From May 25, 2018
When the hurly-burly’s done, When the battle’s lost and won/
Everyone around here knows It’s time for critter videos.
Thing is, you never know what animals are going to do next. Or what they’re doing just now, sometimes. Like the dog frantically trying to remove rocks from the brook. Or the cockatiels who won’t let the hapless human type on the keyboard. Go figure.
From March 21, 2020
Tuning up to sing our school song–once we decide what it is
G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with the latest on Quokka University.
We’ve been so busy appointing deans and such, we almost forgot one of the most important things for any college–a school song! We’re going to vote on it, and here are the top three candidates so far:
“I’m an Old Cow-Hand from the Rio Grande”
“The Ants Go Marching One by One” (my favorite!)
“I’ve Got Sixpence”
Aunt Feezy is still holding out for “How Much Is That Emu in the Window?”, but she’s the only one. There’s also some support for this old Simon & Garfunkel song, “I am Iraq, I am an Ireland,” but that one doesn’t make much sense to me. There’s a group of tuataras over in New Zealand who sing it really well, but it’s just not a quokka song.
Besides, I think tuatara-singing is an acquired taste, and I have not acquired it yet.
Well, if any of you humans out there want to vote on our school song, please go right ahead. Maybe you can suggest a great song we haven’t thought of yet.
The school song will be sung at half-time during all our pick-up sticks matches.
[Editor’s Note: I was resolved not to allow Joe Collidge to appear today, but he snuck in while I wasn’t looking.]
Thancksgiven Daye it is to-marrow butt i amb not goingto cellarbrate it “becose” America “it” blows and anny how my fambly “thay” woont lett me “in” The house no moar!!
I whant to caul Atentchin to alll themb dum doaps that say Thare isnt no Climbit Chainge or Globble War Ming can yiu beleave How stopid thay “are”??? and thay aslo are sayying Godziller he “Is” not Reel!! Wel if he is “Not” Reel then how comb thares so Manny moovies abote himb?? Lets “see” themb Anser thatt!!!!!
Scyantits thay now know “that” it is Climbit Chainge what cawses all themb Monsters in Jappan!! It is ownly natcheral!!! Globble War Ming it whakes themb up “And” maiks themb crazy!!! and yiu Can axpect To see moar and moar Godziller atacks as the Climbit it chainges moar and moar!! This hear it is Donold Trumpt’s fawult!!!!!! Evry Boddy but himb and al thoze captillist Racists thay reelize we ownly has got tend (10) oar twelf (12) yeers leffted till The “end” “of” The Whorld unlest al the cristchins thay get putt In jale and thare isnt no moar facile fuols!!! Godziller atacks thay “are” jist the Tipp “of” the Iceburger!!!!
Now evry Interllectural in Evry Collidge thay know this but Trumpt he whants to maik the Whorld end and evry boddy dye jist so’s he “Can” Maik a Prophit!!!! That is wye he must got to Be “impeechted” befour he Can “do” it!!! And iff yiu stopid dum peple thinck I amb rawng whell yiu Can “jist” checke whith The U N and thay whil telll yiu evry Thing i sayed it is rihght!!!! Go a “head” and Ask themb i dayre yiu!!!!!!!!!!
Stopid Amarica yiu better “do” what us interllecturals say oar “the” neckst Monstar fromb Monstar Iland it whil be Comming “yore” whay!!!!!
From September 1, 2021
The Blue State Fund for Unity has announced a new plan to make America’s national elections more Democratic… er, I mean “democratic.”
“We got the idea from the way they used to vote for the baseball All-Star game years ago, before computers,” said BSFU Commissar Royce Squeegee: “Grab as many ballots as you can and stay up all night filling ’em out–a great way to get your favorite players onto the team! Even better than the way they voted this year, on line.”
So what is the new idea?
“Phone-in voting!” burbled Squeegee. “Even better than mail-in voting, because we won’t need drop boxes. Anybody with a cell phone can call in as many votes as he wants! What could be more democracy than that?”
California is in line, he said, to be the first state to demonstrate the ineffable desirability of phone-in voting. “Once we overwhelmingly vote Gavin Newsom back into the governor’s mansion, the whole country will follow. I tell ya, blue state governors are already licking their chops over this!
“And if you don’t have a cell phone,” he added, “the Democratic Party will give you one–free! Along with another COVID vaccination, just to sweeten the pot.”
Squeegee rejected the argument that this will lead to bogus elections with millions of more votes than voters. “There’s no such thing as too much voting!” he howled. “We ran a computer simulation that showed 700 million votes for President Biden.
“This is a fundamental transformation to top ’em all!”
From September 25, 2021
Blimey! The next time I do this, it’ll be October!
G’day, this is Byron the Quokka with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV brought to you by the sages at Quokka University. If there’s not a game of Clue going in your neighborhood, these shows are the next best thing.
5:45 P.M. Ch. 41 TALK LIKE ELMER FUDD!–Educational
John Gielgud’s family and friends seriously considered having him put away while he was doing this series for Josip P. Broz’s People’s Public Television. Once he got started talking like Elmer Fudd, he couldn’t stop! For a good while there, it endangered his career. Featured guests: Anthony Quinn, Irene Ryan.
6 P.M. Ch. 08 UNCONTROLLED RAVING ABOUT SPORTS–Sports
Caspar Hoojah does himself an injury as he overreacts to this week’s news in sports! Last week he jumped out his studio’s second-floor window because the Yankees got yanked. This week, who knows? The walls of his studio have since been padded: we’ll see if that keeps him out of the hospital. With R.D. Laing and his orchestra.
Ch. 16 MOVIE–Steamy Jungle Romance
In “Steaming Jungle Passion” (1996), Prof. Gargle (Leonard Bernstein) leads an expedition into the Amazon rain forest in search of Batboy (Frank Buttocks)–only to discover a long-lost city of maniacs ruled by fantastically beautiful women, all of whom want the professor and will do anything to get him! Boobah: Ellen Burstyn. Crowd of lunatics: the June Taylor Dancers. Song: “Itchy Jungle Disease”
6:30 P.M. Ch. 12 CTHULHU & CO.–Cartoons
Inspired by the horror tales of H. P. Lovecraft, these cartoons are guaranteed to freak you out! Many viewers require long-term psychiatric therapy after just one or two exposures. Others, we regret to say, join disreputable cults. Host: Uncle Jack Torrance. Puppets: Beto O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren.
Ch. 52 “YOUR MOVE, STUPID!”–Game Show
Can you play Monopoly, poker, checkers, and Candy Land at the same time? Our celebrity contestants will try to do just that, rushing from table to table as the overhead Monster Clock ticks away… Raul Castro this week puts his title on the line against The Dixie Chicks, Dan Rather, and Barney Rubble. Host: a disembodied head floating in a jar, we don’t know whose.
Well, mates, there you go! Maybe you should record some of these, in case Q.U. ever has to open its doors and start teaching courses. But for the time being, it’s party time!
From July 13, 2019
I’m beginning to fear that maybe this quokka stuff is getting out of hand; but then I’m getting killed with allergies today, so what do I know?
See if you can spot Byron in the crowd of neighbors, friends, and relatives. Some of them will be getting together to play Bell Mountain Trivia later tonight.
I have to go to bed. I feel awful.
From December 1, 2017
I has jist finnished reeding Hillery’s book its caled Waht Hapened and its “al abote” how she “got” cheeted Out “of” being Pressadint by al them Rushins thay was workin For Donold Trumpt and aslo al them De-Plorrables thay are Haters and thay dint want no Wimmim Pressadint,
Wel i tel yiu that boook It is Dynomight! it is so grate i jist had have to writ her a Letter and “hear” it is!!
Deer Hillery i am a Interllectural hear at Collidge and al us intrallecturals we Wanted Yiu “to” be pressadint and we jist abote dyed wehn it turned Out yiu got cheeted out of It! yiu are a godess! and i red yore book and itis so Grate grate grate!!! Thare was a lot Of werds in it I didnt under Stand them al and i thinked you spelt a few of them Rong but at this poynt Wat dose it Matter?? anyway i amb riting To “tel” yiu Dont be Sad we stil wants Yiu to be Pressadint and we wil Not “stop” untill you Are pressadint and al them hatful peple thay stink who dint Vote “four” yiu thay al in Jale “whith” al the Climbit Chainge De-Nyers tooo!! i has Moth Antenners in Case yiu are intersted in that and aslo i has got Yore “pitchure” taped up in my Gender Studies prefessers toool shed that Is “ware” i sleeep at nite! i amb seure Yiu wil Feeel “beter” wen yiu know al Us Interllecturals we Are be-Hind you 100000 Persent!!! Yore frend Joe Collidge!!! PS do yiu like Hankerchifs i amb saving A “nice one” jist fore Yiu!!!
Now al I has to do is figre Out ware to “get” a Stamp so i can male it!!
