It takes a giant fraud to introduce a giant fraud, so back in 2016 we pressed the Cardiff Giant into service to present formal findings that fraudulent scientific papers in 2016 were ten times more common (!) than they were in the 1970s.
Yeah, Science always has the answers. Even when it’s lying. Science is true even when it’s lying. Just ask any liberal.
No problem. In at least one published, peer-reviewed scientific paper, the authors said it was perfectly all right to lie, if that’s what it takes to get the plebs out there to do what you want them to do.
Ask any liberal.
Scientists at the Obama Space Center are set to announce the discovery of life on the planet closest to the Sun.
Their statement was made in response to news reports that NASA was about to announce the discovery of life on Europa, one of Jupiter’s moons ( http://www.express.co.uk/news/science/712852/LIFE-on-Europa-NASA-alien-jupiter ).
“Just because they have a bigger budget, they think they’re the only space agency in town,” said Jango Densely, director of the Obama Space Center. “Then they go and paste up a headline that gets everybody all excited: Is There Life on Europa? But then you read the damn thing, and what it says is that they’ve noticed ‘activity that may be–may be!–related to the presence of a subsurface ocean on Europa.’ What a load of bull! Why don’t NASA just stick to pushing Climate Change, and leave the real space exploration to us?”
According to unreliable but really kind of cool sources, the Obama Space Center plans to steal NASA’s thunder by announcing their discovery of “tiny little people” on the planet Mercury, “living in tiny little cities with tiny little buildings.”
“This is important because it proves that nothing in the Bible is true,” said a scientist who didn’t want to be named. “Only stuff that Darwin said is true. And now Attorney General Loretta Lunch–er, Lynch–is studying the possibility of investigating and prosecuting anyone who practices Evolution Denial.”
An even more confidential source said, “Don’t listen to any of them. All they found was an old Life Magazine up there.”
Hear at the collidge all us interllectural we are exited by fantastick news abuot a docter in Ittaly he is goin to do a Head Trans Plant!! ( http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/7147862/Head-transplant-ops-will-work-say-experts-but-the-side-effects-could-be-the-worst-form-of-insanity-ever-experienced-by-a-human.html ) If yiu dont beleave it jist reed that news storry.
My prefesser he sayed “its” abuot “time somboddy done this opperatoin.’ In the storry thay sayed like maybbe the guy who gets the Head Trans Plant he wil go crazy! Wel waht dose that mater?? This hear it is Sceince! and yiu cant get in the way of Sceince!! and any boddy whoo try to stop Sceince he shuld be shott!
So i assked my prefesser wel then, Whatt Abuot Kate Lynn Gender, i heared She wonts to go back to bein A man and i dont kno howe yiu wuld doo that “maybbe one of theese Head Trans Plants” it wuld work? and My prefesser he sayed it dont mater whith Kate Lynn becose She nevver had Her Man Parts choped off and i amlost faynted becose i dint kno thatt! Yuo “mean” She stil Has “got a Pee Pee Ding Dong???” And My prefesser He sayed So “whatt,” yiu got Moth Antenners thay “growin ote of yuor” Four Head so yiu got no Buzness makin “fun” of Kate Lynn Gender and anyhow–Once thay get this hear Head Trans Plant down Pat, kate Lynn she can have lyke a hole Closet ful of boddies with no Heads and She can scroow her Head on a diffrint boddy everry day!
Thatt is “whatt makes thiss a Grate” momment in Sceince my prefesser he sayed. Wel whatt “abuot” the Statchue of Kate Lynn we just builded on the campas, how we goin to Change the Head on the Statchue thatts whatt i want to know? but he jist sayed “Dont yiu has to deecide weather you goin to get shot with them newe Hor moans they got wating for yiu”? Wel i donnow, that got fish and crabb and Spider Hormoans in that and whatt iff it mess me all upp? So he made me go ovver hear and sitt by My Self untill i deecide abuot the New hormoans…
And i gettin awffle hongry, goood thing i rembred to ware sox i can alyaws ete themm iff i has to Stay in this korner all daye.
Thanks to Global Warming and all that, says a scientist at the University of Kent, UK, rising sea levels are going to inundate the earth and the human race will evolve to live underwater, complete with gills, webbed feet and hands, an extra layer of fat for insulation, etc., etc. ( http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3396624/Webbed-feet-cat-s-eyes-gills-Features-just-humans-evolve-deal-water-world-global-warming-second-ice-age.html ) And voila! The Creature from the Black Lagoon.
It’s hard to decide how to label this. Is it poppycock, humbug, or just B.S.?
If a population of human beings devoted themselves, every day for hours at a stretch, to jumping as high as they could and flapping their arms, how long would it take for their arms to “evolve” into wings?
Or, if that’s asking too much of people who just might have better things to do, perhaps we could perform an experiment. Take some bats and don’t let them fly, but rather keep them in a watery environment day in, day out, for as many generations as it takes for the bats’ wings to evolve into flippers. What will we get out of this, other than a lot of wet, uncomfortable, and down-hearted bats?
I mean, is this stuff even science anymore? Our man from Kent relies on mutations to transform the human race into mermaids. That seems like a long shot, to me. But then that’s why the Darwin set insists on millions, or even billions, of years for Evolution to work its magic. Alas, the vast amounts of time involved make observation somewhat impractical. “You just wait a couple million years, and then you’ll see we were right!” What bunk.
And they say we Christians believe in silly things.
Why are so many cats so scared of cucumbers? It ought to be investigated, and here are some of the questions that should be asked.
Would the cat be startled by any object that you surreptitiously placed behind him while he was eating, or is it just cucumbers?
Would she be afraid of the cucumber if you first called it to her attention while still holding it, and then put it down where she could see it?
Do objects that look like cucumbers produce a strong reaction?
Are the cats who are startled by cucumbers easily startled in other circumstances?
Whatever you do, don’t contact your Congressman and ask him to get the government to fund a study of cats being scared of cucumbers. He will only wonder, while hastening to spend the money, why he didn’t think of that before.
The great thing about snow is, it’s just right for preserving footprints. Especially monster footprints.
Here is someone who found a minotaur’s footprints in her yard. She did some research and discovered they must have been made by a minotaur. Somewhere there must be a handbook that shows you what minotaur tracks look like, and how to tell them apart from those of a raccoon or a deer.
A minotaur is half-bull, half-man, usually a strong, bad-tempered guy with a bull’s head. King Minos, King of Crete, used to keep one in his labyrinth. He fed it Greeks. You could look it up.
We’ve warned you that centaurs are real, and they’re pussycats compared to minotaurs.
A spokesman for the President’s Committee on Centaurs, Minotaurs, and Unipeds has denied that there is a government conspiracy to cover up the existence of such creatures. Last year Congress authorized a budget of $615 billion for the committee. This year, says the spokesman, “We will need more–lots more! Minotaurs are becoming a real problem, sneaking around people’s back yards on snowy nights. Sooner or later, somebody’s gonna get eaten.”
A spokesman for the Congressional Scientific Committee on Centaurs, Minotaurs, Unipeds, and Persons With Their Heads on Backwards has stated that these creatures have become active because of Global Warming. “They’re sure to kill a lot of people,” he added, “unless we can pass one helluva huge tax increase. Then everything will be nice again.”
Why are Fred and Barney sitting together in the car? Science has the answer!
Scientists have been breaking their butts and their hearts, trying to find the “gay gene” (“It’s gotta be there! It’s just gotta!”), and just not getting anywhere–despite their perpetual willingness to say or do anything, to get the results they want.
But now they’ve got something almost as good: the archaeological remains of some poor devil who is being billed as the world’s oldest sodomite ( http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/archaeologists-unearth-5000-year-old-third-gender-caveman ).
Some thousands of years ago, it seems, this guy got buried as a woman instead of a man. Obviously that means he was “gay.” Maybe even a “transvestite” (you get double points if you discover that). It can’t possibly mean he was buried this way to shame or curse him, or as a token of the community’s low esteem. The fact is, nobody knows what it means.
We have a comment, however, from Prof. Stephen “Tiffany” Hormad, chair-being of the Dept. of Gender Studies at Bilgewater University. He is sure he knows exactly what it means.
“It goes to show you that human beings were originally all Gay or Lesbian,” said Dr. Hormad, “and heterosexuality didn’t come along until much, much later in history, as a result of Income Inequality and Global Warming.”
“Happily,” he added, “we are returning to that original condition. And it’s about time, too.”
I had a hard time at the YMCA yesterday: a debate, as it were, on the subject of Global Warming, featuring me vs. everybody else in the locker room.
If I heard it once yesterday, I heard it 50 times: “But 97% of scientists believe in Global Warming!” That makes it true, of course.
You can’t get through. The 97% is carved in stone. You can poke holes in it till you’re blue in the face, and nothing happens. What about the hundreds of scientists who don’t believe in Global Warming, and have said so publicly? Did they ask all scientists, or just the ones who’d be sure to give them the answer that they wanted? And who, by the way, did the asking? And how did they decide who is a “scientist”?
All my opponents need to know is “Science says.” That makes it infallible. That the scientists themselves are all fallible human beings, born into sin, and that their science is strained through a filter of incomplete and often inaccurate information, wishful thinking, prejudice, fear, and desire for advancement is completely irrelevant to them. You just can’t get through.
Is this not idolatry? Science is the work of human minds, and human hands. To worship it is to worship human beings. And we laugh at the ancient Egyptians for worshiping animals.
And they try to convince us that humanism is not a religion.
So how does science get settled, these days? We are told that science is the absolute authority, the sole proprietor of Truth. But how is it decided what Truth is?
Why, that’s easy. Whoever holds the keys to the jailhouse holds the keys to Science. The way to win any scientific debate is by making threats of violence. And it goes way beyond “Shut up or I’ll punch ya in the nose!”
What, you don’t believe that? But a group of 20 prominent “climate scientists” have asked President *Batteries Not Included–a lawless man, if ever there was one–to have “deniers” prosecuted under RICO (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations), a statute created to control organized crime ( http://dailycaller.com/2015/09/17/scientists-ask-obama-to-prosecute-global-warming-skeptics/ ).
See, not agreeing with them about Global Warming means you must be part of a criminal conspiracy, and you must be thrown in jail so that Big Government can get on with its mission to become even bigger, with government-approved “scientists” as its infallible advisers and oracles. If you question or disbelieve their claim that Man-Made Global Warming gonna burn up the world and we all gonna die, unless we give gigantic new powers to a government already grown colossal in its arrogance and its pretensions, you are an Enemy of the People. You are trying to stop our all-wise, all-powerful scientists and politicians from Saving the Planet.
You must be jailed.
That’s how science gets settled. In this lawless age, science must be lawless, too.
A researcher in the Netherlands has suggested that before this glorious century is out, human beings will be regularly having sex with robots and even marrying robots ( http://www.nbcnews.com/id/21271545/ns/technology_and_science-innovation/t/sex-marriage-robots-it-could-happen/#.VctNKvk0NCM ).
“It may sound a little weird, but it isn’t,” he said. “Love and sex with robots are inevitable.” Marriage to robots will probably first be legalized in Massachusetts, he added. Where else?
Ha, ha, ha, that guy had to go out and so i wil finnish this blog post and show you all what a big dop he is. He forgoten everthing he ever learnt in collidge, he dont remember nothing.
Yuo no me. I am in collidge now tryin to ern my degreee in Gender Studies and becom a ful-flegged interllectural. I am alreddy a interllectural but I want to be a bigger one.
You knouw that guy here was gonna say its wrong to have sex whith a robot and to get maried to a robot becuse he is jist a stopid christin and thats what he alyaws says, stuff lik that. My prefesser he says everbody shuld ouhght to have sex with robots, and also maybbe with a mail box if there is no robbot handy. This is libberation.
Also my prefesser he says the Future is ahead of us and the Passed is behind us. How is that for smart? In The Future everboddy wil have sex whith robotts and if you or the robbot get preganent, yuo can have a bortion. The guvverment wil make the christins pay for all the bortions. That wil fix them.
Meenwile you can get exctra creddit in this clas if yuo can proove you has had sex with somthing thatt is not alive, so now I wil go out and try to do that verry thing. Becuse i am a interllectural.