Tag: absurd experiments

The Forgotten Worlds of Joe Collidge

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“”The Presisstints of Memry”” by Sal Maglie (oar sumb-boddy)

I dunno whAt hes Talking “about!”!” I hasnt forgot nothing!!!! Hes the One Whoos loosing “his”” Memry!!

Our Nothing Studdies prefesser, Dr. Limbo, “he has” Starrted a Exspearmint and I sined Up “tobe” In It!!!!!!

What “if” we was awl Baybys wen we starrtid Collidge?? And lyke 18 oar 19 oar twinty20 yeers Old wen we starrtid Kintergardin??? Prefesser Limbo he “says it” wood maik Us “beter human beans”!”!” So nhow wen We “go” To lextures and stuff,, we gots to ware Dypers and be in Craydals and drink Millk fromb Bayby bottels.

And the prefesser he says “Try” to “Forgett (!) evry thing you Evver lernt sints yiu frist wendt “to” Kintergardin” so yiu Can lurn All Oaver Agin!!!!!!!”” And sumb of us we doughnt “has to” try tooo hard!!!

Has we bin “livving” Backwords awl Thiss tyme??? Betcha we did!!! We shooda STARRTED in Collidge wen we was Baybys and whorked Out “whay” baCk to Kindygarddin!!!!

We whil Get It Ryte thiss tyme!!!!

‘Scientists Plan to Grow Neanderthal Brains and Install Them in Robots’ (2018)

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Yeah, I know–you thought this story was a hoax. But as far as I was able to find out, it was really on the drawing board. Although where they went to get Neanderthal brains–well, your guess is as good as mine.

Scientists Plan to Grow Neanderthal Brains and Install Them in Robots

Oh? They’re gonna grow the brains in petri dishes? That’s sure to work out well: you’ll wind up with John Kerry. They can’t stop nimrods with thick foreign accents from phoning you every day and trying to scam you by pretending to be from your credit card company; but they can grow Neanderthal brains in petri dishes. So they can put ’em into robots.

Of course it’s real. You don’t think anyone could see this as a movie screenplay, do you?

Science in Action! (Getting Lab Animals Stoned)

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WPLG Local 10 News on Twitter: "Police say nearly 1,200 pounds of pot missing from a warehouse was eaten by mice. https://t.co/lfF4Ch4bwQ https://t.co/Xq3aRSWf3z" / Twitter

This is it for nooze today. I just can’t stand any more.

According to a watchdog organization, White Coat Waste, the National Institute of Health has fumfered away $246 million getting lab animals high on cannabis and having them “vape” with e-cigarettes (https://freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/4056793/posts). NIH broke the law, says White Coat Waste, by not disclosing these expenditures. The NIH has declined to comment.

What happens when you give rats marijuana? If they’re anything like the human stoners I’ve known, they grow boring and pretentious. If they could talk, they’d say things like, “Dude, like, wow, that is heavy, man–ya know?”

That’s almost a quarter of a billion dollars that American taxpayers worked for. What else are they doing, that we don’t know about? Serving tequila to spiders? How am I supposed to ridiculize stuff like this? It ain’t fair to satirists. (“Yeahbut, yeahbut! It makes ’em spin these crazy webs!”)

And it’s abusive to animals who are surely better than the clowns who are experimenting on them.

‘Scientists Say the Darnedest Things! (A Job for Dead Astronauts)’ (2016)

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“Mission Control, we have a problem.”

Hey! Maybe we can get life started on other planets by dumping out dead astronauts there!

Scientists Say the Darnedest Things! (A Job for Dead Astronauts)

See, the dead astronaut, besides being instantly transformed into a reliable Democrat voter, will have a body full of microbes; and when they find themselves on a lifeless planet orbiting another star, why, they’ll just naturally start evolving! Maybe by the time we’ve figured out how to get a spaceship there without the astronauts dying on the way, they’ll have evolved their own Soupy Sales.

Uh, dude! Didn’t you say Evolution, like, takes millions and billions of years for a microbe to Evolve into, say, one of those fish-things? Like, who wants to wait that long to see if your experiment works?