Hear at Collidge “this” weak thay tryed “to” Send alll us Stodents Home so thare isnt “that” menny “of” us lefft On Campas jist nhow butt The Stodent Soviet we toled the Amminastriation that iff “thay” maid us al Go Home we wood riot!!! So somb of “us” we “are” staying and annyway wye shood We Be “scaired” “of” a stopid Vyris???
I dont Know “wye” thay didded “this” butt The Addminastriation thay sayed fromb Nhow On al “our” coarses thay has “to be” teeched In Secrete!!!! Whe “are” Not aloud to tell no boddy abuot themb, wee “are Not” aloud to say waht thay bin Teeching Us!!!! In facked one of my Nothing Studdies prefessers she woont evin tel Us waht she “is” teeching us!!!!! “”Jist yiu maik Shure yiu lern it she sayed!!” butt watt doo we Cair, we Got Past/Fale nhow Insted of Graids and no boddy thay evver Fale!!!!
Anether prefesser he sayed “Wee shooda bin Dooing this “al allong” and teeching Nothing “in” Nothing Studdies!!!”” Whell he has a Poynt!!! Butt i amb pritty shure i Whas lerning Nothing anyway,, at leesed i Was Trying To lern Nothing!!
So nhow al The Coarses thay are Secrete,, sumb of us we Cant evin Fyned wat Haul the Class is saposed to be In!! This gye whoo eets Smart Flakes he says thay “are” dooing “This” to pertecked the Collidge fromb annyOne fynd Out watt thay “are” reely Teeching becose Iff “thay” knowed then we wood looze our Funding and aslo “Lots” of Dollers$$$!
Wen wee “are Not” acxurely in Classs we “are” saposed To hied Under Our Bedds so No One frumb rite-Wing biggit hat sites wil know we “Are” Still Hear and maik a Phuss aboat it!!!!!!!
Yeasterday in Nothing Studies “the” prefesser she assined us To Wreite a Termb Payper on “”Whom is Yore Favret Super Heero?””! It “is” doo by the End of “the” Smester and It whil cownt fore Haff our Grayd!!! But That it is “no” promble Becose she is goingto Give us All A’s annyhow,, it wood Be “a” Micro Grecian iff she gived us anny thing but a A!! She sayed this hear payper it “is” a Extrasize in Crickle Thinkking!!!!
Wel i was reely Stuck! Haow do yiu pick yore Favret Super Heero wen thare “is” so Menny Of “themb” and yiu Lyke themb alll??? SupraMan and BahtMan and Aqwavellva Man to saye Nothing “of” Wolfereen and the Blak Pander and Speiderman!!
Butt finely i desiddid my Favret Super Heero of themb “all” it is Wouldy Wouldpecker!!!!!!
Crimbinols and Climbit Chainge Denyars and Haters thay alll gives up and cry wen “thay” here Wouldy Wouldpecker lauhght!!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!! Wen thay here that they know thay Are finnish!!
And gee wow!!! I jist reelyzed “that” i can jist hand “in” this hear Post and that “whil” be my Termb Payper and i woont has to doo anny moar Work “on” it!!!!!!!!!!
Man i amb reely Geting “the” Hang of Collidge!!!
Sumbtimes it is a drag hasing Moth Antenners whitch i got affter thay “shotted me” Up with Moth Hoarmoans to i can be a trans Wimmin but it Didnt Work and so i “got” theez hear Antenners and aslo i can eet jim sox “and” Hankerchifts!!
Wel whe had a grate Lexture to day “in” Nothing Studdies al abuot Woke Meddasin whitch wee kneed Becose “thare” isnt not enuohgh Wimmin Of Culler and Minorites being dockters “and” sturgeons and we has to got Mutch moar “of” themb for Divercity and Sustanabbilty!! And”the”” whay “yiu lern Meddasin and Sturgery” “is jist bye Doing It” thats whatt the lexturer she sayed!!! “So whoo whants to Vollinteer to trye somb Sturgery?” she askeded and Evry “boddy” thay razed thare Hands!!!
She picked out Fyve 5 of themb and hadded themb push a cupple desks Togetther,, “And nhow wee nead a Pashint!!” And wood yiu beleaveit??? She pickted Me!!! “Come Up “hear” and lay dhown on theez hear deskses and wee wil Do “somb” Sturgery on yiu!!”” Wel i waznt Shure i whanted no sturgery but thay al grabded me “and” holed me dhown “On” themb deskses!!! and then she Reetched into a Bag and taked out a Hatchit!!! “This it is yore luckky Day we Are goingto Ampatate themb stopid Antenners!!!!!”
Of corse i was a Litle bitt affrayed but she taked out a botle and she sayed this hear “it is a Anna Settick al yiu got to Do “is” Drink this And yiu woont feal a Thing!” butt wen she taiked the top off The Botle i gess I panicked becose that stuf it smelt jist Like cat Pee and i didnt whant to Drinkit butt she maid themb holed me “down” and grab my Nose to maik me Oppin my mouth so she Cood “pore” it into me!!! and thenn one of the stodents was sposed to taik “The” hatchit and Chop Off my Antenners!!!!!!!!!!
Yiu cant eevin Imajjin how re-leafed i was wen The Bell it ringed!!! and evry “boddy” thay hadded to “go to” thare neckst Classs!! and i runned aweiay!! That “was” “a” awfful Close Cawl!!!!! i amb like Totilly “in” fayver of Woke Meddasin but i jist whaznt reddy “four” this!!!
Whell! We hadded a spacial lexture “to day” in Nothing Studdies al “abote” Donold Trump and wye he “is” so Eevle and “that is” becose he Is Distended fromb Werwolfs in Germyny!!! So he Can “be” Impeeched foar being a Werwolf!!!!!
He is distended fromb Peeter Strump but than thay chainged thare Name to Trump and eminated fromb Germyny so thay woodnt Get cawt!!! We heered al abote “it” in the Lexture! and thare “was” a Moovy abuot it tooo but i diddnt sea it!
Jist like alll “the” Othher Werwolfs in his fambly Donold Trump hoose name “is” reely Strump he gose Out “at” Nite and terns Intwo a Wolf so that he “can” Proul the Streats of Whashingtin and eate poor peples’ Baybes!!! No boddy knows! how menny innacint peple “he” has eeted so Far but the Lexterer she sayed it gots to be At Leest 3 hunderd 3,00!!!!!! He has got this hear spacial Bellt he putts on that terns himb “into” A Wolf!!! and wen he taikes It Offf agen he terns “Back” into a Racist!!!
He is aslo maiking a Lot of Peple be tooo fat but “that” is anether Stoary!!
Wen al this hear News it “comes out”” thare whil Be a Clammer for himb to get impeeched and then hee shood auhght to Be Extracuted!!!!! It “is” Un-Consatoocionel for the Pressadint “to” “be” “a” Werwolf!!!!!!!!!!
And then Pressadint Obamma he can come “back” And be Pressadint agan for Evver!!!!!!
Spotted on the bulletin board at the Fimbo College Social Justice Intersectional Boombatz Center: “work wanted” ads posted by students who were graduated in June and are now feeling the pinch.
SUPERHERO EXPERT! Your child may has what it takes To be a Superhero, but how would you know? Hire me to monnator your child for Superhero Tendoncies! Give me room and board and salary and I’ll do the rest!!
I CAN TEATCH YOU how to spot Micro-Aggressions! And who to call if you hear one! AND HOW TO WIND UP GETTING MONEY $$ OUT OF IT! Don’t let Them offend you any more!!
WORK WANTED: VIDDEO GAME TRAINER! I just spend four (4) years earning a Degree in Viddeo Game Strageties, and I CAN HELP YOUR SCORES GO UP, WAY UP! Beleave me, I’VE GOT GAME!! And you can have it too! Hire your own LIVE-IN GAMING COATCH!!
I WILL GIVE YOU TOTAL EMOTIONAL SUPPORT!! Nothing Studies Major, 6 year Associate Degree. TIRED OF GETTING NO RESPECT?? I WILL PRAIZE YOU ALL DAY EVERY DAY!! I am the One who will tell you how fantastic and amazing you are! Great for self-esteem! With me around, YOU WILL NEVER FEEL LIKE A LOSER AGAIN!! Salary negotiabble as long as it’s $1,000 at least.
There were more, but now I’m sitting in the eye doctor’s waiting room and can’t write anything else.
I jist fowned out Today that the Collidge “it” “is” “on” Sumer Vacasion!! Wy didnt noboddy Tell me??? No wunder my Class Roombs thay “are” emty Halff “the” time!!
A lott of the Stodents in Superheroe Studdies thay are “stilll” on Campas and i amb kinda jellice becose wen Thay gradurate thay wil reely “Be” Super Herose!!!! In facked “thay” are awlreddy Practising fore it,, thay are tryying On thare Cosstombs and runing aruond “all over” the Campas beeing Super Herose! That”s one “of” thare Prefessers up thare in The pixture!!!
In Nothing Studdies witch is My majer we are ownly lerning “how To” be nothings! That “is” wy I amb jellice!! I wish weed get Cosstombs tooo,, i wood lyke a Nothing Cosstomb!!!!!
I wood lyke to be the kinda Super Heroe whoo flys and locks up Evry Boddy whoo thay is Not “a” Socile Jutstice Worrier;: i wood lock themb Up “in” “a” Jale at the bottum “of The” ocian!!! i wood ware a red Cape whith a pixture of Chay “on” it!!! Butt i gotta saye Nothing Studdies it is moar Fun then Superheroe Studdies,, we whach Cartoons and maike “things” Out “of” Play–Doh!!!! And i am goood “at” It!!!!!!
We had a spacial lexture Today “in” Nothing Studies and boy was “it” Grate!!! our Prefesser she maid “This” Grate Thing abote how to “Tern” thiss hear no-good stinkin “contry” arownd!!!!!
And “its'” “so” simpal!!!!! Al we has “to” “do” is throe al Wite perdsons whoo Are “not” in collidge in Jale and locck “themb” up fourevver!!!!! becose Sub Contiously thay “are” all Sub Contious Wite Stuprembacysts!!!!! and it “is” “so” eeazy to tell whoo Thay are becose thay awlyays Voat for repulbickins and thay sapport Donold Trumpt he Is A Knotsy!!!! Jist Like Hittler!!!
The prefesser she toled Us thare are like 60 millyin or was it billyin, well wattever thay voated for Trumpt so thay Are “alll” Wite stuprembacysts and all of themb thay beelong In Prizzen!!!!
And aslo wee has got to let Out “of” Jale evry Boddy whoo “is” in thare Awlreddy,, let themb All Out!!! becose thay was ownly In thare becose Of Raceism!!!!!!!!!! So let themb Out “and” givve themb Lots Of Dollers witch we can taik from Wite Raceist thay woont knead it ware thay’re Going!!!!
Then we can has Socile Jutstus!!!!!
Last Nihght the Stodent Soviet we maid a wreckamendacion to the Collidge Oficiles that No moar “triger naimes” thay shoodnt be aloud “no” moar!!! and Evry Boddy whoo is naimed affter a Racist thay has “got to” chainge thare naimes Or Else!!!!!
See that gye “in” The pixture?? That is Roberty Lee he “was” a Confrederitt and like he was BAD, reel bad and Eevel, did yiu “know” he usedto Eat his Slaives??? He auhght to bee In Jale!! So fromb “now” on we wreckamend that evry Boddy thare naime “is” Lee thay got to chainge it becose “Lee” “it is” a Triger Naime and it wil triger us and aslo maike us al feeel Un-Safe,, so thay got to chainge it to somthing Else or thay wil get Expelt!!! I dont “know” noboddy naimed “Roberty” thuohgh so i gess “Robert” is alrihght!!
Donold Trumpt he “is” a Racist tooo so noboddy thay cant “be” naimed “Donold” becose that is “a” Triger Naime!!
Thare is “one” gye he shoes up for Nothing Studdies somTime and his naime “it is” Libberatchy and he sayed “Libberatchy he was “not” A Racist” so he woont chainge;, well we beeted him up affter class and Later we figgured out none of us “We” “nevver” herd of noboddy naimed Libberatchy but If “he” “Was” “whyte” that wood maike him A Racist annyhow so fromb “now On” his name it Got to be diffrint.
Meenwyle “we” “are” thinkin of DoingAway whith naimes becose al Naimes thay are nott Incloosift and yiu caint has no reel Divercity unlest Evry Boddy thay “has” al got al The “saime” Naime!!!
But frist “we has” got to stopp All that Trigerring!!!!
It’s suicidal. Not only do we teach your people to hate their country; we also teach them to be stupid. And charge them a fortune for it!
Today’s satire is tomorrow’s nooze.