I wonder what happened to this little fad from five years ago–eating Tide detergent pods. Some idiots died for that. All the others got very sick.
(Check out the comments and see what makes this blog worthwhile–the best commenters around.)
Halloo out there! Anybody still eatin’ Tide pods?
I’d like to hear from some kook who actually took “the Tide pod challenge.”
No, I’m not going to run the stupid video. Here’s something better–an alpine newt in an aquarium. At least a thousand times better.
(Thanks to Susan for the nooze tip)
Okay, Tide-pod challenge out–Coronavirus challenge, in!
This is how to get famous on the social media. All you’ve got to do is film yourself licking a toilet seat on an airliner or some other public place (https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2020/03/here-we-go-idiots-participate-in-new-coronavirus-challenge-and-start-licking-airplane-toilet-seats-videos/).
The first lost soul to do it said she did it because she doesn’t want to “get old and ugly.” Keep licking toilet seats, sunshine, and you won’t have to worry about the “old” part. As for ugly–well, suicidal idiocy is not exactly beautiful.
Some might call it natural selection for extinction.
We keep telling you: you can’t just kill the culture, day in, day out, and expect nothing bad to happen. Our schools are killing it, our “entertainment” is killing it, and now it’s going to kill us back.
Uh, social media–you guys who censor Christians and conservatives–anybody home? Are you, like, gonna censor these videos, so that morons and idiots who think they can get famous by publicly doing really stupid things, won’t have this avenue of self-expression anymore?
Unexpected moral lesson: there are some selves that really shouldn’t be expressed.
My friend–who does not wish to be identified, so I’ll call him Roscoe–can see the future by concentrating deeply and peering into a jar of Miracle Whip. “Don’t tell anyone my real name,” he says. “Otherwise someone’ll try this at home and wind up in the emergency room, and then they’ll sue me.” Hint: you have to open the jar.
I fear for the future of my country, so yesterday I consulted Roscoe and he did his thing–really, I don’t know how he finds the strength and courage. In a few minutes, he was observing the 2024 presidential election.
At first it was just brief messages. “Vote for me! I have the most tattoos!” “Vote for me! I can eat a Tide pod and not get sick!” “Vote for me! I can’t be deported if I’m president!” And then Beto Somebody saying, “We learned your language by monitoring your TV and radio transmissions.”
“I see a crowd covering the state of Rhode Island,” Roscoe begins to chant hypnotically. “No, wait–it’s not a crowd, it’s all the Democrat candidates. Sure are a lot of ’em!”
He sees campaign promises. Free college for all. Guaranteed minimum universal basic income of $15 per hour for every hour you remain alive. Double that if you vote Democrat more than once in each election. Public offices awarded to all Women Of Color, complete with pension. Free housing for all. Free food at your city’s finest restaurant. “There’s a Kamala Something out there who wants everybody to be registered as another gender, in case they want to change. Free gender reassignment for every person in America!” Roscoe shudders. “I think she means it!”
Now, he says, “The Miracle Whip’s getting all murky, I can’t make out the pictures. I’m afraid that’s it for today.”
“But wait, you can’t stop there! You’ve got to tell me who wins the election!”
But he only shakes his head and mutters, “There are some things it’s better not to know.”
“Hey! Don’t touch that umbrella!”
When I was a boy, TV was loaded with ancient black-and-white cartoons–those old “Farmer Grey”cartoons, by Paul Terry. You might not be old enough ever to have seen one.
A common feature in many of these cartoons was cats, mice, and sometimes humans jumping off a rooftop and wafting gently to the earth by using an umbrella as a parachute.
This does not work in real life (https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/peoplesdaily/article-4420876/Boy-jumped-five-storey-home-holding-umbrella.html). The host of one of those cartoon shows, “Uncle Fred” Sayles (he also MC’d wrestling), used to have to issue frequent reminders to his youthful audience not to try this. But kids did try it, and some of them got hurt. But good. I would have tried it myself, but I didn’t have anyplace handy for jumping off.
Is it necessary to explain why this doesn’t work? Like, is there any 29-year-old Gender Studies major who thinks it might work, if you use a big enough umbrella? Yo, genius, stick to Play-Doh.
Kids try crazy things because they don’t know any better. That’s why we don’t give them credit cards and drivers’ licenses.
And we still can’t stop overgrown kids from trying to eat detergent pods because they saw it on Youtube.
In conjunction with Jidrool University, Fizzleton, Illinois, next weekend will host a city-wide Tide Pod Challenge, with the survivors–er, winners–winning scholarships to Jidrool.
“These are the kind of stodents thay wil groh up and chainge the whirld!” said university president Dr. Desmond Dustmop. “These hear thay are jist the kind of stodents we been waiting for!”
Added Fizzleton Mayor Rainor Shyne, “It’s also a great way to weed out idiots. I mean, you’ve gotta be an idiot to try to eat a laundry detergent pod, right?”
Winners will get scholarships for degree programs in Feminist Geography, Queer Theater Theory, and Gender Studies for Chicano Dwarfs. Other contestants will receive free burial. The competition is open to all Fizzleton High School seniors and juniors.