Tag: Byron’s TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 3

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV - October 28th through ...

Holy moley! Is it February already? Where did January go?

G’day, Byron the Quokka here with your weekend TV schedule brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a sample of it!

4:07 P.M.   Ch. 11  VENOMOUS INSECTS AHOY!–Game show

Temporarily ignoring the fact that spiders are not insects, how many of these poisonous bugs can our contestants stuff into a bag before getting stung? Host: Obscure polar explorer Helmut Jofnoff. Featured: The June Taylor Dancers capering mindlessly in the background.

4:15 P.M.  Ch. 08  SPECIAL REPORT–Incredibly urgent news

Since scientists announced the discovery of the Celebrity Gene two weeks ago, Congress has been grappling with the prospect of an America inhabited exclusively by celebrities, 300 million of them, with no more Ordinary Public. Literally everyone would be a celebrity! Jimmy Fraud and Mary Stupid report.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  MOVIE–Western adventure

Hoss Petrovich (Charles Bronson) is a famed gunslinger afflicted with OCD. A hundred other gunfighters want to take him down, but it’s all he can do to decide in the morning which sock goes on which foot and whether he ought to do any more tidying up before leaving his hotel room and going down to breakfast at 3:30 p.m. Judge Pennywhistle: Jackie Chan. Queen Hecuba: Dame Judith Anderson. The Duke of Pembroke: Don Knotts.

Ch. 43  SAMMY THE FLYING BLOB–Sitcom

He has no brain, he has no face, he eats laundry off the clothesline–but he lives in the suburbs with the Fimbo family (Rod Stewart, Sandy Duncan, some kid with weird eyes) and they’re stuck with him! This week: Mayor Scrawny (Chuck Norris) orders Sammy shot on sight. Song: “The Curse of an Aching Coccyx.”

P.S.–You can make your own Sammy by melting a pair of galoshes!

Byron the Quokka signing off–gotta go warm up my TV!

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A green leaf makes a great snack!

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 27

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Pin by Dale Lund on TV in 1967 | Tv guide, Tv guide listings ...

G’day, g’day–and rain, rain, go away! Byron the Quokka here, with TV delights guaranteed to get you through the bad weather without your brains falling out. Like these, for instance:

7 P.M.  Ch. 08  CAN PEOPLE GET HAIRBALLS?–Panel discussion

Join a panel of non-entity celebrities–Beto O’Rourke, Alyssa Milano, Colin Whatsisname, and some ninny who broke in here one night, looking for designer undies–as they continue to discuss this fascinating topic. They’ve been at it eight weeks now! Featuring the June Taylor Dancers and their new number, “Coccyx Busters.”

Ch. 18  THE NEWS GAME WITH JIMMY FRAUD–Penance

Can you pick out the only news item of the night that’s not a fake? If our special guests can’t, they get a shock where it’ll do the most good! Featuring Artificial People in the studio audience!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14  MOVIE–Documentary

John Phillip Tossup stars as the legendary Barroom Head-Butting champion, Windy Weinstein in It Hurts You More Than It Hurts Me (Serbo-Honduran, 2014: 781 minutes). Was Windy’s head really indestructible? Glamorous CIA Agent Barbie Vavoom (Sandy Duncan, with voice-over by Luciano Pavarotti) needs to know! Song: “Ooh, Me Achin’ Head!”, sung by studio electricians.

8 P.M.  Ch. 62  HAVE FLEAS, WILL TRAVEL–Adult Western

(Yes, everybody in this show is an adult!) Gunslinger Lightnin’ Morose (Mel Allen) can’t get rid of them dam’ itchy fleas no matter what he does! This week: A sinister shepherd (Rin Tin Tin) offers Lightnin’ a bath in his sheep dip… with results that’ll keep you freaked out for a week! Little Nell: Dame Judith Anderson. Bystander: Walter Lippman.

Well, that’s that! You’ve got some great TV this week–

The quokka is the happiest animal on Earth! : r/pics

–or my name isn’t Byron the Quokka! And that’s me, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 20

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TV Guide Dec 3-9 1977 (4) - Flashbak

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here–and is this new year whizzing by, or what? January’s almost over, and it only just started! Better slow down and relax with some of Quokka University’s vintage television.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 15  THE FLOTSAMS–Sitcom

Mr. Flotsam (Antonino Rocca) finds his pet amoeba, Jingles (voice of Luciano Pavarotti), can’t sing loud enough to be heard. Mrs. Flotsam (Linda Hunt). The Lost Trucker (Name Not Known).

Ch. 41  NEWS & PRO WRESTLING–One’s more fake than another

How about you put the news anchor’s desk in the middle of a wrestling ring while a tag-team match is going on? Anchor Willie Makit perseveres while mayhem is committed on his desk and all around it by Tarzan Tyler and Johnny Rodz vs. The Mongols. Bonus Feature: Interview with renowned economics professor Steve Blass broken up by Hulk Hogan and Spaceman Frank Hickey.

8 P.M.  Ch. 07  MOVIE–Crazy stunts with antique aeroplanes

In “Shoot My Coccyx” (Ethiopian, 2016: 398 minutes), World War I flying aces Billy Bollix (Sam Snead) and Herrmann Vermann (Andre the Giant) go all-out to shoot each other down–and heaven help anyone who gets in the way! Baron Einsweidrei (Kurt Jurgens). General LeFong (This guy from Hee Haw). Ground crew: The June Tasylor Dancers

Ch. 38  HAVE GUB, WILL TARVEL–Dyslexic Western

Beto O’Rourke (remember him?) stars as dyslexic gunslinger Adolphe Menjou, always in trouble because he can’t read or remember his instructions. Tonight: Adolphe mistakes his true love Kitty (Maggie Smith) for bad guy Black Bart Bartell (Tab Hunter) and shoots her dead–in front of 47 witnesses.Song: “Evening in Khartoum with Dervishes.”

Folks, that’s just a sample of the fabulous TV we’ve got lined up for you this weekend. I never miss an episode of  The Flotsams!

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

Cousin Veezy has color TV–I hope he’s home today! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 13

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 21st through 27th ...

G’day, everybody! Are you settling into the new year? Are you looking for some great TV? Byron the Quokka here to help you find it. Like so:

6:42 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE BANNED BAND–Variety, music

When was the last time you heard The Toilet Fixtures sing The Curse of an Aching Coccyx? Or Chucky Shooboo and Windex performing I’ve Got Hives in Hard-to-Get-At Places? Check it out! Your Host: A man with an uncanny resemblance to a poached egg.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 15  NEWS WITH GOGGLES–(Exactly what it sounds like)

If you’re one of those viewers who always thought news shows would be much, much better if everyone on screen wore goggles–well, your ship has come in! From anchorwoman Kathy Frogface down to the poor sod who has to plug in the overhead mike, they’re all in goggles! Even the sponsors.

7 P.M.  Ch. 34  UNEXPLAINED MYSTERIES THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT–Ideal for hospital patients too weak to change channels

Have you ever wondered why there are no oceans on land? Or how come there are no fairies in Balmy Beach, Kansas? They couldn’t get Leonard Nimoy, but your host, Sid Pankovitz, looks enough like Nimoy to be his third cousin once removed. How about that? Another unexplained mystery!

7:10 P.M.  Ch. 52  MOVIE–Rip-roaring Western with hand puppets

Mao Tse-tung’s hairdresser used all his influence to get this 220-minute hand-puppet Western made in 1966… only to be executed after the critics roasted it. Features the voices of various Chinese celebrities completely unknown to Western audiences! Plus musical themes stolen from American TV Westerns like The Rifleman, Rawhide, and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. The remake is said to include a plot, but we don’t believe it.

Is that enough to get you started, folks? I’m gonna watch ’em all!

1,400+ Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images ...

Grab some leaves and we’re good to go! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 6

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A Review of the 1973 TV Guide Fall Preview Issue | Cavalcade ...

Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here–and if our Quokka University TV this weekend isn’t better than those shows in TV Guide, I’ll eat your hat!

A brief sampling:

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 09  THE EVIL FAMILY OF LUNATICS–Dark melodrama

Meet the Crackpot Family (Jackie Gleason, Susan Sontag, Mel Gibson, Sally Struthers, and Alvin the Octopus)–thieves, frauds, and (we blush to say it) cannibals! Tonight: The Crackpots ambush a wagon train led by a man who thinks he’s Achilles (Soupy Sales). Special guest star: Pat Sajak from “Wheel of Fortune.”

Ch. 14   MI TIO ESTA ENFERMO–A challenge to viewers

Never mind the Spanish title, which means “My uncle is sick.” In this series, every character speaks a different language and no one understands anybody else. “May be the worst TV show ever!” writes a famous critic who doesn’t want anyone to know he watches this garbage. Wait’ll you hear Ricardo Montalban trying to speak Hawaiian.

5 P.M.  Ch. 03   NEBBISH NEWS–For pitiful, ineffectual nobodies

“There are more of us out there than you thought!” is anchorwoman Marcie Pangolin’s motto. News stories specially selected for timid, submissive, downtrodden schmoes. Tonight: Sports teams that refuse to try to win. Reported by some very shy person who will not give his name or appear on camera.

5:07 P.M.  Ch. 89  MOVIE–Murder mystery with lizards

Nobody Home in Bubo’s House (Austro-Hungarian, 1966; 940 minutes) stars persons drafted off the street, plus Tab Hunter as the maniacal Dr. Skwitt, who has trained small lizards to terrorize the city of Prague. Notable for being the only movie that Sen. Jacob Javits ever appeared in, and that by accident. And he split his pants, too.

Well now, folks, you can’t go far wrong with any one of these shows; and there are, of course, many more. Load up on snacks!

Adorable Quokka enjoying a leafy snack

The blue tag is pretty tasty, too; but you’re better off sticking to leaves.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 30

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September 15 21 1990 TV Guide Special Issue Fall Preview - Etsy Denmark

G’day, next-to-the-last day of the year! Byron the Quokka here, with this year’s last batch of fabulous weekend TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a few samples.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 09   ‘ARE WE IDIOTS?’–Panel Discussion

We’ve been waiting all year for this! Prominent newsmakers wrestle with the most important question of all–“Are we idiots?” Moderator: A very large dog with sharp teeth. Tonight’s panel: Chuck Schumer, William H. Frogg, Nancy Pelosi, Ellen Melon. They all say “No!”, but you know how they lie.

Ch. 12  SCIENCE MARCHES ON!–Sort of a documentary

Which breakthrough will come first? Teaching dogs to operate heavy machinery, or finding a use for a bachelor’s degree in Gender Studies? Expert interviews with the guy who parks your car for you, and the June Taylor Dancers.

5 P.M.  Ch. 23   HERCULES’ KITCHEN–Indescribable 

What would you get if you mixed old Steve Reeves movies with a modern cooking show and had it all put together by people who don’t communicate with each other? Let’s face it–when a Cyclops invades your kitchen, you’d better hope Hercules is there! Zeus: Andy Devine. Hera: Sandy Duncan. Embocles the Coccyx Doctor: Raymond Burr.

Ch. 41   MOVIE–Torn from the headlines

Arlene Schlubb and Jimmy Headlong are star-crossed lovers in You Can’t Get Married Without Green Stamps (Independent Serbian Film Corp., 1998; 656 minutes). This is the movie Alfred Hitchcock denied having had anything to do with! In fact, the actual director is still not known; it seems the Screen Actors Guild put out a contact on him. Guest star: Sybil Bibble. Music by General Mills.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, that’ll just about do it for 2023! I’m here to tell you, BTW, that anything with Sybil Bibble in it is pure gold. If you’ve ever seen that commercial she did for Basque Country Turtle Food, you’ll know what I mean.

quokka turtle hybrid, bold natural colors, national | Stable ...

Don’t worry–I don’t eat enough Basque Country for this to happen.

Byron the Quokka signing off: see yiz next year!

Byron’s Week Off TV Listings

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Quokka Christmas - Rottnest Island | Art Board Print

Merry Christmas, boys and girls! Byron the Quokka here–without any fabulous TV shows broadcast by the Pick-up Sticks team at Quokka University. Everybody’s got the weekend off.

But in the meantime, you can help me out by letting me know of any amazing TV shows you’d like us to rescue from obscurity. Why, just the other day, a reader from Flamflamfield, Kentucky, asked us if we could find the lost episodes of Suburban Ape-Girl, starring Jamie Lee Curtis and those kids who were in Jurassic Park. It’s all about fittimg into suburban life when you were raised by apes and still act like one.

Did we have that show in our vaults? You bet we did! You’d be amazed at the stuff we have. New York Schmendricks’ basketball! Ouija Board News! Celebrities You Never Heard Of! The Valley of Mixed Metaphors!

Whatever it is you’re looking for, just ask us! We’ll keep this page open for letters and comments all week. We’d love to hear from you!

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 16

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 18th through 24th ...

Oooh! Just nine more days till Christmas. Byron the Quokka here–and I feel kind of oogy about advertising some of this TV stuff, so close to Christmas. But it’s not anybody at Quokka University offering “Gamblers Junkets” to Las Vegas. Better you should say home and watch TV.

6:46 P.M.  Ch. 72  SUPER-SPORTZ!!!–Shameless infomercial

Supposedly this “Super-Sportz Pro Gear” will transform anyone, but anyone, into a star athlete. Buying and wearing it will also Save The Planet. Join pitchman John Kerry for an hour-long festival of lying!

7 P.M.  Ch. 10   GASSWORD–Game show in terribly poor taste

Sponsored by Alka-Seltzer, Gassword requires contestants to consume great quantities of beans and broccoli and then correctly solve intricate word puzzles before the inevitable gas attack sets in. Host: Inigo Montoya. With the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 14  NEWS WITH NOBBY–Well, it says “news,” doesn’t it?

So who’s Nobby? The invisible anchor man! The faceless interviewer! That thing you were always afraid you’d turn into if you were bitten by a certain kind of spider! Tonight: fifth-rank GOP presidential candidates are reduced to tears and shudders by Nobby’s penetrating questions. Plus sports and weather with the disembodied voices of Warner Wolf and Brigitte Crumbly.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 27  MOVIE–A trip to the Moon in more ways than one

Isabel Pinata and Jimmy Durante star as tragical lovers in Bust My Pinata, Sucker! (Papuan, 1973: 565 minutes, not counting mandatory commercials). Make sure you don’t miss that little bit with Alfred Hitchcock trying to get out of this movie before anyone thinks he directed it! Featured Song: “The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Very Large Invertebrates,” sung by Nicky the Parrot.

Folks, that’s just a sample of the avant-garde TV we’ve lined up for you here at Quokka U.! Do you know there’s an actual head of state who watches all our shows and uses them as a source of ideas for public policy? I’m not allowed to give you his or her name, though…

The Quokka: The World's Happiest Animal – Quokka Hub

One more swim, and then it’s TV time! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 2

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 18th through 24th ...

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend full of spectacular TV. And “gamblers junkets”–isn’t that disgusting? Stay home and watch TV instead!

7:01 P.M.  Ch. 16   BOXING IN WHICH NO ONE GETS HURT–Preposterous

No one gets hurt if there’s only one boxer in the ring! How do they avoid making it boring? The boxer is hypnotized to believe that vampires are closing in on him.  Don’t laugh: former heavyweight contender Gilbert Funzy split his pants and had to go into therapy for six years! Play-by-play: Deepak Chopra.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 22  JIMBO THE ELECTRIC EEL–(Don’t ask)

What happens when a full-grown electric eel takes up residence in a California swimming hole? Results can be shocking! Tonight: Jimbo the Eel (Claude Akens) tries to befriend Richard Simmons (himself)–but only succeeds in shocking him into a coma. Dr. Bango: A woman who sort of resembles Doris Day, but without the teeth.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 41  NEWS FOR COMPULSIVE LIARS

None of the reports is true–but that’s why people like ’em! Amaze your friends, if you can tell the difference between this and the regular nightly news! Heck, it took the networks four months to discover that this show’s “Dan Rather” was actually a dummy.  Tonight: Feel-good lies about our horrible economy. Commentary by the June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 06  MOVIE–Crime Drama

Beto O’Rourke stars as “Pud Zanger” (New Zealand/Spanish, 1961: 12 minutes), the detective who is supported by donations from the city’s criminal class, who recognize him as the worst detective ever. Tonight: Pud is stumped by a case of jaywalking; meanwhile, a bloodthirsty monster (Ellen Whatsername) has devoured 250 citizens without getting caught. Song: “My Coccyx Lies Over the Ocean.”

How about that, boys ‘n’ girls? Have we got fantastic TV, or have we got fantastic TV?

Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo - Download Image Now - Quokka, Animal, Herbivorous

Make sure you pick plenty of nice green leaves for tonight’s viewing.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 18

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ORIGINAL Vintage June 4 1988 TV Guide No Label Howard Cosell Al Michaels | eBay

(“You will never catch a quokka wearing a rug like that!”)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s awesome TV menu served up to you steaming hot by Quokka University! Here are just a few of these gems:

6:02 P.M.  Ch. 07  THEY CALL IT ‘HAIR’–Celebrity chit-chat

Who’s got the most unconvincing rug in Hollywood? Yeesh, look at that thing Howard Cosell wore in 1988. And they’re worried about women not making it as sportscasters? Try it as a quokka sometime!

6:15 P.M.   Ch. 12  SECRETS OF MY DNA–Science reality TV

How would you like to find out you have horseshoe crab DNA in your body? Join host Polly “the Squid” Amory as she exposes guests as not quite human. Whoever has the wildest DNA wins a part in the new werewolf movie, Lookin’ North and Walkin’ South. 

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 24  NEWS WITH CHILLBLAINS–Experimental

Would TV news be more convincing if the newsies were freezing to death as they reported it? How badly must a reporter’s teeth chatter before he can be credited with inventing a new language? How deep a shade of blue can you get before they have to let you back indoors? Studio located on Solitude Island, Russia… so you know it’s cold up there! Anchor: One of those famous people who sort of disappeared.

7  P.M.   Ch. 46  AT HOME WITH THE SHRIKES–Indefensible sitcom

Reincarnated as human after several lifetimes as savage little birds of prey, Doc and Flimsey Shrike (Walter Brennan, Donna Reed) continue their predatory ways after moving to LaFong Corners, New Jersey. Tonight: Flimsey impulsively devours a Cub Scout leader, necessitating another visit to Jimbo the Lawyer (Gabby Hayes). Special featured attraction: the June Taylor Dancers dance to “Where’s My Coccyx, Sweetheart?”

Well, that’s enough to get you started! Imagine finding out you’ve got spider DNA… and not knowing what kind of spider it is.

 

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

“Let me in! I don’t want to miss ‘The Shrikes’!”

Byron the Quokka signing off.