Tag: Byron’s TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, May 31

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide, November 15, 1969 - "The Governer and J.J."

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with Lee’s blog. I guess I’ll throw you some TV listings. Lee’s a bit ga-ga today, so cut us some slack. Here we go!

Saturday

12:08 p.m., Ch. 42   WHOPPER WORLD–Liars get theirs

Tired of TV anchormen and assorted “experts” lying to you? Host Huckleberry Hound sure is! His crack investigative team tirelessly exposes Lies by Rich and Famous Nick-nocks. “Scared me right out of the news business!”confesses former anchor Juli McGooley.

1:08, Ch. 60   MOVIE: DIGGING GENGHIS KHAN–Archaeology for people who don’t watch “Whopper World”

Join Harry Larrabee’s Mongol Wannabes as they search for the legendary Tomb of Genghis Khan in all sorts of unlikely places. This week: Double Trouble, New Jersey; Epoxy Station, Utah. Psychiatric services provided by Guess What, You’re Sane!

Sunday

2:02 p.m., Ch. 81   MIMSY’S GUERRILLA KITCHEN–Cooking stuff you never thought of cooking

Actually it should be spelled “gorilla” because that’s what it is: a bunch of gorillas in a kitchen. Someone tied Mimsy to the back bumper of a 1954 Dodge, so the apes are on their own. Special Guest Star: Gordon (where’s he been?) Lightfoot.

Sorry, but that’s all we’ve got for you this week. The Boss runs out of gas every few minutes. Dreaming about being sucked back into the hospital has not left him with a lot of oomph this morning.

And so, for the time being, this is Byron the Quokka signing off.

Meet the Quokka

Don’t bother me about listing only 3 shows! A quokka can only do what a quokka’s gotta do.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, April 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide September 22, 1964 Colorado

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with a spiffy offering of under-appreciated TV shows, collected by Quokka University. Ooh, look at that! One of my all-time favorites: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. That was almost as great as The Quokka from Kalgoorlie! Speaking of which…

Saturday

4:16 p.m.   Ch. 22  THE QUOKKA FROM KALGOORLIE–Intense drama

Imagine my astonishment when I discovered that Uncle Quiggly wasn’t the first quokka to solve a crime. Peter Graves played Dig-‘Em-Up Jones, the first Quokka to solve a murder case. Some of us were unhappy that Peter Graves didn’t look much like a quokka; but I think we’re big enough to let that slide. This week:Jones digs up a 13,000-year-old murder–right in his own back yard! Commissioner: Michael J. Pollard. President of France: Huntz Hall.

4:30 p.m.  Ch. 31  500 MILES TO WICHITA–Intense suspense

Whoever gets to Wichita first gets to decide the fate of the human race! Arch-villain: Danny DeVito. Heroic Secret Agent: Danny DeVito. That’s right, he plays identical twins. Better not lose track of who’s who! You might blow up the world.

Sunday

3:07 p.m.  Ch. 15  DIY ABDOMINABLE SURGERY–(We couldn’t bear to watch)

So you thought Dr. Morgus was kidding, when he introduced Do-It-Yourself Surgery back in the 1970’s? Ha! Shows what you know! This week: The Good Doctor has to remove a basketball from a little girl’s stomach. If he succeeds, he’ll get another chance to re-attach his right hand with his left.

 

An Evening With Sid Noel: Recollections of a Mad Scientist | Morgus the Magnificent

Breathes there a quokka who is not a Dr. Morgus fan?

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

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Would you believe I rode that bike to get here?

Byron’s TV Listings, April 19

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide December 27, 1968 N. California - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and if these TV listings get any smaller, I’ll have to wear glasses.

Here, have some listings that are a bit easier to read–brought to you by Quokka U.

Saturday

4:30 p.m.   Ch. 24  WIDE WORLD OF CLUMSY–Sports, sort of

Join host Igor Fanabla as he calls the plays for the world’s clumsiest athletes. Critic Ahab Shyder called this show “a vision of Tartarus.” Still waiting for the first clumsy athlete to complete the course successfully and win a tricycle with a seat belt.

6:17 p.m.   Ch. 03   PORKY THE PIRATE–Riveting historical melodrama

Did we say “riveting”? Well, heck, that’s what Porky (Edgar Slopp) does! This week: Captain Spiggot (Soupy Sales) needs his whole bottom re-riveted–and Porky doesn’t realize he’s talking about his ship, not his buttocks! Woman who makes cryptic comments: Sandy Duncan.

Sunday

8:01 a.m.   Ch. 64   BAD DOG, LASSIE!–Unbearably tragic tales

What happens when a good dog (Footsie) goes completely bad? This week: the Whately farm is overrun by ferocious salamanders–while Lassie raids the hen-house! Mrs. Spider: (It’s a real spider, they don’t have names). Farmer Pince-nez: Chiang Tei-hsiao.

7:14 p.m.  Ch. 12   THIS DRESS DOES MAKE ME LOOK FAT!–Fashion

The contestants don’t know it, but host Ginger Ninjur has a whole bucket of locusts to turn loose in this collection of formal wedding dresses by Ingmar Bergman. Who will be the first to climb the Ladder of Escape? Who’ll be the first to ride the Chute of Despair?

Well, folks, on second thought, I won’t need glasses to watch these, after all.

Quokka in Sunglasses Smiles for the Camera Stock ...

Whaddaya think? Keep ’em or lose ’em? Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, April 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, taking over for Lee, who can’t keep track of what day it is.

Well, once your TV’s on, who needs to keep track of anything? Here are a few of this weekend’s offerings from Quokka University.

Saturday

11:45 a.m.   Ch. 46  THE MAN FROM ASHSKHABAD–Unbearable Suspense

Agents Sucrose (John Gavin) and Glucose (Barbara Bain) keep getting taken for chemicals found inside the human body! (Otherwise feeble intro saved by exclamation point!) President Pong: Arnold Stang.  First Lady: 6’8″ Wilma Dilmun. You’ve gotta see the two of them dancing!

3:05 p.m.   Ch. 14   GORILLATOWN–Western starring gorillas instead of people

They laughed at Pokeweed Studios when they put up the money for this series. Imagine! An Old West town, just west of Hibachi, TX, inhabited solely by gorillas! President Grant (Chiang-To Hsu) doesn’t know what to do about it. Neither do the screenwriters.

3:30 p.m.   Ch. 04   MOVIE–Horror from Keansburg, NJ

In The Hideous Scary Monster, Sir John Gielgud and Huntz Hall teamed up for one of 1953’s least notable movies, in which they play a pair of kindergarten teachers who share a dreadful secret. SPOILER ALERT: They never tell you what the secret is, so the hell; with ’em.

4:56 p.m.   Ch. 12   PHIL MCDONOHUESKY–Talk show

Tired of hearing about your favorite celebrities? Well, so is Phil! That’s why the studio audience is allowed to pelt the guest with pies, shoes, and beer bottles. Don’t worry: in-house medics are standing by. This week: Jennifer Anniston, Joy Behar, Steven Spielberg.

Well, folks, how do you like those shows? What a way to pass a rainy day!

Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas #animallovers ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, April 6

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

It's About TV: This week in TV Guide: April 4, 1970

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Things have been pretty messed up around here lately, but not to worry, someday we’ll get back to normal.

Meanwhile, this special edition of our TV listings is dedicated to our sister, Erlene Talbott.

Saturday

6:14 a.m.  Ch. 56  THE LOST CITY WHERE STARLINGS HANG OUT–Award-winning twaddle

Do you believe it? This show won a Golden Glob! This week: Dr. Pondo (real name unknown) keeps on trying to teach the starlings to talk and sing. Judge for yourself the professor’s sanity!

7:08 a.m.  Ch. 22   THE OTHER LOST CITY–Inane beliefs

If you’re already watching that bunk about the starlings, you probably don’t need this show.  Old Dennis the Menace fans will go ga-ga over this: the guy who played Dennis’ neighbor, Mr. Wilson, returns to the airwaves as a wise but foolish talking mushroom.

9 a.m.   Ch. 06   ROBIN HOOD 2.0–Medieval western

Robin (Hsiang Wei-fu) quits Sherwood Forest for the high plains of Kansas. The year was 1207 A.D. No stage coaches to rob! This week: Robin sinks deeper and deeper into depression. No one takes it seriously.

Well! I hope these three little shows will give you much laughings!

The 'Happiest Animal in the World' May Not Be So Happy After All – Journal of Zoology Blog

These are widely considered the three best movies ever made.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, March 29

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide August 3, 1974 NYC daytime

Great Caesar’s ghost, have we got TV shows for you! G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls: Byron the Quokka here, with TV that’ll make your socks roll up and down, courtesy of Quokka University. With no further ado, here’s a sample.

Saturday

7:33 a.m.  Ch. 41  SUPER-FAST LECTURES–Educational TV

If you don’t have an hour to sit there watching some la-dee-dah documentary… Well, how about if it was only six or seven minutes? The elves at Pull-the-Other-One University have boiled regular lectures down to a rapidly digestible form. Just by talking really fast and speeding up the video!

8:00 a.m.  Ch. 09  IF A STUNT MAN CAN DO IT…–DIY, as it were

Retired Hollywood stunt man Floyd “Gimpy” Tablecloth shows that anyone can fall down a long flight of stairs, get hit on the head with a chair, or crash through a picture window–“All it takes is desire!” This week: How to fall out of an airplane and land on the inflated safety mattress. “Your family will plotz when they see this!” Floyd says.

4:06 p.m.  Ch. 18   TARZAN THE CARDBOARD CUT-OUT–Adventure

All-new (well, not ancient!) Bulgarian action series, which the screen actors’ union initially blocked, but the producer got around it by using cardboard figures rather than live actors. This week: Tarzan (Yusha Pllynnick) gets a moveable arm–in addition to the other two that don’t move.

5:00 p.m.  Ch. 28   WACKY WORLD OF SPORTS–(What do you expect?)

“Everything’s a sport!” crows play-by-play man Vincent Caterpillar. Tonight: piggyback race through a swamp; making goofy faces in the mirror; getting fingers caught in mousetrap; and “up the hill to fetch a pail of water.” Color commentary: A woman who thinks she’s John Wayne.

Whew! If that doesn’t glue you to your TV, nothing will!

1,600+ Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images ...

Listening to a Really Fast Lecture!

Byron the Quokka, signing off

 

Byron’s TV Listings, March 22

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

tv guide siskel and ebert 1987

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of TV that’ll have you doing cartwheels in the street for joy… courtesy of the Quokka University TV Network.

Here’s a little taste of what we’ve got in store for you.

Saturday

6:30 a.m.  Ch. 51  CHARLIE CHEPECHUAHUATL–Mystery/Drama

Arch-criminal Xexpe Chotec (Eddie Lewis) plots to get Chepechuahuatl (Al Bobb) fired from the all-new Invisible Jaguar Society of Chichen Itza. Lt. Andy Smith: Aqoquache Caxamichimbe. Margie: Tehuantepetl Jones.

8:48 a.m.  Ch. 27  HOW FAR CAN YOU RUN WITH NO PANTS ON?–Innovative Game Show

Most guests don’t get too far because the police pull them in; but the guest who goes farthest down 5th Avenue wins a paper route! MC: Howard K. Mongo. Special guest host: a man who thinks he’s Julia Child.

9:10 a.m.  Ch. 08   PISTOL PACKERS!–Western (kind of)

Billed as “the world’s first Eastern Western,” Pistol Packers follows the career of Marshal Frank N. Beenz (Ben Gay), who waged a one-man war against crime in Edison Township, New Jersey. This week: Dr. Meeker (Ralph Meeker) tries to have Beenz committed, but the judge (Dora the Explora) doesn’t think he’s crazy enough for that.

Well! If those shows don’t arouse your appetite to a fever pitch, you can call me a watermelon!

Quokka

Would you believe that’s my bike, parked back there? Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, March 15

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide January 6, 1977 Philadelphia - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University, where grade point averages go to die. Here are just a few of this week’s offerings.

Saturday

5:45 p.m.   Ch. 42    MONGOLIAN BASEBALL–“Free” baseball

Tired of having to pay fees to watch a ball game on TV? Well, one simple package deal, for a mere 49 cents, will bring you all sorts of sports from the heart of Central Asia. Today: Kalgan Kippers vs. Ulan Bator Bashmaks. Losing manager gets thrown off a cliff! With Yin Chee Ching in the broadcast booth. (English translation extra charge, please.)

6 p.m.   Ch. 08   DATING GAME WITH CROCODILES–Social Justice TV

It’s always so much fun to watch the look on a contestant’s face when he (or she) learns he hasn’t won a blind date with a gorgeous partner, but only a hard push into a swimming pool full of hungry crocodiles. Commentary: Some guy who identifies as Julius Caesar.

Ch. 24   MAGIC TRICKS FOR CLUMSY OAFS–(It means what it says)

Want to be the life of the party? The Great Scappini will get you there–with magic! This week: Scappini’s classic Disappearing Coccyx trick. This was the illusion that convinced Ingrid Bergman that there was a walrus in her bedroom. Important Note: Watch the whole thing, or you won’t get the coccyx back.

OK, that’s three of ’em–three TV shows that’ll have you talking to yourself. I love those magic tricks!

The Happiest Animal on Earth Is the Quokka | HowStuffWorks

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, March 8

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide July 12, 1982 Los Angeles... - Retro TV Listings ...

Greetings, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and willya look at that? They only gave me half a TV Guide sheet. But they wouldn’t like it if I have them only half a review.

Well, that’s not how we do things at Quokka University. We provide you with TV that the other networks are too scared or lazy to broadcast. TV like this.

Friday  7:30 p.m.   Ch. 64   PLASTIC BOOBY MEN FROM SCOTCH PLAINS–Science fiction/horror    You ain’t seen nothin’ till you’ve seen this! This is the TV show that’ll put Scotch Plains, NJ, on the map. This week: a hard-luck vampire (Bobby Darin) tries to organize a cattle drive from Scotch Plains to Scotland. Ramrod: Shemp Howard. Little Bo Peep: Angie Dickinson.

7:45 p.m.  Ch. 16   BLUNDER WOMAN–Incredible adventure

“Incredible” means unbelievable. But when you see Blunder Woman  (Charo),  get tangled up in TV aerials, you’ll believe it, all right! This week: Blunder Woman gets her undies stolen by super-villain Domgar the Schmendrick (Ingrid Bergman look-alike). Music by Patsy Rimsky-Korsakoff.

8 p.m.  Ch. 07   THE COCCYX–True crime, lots of gore

Who is this master criminal only known as “The Coccyx”? The audience knows, but Detective Sergeant Mylanta (Mickey Rivers), investigating the case, doesn’t have a clue! Which is too bad–because he’s the Chief’s top suspect! Chief: Sandy Duncan. Ghoulish private eye: Jackie Gleason look-alike.

Ch. 12  I’VE GOT A HYNIE!–Totally tasteless game show, you should be run over for watching it.

This is it–THE worst, most appalling, TV show ever, in which shameless former celebrities see who has the biggest… er, “cushion.” MC’ed by some idiot who insists he’s Pharaoh Ramses IV (nobody cares). He’s the one with the tape measure. Honestly, I’d rather not talk about this show. Let’s play some Yahtzee and forget about it.

And there you have it: Quokka University TV! I can’t wait to rush home, turn on the tube, and start watching.

I’m ready for massive entertainment!

Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas #animallovers ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

 

Byron’s TV Listings, March 1

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 5 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls–and welcome to March! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s televisual treats lined up for you, courtesy of Quokka University. Without further ado, dig these samples!

Saturday

4:15 a.m.  Ch. 48  INSOMNIACS’ THEATER–All sorts of stuff

Host Lispin’ Larry Thmith introduces episode 231 of My Coccyx Won’t Quit! The Werner Schmegeggi Story, starring Yi-Fan Hao and Freddy the Field Mouse. This week: Werner learns how to bake a T-shirt. Special guest: Man who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, but doesn’t look it.

7:06 a.m.  Ch. 16  DRIVEL!–Public affairs and idiots

If you’re feeling like you can never face that waxy build-up on your kitchen floor, or your pet screech owl letting it all hang out in the middle of the night, then Drivel! is the show for you–six solid hours of blah-blah-blah, guaranteed to put you to sleep. Certified idiots discussing non-existent issues: does that sound familiar?

8:30 a.m.  Ch. 08  MR. POYZIN’S NEIGHBORHOOD–Horror and suspense

This week: Survivors of Mr. Poyzin’s victims get together to keep him from getting his own TV show. Zelly the Wart Hog: himself. Yogurt-face: Linda McCrock., Brought to you by Osbert’s Paint Chips.

9:15 a.m.  Ch. 37  TV’S MOST HATED HOSTS–Anthropology

Who are the most obnoxious hosts on TV? [My vote’s for that guy who laughs uncontrollably as he reads the nooze.] Who will wind up being tossed screaming into the live volcano? They’re up against the most vengeful and vicious fans in all of TV Land! So hang onto your hat…

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Byron the Quokka signing off