‘Let’s Plug Soldiers in to Computers…’

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The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) has put up $65 million to see if they can find a way to hook up people’s brains to computers (http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/news/darpa-computer-plug-in-brains-lost-vision-hearing-speech-restore-us-military-r-n-d-research-neural-a7835131.html). Five grants will be handed out to five assorted research bodies.

Oh, boy.

Now, I do hate conspiracy theories. But what we have here is a lot of talk about “developing an implantable system to provide precision communication between the brain and the digital world” and it’s going to have all these wonderful peachy-keen medical applications. We also get some muttering about using new technology to produce “super soldiers.” I’m sure The Outer Limits did an episode about that in the 1960s.

So here we go again, this time actually putting up money for it–the Smart Science dream of half-human, half-computer supermen.

And again, the thing is, we already know this is a very bad idea! “Colonel, I demand to know why my soldiers are marching backwards!” “Well, gee, General, we just plugged ’em into Lee’s computer.” “Confound it, Colonel! Yesterday you plugged them into Susan’s computer and they all forgot how to put their shoes on!” You can see the potential.

And it always comes wrapped up in a lovely promise of great strides in medicine, nobody gonna be sick no more, doo-dah…

The only silver lining on this cloud is that $65 million, in the scheme of things these days, won’t go very far. They’ll burn their way through that in a week.

And we know it’s a terrible idea. Every instinct cries against it.

Maybe, just for once, we ought to listen. God gave us those instincts for a reason.

Almost Better

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Tech Pod (her new nickname) has almost solved all our email problems. I still can’t mail out my Newswithviews column to my friends, because we have lost our Outlook Express and can’t replace it because it no longer exists. Everything else, though, is working.

Meanwhile, after a week of medication, our cat, Robbie, shows signs of being less hyperthyroid than she was. She’s calmed down a bit, and is no longer ravenously hungry all the time. She needs to put some weight back on, though. Thank you all for your prayers: please keep ’em coming.

It’s already 3:00 and I haven’t gotten back to my book yet, so that may have to wait for tomorrow. But that’s the 4th of July! So it may have to wait for Wednesday.

If you all keep on viewing, I’ll try my level best to keep on blogging. Even on the 4th of July.

Our Email’s Fixed… Again

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I am on record as saying my wife is the smartest person I have ever met. Further proof: this morning she announced that she has solved our email problem. I will now be able to submit book chapters, columns, and articles to my editors.

It means a change in a procedure that I’ve followed literally thousands of times and could probably still do even with my brain removed. I hate changes. Computers are always imposing changes on me. “Today your car will only go backwards. But tomorrow it will only go round and round in circles.” That kind of thing.

Thanks to you all for your suggestions. I don’t know what Patty did to fix this problem, I probably wouldn’t understand it anyhow. In another few hours I will call my Newswithviews editor in Oregon and see if he received my column. If he says yes, I’ll know I’m back in business.

Now I’m Stranded

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Not to bore you all with my computer woes–I can’t even accurately explain what has gone wrong–but it’s always possible that someone might read this and offer a solution.

Basically, all my documents that I have to send to editors–my book chapters, columns, articles I’ve edited–are marooned in Microsoft Word and can’t be sent out. In trying to solve the email problem we had last week, my wife un-installed Windows Live Mail, with a view to re-installing it. Well, it didn’t re-install and now all my stuff is just plain stuck there.

She wrestled with it for hours today, to no avail. I’m no help because I got no sleep last night, I feel like death warmed over, and I don’t understand any of this stuff anyway.

So for now we’re just dead in the water, as far as submitting chapters and articles goes. Maybe tomorrow Patty will have some idea what to do. She’s really very good at computer trouble-shooting, but this one has stumped her so far.

Help!

Oh, Boy! More Computer Hell!

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As if being sick weren’t bad enough, now it seems I can’t submit copy to my various editors. Nope–our “new” [sardonic laughter] email system won’t let me do that. Makes you wonder about the point of any mail system that doesn’t let you send mail.

This computer has it in for me and is trying to destroy me. So now I have columns and articles and no way to deliver them. What’s next–smoke signals? Carrier pigeons? Yelling real loud and hoping they hear it in Oregon?

But I’m afraid that if I try to yell real loud today, I’ll collapse.

What’s With Your Comments?

Look, all I know about computer **** is that it happens at bedtime and I don’t know why it happens.

I was wondering where all the comments went tonight; then, as I was brushing my teeth, my wife discovered they were all “pending.” So she clicked “approve,” and they all seem to have disappeared. I never got a chance to see them. By “pending,” I guess WordPress means I should go pick oakum, for all the good anything I do is going to do me.

So, dear readers, if you’re wondering where your comments went, I’m wondering, too. I can only hope tomorrow will be a better day.

What am I saying? It already is tomorrow.

I hope I don’t dream about computers tonight.

Normal Service Will Be Resumed…

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Once again I find myself an hour late before I start, through no fault of my own.

All my wife wanted to do was to pay a bill online, a banking bill, as is her normal custom. This chewed up 45 minutes of our Saturday night and an hour of our morning today, with no result whatsoever.

They wanted our mobile phone number. We do not have a mobile phone. No matter what route we took, no matter how circuitous, no matter how long, no matter how hard, no matter how much time we spent on hold, listening to this awful tinkly music, it always led back to a demand for our mobile phone number. I guess none of the reps we talked to believed us when we said we didn’t have one.

We’re going to have to close the account and not do business with that bank anymore.

Anyhow, we’re an hour late starting our Monday tasks–but the tale of bricks shall remain the same!–and I will get this blog back up to speed later today, if humanly possible. Please bear with me.

Another High-Tech Pipe Dream

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Hey, boys ‘n’ girls! Wouldn’t it be just absolutely great if we could, like, merge ourselves with some computer, and be funnier and sexier and probably immortal, too?

Google’s director of engineering is pushing this: implant computers inside our brains and hook us all up to the cloud for “a complete merging of human and computer intelligence” by the year 2029 ( http://www.christianpost.com/news/google-directors-hope-for-computers-inside-human-brains-is-anti-christ-human-rights-abuse-theologians-explain-177809/ ).

More like a complete merging of human and computer stupidity, you mean.

Setting aside the question of a little coven of mad scientists and even madder politicians using implanted computers to control everybody’s thoughts and actions–the holy grail of left-wing secularism–who in his right mind wants to be as big a jackass as his computer? Have you seen the capers my computer has gotten up to lately?

Mr. Google sounds like he needs to get out more. A lot more.

But I think if we were to consult Our Lord, He would tell us, “Fear them not.” Wait’ll they merge Mr. Google’s brain with a computer and he winds up forgetting everything and compulsively thrusting his head into the toilet bowl. Hmm, seems to be a little glitch in the computer… And if you happen to be doing anything tricky when they decide you need an update, forget about it.

Thanks (I think) to Linda for the news tip.

Who’s Been Messing With My Computer?

We had big computer woes this morning, and I think I know who–or what–is responsible.

Gremlins.

In fact, I think it was the same gremlin who freaked out William Shatner in the classic “Twilight Zone” episode, Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. This ambitious gremlin tried to wreck an airliner, but Shatner stopped him. So now he plays it safe and just goes after computers.

I’ll have to have a word with my cats: next time this  critter comes after my computer, they are to run up and bite his ankles.

An Unintelligible Message

Lately when I go to edit my posts, I find this cryptic message, in red, displayed across the top of the page. See what you can make of it.

“Minified exception occurred, use the non-minified dev environment for the full error message and additional helpful warnings.”

It would take Daniel to figure this out, and I’m not him.

Should I be scared? Is something bad about to happen to my blog? Or even to my computer? As the message corresponds to no known variant of English, I have no idea what they’re trying to tell me–whoever they are. Aliens, maybe, who’ve monitored our radio and TV transmissions without coming close to understanding them.

I mean, what is the blooming point of issuing a warning to me that I can’t make head nor tail of? Even the Smothers Brothers made more sense than that. (“Why did you yell ‘Fire!’ when you fell into the chocolate?” “Because no one would’ve come if I’d yelled ‘Chocolate!'”)

Anybody out there able to interpret this? Standing by for further instructions.