Tag: Byron’s TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Welcome to another weekend of Quokka University TV, live from Rottnest Island. I’m your host, Byron the Quokka. We always show a TV Guide page to get you cranked up for our offerings. I do wish I could watch Make That Spare, from the Paramus NJ Bowling Center–and Prehistoric Women! Uncle Shinbone thinks it might be the best movie ever made.

Well, here are some of our listings. Sit back with a handful of nice chewy leaves, and enjoy it!

8:14 P.M.   08, 09  HOWLER MONKEYS (Nature). A glorious 28 minutes of Costa Rican howler monkeys screeching at the cameraman, the late Ivan Pitfall.

8:15  11  Barney Dottle, Police Defective (Crime Drama) Barney thinks he’s hot on the trail of a desperate gang of armed robbers, but his continual misinterpretation of clues leads him to arrest the attendees of a PTA meeting. Barney: Jack Palance. Mrs. Dogless: The Lennon Sisters.

12  Movie–Classic Tragedy

“The Naked and the Clothed” (1957) The Bowery Boys are caught napping when Nikita Khrushchev, posing as just another neighborhood character, tricks them into revealing America’s funniest military secrets. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Khrushchev: Himself. Timon of Athens: Tim McCarver.

13  Battle of the Brains–Public Affairs

Pinky Lee hosts a debate between former U.S. Senator Biff Boff and Rep. Rosie Hejaz on the topic, “Should prayer be allowed in churches?” With Willie Sutton and his orchestra, and the June Taylor Dancers.

8:32 P.M.   03  Bowling For Dear Life–Sports/Drama

If you really need that medicine, you’d better bowl a strike! Up for grabs tonight: life-saving medicine, parole from Chateau D’If Prison, ownership of a home, graduation from law school, and other goodies. Join host Willis Twombley  as he reminds the contestants, “No pressure!”

840 QUOKKAS ideas in 2021 | quokka, happy animals, cute animals

Some readers have complained that they can’t trust these TV listings unless my picture is published with them. So that’s me, right up there–and it’s TV time!

We Admit It’s a Mess

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quokka (setonix brachyurus) rottnest island, perth, western australia - quokka stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images

G’day, boys’n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and what a mess it is. We’re not gonna get out of this weekend, are we?

Blimey!  No Joe Collidge. No  Oy, Rodney. And (oh the horror of it!) no Byron’s TV listings! How are you supposed to make it through the weekend without TV listings? Like, what is this–Russia?

The boss is sick. It’s like any minute now his poop is gonna pop. A word to the wise: keep your distance.

Maybe we can come back in the middle of the week. Can’t blame a chap for trying.

 

The Missing TV Listings

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2+ Thousand Australian Quokka Royalty-Free Images, Stock Photos & Pictures | Shutterstock

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls. Byron the Quokka here, minus our weekly TV listings. Well, the Big Guy did mention that he’s as sick as he can be, just now. And I don’t like to take his place.

So it’s no TV listings, and no Joe Collidge, either. Too bad–I was all set to trot out my Tyrannosaurus rex imitation. Last time I did, a kangaroo fainted.

Anyhow, the poor guy barely got through the day today. I’d like to make it up to him somehow. Maybe tomorrow? If we can lure Violet Crepuscular into taking a day off.

Next! Previews of Coming Attractions

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1950s ANIMATION WS Marquee proclaiming "Coming Attractions ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, holding the fort for Lee in case he feels better later and releases our new TV listings. We’ve gotta be careful with those: the big networks are always trying to steal ’em.

A duck-billed platypus named Izod says CNN has offered him all the worms he can eat if he joins their nooze team. We know better, from way back! It’d serve them right if they gave him a whopping big contract and only then found out what an infernal liar and twaddle artist he really is.

I say that meaning no disrespect.

See you all late this afternoon… maybe.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 3

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TV Guide November 23, 1986 N. Alabama afternoon-evening

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, thanks to a mixed-up schedule. Violet Crepuscular has already sworn to get me with her pea-shooter. But like the feller said, “What, me worry?” and “Better late than never.”

Here are a few selections from this weekend’s potpourri of nooze (are you amazed that I could spell that? I am!).

Sunday (too late for Saturday)

11:22 a.m.   Ch. 64   MR. ICONIC–Pure culture rot, if you ask me

Follow Mr. Iconic down the road of Pure Cliche, just off the Meaningless Drivel Highway! This week: Learn how to say “they” and “them” when you’re talking about just one person. It drives people who care about English crazy!

3 p.m.  Ch. 06   BAG THE SCORPION!–Sports

It’s the national sport of Kaboodlestan, now being played all across Europe. Today: Spatrazzini Primos vs. Yorkshire Spads, winner take the whole bag of angry scorpions! Announcer: Yi Fang Chao. Ceremonial Chant: Charlie “Mulekicker” McCroy.

6:06 p.m.  Ch. 71   SELASSIE–Unnaturally smart dog (yawn!)

Selassie, great-great-grandpup of the original Lassie, has taught herself to be Lord High Mountebank of Ethiopia–and the Big Bopper (Jock Mahoney) doesn’t like it! All of these episodes were discovered in an old strongbox tucked away in a spooky corner of an old barn where the mountebanks used to play I Doubt It. This week: Selassie finds a caterpillar in her dog chow.

Well, folks, that’s a little taste of what’s in store for you today! I hope I can get home in time not to watch Mr. Iconic!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Maybe I can borrow that bike over yonder.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, July 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide July 20, 1981 Los Angeles 5 a.m.-8 p.m.

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious, glamorous, gargantuan TV! Brought to you by Quokka University, where illusions go to die. (All right, I don’t know what I meant! It just sounded cool.)

Saturday

2:42 p.m.   Ch. 45  COCCYX MAN–Superhero drama

What if your coccyx was more than just a coccyx? What if it made you a superhero? That’s exactly what happened to Marcus Farkus (Willis McGeek) when he was trying to clean up the laboratory at night and slipped and fell into a vat of heaven knows what. Prof Knopf: Leo McKern. Woozie Suzie: Hsiang K’e-bang.

Sunday

4:17 p.m.  Ch. 16   SAN FRAN SHRUBS vs. CHARLESTON PAPERWEIGHTS–Sports (after a fashion)

Join celebrity broadcasters Herschel Worthless and Annie Victanny as the two big-league teams go at it! Object of the game: To remain perfectly still the longest! Move too early and you’re out! Sponsored by Ugly Bald Man Weiners.

6:11 p.m.  Ch. 44   LAPSY THE WONDER DOG–Indescribable suspense

No one will believe Lapsy when she tries to warn Farmer YoHo (George “Sparky” Blotz) and his family of talking axolotls. Lapsy must act! Will it do any good to chew up a lot of coarse grass and get terribly ill? We’ll see! Mrs. Bobble: Anne Francis.

So there you have it, folks–this week’s highlights. I can’t wait to see who’s best at remaining perfectly still for hours at a time!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Gee, I wonder if that bike is up for grabs…

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 19

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

More TV Guide - 1967

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, to usher you into a glorious weekend of otherwise unobtainable TV viewing. Here’s just a teensy-weensy taste of what awaits you!

Saturday

11:04 a.m.   Ch. 51  MONTREAL EXPOS BURNOUT THEATER–Indescribable

Former reserve outfielder Bombo Rivera hosts classic dramas starring the Montreal Expos’ bench instead of real actors and actresses! This week: Hamlet, with infielder Coco LaBoy in the title role. Sponsored by Allez-Oop Pest Control.

4:18 p.m.  Ch. 31  MOVIE–Sentimental slop

In Voyage of the U.S.S. Grand Mammoo (1960, 254 minutes), we see what happens when a destroyer captain ( wrestling legend Lou Albano) becomes obsessed with weird voices he hears coming from the cookie jar . The ship’s psychiatrist (Donald Pleasance)  can’t help–he hears ’em, too!

Sunday

5:18 a.m.  Ch. 22   TUNGUSKA HOG-CHOKERS VS. INDIANAPOLIS DUST–“Tough Man competition”

Can you run into a brick wall at top speed–and still be able to chug-a-lug a quart of buttermilk? Join host Alan Dingbat as he totals up the carnage: team with the last man standing wins! Color: William “Flat-Face” Jones.

Well, guys, those shows ought to get you started! Some of the wombats around here started their own Tough Man competition… but the ant-eaters beat them to it.

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 12

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Greetings, earthlings! (I’ve always wanted to say that!) Byron the Quokka here, with just a sample of the incalculable bliss that your TV viewing will provide this week! (Always wanted to say that, too). Brought to you by Quokka University–and here’s a snippet from our menu.

Saturday

6:06 a.m.  Ch. 44   TOY BOY SQUADRON–Wartime adventure

In peacetime they live off foolish old ladies with lots of money. War cramps their style! This week: Col. Bumpus (former Cubs outfielder Jose Cardenal) latches on to a French heiress (Maddy Hagfish): has he just made his fortune?

8:18 p.m.  Ch. 19  THE COCCYX CHORUS–Variety

This week’s guests include Arnie Sacknussen (mail box imitation), the Slop Sisters (they’ll make you cry); and Betty Woont (tragical movie scenes adapted for performance on a trampoline). Your host: Xi Jin Ping look-alike, Bo Hardy.

Sunday

2:14 p.m.  Ch. 16  MUSHY BASEBALL, RUG-CHEWERS VS. IDLE HANDS–Sports, live from Old Bridge, NJ

It’s not softball, it’s not hardball–it’s mushball! Rug-Chewers offense features keen negotiators, while the Idle Hands rely on scary rubber snakes in the other team’s dugout. Play-by-play and commentary: Ellen Melon, Squeaky Bubu. Sponsored by Ringtails, the non-alcoholic beer that gets you roaring drunk anyway.

Well, that should be enough to get you going! You’ll be pleased to know the President’s Council on Physical Fitness has once again overlooked Quokka U.

2+ Thousand Rottnest Island Quokka Royalty-Free Images, Stock Photos & Pictures | Shutterstock

Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, July 5

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Northern Michigan edition of TV Guide from September 22 ...

Here’s hoping you all had a spiffy Fourth of July. Byron the Quokka here, and today we have Fifth of July programming. Featuring stuff like this:

Saturday

8:27 p.m.   Ch. 15   SPECIAL REPORT: “CRYING AT WORK”–Nooze (What else?)

Join Weepin’ Willie McGrew and Hysterical Annie Plod as they struggle to present the day’s news without crying. They’ve just found out it’s only a one-shot special, there are no plans to make it a series… so they’re already bawling about that.

9:01 p.m.  Ch. 26  ANOTHER SPECIAL REPORT: “BUGS IN MY UNDIES”–

The War of the Brainless News Specials escalates as WDOG unleashes its famous “Bugs in My Undies” news special. (I don’t know how they ever filmed that scene with the praying mantises!) WBNX is expected to fire back with “Horrifying Diseases of the Coccyx.

Sunday

7:33 a.m.   Ch. 12  THE ASSAFOETIDA HOUR–Game show

Can you spell “assafoetida”? If you can’t, Albert the Studio Monkey will pelt you with various repulsive objects while all the other contestants get wheelbarrows full of cash. Host: Oswald Spengler, author of The Decline of the West or something or other.

Well, that should be enough to get you started!

Meet the Adorable Quokka, Known as the 'Happiest Animal on Earth' | Discover Magazine

And I’d better learn how to spell “Assafurschlunga”–or whatever it is. Byron the Quokka signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, June 28

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Speaking of quokkas… G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another slate of fabulous TV shows brought to you by Quokka University. Somebody famous went there once, but I can’t remember who it was.

Meanwhile, check out these shows.

Saturday

10:17 a.m.   Ch. 23   YOU CAN’T BEAT MR. DRUM–Variety (as it were)

Join your host, Titus A. Drum, as drunken contestants try to do impossible things in hope of winning cheap prizes! This week: running a marathon in the nude; Playing soccer with a large rock instead of a ball.

2:48 p.m.  Ch. 03  Movie–JUNGLE JIM’S APPALLING SECRET–Drama

Jungle Jim (Asa Schimmelpfennig: they couldn’t get Weismuller) finds a lost city inhabited by people who aren’t quite all there. Professor Twist: Billy Gilbert. The Ol’ Prospector: Froggy the Gremlin.

Sunday

4:15 p.m.  Ch. 44   NBA REJECTS BASKETBALL–Sports

The Newark Fouls take on the Detroit Sad Sacks at The Roach Motel, Cleveland. Featured as the long-awaited showdown between Bigfoot LaPong and “Poison Larry” Inksipper, a former mayor of Cleveland (unidentified) will crouch timorously on half-court. Announcer: Some Renaissance artist we didn’t know was still around.

7:22   Ch. 60   DR. CHEMO’S MASTER CLASS–Sitcom

What do you get when you mix sulfuric acid with nitroglycerin and Cheerios? Dr. Chemo (John Zacherle) and his students may not know, offhand, but they’re always eager to find out. Oops… looks like Hambone Junior High School needs another roof.

Well, that’s that! These shows have been selected by a genius. I can hardly wait for the NBA Rejects!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Byron the Quokka, signing off…