Tag Archives: space exploration

‘Scientists Say the Darnedest Things! (A Job for Dead Astronauts)’ (2016)

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“Mission Control, we have a problem.”

Hey! Maybe we can get life started on other planets by dumping out dead astronauts there!


See, the dead astronaut, besides being instantly transformed into a reliable Democrat voter, will have a body full of microbes; and when they find themselves on a lifeless planet orbiting another star, why, they’ll just naturally start evolving! Maybe by the time we’ve figured out how to get a spaceship there without the astronauts dying on the way, they’ll have evolved their own Soupy Sales.

Uh, dude! Didn’t you say Evolution, like, takes millions and billions of years for a microbe to Evolve into, say, one of those fish-things? Like, who wants to wait that long to see if your experiment works?

Science to announce discovery of life on Mercury!

Scientists at the Obama Space Center are set to announce the discovery of life on the planet closest to the Sun.

Their statement was made in response to news reports that NASA was about to announce the discovery of life on Europa, one of Jupiter’s moons ( http://www.express.co.uk/news/science/712852/LIFE-on-Europa-NASA-alien-jupiter ).

“Just because they have a bigger budget, they think they’re the only space agency in town,” said Jango Densely, director of the Obama Space Center. “Then they go and paste up a headline that gets everybody all excited: Is There Life on Europa?  But then you read the damn thing, and what it says is that they’ve noticed ‘activity that may be–may be!–related to the presence of a subsurface ocean on Europa.’ What a load of bull! Why don’t NASA just stick to pushing Climate Change, and leave the real space exploration to us?”

According to unreliable but really kind of cool sources, the Obama Space Center plans to steal NASA’s thunder by announcing their discovery of “tiny little people” on the planet Mercury, “living in tiny little cities with tiny little buildings.”

“This is important because it proves that nothing in the Bible is true,” said a scientist who didn’t want to be named. “Only stuff that Darwin said is true. And now Attorney General Loretta Lunch–er, Lynch–is studying the possibility of investigating and prosecuting anyone who practices Evolution Denial.”

An even more confidential source said, “Don’t listen to any of them. All they found was an old Life Magazine up there.”

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