Tag: sea monkeys

Oh, No! Worse Than Monkeypox!

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Sea Monkeys: False Advertising of Science Can Still be Fascinating!

Done with COVID-19? Not yet suitably scared of monkeypox?

Well, hang onto your hats–here comes sea monkeypox!

“Yeah, folks, sorry about that, but we gotta lock you down again,” says Chief Phrenologist Otto Blotto, of the World Wellness Fanabla (WWF). “Thank goodness we already have drop boxes, absentee ballot forms, and mail-in ballots stockpiled in Mordor. So it won’t affect the midterm elections.”

According to information found inside a box of Lucky Charms, sea monkeypox can be contracted by anyone (and probably everyone) living within 2,500 miles of any salt water. Symptoms include a weird-looking physique, growth of a caudal appendage (he means a tail), a sudden eagerness to be trained, and shrinkage down to the size of a brine shrimp. Successful therapy includes casting multiple votes for the Democrat candidate in your district.

At all times, Dr. Blotto added, the WWF will live true to its Scientific Motto: “Democracy dies when Democrats don’t win.”

Here Come the Caecilians! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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39 Romance novel cover parodies ideas | romance novel covers, romance, book humor

Imagine the clamor of a thousand squeaky toys all being squeaked at once.

“I have imagined it, dear readers!” exclaims Violet Crepuscular, introducing Chapter CDXXXVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. First squeaked in desperation, then squeaked in triumph as the army of Sea Monkeys flees to Paraguay–“But they know not their peril,” fusticates Ms. Crepuscular darkly. They? They who?

Legless, blind, and slippery, the little-known amphibians called “caecilians” find themselves deeply stirred by the clamor of squeaky toys in Scurveyshire. “They are coming!” writes Violet.

In the meantime, the whole shire–even the forgotten hamlet of Qwlggsyff, which I just remembered–celebrates their victory over the Sea Monkeys. The Lying Tart is in danger of running out of ale. Johnno the Merry Minstrel, who discovered that Sea Monkeys just can’t stand the sound of squeaky toys, has been elected to the Swedish Parliament (they had an empty seat that no one wanted).

“Now would be a good time for us to have our wedding!” Lady Margo Cargo suggests to Lord Jeremy Coldsore. They have forgotten their tiff. “Everyone’s in such a festive mood!”

“I thought the vicar had gone ga-ga again,” replies Lord Jeremy.

“There’s a substitute vicar on his way from Zanzibar,” grafts (really, Violet!) Lady Margo. “I took the liberty of inviting him.”

“Good show!”

Perhaps Constable Chumley best sums up those few halcyon days before the coming of the caecilians:

“Yair frother me tucket, frae nucket!”

Squeaky Toys vs. Sea Monkeys (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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The Annual Scurveyshire Fete ('Oy, Rodney') – Lee Duigon

[Editor’s Note: I have to thank Ms. Crepuscular for dedicating this chapter of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, to Patty and me on our 44th wedding anniversary. And also for the tin of home-made toothpaste sandwich cookies.  –LD]

Violet Crepuscular masterfully–mistressfully?–sets the stage for Chapter CDXXXVII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. An army of restive Sea Monkeys demands new worlds to conquer! Scurveyshire’s citizens prepare to fight back with squeaky toys. And in the background lurks The Caecilian.

The what?

One of these:

“We have to face facts,” Ms. Crepuscular lectures her readers. “When you’re dealing with a caecilian, you don’t know which end is which! These South American amphibians, rarely seen even in South America, once dominated the island of Sicily. Now they’re aimed at Scurveyshire. Because the cacophony of a hundred squeaky toys inevitably attracts them!”

The squeaky toys, all of them squeaking at once, will drive the Sea Monkeys back to Paraguay. “But no one,” adds the author darkly, “has survived a full-scale invasion by caecilians. Heck, they don’t even look like amphibians!”

The honest, if not quite all there, yeomen of Scurveyshire even now stock up on squeaky toys, having not even an inkling of the catastrophe that is poised, like sharks around a dying porpoise, to descend on them–

I’m sorry, that last simile was too much for me.

Violet, you’re on your own.

 

The Sea Monkeys Arrive! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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39 Romance novel cover parodies ideas | romance novel covers, romance, book humor

Although the rampaging cyclops, having seen the billboards, has fled to parts unknown, the Sea Monkeys ordered by Johnno the Merry Minstrel from that shop in Paraguay have arrived in Scurveyshire. So begins Chapter CDXXXVI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

Sea-Monkeys creator's widow sues over royalties

“Because this is a romance set in the Victorian Era,” explains Ms. Crepuscular, “the Sea Monkeys brought in to fight the cyclops look just exactly like the creatures in this advertisement, above. Yes, they can be trained–for war! Only now that the cyclops has fled, there’s nobody for them to fight. This is a problem!”

An army of Sea Monkeys with no one to fight–that’s a problem, all right. Ms. Crepuscular blames it on her readers.

“Now I’m stuck with ten thousand heavily-armed Sea Monkeys, and it’s all your fault!” she complains.

It’s a consolation that a host of ten thousand Sea Monkeys takes up not much more space than a pair of cats. In hopes that the problem will somehow solve itself, Lord Jeremy Coldsore appoints Constable Chumley to command the Sea Monkeys. He assembles them for drill on the town common, in front of the statue of a man who looks like an undernourished chimpanzee. No one knows whom it’s supposed to be.

“Yohn right!” screeches the constable. “A’ fare thee gricken–hoosh!” To his amazed delight, the Sea Monkeys execute these maneuvers flawlessly. He indicates to Lord Jeremy that they’re ready to fight and conquer. How he indicates this is one for the books.

Realizing that the Sea Monkeys could easily become a nuisance to Scurveyshire unless they’re placed on the warpath very soon, Lord Jeremy makes a rash decision to order them to attack the neighboring village of Plaguesby. “With any luck they’ll all get stomped,” he adds.

Imagine his horror when the Sea Monkeys quickly conquer Plaguesby and put it under tribute. They immediately begin agitating for a new campaign.

“Great balls o’ fire!” expostulates Jeremy. “What am I to do now?”

“Only one thing you can do, Germy ol’ hoss,” declares Willis Twombley, who has been watching these developments with undisguised interest. “Send for someone or something that’ll chase away the Sea Monkeys. The Babylonians used really scary squeaky toys for that. We can get some at the pet shop.”

Which brings us to the end of this chapter, with more suspense to come.

Sea Monkeys vs. Cyclops (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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39 Romance novel cover parodies ideas | romance novel covers, romance, book humor

(Hooray! We’ve got our book cover back! It seems they listened when Mr. Pitfall showed up with a shotgun.)

You may remember, from Chapter CDXXXIII of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, that there’s a cyclops on the loose in Scurveyshire. It’s the result of another one of those pesky curses laid on Scurveyshire by the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney. This cyclops has already picked up a whole cottage and tossed it into a nearby pond.

Ah! But Johnno the Merry Minstrel has discovered that cyclopses (cyclopes? aw, who knows) are deathly afraid of sea monkeys. “All we have to do,” he explains in Chapter CDXXXIV, “is confront our cyclops with an army of sea monkeys.”

Amazing Sea Monkeys sea-monkey Mom, Dad,Sister, Brother Figures by : Doll Hugs Shop | Ruby Lane

Ms. Crepuscular complains that the above picture is much too large for her book and wants it removed. Well, she brought up the whole subject of sea monkeys, didn’t she?

“I had sea monkeys when I was eight years old,” she says, “and they were just the cutest little brine shrimp! My favorite was a shrimp named Ernest Sturdivant–and he didn’t look anything like what they showed on the box.”

But there’s a problem in Scurveyshire–the pet shop’s out of sea monkeys. “We’ll have to send away for some,” exfoliates Johnno. “There’s a store in Paraguay that specializes in them. Allow 16 weeks for delivery!”

“That’s a lot of cottages uprooted and destroyed,” gripes Lord Jeremy Coldsore, justice of the peace.

The solution is to erect a gigantic billboard announcing the eventual arrival of more sea monkeys than you can shake a stick at. It is hoped the cyclops will read it and get out of Scurveyshire while the gettin’s good.

(“These fools are ruining my romance!” complains Ms. Crepuscular. But it’s all her fault.)

A Cyclops in Scurveyshire (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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In Chapter CDXXXIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular puts everything on hold because of a cyclops sighting in the unexplored wilderness surrounding Scurveyshire. We are fortunate to have video of this creature. We don’t really have much video from the 1860s.

Constable Chumley has been dispatched to arrest the Cyclops. He points out that half the gaol was broken down a week ago–he ought to know: he provided the elephant–and there will be insufficient room to house the Cyclops.

“Well, whose fault is that, then?” roars Lord Jeremy Coldsore. He’s still mad at the constable for locking him up because of a feud between a whelk and a crayfish.

Consulting ancient tomes, and more than a few cereal boxes, Johnno the Merry Minstrel discovers that the Cyclops is another one of the many curses placed on Scurveyshire by the medieval sorcerer, Black Rodney. “He was really mad at us for putting him to death in 1226,” procrusteates Johnno, as Ms. Crepuscular adds another word to the lexicon.

“What about all those Arabian chaps in the video?” Lord Jeremy asks. “I haven’t seen any of them around.”

“You haven’t been to The Lying Tart today, m’lord. They don’t want to chase the Cyclops anymore. They just want to have some root beer and then go home.”

Meanwhile, Lady Margo Cargo chides her crusty old butler, Crusty, for taking so much time to replace her upholstered wooden leg. His last effort was six inches too long.

“If you think I’m enjoying this, think again!” barks the lady. “I mean, how hard can it be to fashion a wooden leg? Oh, get out of the way–I’ll do it myself!”

At this point a Cyclops strides past her drawing room window. Instead of drawing it, Lady Margo faints.

And Johnno has discovered that the only thing a Cyclops fears is… Sea Monkeys.

***

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Thanks to Unknowable for recovery our traditional book cover, albeit in a somewhat truncated form. But Violet likes a lot of truncated things.

Another Fantastic Gag That Didn’t Work

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Comic books in the 1950s advertised for all sorts of incredibly cool things you could send away for–X-ray glasses, Sea Monkeys, this little doohickey you could put in your mouth that would let you throw your voice like a professional ventriloquist… genuine authentic foot-locker full of these pitiful flat plastic soldiers…

And the Joy Buzzer.

Image result for images of joy buzzer

This little treasure, you wound it up and hid it in the palm of your hands, and when your victim shook hands with you, he’d get a loud buzzing shock that’d make him jump a foot in the air. We thought it might’ve been electric, but when my brother and I got our Joy Buzzers, we quickly discovered there was no electricity involved. In fact there wasn’t much of anything involved. If you and the victim really tried on purpose, you could get it to buzz. But usually nothing happened.

At least these things weren’t expensive.

To this day I remain skeptical of the worth of goods and services advertised in comic books.

‘100% Guaranteed X-ray Glasses!’ (2016)

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I don’t know whether it was the X-ray Glasses or Sea Monkeys that started the trend, but we have since slid into an age wherein no one thinks twice about practicing deception.

100% Guaranteed X-ray Glasses!

The biggest deception, of course, is that whole Man-Made Climate Change & Global Warming And Also Grow Hair! thing that crooks and liars hammer us with today. But I’m afraid it all started with someone selling X-ray Glasses through the 1950s comic books.