G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with distressing news from Quokka University.
Before we could open our doors to our first class, we’ve had to fire the chairman of our Philosophy Dept., who was also going to teach all the philosophy courses.
We began to have doubts about him a few weeks ago when he started confronting quokkas and asking questions that we couldn’t answer. Like these.
“What did Thutmosis III say when he ran out of potato chips?”
“What is the difference between here and there?” (That one always made him laugh maniacally.)
“How do you tell which ants in the anti-hill are racists?”
So that’s that for Professor Humphrey Dumfries. He has since sent us this post card.
You are probably thinking he has been committed to a hospital. In fact, he was almost instantly hired by Rutgers University in America, to head their Philosophy Dept. They only make him wear the straitjacket so he won’t harm anybody during his lectures.
As for us, we suddenly find ourselves without a Philosophy Dept. There is a cuscus who might agree to chair it, if she can overcome her shyness.
While Lee goes off to bang his head against the wall after a morning of studying the nooze, we’re creating a new department for Quokka University!
Byron the Quokka here, mates–and that’s Loueezee the Quokka looking back over her shoulder at the first little stirrings of our university’s Dept. of Made-Up Languages. We’ve been advised by the Global University Accreditation Board (GUAB–easy to remember! “Have you got your GUAB?”) that every accredited university or college must include in its curriculum a certain percentage of “studies” that are demonstrably useless. Otherwise, no GUAB certificate!
So we’re gonna offer a whole degree program in Made-Up Languages, most of them made up right there in the classroom. We are shooting for something even more useless than Superhero Studies. It’s gonna cost extra tuition, too!
Classes will be held in the bum-bum bushes immediately behind that old dead tree where Art Depreciation meets. There aren’t going to be any professors. It seems no one wants to be a professor of Made-Up Languages. You can usually talk Albert the Wallaby into anything, but even he didn’t want this. “Yer ammy befrond!” he said. He was either quoting Constable Chumley or saying something rude in a language that he just made up.
We have to create a few more departments before we can open for business; but I think we’ll have a pretty easy time getting our GUAB.
G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here; and that’s me, talking on a cellphone. Most of us quokkas don’t have cellphones. There’s always a human around to let us use his.
And oh, crikey! If I told you who I was talking to, you’d never believe it! This person is so famous, your wallpaper would fall off the wall if he ever came into your house!
We want to make Quokka University someplace special. We think the best way to do that is to have as many celebrities as we can walking around the campus. We’re not offering degrees or having courses, so we kind of need these celebrities. You’d think America could spare a Kardashian or two.
The problem is, most of the celebrities that we quokkas consider celebrities are hardly celebrities at all, as humans see it. I mean, we would go positively bonkers if we could ever meet Harold J. Flotsam! Just thinking about it makes my joints all rubbery–I have to sit down. But I am told most humans have never even heard of him. Sheesh! How could you miss him?
By the same token, a lot of celebrities that humans consider celebrities are not celebrities at all, as quokkas see it. Someone was trying to explain to me who Beyonce is, and I just fell asleep.
And then there are Tasmanian devils’ biggest celebrities, but that’s just ridiculous.
Well, as you can see, it’s a thorny problem, but we’re working on it. We won’t stop till Quokka U. proudly takes its place among the world’s great universities!