Tag: crazy TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, March 1

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The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 5 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls–and welcome to March! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s televisual treats lined up for you, courtesy of Quokka University. Without further ado, dig these samples!

Saturday

4:15 a.m.  Ch. 48  INSOMNIACS’ THEATER–All sorts of stuff

Host Lispin’ Larry Thmith introduces episode 231 of My Coccyx Won’t Quit! The Werner Schmegeggi Story, starring Yi-Fan Hao and Freddy the Field Mouse. This week: Werner learns how to bake a T-shirt. Special guest: Man who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, but doesn’t look it.

7:06 a.m.  Ch. 16  DRIVEL!–Public affairs and idiots

If you’re feeling like you can never face that waxy build-up on your kitchen floor, or your pet screech owl letting it all hang out in the middle of the night, then Drivel! is the show for you–six solid hours of blah-blah-blah, guaranteed to put you to sleep. Certified idiots discussing non-existent issues: does that sound familiar?

8:30 a.m.  Ch. 08  MR. POYZIN’S NEIGHBORHOOD–Horror and suspense

This week: Survivors of Mr. Poyzin’s victims get together to keep him from getting his own TV show. Zelly the Wart Hog: himself. Yogurt-face: Linda McCrock., Brought to you by Osbert’s Paint Chips.

9:15 a.m.  Ch. 37  TV’S MOST HATED HOSTS–Anthropology

Who are the most obnoxious hosts on TV? [My vote’s for that guy who laughs uncontrollably as he reads the nooze.] Who will wind up being tossed screaming into the live volcano? They’re up against the most vengeful and vicious fans in all of TV Land! So hang onto your hat…

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 22

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TV Guide June 29, 1970 S. Florida daytime - Retro TV ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Have we got TV for you this weekend! Byron the Quokka here–with a small sample of what Quokka University has lined up for you. Let’s get started!

Saturday

6:46 a.m., Ch. 42  THE BUNDLES!–Paranormal suspense thriller

They twitch. They shift their position when no one’s looking. They make funny noises. Can super-detective Fong Hsueh-ting crack the case before it cracks him? Tonight: The bundles turn up in Mrs. Fogg’s (Peggy Cass) linen closet and get her charged with witchcraft. Sister Mucilage: Linda Hunt

11:00 a.m., Ch. 14  THE POPPY GULUMPHO SHOW–Variety of a very low order

The Cross-Eyed Chorus! Dog sings Dixie! Boy who thinks he’s a bat! Poppy’s got ’em all–even after being banished from all the major networks. Featuring Doc Trotsky and his People’s Revolting Band.

3:11 p.m.  Ch. 56  I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET–Sort of a reality show

Can host Sylvia Algae’s team of crack busybodies ferret out the most shameful secrets among the studio audience? The whole country’s still buzzing about that guy who peed the rug when he was 26 years old and got his nephew blamed for it. Boo, hiss!

4 p.m.  Ch. 08  NOSY AUNT FIFI–Melodrama (with obnoxious organ music)

Nosy Aunt Fifi (Sharon Sharalike) bites off more than she can chew when she pokes her nose into the diaries of local Mafia chieftain Vinnie “the Protozoan” Colooch (Wade Boggs). Has her luck run out? Song: My Coccyx Feels Funny.

There! That should get you started.

Quokka Spotting | How & Where to See Rottnest Island's Quokkas

Waiting for my ship to come in! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 21

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with TV listings from Quokka University. You won’t find these in TV Guide!

8 a.m.   Ch. 41   Kevin Measley Presents–He calls himself “The Last of the Hittites” and all his guests are as daft as he is! Tonight: Kevin visits farmer Vince Potash in Broken Adze, New Mexico, who claims his potatoes can talk and sing.

8:12 a.m.   Ch. 53  Weather With Arlene Schnook–Famous for her on-air tantrums, you never know how the weather’s going to affect her mood. “The next time it happens,” warns the CEO at Channel 53, “she’s out of here for good!”

9 a.m.  Ch. 10  Shakespeare for Fish–What do your tropical fish do all day while you’re away at work? Just swimming around the aquarium gets old after a while! Enter Fong Hsueh-Ding, the Chinese genius who rewrote the entire works of William Shakespeare to make them understandable to parakeets and frogs. “Neon tetras are crazy for Richard III,” he says.

Byron here again: “Sorry to bring you only three programs, but there’s been a lot of trouble with these big foul-tempered crickets lately, and Rottnest Island’s in a bit of an uproar.”

Look at this. They won’t let us post still photos anymore. They got up to all kinds of mischief while Lee was in the hospital. We’ll be lucky if they haven’t made this video go round and round in circles.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 19

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Retro TV Listings

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with a glorious weekend’s worth of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just the merest sample.

4:48 P.M.  Ch. 14   THE SHAPELESS MASS–Crime drama for idiots

His unspeakable lifestyle turned ace detective Malcom Talcum (Liu Chia-Hui) into a shapeless mass of slime–but now he detects aces with the best of ’em! This week: Ms. California (Rebecca Hoptoad) helps Talcum home in on a misgendering ring. Special guest star: This guy who was panhandling by the studio entrance.

5 P.M.  Ch. 03   YOU CAN WIN THE LOTTERY!–Sheer fantasy

Ever wonder why the same people seem to win the lottery week after week? Host Johnny Scrubbit reveals occult tricks, most of them illegal, for winning the lottery–guaranteed to work! Yes, you do have to send some money; but once we’re all millionaires, who’s going to miss $100?

Ch. 16   NEWS & WEATHER WITH LYIN’ ALBERT LYLE–News, etc.

They don’t call him “Lyin’ Al” for nothing! But you can’t beat the slogan that made his show a hit: “At least you know we’re lying!” Tonight: Bogus pre-election coverage by B.S. Slayde and Anna Crapola. Special: Forked Tongue interviews a fire hydrant.

5:30 P.M.   Ch. 43   MY COCCYX, MY MISERY–Adult Western

Einar Saltbucket stars as Whimpering Smith, the 92-year-old putterer whose coccyx miseries have driven him to become a wandering gunfighter wanted for murder in 47 states. Tonight: The pad they sold him for his saddle doesn’t work, and Einar is out for revenge! Dance Hall Girl: Dame Judith Anderson. Dishonest saddle pad salesman: Senor Wences.

Well, how do you like that lineup! Once you start watching, you won’t know where to stop!

Ethan Mann | A couple of weeks ago we visited Rottnest ...

Can this bike get me home in time for The Shapeless Mass? Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 13

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

multiple image galleries

[I don’t know about you, but I could use a good laugh–and a good laugh is a gift from God.]

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, and better late than never, with fabulous weekend TV brought to you by Quokka University. Without further ado-do-do–

5:00 P.M.  Ch. 03  BLOMBA THE JUNGLE BOY vs. BAD GUYS–(You don’t really need this explained, do you?)

It took a lot of desperate makeup artistry to turn Edward G. Robinson into Blomba the Jungle Boy. See if he can thwart the cunning plans hatched by CEO Worthington Plopp (Jiminy Cricket). This week: the CEO tries to avoid entering the Roach Motel.

Ch. 61   MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

Liberace starred as steroid-maddened body-builder Arnold Darnold in I Was a Teen-Age Teenager (Manchurian, 1952) who falls in love with the June Taylor Dancers (Themselves–all of them). Will they love him back? Professor Tweedle: A U.S. Senator acting incognito)

5:17  P.M.   Ch. 98  NEWS IN SEMAPHORE–Bearable suspense

Join anchorman Horace Stonehead in a wrap-up of today’s most exciting news–delivered in semaphore… and don’t ask us what that means, we like totally don’t understand it! You wave these little flags around and it’s supposed to make sense. We don’t think semaphore is used much anymore; but around this studio you can hear a pin drop. Sports: Sophie Tucker (AI generated)

6 P.M.  Ch. 42  SIX-GUN SIGGINS–Neoclassic Western, with canapes

Siggins (Bok Choy) is on the warpath: someone has stolen all six of his guns. Can Annie the Witch (Alice Boil), who owns the Last Chance Saloon, get him out the door without him getting shot? Maury Grossman: Martin Sheen. Sponsored by Martians!

Well, folks, there you have it–dig in!

Suzana Paravac | Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 20

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide July 5, 1986 San Francisco... - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and never mind that microscopic page of TV Guide. We’ve got the real thing! Courtesy of Quokka University. Here’s a mere sample.

6:19 P.M., Ch. 54   RAWHIDE-PLUS–Western drama

A Wild West nudist colony? Why not! Tonight: Trail boss Mack Smack (Arnold Stang) has forgotten how to put his pants on right. Special guest stars: the June Taylor Dancers, They can get him out of his pants–but can they get him back in?

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 16   WHOPPER ROOM SCHOOL–Educational

Beloved teacher, Ms. Jidrool (Hillary Caltrop, fresh from her off-Broadway role as “Medea”) teaches her first-graders “how to make nice things happen by making up the truth.” Sponsored by Harlo’s Happy Pills.

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   BOBBING FOR CRABS–Game show

Whose face will come out of the tub with the most crabs clinging to it? The prize: a complete set, 26 volumes, of the Acme Encyclopedia of False Facts! Host: Beto “Career Change” O’Rourke.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 51  NEWS WITH DRACULA–Well, it’s a news show, isn’t it?

Ever wonder what TV nightly news would look like, if vampires and ghouls produced it? (They don’t do it already–shame on you!) Anchorman Pete “Dracula” Jones dons black cape and plastic fangs–not recommended for sane people. Sports: Bob Renfield (not when he can get “nice, juicy spiduhs!”).

30+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

And that’s that! Meanwhile, nothing goes with News With Dracula like some nice, waxy leaves!

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

[Note: Yes, I thought it was Saturday–so I’ll bump Joe Collidge to tomorrow. All this running around to assorted doctors has confused me.]

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 14

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

ORIGINAL Vintage June 4 1988 TV Guide No Label Howard Cosell Al Michaels

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of axolotl-affirming television, suitable for all ages but 7 and 32. The sages at Quokka University hunted high and low for these! Here’s a sample.

6:49 P.M.  Ch. 04   WILD BILL SCHIMMELPFENNIG–Western drama

What do you get when the most lawless town in the West gets a new sheriff who’s a German immigrant, doesn’t speak a word of English, was trying to get to Hungary but wound up in Arizona, is deathly afraid of guns, and very easily bribed? Watch the series to find out! Schimmelpfennig: Jimmy-Bob Perez. Mayor Schadenfreude: Jay Gatsby.

7 P.M.  Ch. 08   NEWS WITH OTTO BLOTTO–(Exactly what you’d expect)

The nation’s most popular news show! “Makes 60 Minutes look like a horse’s backside!” trills critic Fong Hsueh-ting. Who knew the news could be so much fun if everybody in the studio was spinning-around, falling-down, nose-to-the-ground plastered? Brought to you by 20-Mule Team Borax. You can’t drink that!

7:11 P. M.   Ch. 18   MOVIE–RATED ‘R’ for ‘Ruin’

Bismal Pictures went bankrupt on this one! Not a rupee left in the vault. You’ll understand when you see it: Selassie the Wonder Dog (Italian-Moroccan, 1996: 59 minutes). The dog is actually a small man in an unconvincing costume, whose gestures and “barks” are more like those of a tree frog. Special guest star Roderick Usher ruined his career with this and had to be buried alive. Directed by a trained seal!

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 45  DANCING FOR DOLLARS–Sort of a game show

Join the June Taylor Dancers as they try to out-dance people brought in at random from the street! At stake: $500,000 prize money (divided up 500,000 ways, but we don’t care about that, do we?). This week’s challenge: a man who looks just like Fred Astaire, but claims to be a Viking. Host/emcee: Kindergarten teacher Ms. Frances Grabby… with T. S. Eliot impersonator.

Well, folks, how do you like that? Is that television or is that television!

Quokka

I wonder if anyone would mind if I took that bike in the background for a joy ride?

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 31

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Northern Michigan edition of TV Guide from September 22 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! It’s the end of August and I’m Byron the Quokka, bringing you THE BEST TV you ever saw, courtesy of Quokka University. Here’s a sample:

2:32 P.M.  Ch. 8   MOVIE OF THE WEAK–(Produced by Monkeys)

Chook-a-Chooky-Choo (Burmese, 2016: 349 minutes) was, and still is, the first feature film ever produced entirely by monkeys! “Now I can die!” said reviewer Oswald Fungus (but he didn’t). Honest, you won’t believe this script! Starring some 100 monkeys of all kinds. No human input whatsoever!

2:45 P.M.  Ch. 14   STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH BY THIS GUY WHO THINKS HE’S PRESIDENT–Self-Explanatory

T. Calpurnius Posthole’s annual State of the Union message typically draws more viewership than any other non-president’s State of the Union speech. We could televise these all day and not run out of them! Today’s speech is expected to call for the expulsion of fictional characters as candidates for public office. Moderator: Gumby

3:00 P.M.  Ch. 26   MANSTER!–Half-sitcom, half-melodrama

A two-headed carnivorous monster, who was once a famous TV news reporter, tries to settle down anonymously in the quaint suburban town of Hoy-Hoy, New Jersey–where shoplifting is legal. Junior Kefoozle and LeRoy Shimp star as the Manster, the two of them squeezed into one costume. Mrs. Mbumba: Julie Christy. Neighborhood Scamp: Lorne Greene.

Ch. 41   SIDEWAYS NEWS WITH LARRY ZYBYSKO–News, of course: why else would they call it ‘News’?

Pro wrestling legend Larry Zybysko delivers today’s headline news while reclining sideways on his desk. He is renowned for his difficulty in reading the teleprompter! Weather: Gloria Gorgo (from under the desk). Sports: Blackbeard the Pirate (don’t ask!).

Well, that oughta be enough to get you started!

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 24

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide August 16, 1981 Los Angeles... - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of boredom-busting TV brought to you by Quokka University! Here are just a few samples.

4:15 P.M.  Ch. 11   MR. & MRS. GIDGET–Sitcom/Jacobean drama

You can’t focus on surfboards and bikinis all your life! Who’d know that better than Gidget (Maggie Smith), now a librarian who gets around on a cane. This week: Gidget gets caught smoking! Mr. Bilharzia: Jonathan Harris. Tillie Tattletale: Adrienne Barbeau.

4:30 P.M.   Ch. 14  PERRY MAYSIN–Courtroom drama

In “The Case of the Cackling Candidate,” Perry (Doc Savage) defends a gibbon accused of plotting to steal the Constitution. White Hunter: Betty White. Special guest star: Fong Hsueh-ting as President Xi Jin-Ping. Joe-Bob: Sidney Toler.

Ch. 52   FIFTEEN HOURS’ WORTH OF NEWS IN FIFTEEN SECONDS!–Extremely fast news broadcast

Don’t look out the window, don’t count your change–you really do have only 15 seconds to catch the whole day’s news! They speed up the sound track like you wouldn’t believe, so you’ll have to learn to listen faster. Believe it, they cut no corners! Sports: Tongue-tied Freddie Blasiey.

5:00 P.M.  Ch. 19   MOVIE–Sports/horror

Simon LeGree stars as N.Y. Feebs sluggard Daryl Footfungus in Pardon My Coccyx (Mycenaean, 1325 B.C.: 11 minutes), the only movie in which the titles and credits take more time to show than the movie itself! Directed by the United Nations Movie Council! Featuring the June Taylor Dancers. The Ghost of William Tell: Walter Brennan.

Well, folks, there’s four movies to get you started. Don’t miss that one about the coccyx!

20+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

Byron the Quokka, signing off (Mmm! Tasty leaves!)

Byron’s TV Listings, July 6

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV listings 9 May 1987 - Newspapers.com™

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with glorious TV from Quokka University–just what you need to recover from all that Fourth of July excitement. This will save your weekend!

3:30 P.M.   Ch. 43   THE PRICE IS WRONG–Game show

Guess the price right, and it’s yours! Guess wrong, and it’s total humiliation in front of countless viewers! Host: A Mycenaean king. Chattering Nincompoop: We can’t give you her name, but you’ll know her when you see her.

3:32 P.M.  Ch. 12   BOWL WITH THE CRYBABIES–Sports psychology

What’s wrong with these people? Well, that’s just the question that Dr. Fobick and his celebrity panel try to answer. Bowling brings out all their personality quirks! And you can send for Dr. Fobick’s Home Bowling Kit to find out how far off the highway you are.

4 P.M.   Ch. 106  MOVIE–A bit of something for everyone!

Ozzie & Harriet star in What the Divot! (American-Sudanese, 1957, 14 minutes), the movie that examined the life of artist Rembrandt Peale and concluded, conclusiively, that he was indeed the man he said he was! Special interview with some guy on the sidewalk who never heard of him and keeps trying to get away.

Ch. 24  WORLD CHAMPION HEAD-BUTTING–Sports

Live from the Greenland Ice Cap, the 88th annual World Hard-Head Championship: hosted by Carl LaFong (Capital L, small a, Capital F, small o…), with the June Taylor Dancers freezing their long leggies off! Contestants include flaming idiots from all over the world–and banned everywhere else! Winner gets two aspirin.

Well, folks, that’s just a sample of the indescribable bliss that’s waiting for you here.

Meet the Quokka

As you can see, I’m all keyed up for this! Byron the Quokka, signing off.