Tag: crazy TV listings

Next! Previews of Coming Attractions

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1950s ANIMATION WS Marquee proclaiming "Coming Attractions ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, holding the fort for Lee in case he feels better later and releases our new TV listings. We’ve gotta be careful with those: the big networks are always trying to steal ’em.

A duck-billed platypus named Izod says CNN has offered him all the worms he can eat if he joins their nooze team. We know better, from way back! It’d serve them right if they gave him a whopping big contract and only then found out what an infernal liar and twaddle artist he really is.

I say that meaning no disrespect.

See you all late this afternoon… maybe.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, July 19

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More TV Guide - 1967

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, to usher you into a glorious weekend of otherwise unobtainable TV viewing. Here’s just a teensy-weensy taste of what awaits you!

Saturday

11:04 a.m.   Ch. 51  MONTREAL EXPOS BURNOUT THEATER–Indescribable

Former reserve outfielder Bombo Rivera hosts classic dramas starring the Montreal Expos’ bench instead of real actors and actresses! This week: Hamlet, with infielder Coco LaBoy in the title role. Sponsored by Allez-Oop Pest Control.

4:18 p.m.  Ch. 31  MOVIE–Sentimental slop

In Voyage of the U.S.S. Grand Mammoo (1960, 254 minutes), we see what happens when a destroyer captain ( wrestling legend Lou Albano) becomes obsessed with weird voices he hears coming from the cookie jar . The ship’s psychiatrist (Donald Pleasance)  can’t help–he hears ’em, too!

Sunday

5:18 a.m.  Ch. 22   TUNGUSKA HOG-CHOKERS VS. INDIANAPOLIS DUST–“Tough Man competition”

Can you run into a brick wall at top speed–and still be able to chug-a-lug a quart of buttermilk? Join host Alan Dingbat as he totals up the carnage: team with the last man standing wins! Color: William “Flat-Face” Jones.

Well, guys, those shows ought to get you started! Some of the wombats around here started their own Tough Man competition… but the ant-eaters beat them to it.

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 5

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Northern Michigan edition of TV Guide from September 22 ...

Here’s hoping you all had a spiffy Fourth of July. Byron the Quokka here, and today we have Fifth of July programming. Featuring stuff like this:

Saturday

8:27 p.m.   Ch. 15   SPECIAL REPORT: “CRYING AT WORK”–Nooze (What else?)

Join Weepin’ Willie McGrew and Hysterical Annie Plod as they struggle to present the day’s news without crying. They’ve just found out it’s only a one-shot special, there are no plans to make it a series… so they’re already bawling about that.

9:01 p.m.  Ch. 26  ANOTHER SPECIAL REPORT: “BUGS IN MY UNDIES”–

The War of the Brainless News Specials escalates as WDOG unleashes its famous “Bugs in My Undies” news special. (I don’t know how they ever filmed that scene with the praying mantises!) WBNX is expected to fire back with “Horrifying Diseases of the Coccyx.

Sunday

7:33 a.m.   Ch. 12  THE ASSAFOETIDA HOUR–Game show

Can you spell “assafoetida”? If you can’t, Albert the Studio Monkey will pelt you with various repulsive objects while all the other contestants get wheelbarrows full of cash. Host: Oswald Spengler, author of The Decline of the West or something or other.

Well, that should be enough to get you started!

Meet the Adorable Quokka, Known as the 'Happiest Animal on Earth' | Discover Magazine

And I’d better learn how to spell “Assafurschlunga”–or whatever it is. Byron the Quokka signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, June 28

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Speaking of quokkas… G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another slate of fabulous TV shows brought to you by Quokka University. Somebody famous went there once, but I can’t remember who it was.

Meanwhile, check out these shows.

Saturday

10:17 a.m.   Ch. 23   YOU CAN’T BEAT MR. DRUM–Variety (as it were)

Join your host, Titus A. Drum, as drunken contestants try to do impossible things in hope of winning cheap prizes! This week: running a marathon in the nude; Playing soccer with a large rock instead of a ball.

2:48 p.m.  Ch. 03  Movie–JUNGLE JIM’S APPALLING SECRET–Drama

Jungle Jim (Asa Schimmelpfennig: they couldn’t get Weismuller) finds a lost city inhabited by people who aren’t quite all there. Professor Twist: Billy Gilbert. The Ol’ Prospector: Froggy the Gremlin.

Sunday

4:15 p.m.  Ch. 44   NBA REJECTS BASKETBALL–Sports

The Newark Fouls take on the Detroit Sad Sacks at The Roach Motel, Cleveland. Featured as the long-awaited showdown between Bigfoot LaPong and “Poison Larry” Inksipper, a former mayor of Cleveland (unidentified) will crouch timorously on half-court. Announcer: Some Renaissance artist we didn’t know was still around.

7:22   Ch. 60   DR. CHEMO’S MASTER CLASS–Sitcom

What do you get when you mix sulfuric acid with nitroglycerin and Cheerios? Dr. Chemo (John Zacherle) and his students may not know, offhand, but they’re always eager to find out. Oops… looks like Hambone Junior High School needs another roof.

Well, that’s that! These shows have been selected by a genius. I can hardly wait for the NBA Rejects!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byon’s TV Listings, June 22

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Sept 3, 1966 TV Guide Maga(DEBUTS OF GREEN HORNET, TIME TUNNEL, THAT GIRL,TARZAN | eBay

Let’s try to be normal for a little bit, shall we?

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with some TV listings you surely would’ve missed if not for Quokka TV and me. Like these, for instance.

Saturday (Oops, missed these on the first go-round.)

4:30 p.m.   Ch. 85   THE GREEN APHID–Adventures of a bug man

The hugely unpopular spinoff of The Green Hornet. This week: The Aphid (Chiang Mullbury) sneaks into Roskolnikoff’s garden and eats up all his snapdragons–but will it stop Roskolnikoff (Pat Buttram) from taking over the world?

8 p.m.   Ch. 19  MOVIE–I MARRIED A GIANT SPIDER (Swedish, 1958)

Marjorie Main stars as a Stockholm bar maid whose arachnophobia gets the better of her. This was the very last movie directed by Sven “Bluebeard” Jokulssen. Special guest star: Pinky the Wolf Spider.

Sunday

2 p.m.   Ch. 24  Sports–BEANBALL DERBY with Oskar Meyer

It’s getting harder and harder to find regular baseball games on TV; but there’s still Beanball Derby. This week: the Newark Walking Wounded vs. Hillsboro Tyrants–last man standing is the winner! Brought to you by Acme Wound Dressings.

Sorry, that’s all we’ve got time for today. Some of these shows take all day, though.

Quokka Therapy At CCHS – The Voice

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings: June 7

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TV Guide May 25, 1964 S. Ohio daytime

The boss has been sick all week, so for this week’s TV listings, I’m on my own–Byron the Quokka, the Grand Pooh-bah of obscure TV shows that nobody watches. Except for the ones I watch. Here are a few of my favorites.

Saturday

5:30 a.m., Ch. 46   THE SKINFLINTSTONES–the lowest comedy imagineable

What if our prehistoric ancestors were a lot of tightwads? What if they were cheap and stingy before money was invented? Tune in to watch Pa Skinflintstone (Matt Sigfusson) try to cheat Bjarni (Rocky Timoshenko) out of his weekly slosh ration.

4 p.m., Ch. 14  KITCHEN OF INDESCRIBABLE DELIGHTS–Cooking show, believe it or not

It’s only later that we find out the only reason these delights are indescribable is because Chef Ronnie Hsiao can’t describe anything! “You, ah, take this pointy thing and cut open this thing with dots all over it…” And then he makes barnyard noises. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Sunday

1:34 p.m., Ch. 12  MOVIE–High and Low Adventure

In Your Mama’s Busted Coccyx (Nebraska, 2002) Chad Boccigalup stars as Shorty Remco, the CIA’s most deadly secret agent. In this outing, Shorty slips up and inadvertently rubs out the Director (Bugs Bunny Jones), posing a challenging problem to Senator Hobo (an animated bas-relief–the latest thing!) Admiral Sprocket: No one in particular.

Well, boys ‘n’ gulls, that ought to doll up your weekend like nobody’s business! Settle down in your burrow with a jar of pickles and just let the world go by.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

How Quokkas Selfies Help Their Population Bounce Back

(The guy with the whiskers thinks anyone can be a quokka. Sigh! Oh, the ignorance!}

Byron’s TV Listings, May 31

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TV Guide, November 15, 1969 - "The Governer and J.J."

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with Lee’s blog. I guess I’ll throw you some TV listings. Lee’s a bit ga-ga today, so cut us some slack. Here we go!

Saturday

12:08 p.m., Ch. 42   WHOPPER WORLD–Liars get theirs

Tired of TV anchormen and assorted “experts” lying to you? Host Huckleberry Hound sure is! His crack investigative team tirelessly exposes Lies by Rich and Famous Nick-nocks. “Scared me right out of the news business!”confesses former anchor Juli McGooley.

1:08, Ch. 60   MOVIE: DIGGING GENGHIS KHAN–Archaeology for people who don’t watch “Whopper World”

Join Harry Larrabee’s Mongol Wannabes as they search for the legendary Tomb of Genghis Khan in all sorts of unlikely places. This week: Double Trouble, New Jersey; Epoxy Station, Utah. Psychiatric services provided by Guess What, You’re Sane!

Sunday

2:02 p.m., Ch. 81   MIMSY’S GUERRILLA KITCHEN–Cooking stuff you never thought of cooking

Actually it should be spelled “gorilla” because that’s what it is: a bunch of gorillas in a kitchen. Someone tied Mimsy to the back bumper of a 1954 Dodge, so the apes are on their own. Special Guest Star: Gordon (where’s he been?) Lightfoot.

Sorry, but that’s all we’ve got for you this week. The Boss runs out of gas every few minutes. Dreaming about being sucked back into the hospital has not left him with a lot of oomph this morning.

And so, for the time being, this is Byron the Quokka signing off.

Meet the Quokka

Don’t bother me about listing only 3 shows! A quokka can only do what a quokka’s gotta do.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, April 26

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TV Guide September 22, 1964 Colorado

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with a spiffy offering of under-appreciated TV shows, collected by Quokka University. Ooh, look at that! One of my all-time favorites: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. That was almost as great as The Quokka from Kalgoorlie! Speaking of which…

Saturday

4:16 p.m.   Ch. 22  THE QUOKKA FROM KALGOORLIE–Intense drama

Imagine my astonishment when I discovered that Uncle Quiggly wasn’t the first quokka to solve a crime. Peter Graves played Dig-‘Em-Up Jones, the first Quokka to solve a murder case. Some of us were unhappy that Peter Graves didn’t look much like a quokka; but I think we’re big enough to let that slide. This week:Jones digs up a 13,000-year-old murder–right in his own back yard! Commissioner: Michael J. Pollard. President of France: Huntz Hall.

4:30 p.m.  Ch. 31  500 MILES TO WICHITA–Intense suspense

Whoever gets to Wichita first gets to decide the fate of the human race! Arch-villain: Danny DeVito. Heroic Secret Agent: Danny DeVito. That’s right, he plays identical twins. Better not lose track of who’s who! You might blow up the world.

Sunday

3:07 p.m.  Ch. 15  DIY ABDOMINABLE SURGERY–(We couldn’t bear to watch)

So you thought Dr. Morgus was kidding, when he introduced Do-It-Yourself Surgery back in the 1970’s? Ha! Shows what you know! This week: The Good Doctor has to remove a basketball from a little girl’s stomach. If he succeeds, he’ll get another chance to re-attach his right hand with his left.

 

An Evening With Sid Noel: Recollections of a Mad Scientist | Morgus the Magnificent

Breathes there a quokka who is not a Dr. Morgus fan?

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

518 Quokka Stock Photos, High-Res ...

Would you believe I rode that bike to get here?

Byron’s TV Listings, April 6

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It's About TV: This week in TV Guide: April 4, 1970

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Things have been pretty messed up around here lately, but not to worry, someday we’ll get back to normal.

Meanwhile, this special edition of our TV listings is dedicated to our sister, Erlene Talbott.

Saturday

6:14 a.m.  Ch. 56  THE LOST CITY WHERE STARLINGS HANG OUT–Award-winning twaddle

Do you believe it? This show won a Golden Glob! This week: Dr. Pondo (real name unknown) keeps on trying to teach the starlings to talk and sing. Judge for yourself the professor’s sanity!

7:08 a.m.  Ch. 22   THE OTHER LOST CITY–Inane beliefs

If you’re already watching that bunk about the starlings, you probably don’t need this show.  Old Dennis the Menace fans will go ga-ga over this: the guy who played Dennis’ neighbor, Mr. Wilson, returns to the airwaves as a wise but foolish talking mushroom.

9 a.m.   Ch. 06   ROBIN HOOD 2.0–Medieval western

Robin (Hsiang Wei-fu) quits Sherwood Forest for the high plains of Kansas. The year was 1207 A.D. No stage coaches to rob! This week: Robin sinks deeper and deeper into depression. No one takes it seriously.

Well! I hope these three little shows will give you much laughings!

The 'Happiest Animal in the World' May Not Be So Happy After All – Journal of Zoology Blog

These are widely considered the three best movies ever made.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, March 29

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TV Guide August 3, 1974 NYC daytime

Great Caesar’s ghost, have we got TV shows for you! G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls: Byron the Quokka here, with TV that’ll make your socks roll up and down, courtesy of Quokka University. With no further ado, here’s a sample.

Saturday

7:33 a.m.  Ch. 41  SUPER-FAST LECTURES–Educational TV

If you don’t have an hour to sit there watching some la-dee-dah documentary… Well, how about if it was only six or seven minutes? The elves at Pull-the-Other-One University have boiled regular lectures down to a rapidly digestible form. Just by talking really fast and speeding up the video!

8:00 a.m.  Ch. 09  IF A STUNT MAN CAN DO IT…–DIY, as it were

Retired Hollywood stunt man Floyd “Gimpy” Tablecloth shows that anyone can fall down a long flight of stairs, get hit on the head with a chair, or crash through a picture window–“All it takes is desire!” This week: How to fall out of an airplane and land on the inflated safety mattress. “Your family will plotz when they see this!” Floyd says.

4:06 p.m.  Ch. 18   TARZAN THE CARDBOARD CUT-OUT–Adventure

All-new (well, not ancient!) Bulgarian action series, which the screen actors’ union initially blocked, but the producer got around it by using cardboard figures rather than live actors. This week: Tarzan (Yusha Pllynnick) gets a moveable arm–in addition to the other two that don’t move.

5:00 p.m.  Ch. 28   WACKY WORLD OF SPORTS–(What do you expect?)

“Everything’s a sport!” crows play-by-play man Vincent Caterpillar. Tonight: piggyback race through a swamp; making goofy faces in the mirror; getting fingers caught in mousetrap; and “up the hill to fetch a pail of water.” Color commentary: A woman who thinks she’s John Wayne.

Whew! If that doesn’t glue you to your TV, nothing will!

1,600+ Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images ...

Listening to a Really Fast Lecture!

Byron the Quokka, signing off