It takes an awful lot of money to start a university, and Quokka U. isn’t quite there yet. So Acme False Facts Inc. is going to help out with another special fund-raising edition of False Facts, 2% of the proceeds going to the university. I guess they keep the rest.
Why False Facts? Why, to convince your friends that you know a lot of stuff that nobody else knows, because you’re so bloomin’ smart! All you have to remember is to speak with total confidence when reciting any False Fact. Presentation is everything!
Here are just a few samples from Quokka U. False Facts 2.0. Ask anyone in the academic world, they’ll tell you–this is how you gain respect! And here are our samples.
*Ancient Roman engineers designed the first personal computer, but had no electricity to operate it.
*President Grover Cleveland’s mother kept him in diapers until he was 16.
*The Chinese word for “X-Ray glasses” has been unpronounceable since 1808.
*Project Mohole, the plan to drill all the way through the earth’s crust, was defunded in 1966 because Congress forgot to levy any taxes for that year and the government ran out of money. But the real problem was bashful scientists who were afraid they might find something naughty down there.
*The Paper Bag Tree of inner Borneo has been found growing in Nebraska, where it has provoked a wave of paranormal experiences that people don’t like to talk about. The good news is that the folks in Borneo want it back.
There you go! Try these on for size at any place where talking is allowed. The results will amaze you.
P.S.–They haven’t told us what the set will cost, so when you order it, be sure you write a check for lots of money.
Ugh, the nooze! Pandemic. Politics. Riots. I’m supposed to be covering it, but feh. And double-fesh.
Here, instead, is some of God’s stuff: assorted butterflies filmed in slow motion, courtesy of the Houston Butterfly Museum. It reminds me of my grandpa’s butterfly bush, which attracted colorful customers from all around. I used to watch it by the hour.
The works of God’s hands are everywhere for us to see: a sure sign that God is nigh.
We want to go easy on the nooze this weekend, because, heck, it’s all bad, a major chunk of it is lies, and our spirits need a rest. So we will watch a movie this afternoon.
But which movie? Patty couldn’t find a horror movie that appealed to us, so she got to thinking, “Maybe a comedy.” I heard her say that and got to thinking about comedies we know we would enjoy.
Just as I was thinking, “How about Clockwise, with John Cleese? That’ll give us some laughs,” she said, “How about Clockwise?”
“Holy moly, I was just about to say that!” I answered. “You took the words right out of my mouth. Well, we have to watch it now!”
This happens with us again and again, even to the point of both of us saying the same thing at once, as if we’d rehearsed it. We are both convinced that this is a sign of a good marriage. I mean, out of the thousands of comedies we might have mentioned, we both call for this one movie? How cool is that?
Please feel free to join us! It’s a really funny movie, available for rental on amazon.com.
Sorry, but I’ve had it up to here with the nooze and I’d just as soon take a break from it this weekend. Give me an axolotl instead.
I mean, really! I’ve just spent time on a couple of different nooze sites and it’s all the same: impeachment, let’s abort all babies with Down’s Syndrome, let’s abort all “binary pronouns,” and let’s have a national food fight over “reparations”–punishing people for something that other people did 200 years ago. And on and on. What a dreary landscape!
I can’t get any axolotls, so this afternoon we’re going to pet our cats and watch what’s supposed to be a good BBC remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s black-and-white classic, The Lady Vanishes. Maybe Elizabeth Warren will vanish.
And I’m re-reading Bell Mountain. If you haven’t read it yet–well, what are you waiting for? I’ve also got a book of mermaid stories, which I think I’ll tackle next. Mermaids beat the nooze any day. Almost as good as axolotls!