Tag: monkeypox scare

Some Gobbledygook You’re Bound to Hear

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Chattering teeth Stock Photos, Royalty Free Chattering teeth Images | Depositphotos

One more week to Labor Day–and then in the nooze media it’ll be all politics, all the time.

Here is some of the twaddle you’re likely to hear.

*”With me in office the crime rate didn’t increase as much as it did last month! It only increased a bit, well short of 50%. We are very far from everybody being a criminal!”

*”We brought gas prices down!” (By doubling them to over $5 a gallon, then shaving off a few pennies to bring it under $5. Magic!) [P.S.–They’re actually using this one.]

*”Your FBI is not a Democrat goon squad!” Tell us another.

*”Only we can protect you from monkeypox!” Or whatever other germ happens to be in vogue. Cough up those freedoms, everybody.

*”We only hired 87,000 new IRS agents to serve you better!”

*”Vote-by-Mail is a completely honest and reliable system.”

Oops, I have to stop. I am informed that that last one actually caused several readers to fall out of their chairs.

 

 

New CDC Guidelines for, um, ‘Having Sex’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Happy Puppies Photograph by Warren Photographic | Pixels

Here we go with the happy puppies again. How am I supposed to illustrate this mess?

(Thanks to Susan for the nooze clip–blame her.)

Reacting to the new monkeypox scare, the government’s Center for Disease Control has issued new guidelines for “having sex” (See https://www.cdc.gov/poxvirus/monkeypox/pdf/MPX_Social_Gatherings_Safer_Sex-508.pdf for one of several examples)–and how the dickens do I write about this? I knew I was in trouble when I read a reminder to “wash your hands, fetish gear [“fetish gear”?], and sex toys” after “having sex.”

Yeah, better wash that fetish gear… Like everybody has some.

We’re also counseled to avoid “hugging, massaging, kissing”–but M______ is “always safe.” But just to make sure, preserve “social distancing” when “having sex.” Try not to do it at a distance less than six feet.

I trust this gives you some idea of how hard it is to write satire, these days.

But not to worry! There’s always mail-in voting! That’s how you wind up with SloJo in the White House. You know they’re gonna go for that again!

Oh, No! Worse Than Monkeypox!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Sea Monkeys: False Advertising of Science Can Still be Fascinating!

Done with COVID-19? Not yet suitably scared of monkeypox?

Well, hang onto your hats–here comes sea monkeypox!

“Yeah, folks, sorry about that, but we gotta lock you down again,” says Chief Phrenologist Otto Blotto, of the World Wellness Fanabla (WWF). “Thank goodness we already have drop boxes, absentee ballot forms, and mail-in ballots stockpiled in Mordor. So it won’t affect the midterm elections.”

According to information found inside a box of Lucky Charms, sea monkeypox can be contracted by anyone (and probably everyone) living within 2,500 miles of any salt water. Symptoms include a weird-looking physique, growth of a caudal appendage (he means a tail), a sudden eagerness to be trained, and shrinkage down to the size of a brine shrimp. Successful therapy includes casting multiple votes for the Democrat candidate in your district.

At all times, Dr. Blotto added, the WWF will live true to its Scientific Motto: “Democracy dies when Democrats don’t win.”