Tag: Byron’s TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, March 8

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide July 12, 1982 Los Angeles... - Retro TV Listings ...

Greetings, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and willya look at that? They only gave me half a TV Guide sheet. But they wouldn’t like it if I have them only half a review.

Well, that’s not how we do things at Quokka University. We provide you with TV that the other networks are too scared or lazy to broadcast. TV like this.

Friday  7:30 p.m.   Ch. 64   PLASTIC BOOBY MEN FROM SCOTCH PLAINS–Science fiction/horror    You ain’t seen nothin’ till you’ve seen this! This is the TV show that’ll put Scotch Plains, NJ, on the map. This week: a hard-luck vampire (Bobby Darin) tries to organize a cattle drive from Scotch Plains to Scotland. Ramrod: Shemp Howard. Little Bo Peep: Angie Dickinson.

7:45 p.m.  Ch. 16   BLUNDER WOMAN–Incredible adventure

“Incredible” means unbelievable. But when you see Blunder Woman  (Charo),  get tangled up in TV aerials, you’ll believe it, all right! This week: Blunder Woman gets her undies stolen by super-villain Domgar the Schmendrick (Ingrid Bergman look-alike). Music by Patsy Rimsky-Korsakoff.

8 p.m.  Ch. 07   THE COCCYX–True crime, lots of gore

Who is this master criminal only known as “The Coccyx”? The audience knows, but Detective Sergeant Mylanta (Mickey Rivers), investigating the case, doesn’t have a clue! Which is too bad–because he’s the Chief’s top suspect! Chief: Sandy Duncan. Ghoulish private eye: Jackie Gleason look-alike.

Ch. 12  I’VE GOT A HYNIE!–Totally tasteless game show, you should be run over for watching it.

This is it–THE worst, most appalling, TV show ever, in which shameless former celebrities see who has the biggest… er, “cushion.” MC’ed by some idiot who insists he’s Pharaoh Ramses IV (nobody cares). He’s the one with the tape measure. Honestly, I’d rather not talk about this show. Let’s play some Yahtzee and forget about it.

And there you have it: Quokka University TV! I can’t wait to rush home, turn on the tube, and start watching.

I’m ready for massive entertainment!

Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas #animallovers ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

 

Byron’s TV Listings, March 1

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 5 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls–and welcome to March! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s televisual treats lined up for you, courtesy of Quokka University. Without further ado, dig these samples!

Saturday

4:15 a.m.  Ch. 48  INSOMNIACS’ THEATER–All sorts of stuff

Host Lispin’ Larry Thmith introduces episode 231 of My Coccyx Won’t Quit! The Werner Schmegeggi Story, starring Yi-Fan Hao and Freddy the Field Mouse. This week: Werner learns how to bake a T-shirt. Special guest: Man who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, but doesn’t look it.

7:06 a.m.  Ch. 16  DRIVEL!–Public affairs and idiots

If you’re feeling like you can never face that waxy build-up on your kitchen floor, or your pet screech owl letting it all hang out in the middle of the night, then Drivel! is the show for you–six solid hours of blah-blah-blah, guaranteed to put you to sleep. Certified idiots discussing non-existent issues: does that sound familiar?

8:30 a.m.  Ch. 08  MR. POYZIN’S NEIGHBORHOOD–Horror and suspense

This week: Survivors of Mr. Poyzin’s victims get together to keep him from getting his own TV show. Zelly the Wart Hog: himself. Yogurt-face: Linda McCrock., Brought to you by Osbert’s Paint Chips.

9:15 a.m.  Ch. 37  TV’S MOST HATED HOSTS–Anthropology

Who are the most obnoxious hosts on TV? [My vote’s for that guy who laughs uncontrollably as he reads the nooze.] Who will wind up being tossed screaming into the live volcano? They’re up against the most vengeful and vicious fans in all of TV Land! So hang onto your hat…

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 22

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide June 29, 1970 S. Florida daytime - Retro TV ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Have we got TV for you this weekend! Byron the Quokka here–with a small sample of what Quokka University has lined up for you. Let’s get started!

Saturday

6:46 a.m., Ch. 42  THE BUNDLES!–Paranormal suspense thriller

They twitch. They shift their position when no one’s looking. They make funny noises. Can super-detective Fong Hsueh-ting crack the case before it cracks him? Tonight: The bundles turn up in Mrs. Fogg’s (Peggy Cass) linen closet and get her charged with witchcraft. Sister Mucilage: Linda Hunt

11:00 a.m., Ch. 14  THE POPPY GULUMPHO SHOW–Variety of a very low order

The Cross-Eyed Chorus! Dog sings Dixie! Boy who thinks he’s a bat! Poppy’s got ’em all–even after being banished from all the major networks. Featuring Doc Trotsky and his People’s Revolting Band.

3:11 p.m.  Ch. 56  I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET–Sort of a reality show

Can host Sylvia Algae’s team of crack busybodies ferret out the most shameful secrets among the studio audience? The whole country’s still buzzing about that guy who peed the rug when he was 26 years old and got his nephew blamed for it. Boo, hiss!

4 p.m.  Ch. 08  NOSY AUNT FIFI–Melodrama (with obnoxious organ music)

Nosy Aunt Fifi (Sharon Sharalike) bites off more than she can chew when she pokes her nose into the diaries of local Mafia chieftain Vinnie “the Protozoan” Colooch (Wade Boggs). Has her luck run out? Song: My Coccyx Feels Funny.

There! That should get you started.

Quokka Spotting | How & Where to See Rottnest Island's Quokkas

Waiting for my ship to come in! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 16

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide Magazine Covers Celebrate Daytime Soap Operas - Daytime Confidential

Poor old Leester–missed Valentine’s Day. Well, let’s bring it back! Courtesy of Quokka Uniiversity.

2 p.m.  Ch. 03   THEY’VE GOT MY GOAT!–Melodrama (kung-fu added)

You train your goat, Osbert. to do all these spectacular tricks… And then the Iron Boat Clan comes along and kidnaps him! Ma-Foo Yi: Soupy Sales. Wan Hung Lo: Dick Van Dyke. Tan Bu-Ting: Carol Burnett.

Ch. 15  BLUBBERY STATE VS SCOTLAND YARD–Sports

The Blubbery State squad had better be careful: Scotland Yard arrests the teams that oppose them. They’re not really college football players, you see. Coach Fundee picked them up in Indonesia somewhere. Play-by-Play: Rosie Ruction.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!–Grimly disturbing melodrama. Yves Montand starts as a Frenchman who is really bent out of shape by this development! Also featuring Rosemary De Camp as the Borax Lady.

Ch. 49  THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF THE OTHER TRISTRAM SHANDY WHO WAS NOT A GENTLEMAN– Archaic soap opera

Yes, there were two Tristram Shandys, and one of them (Charles Bronson) wasn’t very nice! Tonight: The good Tristram Shandy (Al Packa) invents a riding mower–only to have it stolen by the hurdy-gurdy man (Dan Rather). Mrs. Bluefish: (Irene Ryan)

Well, how do you like those apples?

30+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

I wonder if they’d let me borrow this bicycle…

 

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 8

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1958

Move over, Leester! Byron the Quokka here, with some real TV listings that’ll knock your socks off–courtesy of Quokka University. These are among the greatest TV shows ever! Go ahead, ask anybody.

7 p.m.   Ch. 16  PICASSO DOESN’T SCHLEP HERE ANYMORE–Art history

This is highbrow stuff, no kidding! Tonight: Famous Artists Who Itched All the time and Didn’t Know Why. Host: Simon LeGree. Sponsored by Culver’s Skin Cream (Just wipe it on and wipe it off–hours of fun).

Ch.  25   WORLD NEWS WITH MR. WOODENHEAD–Exactly what you’d expect.

How about a nightly news broadcast in which the entire crew is clumsily painted marionettes? The anchor, Mr. Woodenhead, is also available to children as a sock puppet. Imagine the shock and awe suffered by the experts when this newscast walked off with the coveted Pete Bohunk Prize!

7:15 p.m.   Ch. 31  PUPPETS WHO PULL THE STRINGS–Sci-fi drama

This is why Channel 25 is suing Channel 31 in the Malagasy Republic Supreme Court. “Total rip-off!” cries the plaintiff. Meanwhile, imagine a world ruled by ruthless, all-powerful puppets! Theme song, Who’s Got Strings Attached Now?, earned star Ralph Lickspittle an Ambrose Fong Award.

7:30 p.m.  Ch. 14  EXCAULIFLOWER–Historical adventure

This is the story of King Barfur (Juan Valdez) and his Knights of the Craps Table. This week, Sir Pantsalot goes on a quest for the Holy Grail and comes back with the Groly Hail; and Queen Effervessent’s annual ping-pong tournament has to be canceled on account of monkeys.

Well, now, how about that! Are those TV shows or are those TV shows! You wouldn’t believe how much art history I’ve learned, watching Picasso Doesn’t Schlep Here Anymore.

516 Quokka Stock Photos, High-Res Pictures, and Images - Getty Images | Quokka selfie, Quokka smile, Quokka smiling

(I will not steal that bicycle, I will not steal that bicycle…!)

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 1

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide January 6, 1968 N. California... - Retro TV ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Happy February Fools Day!  Here at Quokka University, we’re celebrating it with a solid weekend of fabulous TV. We’ve got shows and movies that you never dreamed existed! Like these:

6:48 p.m.   Ch. 96   MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

A world-class pianist (Marjorie Main) thinks her bra is imbued with a sinister intelligence, in The Bra (1951, 14 minutes). Prof. Sahib Gupta (himself). Hapless victim stalked by bra: Jill St. John. Pretentious German novelist (Don Knotts).

7 p.m.   Ch. 09   Evening News With Soupy Sales–Old news

Way back in 1969, Uruguayan guerrillas kidnapped comedian Soupy Sales, mistaking him for Walter Cronkite and forcing him to anchor newscasts favorable to their cause. When they finally realized their mistake, they offered to trade Soupy for Warner Wolf. Tune in to get the whole story!

Ch. 22   I BUSTED MY COCCYX, MAN!–Dramatic sitcom

It isn’t every TV sitcom that has beavers in it (no, we are not counting Leave It to Beaver!); but Coccyx not only has beavers: it started out as a nitty-gritty detective series starring Fong Hsueh-ding. They kept Fong, the beavers Pat and Mike, and the Coccyx but chucked the rest. Special guest star: Roy Rogers. Not-so-special star: Some Mameluke caught loitering in the alley next to the studio.

7:30   Ch. 42  MRS. MAGOO–Adult cartoons

Mr. Magoo may be very nearly blind, but Mrs. Magoo sees things that nobody else sees because there’s nothing there! By the same animators who brought you Joe Biden, Mrs. Magoo has been hailed as positively the greatest TV show ever! This week: Mrs. Magoo tries to catch the scorpions crawling all over her breakfast table and into Mr. Magoo’s soup.

Well, folks, that should hold you for a weekend!

What Makes Quokkas So Happy?!? — Well/Beings

You can see Mrs. Magoo has already put me in a good mood. Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 18

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide January 1, 1975 E. New... - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with your weekend television offerings by Quokka University. And look at that TV Guide page I posted. At least you can read our listings! Like f’rinstance…

4:30 a.m.  Ch. 03  YOUR FAVORITE CLASSIC TEST PATTERNS–(what do you expect for 4:30 in the morning?)

This is what used to be on TV in the wee hours of the morning. Yes, the programming day had a beginning and an end! There were actually hours with nothing on. Nothing except these. Makes you wonder, eh?

6 a.m.   Ch. 08    SUNRISE SYMPOSIUM–Pseudo-intellectual claptrap

If it wasn’t so early in the morning you’d easily catch out the “panel” as just another bunch of fat-heads. But at 6 a.m., who’s alert enough to catch on? Today: Prof. Anton Gesundheit (voodoo, Canola College) leads the panel in a discussion of  “Are We Providing the Intellectual Window-Dressing the World Needs?” No one seems to know!

6:17 a.m.    Ch. 41  MY FRIEND FLOOKA–A boy and his… what?

Forget Lassie and Fury! Flooka is a Brachiosaurus, 25 feet high, 65 feet long, and absolutely devoted to his human friend, Yongari (named for a movie monster–what were his parents thinking?). This week: Yongari (Fong Hsueh-Ding) gets caught in quicksand. Will Flooka, with a brain no bigger than a ping-pong ball, be able to figure out how to rescue him?  Gramps: Justin Trudeau. Fudgie the Whale: Gertrude Stein.

I’m stopping here, folks, because I found a classic test pattern and wanted you to see it. Some of you weren’t born in time to see some of these.

220 Television Test Pattern Stock Photos, High-Res Pictures ...

I always wondered what the guy in the head-dress was all about. We don’t have anyone like that on Rotnest Island.

Oh, well–Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 11

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here with this weekend’s spectacular TV lineup offered by Quokka University. Compare our sample with that stuff from 1964 (see above).

9:27 a.m.   Ch. 42   AREL UZBEK LIVE!–Talk like you never heard before

The popular Central Asian talk show host sets up shop in Gary, Indiana! This morning’s guests: A man who’s never owned a camel but always wanted one; Sidney Blumenthal; a nameless woman who eats Milk Bones dog biscuits.

9:30 a.m.  Ch. 16   MOVIE–Indescribable horror and suspense

In El Cid Meets the Mummy (Honduran/Danish, 1974: 164 minutes), Spain’s national hero (Buddy Hackett) goes up against a rampaging mummy (Marjorie Maine) that’s turning Boston into a ghost town! Head Ghost: Laura Dern. Man Who Looks Like Groucho Marx: Harry Washtub.

10:50 p.m.  Ch. 23   ROLLER DERBY BASEBALL–Sports (sort of)

What happens when you mix roller derby with baseball? Tune in and find out! Play-by-play guy Arnold Potsdam takes you through this week’s hot game, featuring the Lansing Boyles vs. the Syracuse Pharisees. Special guest: Edith Swonk, lifetime record-holder for in-game suspensions. Sponsored by Big Ape Chewing Gum.

11:12 a.m.   Ch. 06   CRYBABY KOSTRO–Western

Who’s the fastest gun in Finrod Beach, North Carolina? Frank Buttocks stars as Crybaby while the rest of the cast tries to explain how the North Carolina coast can possibly be the locale for a Western. This week: Some guy from another Western (Clint Eastwood) has to be shot when he makes a lewd remark in the Finrod Saloon.

Well, folks, there’s your sample! If you’re lookin’ for fabulous TV, your search has ended.

I’d be happier if they let us post still photos! But an ear of corn on the cob covers a multitude of sins.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 4

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Laura the Explorer | “Just a quokka-tastic moment! 🦘📸 Who ...

Happy New Year, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here… in a kind of paradise of bicycles. I’m here to bring you a sample of Quokka University TV .

8:30 a.m.   Ch. 15   ICED TEA WITH WILMA–Talk, talk, talk

Join Wilma Zavoody as she babbles and cackles with guests you’ve never heard of and will never see again! Today: Professor Dylan McMillan, who makes mud pies and tries to get his students to eat them. You’ll be surprised how often he succeeds!

8:36 a.m.   Ch. 26   TALES FROM THE BUSTED COCCYX—Historical romance

Magnus Spagnus (Robert Shaw) operates an 18th century inn where very strange things happen! Today: The ghost of a sadistic highwayman (Bela Lugosi) haunts the luxury bedroom on the second floor. He also plays Yahtzee. Just in time for Britain’s Imperial Yahtzee champion (Joan Collins) to challenge him to a match.

9:00 a.m.  Ch. 06  HAMBONE! THE RETURN–Philosophy

Sandy Becker played Hambone in the 1960s. Now the torch is passed–to Janice Ksheev, latest in a long line of Hambone imitators. Watch her dance her way through dangers that would demoralize an ordinary man. And absorb the wisdom of Hambone (“Wet wood burns the best,” and other wise sayings).

Well, that’s that. I’m so happy that they’re bringing Hambone back to TV. I was running out of Cisco Kid reruns.Here’s a video cut to whet your appetite.

Byron the Quokka, signing off (don’t want to miss Hambone)!

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 21

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV listings from Quokka University. You won’t find these in TV Guide!

8 a.m.   Ch. 41   Kevin Measley Presents–He calls himself “The Last of the Hittites” and all his guests are as daft as he is! Tonight: Kevin visits farmer Vince Potash in Broken Adze, New Mexico, who claims his potatoes can talk and sing.

8:12 a.m.   Ch. 53  Weather With Arlene Schnook–Famous for her on-air tantrums, you never know how the weather’s going to affect her mood. “The next time it happens,” warns the CEO at Channel 53, “she’s out of here for good!”

9 a.m.  Ch. 10  Shakespeare for Fish–What do your tropical fish do all day while you’re away at work? Just swimming around the aquarium gets old after a while! Enter Fong Hsueh-Ding, the Chinese genius who rewrote the entire works of William Shakespeare to make them understandable to parakeets and frogs. “Neon tetras are crazy for Richard III,” he says.

Byron here again: “Sorry to bring you only three programs, but there’s been a lot of trouble with these big foul-tempered crickets lately, and Rottnest Island’s in a bit of an uproar.”

Look at this. They won’t let us post still photos anymore. They got up to all kinds of mischief while Lee was in the hospital. We’ll be lucky if they haven’t made this video go round and round in circles.