have.

Were ‘Sex-Bots’ Really Such a Great Idea?

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If this turns you on, you need turning off.

News from the total depravity front!

Addressing the annual meeting of the American Assn. for the Advancement of Science, a Duke University scientist warned that “sex-bots”–robots created to service loons with weird sexual desires–could pose “psychological threats to humans” (https://nypost.com/2020/02/15/sex-robots-pose-psychological-threats-for-humans-researchers-warn/).

“Some robots,” she said, “are programmed to protest, to create a rape scenario.” And some, she added, “are designed to look like children.”

The threat, as anyone who’s not a nut can see, is that some of these kooks will get tired of sexually abusing robots, leave the bots behind, and seek out human victims–a bigger thrill, don’t you know.

Isn’t it about time someone asked, “What the devil do we think we’re doing?” And, like, stop doing it? Come on! Were sex-bots ever something we should have invented? Is this really what our minds are for?

Thanks to people who really should know better, but don’t, because they have no moral grounding, our society is growing more and more perverted.

Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong.

Genuine Certified 100% Fake News

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I don’t feel like covering any of the nooze that seeped out of Mordor this morning. I know they want me to cover it, because they want everyone to hear about it–in hopes that some will believe them. But I ain’t bitin’ on that hook.

Instead, I offer these few items of totally made-up nooze. As the person who made them up, I certify there isn’t a word of truth to them.

*No one can find any of the Democrat candidates for president. As of 6 a.m. this morning they were all reported as missing. No one seems to mind.

*A freak snowstorm this weekend buried a Climate Change march in Stockholm, Sweden.

*A new sex robot designed by Okashiio Baka Industries, in Japan, doubles as a toaster-oven when not being used for the more obvious purpose.

*Another Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to former President *Batteries Not Included “on general principles.” The entire Nobel committee was reportedly drunk at the time.

*The new Michael Moore movie opened to completely empty theaters all around the country, earning absolutely no money. Moore has offered a prize to anyone who can prove he or she saw it.

Gee, this is a lot easier than actual reporting. No wonder the nooze media like it so much.

Oh, No! Your Sex-Bot Might Kill You!

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No, I’m not going to post a picture of a sex-bot! Here’s a nice summery katydid instead–and thanks be to God for the way they sing to us at night.

“All it takes it one line of bad code,” an expert warns–and next thing you know, your superhumanly strong mechanical girlfriend has got her hands around your neck and won’t let go, she’s strangling you, dude–!

No, not a nightmare. More of an absurdity. Be that as it may, we have been warned: “coding errors” might turn your sex-both into an unstoppable killing machine (https://clarion.causeaction.com/2019/08/25/sex-bots-with-coding-errors-prone-to-violence-and-could-strangle/).

Especially, warns the expert, “if they are equipped with free will.”

Equipped with free will? By who? Oh–by the programmer. So you mean they are programmed to have free will?

I can hardly believe I’m typing this absurdity. But I assure you I’m not making it up. It only sounds that way.

So, if you’re one of those weird people who has a sex-bot…

Well, whatever happens probably serves you right.

Now You’ve Heard Everything

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What? You thought I was going to run a picture of a sex bot? Uh-uh, no way. Here’s another day gecko, this one working on emerging from the egg. Cute little beggars, aren’t they?

How crazy can it get?

They’ve set up brothels where you can “have sex”–I really must put that in quotes, because it’s only a simulation of sex–with “sex bots,” robotic facsimiles of women. Sort of like having a romance with your toaster-oven. Like, dude, it’s a machine, it’s not real.

Anyway, these sex bot brothels have begun to take off, which is now perceived as a threat to brothels where the whores are real. They call themselves “sex workers” now. I will stick to the older terminology. The whores are saying that sex bot brothels are “dehumanizing and dangerous,” “an insult to sex workers,” and “encourage disrespect toward women” (https://www.thesun.co.uk/tech/7289486/sex-robots-prostitutes-workers-love-dolls-brothel/).

Uh, like, the regular whorehouse doesn’t encourage disrespect toward women?

Oh, no, say the whores. See, goin’ to the sex bots will alienate the immoral slob of a man “from healthy sexual experiences with real women.” Good grief. Someone’s sure to say I’m making this up, it’s all a satire. I only wish it was. I’m only a fantasy writer, I can’t invent stuff this loopy.

They say, “Sex workers offer… authentic intimacy and two-way affection.” In fact, going to a brothel and paying some stranger for sex (or a simulation thereof) “enhances his ability to be intimate with other women.” That oughta fly in divorce court: “I only hired this here prostitute, your honor, to enhance my ability to be intimate with my wife.” Yowsah. And heavy consumption of pornography makes the heart more loving, the eyes brighter, and the pelt shinier.

It is embarrassing to be living in this age! I feel like my ancestors, looking down from Heaven, are thumbing their noses and making rude noises at me–if they don’t just turn away in pity.

O Lord! Remember that these things are done without our consent, against our will, and over our objections.

None of this crazy crap can possibly turn out well for us.

Drivel Alert: ‘Sex-bots Will Improve Marriage’

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This story is much too disgusting to illustrate. Here is a picture of a luna moth instead. God’s stuff is better than ours. Ours sucks.

Shakespeare thought of this first, when he had Lady Macbeth cry out, “Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here…!”

Be careful what you wish for.

Just when you thought humanism couldn’t dehumanize us any further, along come the sex-bots–machines you can “have sex” with. But not to worry: an “expert” (oh, please) at the University of British Columbia says having sex with machines can make our marriages better (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-6060627/Sex-robots-IMPROVE-marriages-letting-spouses-focus-companionship-expert-claims.html).

See, if you get your jollies making whoopee with a glorified toaster-oven, that’ll give you and your spouse “more focus on companionship and creating a family.” She does not explain how you and your spouse will do that if you’re both having sex with machines instead of with each other.

Oh, but what’s not to like? This’ll “give couples greater opportunity to define their own type of marriages,” according to whatever addled pumpkin-guts you have in place of a brain. Why, it “could soon become a societal norm”! Oh, frabjous day. More societal norms that college doodlebugs make up as they go along.

Sophisticated sex-bots are bound to be expensive, so maybe for the time being you can make do with your printer or some other handy appliance–whatever floats your boat.

Are there really people out there who don’t understand that “sex” with a machine is only a simulation of sex?

I do hope not.