Tag: general silliness

Byron’s TV Listings

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Quokkas tend to invite people over for a nice home-cooked meal every so often; they'll even wait for their guests by the door to greet them as soon as they arri… |

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, from Quokka University Broadcasting. By popular demand, here are some of today’s TV listings. Don’t ask me where we got those channels and all those shows. We have a Fifth Amendment here on Rottnest Island, and it’s got my name on it!

3:39 P.M.

04. Jan Can’t Cook. Your recipes are bound to turn out better than hers. Guest: Rachel Ray (tied to chair and gagged).

05. Toiling Away in Misery (Soap Opera). Danny and Sarah are exasperated when their little girl gets arrested for barratry. Danny: Vladimir Putin. Sarah: Una O’Connor.

07. “Itching for Trouble” (Movie, 1956). The Bowery Boys travel to London to perform a Shakespeare play. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, John Gielgud, Sophie Tucker.

3:56 P.M.

11. Beat the Zoning! (Game Show) See who can get past the town’s zoning board with the most objectionable building project. Contestants are all well-known shady developers. Host: Billy Sleaze.

04. Jan Still Can’t Cook! On the menu: Termite Puffs, Weed Salad, Unidentified Soup. Jan’s Therapist: Kim Jong Un.

12. College Bawl (Quiz). Teams from Harvard and Ohio State still deadlocked over last week’s question, “Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?” Host: Zacherley.

Well, that’s all for now! I’ve got to get far away from here before somebody gets arrested. I’ll be back with more next week, if we’re still on the air.

‘Oy, Rodney’: Unbearable Suspense REPRINT

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

From 2017

 Chapter XCVIII of Violet Crepuscular’s romance epic, Oy, Rodney, Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s creditors are breathing down his neck–literally; and it’s very uncomfortable. One of them turned up under his bed, checking for woodworm. Unless Lord Jeremy’s plan to marry Lady Margo Cargo, the richest widow in all of Scurvyshire, succeeds, he will lose Coldsore Hall, right down to the concrete flamingos on the front lawn.

The wedding of Lady Margo to the American adventurer, Willis Twombley, who thinks he is Sargon of Akkad, has been delayed, owing to Lady Margo’s cantankerous old butler, who has misplaced her false teeth. Jeremy and Willis have been taking turns courting her, pretending to be the same person. As predicted, Lady Margo has not noticed the difference–except to say, to Lord Jeremy, “I declare, Sargon, sometimes you seem like two different people.” The plan is to carry out the wedding with Jeremy in Twombley’s place.

Meanwhile, everyone has noticed a change in the vicar’s demeanor. He has taken to skipping ungracefully instead of walking. They attribute this to the bout of conniptions he suffered when he peeked under the wading pool in his back yard. Constable Chumly now stands guard by the pool. “T’other dee,” he says, “we lammicked a porty feen, reet o’er yonder skeel.” He looks worried when he says it.

“I’ve noticed a change in the vicar’s demeanor,” Lady Margo confides to Twombly.

“It’s because of his conniptions, l’il gal,” he answers.

As the chapter closes, Lord Jeremy catches another creditor trying to make off with the third baron’s armor that he wore during the Crusades. The baron is still in it, necessitating a change in the Coldsore family chronicles.

Another Return of ‘Oy, Rodney’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

I am in hot water with Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense. I lost the last chapter of her immortal romance novel, Oy, Rodney. Being pretty freakin’ sick in the hospital for most of this year so far… “Is the most paltry excuse I ever heard!” she says.

I vaguely remember something about the June Taylor Dancers invading Scurveyshire, with woolly mammoths stepping on things. Sheesh, there were at least 536 chapters of that.

Well, if she thinks I’m going to rack my brain trying to find those chapters, she’s got another think coming. “I’m Spartacus!” Let’s see what she makes of that!

To the swarms of readers out there who’ve been hanging on Ms. Crepuscular’s every word, I can only suggest that maybe someday she’ll get back in form and we can all enjoy more tales of Lord Whatsisname and his American sidekick, Willis Something-or-Other.

Byron’s TV Listings, April 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, taking over for Lee, who can’t keep track of what day it is.

Well, once your TV’s on, who needs to keep track of anything? Here are a few of this weekend’s offerings from Quokka University.

Saturday

11:45 a.m.   Ch. 46  THE MAN FROM ASHSKHABAD–Unbearable Suspense

Agents Sucrose (John Gavin) and Glucose (Barbara Bain) keep getting taken for chemicals found inside the human body! (Otherwise feeble intro saved by exclamation point!) President Pong: Arnold Stang.  First Lady: 6’8″ Wilma Dilmun. You’ve gotta see the two of them dancing!

3:05 p.m.   Ch. 14   GORILLATOWN–Western starring gorillas instead of people

They laughed at Pokeweed Studios when they put up the money for this series. Imagine! An Old West town, just west of Hibachi, TX, inhabited solely by gorillas! President Grant (Chiang-To Hsu) doesn’t know what to do about it. Neither do the screenwriters.

3:30 p.m.   Ch. 04   MOVIE–Horror from Keansburg, NJ

In The Hideous Scary Monster, Sir John Gielgud and Huntz Hall teamed up for one of 1953’s least notable movies, in which they play a pair of kindergarten teachers who share a dreadful secret. SPOILER ALERT: They never tell you what the secret is, so the hell; with ’em.

4:56 p.m.   Ch. 12   PHIL MCDONOHUESKY–Talk show

Tired of hearing about your favorite celebrities? Well, so is Phil! That’s why the studio audience is allowed to pelt the guest with pies, shoes, and beer bottles. Don’t worry: in-house medics are standing by. This week: Jennifer Anniston, Joy Behar, Steven Spielberg.

Well, folks, how do you like those shows? What a way to pass a rainy day!

Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas #animallovers ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, March 29

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide August 3, 1974 NYC daytime

Great Caesar’s ghost, have we got TV shows for you! G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls: Byron the Quokka here, with TV that’ll make your socks roll up and down, courtesy of Quokka University. With no further ado, here’s a sample.

Saturday

7:33 a.m.  Ch. 41  SUPER-FAST LECTURES–Educational TV

If you don’t have an hour to sit there watching some la-dee-dah documentary… Well, how about if it was only six or seven minutes? The elves at Pull-the-Other-One University have boiled regular lectures down to a rapidly digestible form. Just by talking really fast and speeding up the video!

8:00 a.m.  Ch. 09  IF A STUNT MAN CAN DO IT…–DIY, as it were

Retired Hollywood stunt man Floyd “Gimpy” Tablecloth shows that anyone can fall down a long flight of stairs, get hit on the head with a chair, or crash through a picture window–“All it takes is desire!” This week: How to fall out of an airplane and land on the inflated safety mattress. “Your family will plotz when they see this!” Floyd says.

4:06 p.m.  Ch. 18   TARZAN THE CARDBOARD CUT-OUT–Adventure

All-new (well, not ancient!) Bulgarian action series, which the screen actors’ union initially blocked, but the producer got around it by using cardboard figures rather than live actors. This week: Tarzan (Yusha Pllynnick) gets a moveable arm–in addition to the other two that don’t move.

5:00 p.m.  Ch. 28   WACKY WORLD OF SPORTS–(What do you expect?)

“Everything’s a sport!” crows play-by-play man Vincent Caterpillar. Tonight: piggyback race through a swamp; making goofy faces in the mirror; getting fingers caught in mousetrap; and “up the hill to fetch a pail of water.” Color commentary: A woman who thinks she’s John Wayne.

Whew! If that doesn’t glue you to your TV, nothing will!

1,600+ Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images ...

Listening to a Really Fast Lecture!

Byron the Quokka, signing off

 

Byron’s TV Listings, March 22

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

tv guide siskel and ebert 1987

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of TV that’ll have you doing cartwheels in the street for joy… courtesy of the Quokka University TV Network.

Here’s a little taste of what we’ve got in store for you.

Saturday

6:30 a.m.  Ch. 51  CHARLIE CHEPECHUAHUATL–Mystery/Drama

Arch-criminal Xexpe Chotec (Eddie Lewis) plots to get Chepechuahuatl (Al Bobb) fired from the all-new Invisible Jaguar Society of Chichen Itza. Lt. Andy Smith: Aqoquache Caxamichimbe. Margie: Tehuantepetl Jones.

8:48 a.m.  Ch. 27  HOW FAR CAN YOU RUN WITH NO PANTS ON?–Innovative Game Show

Most guests don’t get too far because the police pull them in; but the guest who goes farthest down 5th Avenue wins a paper route! MC: Howard K. Mongo. Special guest host: a man who thinks he’s Julia Child.

9:10 a.m.  Ch. 08   PISTOL PACKERS!–Western (kind of)

Billed as “the world’s first Eastern Western,” Pistol Packers follows the career of Marshal Frank N. Beenz (Ben Gay), who waged a one-man war against crime in Edison Township, New Jersey. This week: Dr. Meeker (Ralph Meeker) tries to have Beenz committed, but the judge (Dora the Explora) doesn’t think he’s crazy enough for that.

Well! If those shows don’t arouse your appetite to a fever pitch, you can call me a watermelon!

Quokka

Would you believe that’s my bike, parked back there? Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, March 15

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide January 6, 1977 Philadelphia - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University, where grade point averages go to die. Here are just a few of this week’s offerings.

Saturday

5:45 p.m.   Ch. 42    MONGOLIAN BASEBALL–“Free” baseball

Tired of having to pay fees to watch a ball game on TV? Well, one simple package deal, for a mere 49 cents, will bring you all sorts of sports from the heart of Central Asia. Today: Kalgan Kippers vs. Ulan Bator Bashmaks. Losing manager gets thrown off a cliff! With Yin Chee Ching in the broadcast booth. (English translation extra charge, please.)

6 p.m.   Ch. 08   DATING GAME WITH CROCODILES–Social Justice TV

It’s always so much fun to watch the look on a contestant’s face when he (or she) learns he hasn’t won a blind date with a gorgeous partner, but only a hard push into a swimming pool full of hungry crocodiles. Commentary: Some guy who identifies as Julius Caesar.

Ch. 24   MAGIC TRICKS FOR CLUMSY OAFS–(It means what it says)

Want to be the life of the party? The Great Scappini will get you there–with magic! This week: Scappini’s classic Disappearing Coccyx trick. This was the illusion that convinced Ingrid Bergman that there was a walrus in her bedroom. Important Note: Watch the whole thing, or you won’t get the coccyx back.

OK, that’s three of ’em–three TV shows that’ll have you talking to yourself. I love those magic tricks!

The Happiest Animal on Earth Is the Quokka | HowStuffWorks

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, March 8

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide July 12, 1982 Los Angeles... - Retro TV Listings ...

Greetings, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and willya look at that? They only gave me half a TV Guide sheet. But they wouldn’t like it if I have them only half a review.

Well, that’s not how we do things at Quokka University. We provide you with TV that the other networks are too scared or lazy to broadcast. TV like this.

Friday  7:30 p.m.   Ch. 64   PLASTIC BOOBY MEN FROM SCOTCH PLAINS–Science fiction/horror    You ain’t seen nothin’ till you’ve seen this! This is the TV show that’ll put Scotch Plains, NJ, on the map. This week: a hard-luck vampire (Bobby Darin) tries to organize a cattle drive from Scotch Plains to Scotland. Ramrod: Shemp Howard. Little Bo Peep: Angie Dickinson.

7:45 p.m.  Ch. 16   BLUNDER WOMAN–Incredible adventure

“Incredible” means unbelievable. But when you see Blunder Woman  (Charo),  get tangled up in TV aerials, you’ll believe it, all right! This week: Blunder Woman gets her undies stolen by super-villain Domgar the Schmendrick (Ingrid Bergman look-alike). Music by Patsy Rimsky-Korsakoff.

8 p.m.  Ch. 07   THE COCCYX–True crime, lots of gore

Who is this master criminal only known as “The Coccyx”? The audience knows, but Detective Sergeant Mylanta (Mickey Rivers), investigating the case, doesn’t have a clue! Which is too bad–because he’s the Chief’s top suspect! Chief: Sandy Duncan. Ghoulish private eye: Jackie Gleason look-alike.

Ch. 12  I’VE GOT A HYNIE!–Totally tasteless game show, you should be run over for watching it.

This is it–THE worst, most appalling, TV show ever, in which shameless former celebrities see who has the biggest… er, “cushion.” MC’ed by some idiot who insists he’s Pharaoh Ramses IV (nobody cares). He’s the one with the tape measure. Honestly, I’d rather not talk about this show. Let’s play some Yahtzee and forget about it.

And there you have it: Quokka University TV! I can’t wait to rush home, turn on the tube, and start watching.

I’m ready for massive entertainment!

Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas #animallovers ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

 

Alas, Mr. Pudding!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

We expected great things from Mr. Pudding and His Newts. Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense, had promised them to us! Sort of, at least.

But as we enter Chapter DCCCXXXI (or whatever–ask me if I care), we are informed that Mr. Pudding has been trodden underfoot by the stampeding mammoths, and then picked up and eaten by the Cyclops.

Meanwhile, we have a letter from one of our readers… a Mrs. Hobbity Smith from Fort Mange, North Dakota [sound of envelope being torn open].. I’ll read it for you.

“Dear Ms. Crepuscular, Whoever you are–

“Your misbegotten novel, Oy, Rodney, once seemed likely to blossom into great things. It was wonderful! But I’m afraid the last hundred chapters or so would have turned out better if they’d been written by monkeys.

“I challenge you, I dare you, to write one–just one!–reasonable, entertaining, and coherent chapter of this so-called romance. Ye gods, how many chapters has it been since the title character, “Rodney,” was even mentioned?”

That’s as far as I’m going to read. It really is a very harsh letter. I am told Ms. Crepuscular’s mother used to write even nastier letters to all sorts of people who weren’t expecting them.

How do we keep Violet from seeing Mrs. Hobbity Smith’s letter? That could wind up in a duel!

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 16

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide Magazine Covers Celebrate Daytime Soap Operas - Daytime Confidential

Poor old Leester–missed Valentine’s Day. Well, let’s bring it back! Courtesy of Quokka Uniiversity.

2 p.m.  Ch. 03   THEY’VE GOT MY GOAT!–Melodrama (kung-fu added)

You train your goat, Osbert. to do all these spectacular tricks… And then the Iron Boat Clan comes along and kidnaps him! Ma-Foo Yi: Soupy Sales. Wan Hung Lo: Dick Van Dyke. Tan Bu-Ting: Carol Burnett.

Ch. 15  BLUBBERY STATE VS SCOTLAND YARD–Sports

The Blubbery State squad had better be careful: Scotland Yard arrests the teams that oppose them. They’re not really college football players, you see. Coach Fundee picked them up in Indonesia somewhere. Play-by-Play: Rosie Ruction.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!–Grimly disturbing melodrama. Yves Montand starts as a Frenchman who is really bent out of shape by this development! Also featuring Rosemary De Camp as the Borax Lady.

Ch. 49  THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF THE OTHER TRISTRAM SHANDY WHO WAS NOT A GENTLEMAN– Archaic soap opera

Yes, there were two Tristram Shandys, and one of them (Charles Bronson) wasn’t very nice! Tonight: The good Tristram Shandy (Al Packa) invents a riding mower–only to have it stolen by the hurdy-gurdy man (Dan Rather). Mrs. Bluefish: (Irene Ryan)

Well, how do you like those apples?

30+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

I wonder if they’d let me borrow this bicycle…