Tag: general silliness

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 8

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1958

Move over, Leester! Byron the Quokka here, with some real TV listings that’ll knock your socks off–courtesy of Quokka University. These are among the greatest TV shows ever! Go ahead, ask anybody.

7 p.m.   Ch. 16  PICASSO DOESN’T SCHLEP HERE ANYMORE–Art history

This is highbrow stuff, no kidding! Tonight: Famous Artists Who Itched All the time and Didn’t Know Why. Host: Simon LeGree. Sponsored by Culver’s Skin Cream (Just wipe it on and wipe it off–hours of fun).

Ch.  25   WORLD NEWS WITH MR. WOODENHEAD–Exactly what you’d expect.

How about a nightly news broadcast in which the entire crew is clumsily painted marionettes? The anchor, Mr. Woodenhead, is also available to children as a sock puppet. Imagine the shock and awe suffered by the experts when this newscast walked off with the coveted Pete Bohunk Prize!

7:15 p.m.   Ch. 31  PUPPETS WHO PULL THE STRINGS–Sci-fi drama

This is why Channel 25 is suing Channel 31 in the Malagasy Republic Supreme Court. “Total rip-off!” cries the plaintiff. Meanwhile, imagine a world ruled by ruthless, all-powerful puppets! Theme song, Who’s Got Strings Attached Now?, earned star Ralph Lickspittle an Ambrose Fong Award.

7:30 p.m.  Ch. 14  EXCAULIFLOWER–Historical adventure

This is the story of King Barfur (Juan Valdez) and his Knights of the Craps Table. This week, Sir Pantsalot goes on a quest for the Holy Grail and comes back with the Groly Hail; and Queen Effervessent’s annual ping-pong tournament has to be canceled on account of monkeys.

Well, now, how about that! Are those TV shows or are those TV shows! You wouldn’t believe how much art history I’ve learned, watching Picasso Doesn’t Schlep Here Anymore.

516 Quokka Stock Photos, High-Res Pictures, and Images - Getty Images | Quokka selfie, Quokka smile, Quokka smiling

(I will not steal that bicycle, I will not steal that bicycle…!)

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

 

‘Cyclops is Coming!’ (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

With everyone in Scurveyshire holed up in Coldsore Hall, and woolly mammoths and the June Taylor Dancers tearing it up outside, it’s no wonder there’s a bidding war on for Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney–all 530 chapters of it (we got that straightened out last week)… with more to come!

Fligh-Bi-Nite Publishing Inc. has offered $35 for the rights, while Hugh “N’ Mee Books offers $29.99 along with tickets to the musical, Bimbo Time. It is believed the June Taylor Dancers will fold like a cheap camera once they have to compete with the Howard Baseborn Dancers.

“But they aren’t falling to the mammoths,” observes Lord Jeremy Coldsore from his perch on the battlements, “even though three or four of them have been trampled into pudding.” With this comment he has made himself feel sick.

“Leave it to me, Germy,” says Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who has gone back to believing he’s Sargon of Akkad. He shoots a dancer who has been cavorting on a mammoth’s back. The mammoth trumpets his displeasure.

“No one but Violet can write suspenseful scenes like this!” deposes Lady Margo Cargo. “Whoever’s reading this should count himself–or herself–blessed beyond the ordinary lot of mortals!”

Gee wiz, Violet…

[P.S.–What cyclops? What are they talking about? Have I missed something?

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 19

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Retro TV Listings

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with a glorious weekend’s worth of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just the merest sample.

4:48 P.M.  Ch. 14   THE SHAPELESS MASS–Crime drama for idiots

His unspeakable lifestyle turned ace detective Malcom Talcum (Liu Chia-Hui) into a shapeless mass of slime–but now he detects aces with the best of ’em! This week: Ms. California (Rebecca Hoptoad) helps Talcum home in on a misgendering ring. Special guest star: This guy who was panhandling by the studio entrance.

5 P.M.  Ch. 03   YOU CAN WIN THE LOTTERY!–Sheer fantasy

Ever wonder why the same people seem to win the lottery week after week? Host Johnny Scrubbit reveals occult tricks, most of them illegal, for winning the lottery–guaranteed to work! Yes, you do have to send some money; but once we’re all millionaires, who’s going to miss $100?

Ch. 16   NEWS & WEATHER WITH LYIN’ ALBERT LYLE–News, etc.

They don’t call him “Lyin’ Al” for nothing! But you can’t beat the slogan that made his show a hit: “At least you know we’re lying!” Tonight: Bogus pre-election coverage by B.S. Slayde and Anna Crapola. Special: Forked Tongue interviews a fire hydrant.

5:30 P.M.   Ch. 43   MY COCCYX, MY MISERY–Adult Western

Einar Saltbucket stars as Whimpering Smith, the 92-year-old putterer whose coccyx miseries have driven him to become a wandering gunfighter wanted for murder in 47 states. Tonight: The pad they sold him for his saddle doesn’t work, and Einar is out for revenge! Dance Hall Girl: Dame Judith Anderson. Dishonest saddle pad salesman: Senor Wences.

Well, how do you like that lineup! Once you start watching, you won’t know where to stop!

Ethan Mann | A couple of weeks ago we visited Rottnest ...

Can this bike get me home in time for The Shapeless Mass? Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 13

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multiple image galleries

[I don’t know about you, but I could use a good laugh–and a good laugh is a gift from God.]

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, and better late than never, with fabulous weekend TV brought to you by Quokka University. Without further ado-do-do–

5:00 P.M.  Ch. 03  BLOMBA THE JUNGLE BOY vs. BAD GUYS–(You don’t really need this explained, do you?)

It took a lot of desperate makeup artistry to turn Edward G. Robinson into Blomba the Jungle Boy. See if he can thwart the cunning plans hatched by CEO Worthington Plopp (Jiminy Cricket). This week: the CEO tries to avoid entering the Roach Motel.

Ch. 61   MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

Liberace starred as steroid-maddened body-builder Arnold Darnold in I Was a Teen-Age Teenager (Manchurian, 1952) who falls in love with the June Taylor Dancers (Themselves–all of them). Will they love him back? Professor Tweedle: A U.S. Senator acting incognito)

5:17  P.M.   Ch. 98  NEWS IN SEMAPHORE–Bearable suspense

Join anchorman Horace Stonehead in a wrap-up of today’s most exciting news–delivered in semaphore… and don’t ask us what that means, we like totally don’t understand it! You wave these little flags around and it’s supposed to make sense. We don’t think semaphore is used much anymore; but around this studio you can hear a pin drop. Sports: Sophie Tucker (AI generated)

6 P.M.  Ch. 42  SIX-GUN SIGGINS–Neoclassic Western, with canapes

Siggins (Bok Choy) is on the warpath: someone has stolen all six of his guns. Can Annie the Witch (Alice Boil), who owns the Last Chance Saloon, get him out the door without him getting shot? Maury Grossman: Martin Sheen. Sponsored by Martians!

Well, folks, there you have it–dig in!

Suzana Paravac | Your daily reminder to 😊 #quokka #quokkas ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 5

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TV Guide July 3, 1978 E. Virginia daytime - Retro TV ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with more goodies from Quokka University TV. Grab yourselves some marshmallows and a nice place to sit!

6:49 P.M.   Ch. 11  THOSE SLOBBS!–Sitcom

“The most disgusting family on the block” is back! Papa Slobb (the late Julius Seezer) and Junior (the not-so-late Hans Gesundheit) are arrested for the mess they made in the hardware store. Can Mama Slobb (Elva Pachyderm) bail them out? Guest star: Beto O’Rourke.

7 P.M.   Ch. 06  WOILD NEWS WITH PATRICK HANDCHEESE–News (what else would you expect?)

The news that no one else would even think of covering! Patrick Handcheese learned a thing or two from spending 45 years in a North Korean prison camp. The shadows he can make on the wall, just using his hands, beggar description! Tonight: Special Report: “Watch the Grass Grow!”

Ch. 15   YOU CAN COOK BETTER THAN THIS GUY!–Cooking show

Shemp Shump is living proof that there’s always someone worse off than you–especially in the kitchen. How many viewers have said “Now I don’t feel so dumb!” Tonight: Shemp tackles a “Lamb Surprise” recipe handed down by some guy he met in an alley. Wait’ll you see why they call it “Surprise”! [Not recommended for a squeamish audience.]

7:03 P.M.  Ch. 62   MOVIE–Unbearable suspense (We mean it!)

Rudolph Papertowel stars as legendary private eye Bing Kaching in All I Need Is an Alibi (Swiss/Indonesian, 1998: 345 minutes). Last time we showed this, five viewers went completely crackers and had to have months of counseling! Rare cameo appearance by Sondra McClopp–you won’t believe how scary this is.

Well, folks, whattaya think of that? Have we got movies or have we got movies!

Meet the quokka - Tourism Western Australia

I’m baby-sitting for my niece, Sylvia–see if you can guess which Sylvia she’s named after.

Violet Crepuscular: ‘I Have No Ideas!’ (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

Sooner or later it comes to every writer (with the notable exception of Edgar Rice Burroughs): that conviction of utter hopelessness, that inability to write another word. We call it “Maria.”

Everything is set up for Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, to embark on Chapter DCCXLIV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. The June Taylor Dancers are lurking in the woods around Scurveyshire. Lord Jeremy has his 20-pound accordion. {“Does it weigh 20 pounds, did it cost 20 pounds, or both?” we hear you ask.) Mr. Pudding has organized his newts.

And there’s poor Violet, stuck in neutral.

“A Greek fortune-teller told me this would happen!” she confides in her rapidly diminishing host of readers. “How told me in great detail how to avoid it; but I don’t speak Greek, so I didn’t understand a word of it.”

The publisher is thinking of bringing in a ghost writer, but that would require a seance.

“I have to break through!” Ms. Crepuscular agonizes. “There must be dozens of readers waiting tensely for my next chapter!” Will the newts run wild? Will the June Taylor Dancers dance to Lord Jeremy’s tune? Has the evil medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney, come back to stay? Is the theater really dead?

[Advice to Violet: You need an agent, kiddo. Binky Fong Associates is looking for new authors to introduce to a largely Manchurian audience. Tell ’em A Guy sent you.]

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 28

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Northern Michigan edition of TV Guide from September 22, 1979. : r/Michigan

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with just the right TV for a rainy weekend! Or a dry weekend. Here’s a sample of Quokka TV, brought to you by Quokka University.

4:36 P.M.  Ch. 14   HOW TO GET BY ON JUST ONE LEG–Educational

Have you ever thought your legs would last twice as long if you only used one of them at a time? Join host Stumpy McGillicuddy as he demonstrates how to ride a bike using only one leg! And after that comes a lesson in one-legged rock climbing!

5 P.M.  Ch. 06   ROUTE 67–Adventure & danger

It’s said that once you’re on Route 67, you’ll never be able to get off. Buzz and Margie (Some old guy, I forget his name, and Susan Parsnip) have been on this road for 35 years without finding an exit. Tonight: Buzz mistakes a Bigfoot for a hitch-hiker–and everything goes pear-shaped.

Ch. 16   WIDE WORLD OF LITTLE-KNOWN SPORTS–Little-known sports

From the Annual Bulgarian Face-Slapping Marathon to the Wet Raspberry Championship from No Dice, California, these are the sports the other networks won’t allow you to see! Bebe Rebozo (President Nixon’s friend!) and Janet Mumbles call the game and defy you to understand their made-up language.

5:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  THE MAN FROM OSHKOSH (BY GOSH)–Thriller

Who is this menacing stranger (Chick Gandil) who sneaks around the neighborhood stealing lawn sprinklers and frightening the horses? Based on an ancient Apache legend! Tonight: How’s he supposed to steal in-ground sprinkler systems? Special guest star: Eva Ho, who once played Tugboat Annie on Broadway.

6 P.M.  Ch. 44  MOVIE–Virtually indescribable drama

In Gunga Bird-Man (Made for TV in some remote province of India, 1985), rock legend Sam the Sham plays a homeless beggar who can fly. This tempts people to shoot at him, but they usually miss! Tonight: Gunga hears a rumor that professional wrestling is “fixed”–and suddenly he doesn’t feel like flying anymore.

Well! How about that for entertainment? I’ve never been to Oshkosh, so this show has added to my store of improbable geography.

How I met a quokka and rode a bike - Pinhole Central

I wonder if anyone would mind if I borrowed that bike?

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 20

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TV Guide July 5, 1986 San Francisco... - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and never mind that microscopic page of TV Guide. We’ve got the real thing! Courtesy of Quokka University. Here’s a mere sample.

6:19 P.M., Ch. 54   RAWHIDE-PLUS–Western drama

A Wild West nudist colony? Why not! Tonight: Trail boss Mack Smack (Arnold Stang) has forgotten how to put his pants on right. Special guest stars: the June Taylor Dancers, They can get him out of his pants–but can they get him back in?

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 16   WHOPPER ROOM SCHOOL–Educational

Beloved teacher, Ms. Jidrool (Hillary Caltrop, fresh from her off-Broadway role as “Medea”) teaches her first-graders “how to make nice things happen by making up the truth.” Sponsored by Harlo’s Happy Pills.

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   BOBBING FOR CRABS–Game show

Whose face will come out of the tub with the most crabs clinging to it? The prize: a complete set, 26 volumes, of the Acme Encyclopedia of False Facts! Host: Beto “Career Change” O’Rourke.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 51  NEWS WITH DRACULA–Well, it’s a news show, isn’t it?

Ever wonder what TV nightly news would look like, if vampires and ghouls produced it? (They don’t do it already–shame on you!) Anchorman Pete “Dracula” Jones dons black cape and plastic fangs–not recommended for sane people. Sports: Bob Renfield (not when he can get “nice, juicy spiduhs!”).

30+ Free Quokka & Animal Images - Pixabay

And that’s that! Meanwhile, nothing goes with News With Dracula like some nice, waxy leaves!

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

[Note: Yes, I thought it was Saturday–so I’ll bump Joe Collidge to tomorrow. All this running around to assorted doctors has confused me.]

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 14

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ORIGINAL Vintage June 4 1988 TV Guide No Label Howard Cosell Al Michaels

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of axolotl-affirming television, suitable for all ages but 7 and 32. The sages at Quokka University hunted high and low for these! Here’s a sample.

6:49 P.M.  Ch. 04   WILD BILL SCHIMMELPFENNIG–Western drama

What do you get when the most lawless town in the West gets a new sheriff who’s a German immigrant, doesn’t speak a word of English, was trying to get to Hungary but wound up in Arizona, is deathly afraid of guns, and very easily bribed? Watch the series to find out! Schimmelpfennig: Jimmy-Bob Perez. Mayor Schadenfreude: Jay Gatsby.

7 P.M.  Ch. 08   NEWS WITH OTTO BLOTTO–(Exactly what you’d expect)

The nation’s most popular news show! “Makes 60 Minutes look like a horse’s backside!” trills critic Fong Hsueh-ting. Who knew the news could be so much fun if everybody in the studio was spinning-around, falling-down, nose-to-the-ground plastered? Brought to you by 20-Mule Team Borax. You can’t drink that!

7:11 P. M.   Ch. 18   MOVIE–RATED ‘R’ for ‘Ruin’

Bismal Pictures went bankrupt on this one! Not a rupee left in the vault. You’ll understand when you see it: Selassie the Wonder Dog (Italian-Moroccan, 1996: 59 minutes). The dog is actually a small man in an unconvincing costume, whose gestures and “barks” are more like those of a tree frog. Special guest star Roderick Usher ruined his career with this and had to be buried alive. Directed by a trained seal!

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 45  DANCING FOR DOLLARS–Sort of a game show

Join the June Taylor Dancers as they try to out-dance people brought in at random from the street! At stake: $500,000 prize money (divided up 500,000 ways, but we don’t care about that, do we?). This week’s challenge: a man who looks just like Fred Astaire, but claims to be a Viking. Host/emcee: Kindergarten teacher Ms. Frances Grabby… with T. S. Eliot impersonator.

Well, folks, how do you like that? Is that television or is that television!

Quokka

I wonder if anyone would mind if I took that bike in the background for a joy ride?

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

The Accordion Man Cometh (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

We are offered a rare glimpse into the creative mind at work, thanks to a notebook carelessly left on a windowsill by Violet Crepuscular, The Queen Of Suspense.

With the June Taylor Dancers, from the 1950s, lurking in the woods around Scurveyshire in the 1850s, what role will Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s 20-pound accordion play in saving the town? And don’t forget Mr. Pudding and his newts! A reader in Pastiche Grove, Michigan, forgot… and a giant spider got her.

The notebook, written in Cretan Linear A, provides tantalizing sketches of the June Taylor Dancers warding off the attacking newts while a bearded man with strange anatomical features (two left hands, for instance) plays a large accordion.

“Over the past 70 years,” she writes, reverting to English for the nonce, “I have found Cretan Linear B superior to the Indus Valley Script when it comes to keeping notes. And either one will drive would-be plagiarists crazy! Go ahead, sucker–plagiarize this!”

Cretan script linear hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy

“I like the Indus Valley Script for day-to-day reminders involving goldfish food, etc.; but as you can see by this example, Linear A has it beat.”

Indus Script - World History Encyclopedia Obviously not suitable for serious literary porpoises!