Category: satire

Give ‘The Obama Book of Days’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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In just another couple of months, The One, Our Beloved Leader, Barack Hussein Obama, will no longer be our president [two-minute sobbing and sighing and gnashing-of-teeth break]; but that doesn’t mean you and your loved ones can’t relive every precious day of his spectacular and gloriously wonderful presidency.

The Barack Hussein Obama Book of Days is more than just a calendar. For one thing, it costs more: $299.98. But you won’t mind the price when you realize all proceeds go to the President Barack Hussein Obama Library in Mordor, and to the Clinton Foundation.

Every page of this 666-page calendar is embellished with an unforgettable quote by Our Beloved Leader. Imagine the thrill running up your leg as you read these immortal words. “We are the ones that we’ve been waiting for.” “You didn’t build that.” “If you like your doctor, you can keep him.”  “Why, I knew nothing at all about it until I saw it on the TV news.” Imagine the undiluted ecstasy of reliving Our Beloved Leader’s Nobel Peace Prize, and witnessing how the world’s sea levels began to go down, the moment Our Beloved Leader was inaugurated. There are even some quotes by some of Our Beloved Leader’s most trusty acolytes. Deathless words, such as “You have to pass the bill to see what’s in it” and “At this point, what difference does it make?”

The Barack Hussein Obama Book of Days makes an ideal gift for The Winter Festival, May Day, Cinco de Mayo, or any other day! An ideal gift for the people you love, but also an ideal gift for the people you hate.

Buy it now, before they make it compulsory.

Nhow Yuo can Be A Interllectural Like Me!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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I got to aplaude this Guy nammed U.C. Davis he has got “a” kind of Kit that wil help yiu evven If yiu are a ordrinary dum peple to Become a Interllectural jist like Me “and” us hear at Collidge, al yiu got To “do” is memborize his LGBTQIA Resorce Centter Glossery ( http://lgbtqia.ucdavis.edu/educated/glossary.html ).

us Interllecturals we has alyaws knowed “that” Gay Peple thay are Smarter “then” stopid ordrinary peple whoo Dont “even go to” Collidge and It wuld Be a “good thing” iff evryboddy thay Was Gay or Lessbien or Trans Gender!!. Wel yiu has to Be Smart iff yiu goin to writ a Dictinery! Man “that” U.C.Davis he “is” One Smart indervidderal!

Anyhow iff yiu are jist a ordrinary dum Person whoo dont go to Collidge nhow yiu can Be “a” Interllectural iff yiu reed This “evry” day and Memborize al them Deffanitions! We has all reddy Done this “In” our Gender Studies degreee Pogrom.  and “That” is how Wee got to be Interllecturals!!! Thare isnt nothing Better then Collidge for giving yiu a reel Smart Brane but this hear Gay Glossery it Is “the” next Best thing!!!

Voter Registration Forms to be Given for Trick-or-Treat

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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According to not terribly reliable but really cool sources, Trick-or-Treaters in several key voting districts throughout our 57 states will be given voter registration forms when they knock on people’s doors this Halloween.

“All the kiddies have to do is sign ’em and show up to vote,” said C. James Bubo, director of You’re Never Too Young to Vote Democratic. “We’ve taken care of all the rest.”

Mr. Bubo said the project expects to improve on its 130% voter turnout in the last presidential election. “We’re going to be giving cash prizes to every child under 10 years of age who shows up to the polls in costume and votes for Democratic candidates.”

But doesn’t this constitute voter fraud?

Mr. Bubo was laughing too hysterically to answer the question.

Wassamattawit U. to Open Divinity School

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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Funded by a grant from George Sauron, Wassamattawit University has opened a new divinity school.

Located in an abandoned mill on the outskirts of Gary, Indiana, Wassamattawit U. Divinity School will focus on “showing them students that there ain’t nothing in the Bible that’s true,” according to the new dean, Dr. Cadinga Cadonga Silver Swallow.

“We have all kinds of religion courses,” she said, and named a few–Answers That Are Not in Genesis, Mother Earth and Climate Change, How to Be Real Smart, Grooving on the Goddess, and Islam Is Cool. “Our grant says we got to teach young people that they can be spiritual without being Bible thumpers. We will even teach them how to make amulets that attract animal spirit guides.”

Thanks to the grant, she added, the new school expects to be able to attract divinity professors from seminaries all over the country. “It should ought to be a really liberating career move for them,” she said. “They won’t have to pretend anymore that they believe that old and worn-out Bible stuff.”

Tuition for the five-year degree program will be “lots of dollars, but I forget how much,” she said.

Evrything reely Is Discrimbanation!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Ha ha that stopid lee he “had” to Go out so i got “his” blogg and now yiu are All goin to reed somthing that actrualy Makes sents!

I see yore Commints that none of yiu “reely” unnerstands that Evrything yiu Say “and” do It reely Is Discrimbation! “That is whye we has The amerricans With Dis-Abbillities Act becose evrything “and I” do mene Evrything reely is a Dis-Abbillity and so evrything yiu ordrinary dum peple say And doo it discrimbinates aginst Somone!!!

And “that is” whye No one butt us Interllecturals like Me shuld be aloud to Say or Do annything! becose we been To collidge witch makes Us mutch Smarter then yiu Ordrinary dum peple yuo cant Say notthin “whithout” yiu say a Micro Gresion! So that one gye he dont Know it butt “he” is rihgjt, wenh yiu Walk yiu is discrimbinating aginst peple whoo Cant wallk!! and Wen yiu Talk yiu is discrimbinating aginst peple whoo cant Talk! and Evryboddy thay got somme Kind of Dis-Abbillity or other!

Now doo yiu get It? “Whell” i hope so!

Book Review: ‘Kurby the Climate Change Clam’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Kurby the Climate Change Clam by Rigoberta Menchu Dreamcatcher

(Published by the Democrat National Committee, 2016)

Kurby the Clam is tired of dead polar bears floating around his nice, clean ocean. Then his friend Fopsy the Transgender Whale tells him about some incredibly wise people who know how to put a stop to Global Warming. So Kurby hops onto his environmentally safe, rubber band-powered jet ski and goes zooming off to help stop Climate Change.

This new children’s book aims to educate kiddies to the absolute, otherwise-we’re-all-gonna-die necessity of giving government all the money and all the power it needs to control the environment and Save the Planet. Ms. Dreamcatcher is never bashful about praising Climate Change stalwarts like Michael Mann (“the best and wisest man now living”), John Kerry (“the greatest war hero since William the Conqueror”), and Barack Hussein Obama (“He made the sea levels go down!”).

She also makes irrefutable points in favor of Smart Growth and getting rid of air conditioners and refrigerators owned by the common people. As Kurby sagely observes, “Sometimes it’s necessary for deplorable people to give up their luxuries so that really cool and smart people can continue to enjoy them.”

To make the book easier for adults to read aloud to children, the publishers have included a supply of barf bags and a rope with which to tie the child to a chair.

Available at your local United Nations bookstore for a mere $359.95.

We are Not Crazy Hear In Collidge!!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

I abject sternusely to That stopid lee sayin Collidge stodents Thay “are” going batts in reckered Nummbers! he “is” onely Sayin that “becose” he Is Not (!!!) a Intellectural like my self and evryboddy else who goin “to” collidge And he is jellice!!!

yes i Know some inderviddurals thay “in” tharapy but That dont meen thay goin Crazy, in Fact it “is” jist lyke Bringin In yore Car four a Tune Up! That dont “meen” yore car Is crazy!!

see What yiu can doo whith jist a little Loggic? if a car Is Sane than So “is” a collidge stodent!!! and yiu “can” Quuote me on that!!!

Yiu mihghjt as wel Not “arglue” whith Us Interllecturals becose “wee” mutch Smarter than yiu “and” Yiu Wil nevver beet a Interllectural! and Anyhow Tharapy is jist Reckriation four Us and “it” dont meen wee Has gonne even A litle bit looopy. Ordrinary dum peple thay go fishin Or play Cards “butt” us Interllecturals we doo Tharapy. Playin Cards it onely make yiu stopid.

i wuld Say morre butt Now “my” Moth Antenners thay Are iching jist tarrible so i got “to” go Find some Salve or sumthing.

The Liberal Chronicle of Narnia: ‘The Earth Priestess Brings Social Justice to the Workers’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Hundreds of writers have tried to imitate C.S. Lewis’ The Chronicles of Narnia. This is the latest effort.

The “Earth Priestess,” as you may have guessed, is really the White Witch, come back to Narnia to liberate its oppressed minorities from the religious hegemony of Aslan, the Lion. The book is to be published by the Democrat National Committee.

“If you can’t beat ’em, cheat ’em,” said DNC factotum Bill Z. Bubb. He neither confirms nor denies that the author, “Iso Smart,” is cover for the writing team of Al Gore, Chelsea Clinton, and a couple of space aliens.

In this Chronicle, the White Witch overthrows Aslan by exposing him as a transphobic, Islamophobic, micro-aggressing biggit, and the Minority Peoples of Narnia rise up and banish him to the wild wastes of Flyover Country. There is much about this edition of the White Witch that strongly resembles Hillary Clinton: like, for instance, the power her voice has to etch glass.

Mr. Gore was asked how he found the time and inspiration to write a fantasy (if indeed he did write this), when he’s been so busy with the release of his other fantasy–oops, sorry: I mean his non-fiction book–It Would Be Just So Cool to Take All Our Orders from Brussels, co-authored with John Kerry. “I’ve always wanted to improve on Narnia,” he said, “especially in regard to Saving the Planet and promoting feminism and alternative families. I’ve always felt the White Witch–and of course she’s not a witch, that’s just a label that biggits throw around–was the most admirable character in all those books. She represents the female spirituality of The Planet, with Social Justice for all.”

Mind-numbingly creative, The Earth Priestess Brings Social Justice to the Workers comes up with truly unexpected twists–like Dwarf Lives Matter, making the Marsh-Wiggles pay their fair share of taxes, and forcing Centaurs to perform gender re-assignment surgery, to name a few.

Lewis’ Pevensey children having all died in his last Narnia Chronicle, The Last Battle, The Earth Priestess introduces a new group of children from our world–Shawonka, Hussein, Wu Wei Shu, and Glyptodonna, whose two dads are busy campaigning for More Gay Rights. “We explore what American families will look like after one more of our people serves as president,” says Bill Z. Bubb.

All proceeds from the sale of The Earth Priestess Brings Social Justice to the Workers will go to the Clinton Foundation.

Coming Up: New Narnia Book by Liberals

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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Gee, I wish that map of Narnia had reproduced in a larger size. I don’t know how to enlarge it, so break out your magnifying glasses.

When I come back from the nursing home this morning, I’ll tell you about a  new book that’s bound to generate sharp interest: a whole new Chronicle of Narnia, written not by C.S. Lewis, but by liberals.

Stay tuned!

Satire: ‘The Government Can’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

I don’t usually post music videos that aren’t hymns, but I’ve made an exception for this brilliant satirical ditty by Tim Hawkins–taking off on the old Sammy Davis Jr. hit, The Candy Man. One of my esteemed colleagues posted this on my chess page, and I’ve just gotta share it!