Sheesh, look at all them freakin’ serifs! You could go blind…
Europe’s on fire with war, Red China wants to invade Taiwan, Brazil’s been taken over by a communist… but our State Dept. has its priorities in order!
They’ve just announced they’re going to change the type font on all official State Dept. documents (https://www.entrepreneur.com/business-news/the-us-state-department-is-canceling-times-new-roman-font/443211). No more “Times New Roman”! It’s got serifs in it. Fooey! It ain’t “accessible” to persons with certain disabilities.
So they’re gonna go with Calibri instead, which has no serifs. Those blasted serifs–
Wait! Stop! News Flash! This Just In:
“The biggest disability of them all is illiteracy,” says former mental patient Sandy Palooka, now a deputy Secretary of State. “So from now on, no official State Dept. documents at all will be printed! There’s an old saying at the FBI, ‘If you don’t write it down, they don’t got a case.’ Well, that’s a very wise saying and we’re taking it to heart–nothing in writing! Hey, whatever font you use, it don’t matter if somebody they can’t read at all. And if there’s just one person who can’t read, that’s one too many!”
Here we go with the happy puppies again. How am I supposed to illustrate this mess?
(Thanks to Susan for the nooze clip–blame her.)
Reacting to the new monkeypox scare, the government’s Center for Disease Control has issued new guidelines for “having sex” (See https://www.cdc.gov/poxvirus/monkeypox/pdf/MPX_Social_Gatherings_Safer_Sex-508.pdf for one of several examples)–and how the dickens do I write about this? I knew I was in trouble when I read a reminder to “wash your hands, fetish gear [“fetish gear”?], and sex toys” after “having sex.”
Yeah, better wash that fetish gear… Like everybody has some.
We’re also counseled to avoid “hugging, massaging, kissing”–but M______ is “always safe.” But just to make sure, preserve “social distancing” when “having sex.” Try not to do it at a distance less than six feet.
I trust this gives you some idea of how hard it is to write satire, these days.
But not to worry! There’s always mail-in voting! That’s how you wind up with SloJo in the White House. You know they’re gonna go for that again!
Guess what? They hate you!
The Public Broadcasting System this week has fired its head lawyer, Michael Beller, for getting caught on video saying how much he hates and despises the American people who pay his salary (https://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2021/01/pbs_fires_its_chief_counsel_for_saying_what_democrats_really_think.html).
Project Veritas caught Mr. Beller. So PBS’s CEO fired him because, let’s face it, PBS is entirely funded by the American people and it’s bad for them to be calling the people names and saying it’d be great if more of the dumb ‘n’ stupid peasants died of COVID, etc. The CEO whined about Veritas’ “deceptive videos” and then fired Beller anyhow. Huh?
Beller also said Republicans’ children should be forcibly taken from them and put in re-education camps. Silly Wabbit. Hasn’t he heard of public schooling?
The author of the piece at The American Thinker, Andrea Widburg, says Beller was fired because the opinions he expressed are practically universal among the Washington D.C. elite. They all despise us.
Why must we be, um, “governed” by people who hate us? Don’t you think there’s something wrong with that.?
Speaking of phony weather forecasts, fraudulent elections, and other humbugs reminded me of this incident from three years ago–the EPA’s highest-paid employee sentenced to 32 months in prison for… well, fraud.
Government Climate Change Whiz Draws Prison Term for Fraud
For 15 years this guy pretended he was working for the CIA in Pakistan so don’t bother him, he’s busy being a super-spy. He got away with it for 15 years.
But as a noted Climate Change wallah, he was making a career of fraud. Scare the plebs so they’ll obey the government! We’re all gonna die (!) unless we give the government vast new powers to meddle with our lives!
I’m sure he’s out of jail by now–probably waiting for China Joe Biden to re-hired him.
The kid burped! Quick, call the cops!
(We still haven’t recovered from five disastrous weeks of intermittent internet access, and viewership here has subsided to 2016 levels. So we might as well run a post from 2016, too. It’s a kind of time travel.)
It’s always just about impossible to decide which was the most outrageous public education story for any given year. But this one would certainly be up there.
Boy, 13, Jailed for… Burping
That year, in Albuquerque, saw police–had they nothing better to do?–bust a 13-year-old boy and throw him in jail for… burping in class. Yes, idiotic “school officials” who couldn’t deal with a kid being silly called the police. And the police came.
What kind of lesson does that teach? Go ahead, pick one.
The government has too much of our money and they spend it foolishly, if not insanely.
See? It’s not satire at all.
Just when we were finally ready to accept Science as the ultimate arbiter of, like, everything, along comes Feminist Glaciology.
Apparently glaciers behave differently when studied by women instead of men. But of course there are no “facts.” Facts are hateful.
In liberalism, Science and Lunacy have met and infected each other.
The newly-renovated Bayonne Bridge connecting New Jersey and Staten Island had to be closed yesterday–because, when winter weather hits, the freakin’ ramp turned out to be too steep and cars and trucks not only couldn’t climb the slippery slope: some of them got up a little ways and began to slide back down.
This after millions of dollars were spent on assorted feasibility studies, tens of millions on construction, with a bottom-line cost of well over a billion dollars and maybe, eventually, more.
Didn’t they know it would be too steep, if the roads were icy? Aren’t engineers supposed to know those things? Or were they just counting on Climate Change to make snow and ice and sleet, like, just not happening anymore?
Can’t take it back to the store and ask for a refund, can we?
Oh, well, hey, it works just fine in nice weather!
You’re not going to believe this.
According to a report by The College and University Professional Association for Human Resources, professors who “teach” bulls*** courses like Women’s Studies, Queer Studies, Jump in a Lake Studies, etc…. make $15,000 a year more in salaries than professors who teach real subjects like math and science (https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=11213). That was for the 2017-2018 academic year.
Well, hey, Kansas State is advertising for a Women’s Studies chairbiped–and offering a salary of $140,000. Crapola been very, very good to me!
Even if you’re not shelling out big bucks to send your offspring to one of these institutions of tommyrot, you’re still paying your taxes, aren’t you? Your taxes help to pay those salaries, to say nothing to the lavish pension packages. Your tax money that you worked for is paying for this burlesque, this parody, this mockery of “education.”
And if your son or daughter is “learning” it, he or she will come out of college totally unemployable–and with, on the average, $150,000 in student debt. That’s a lot of hours selling slurpees at the 7-11.
In 20 years or less, scientists will probably discover life on another planet, according to NASA bigwigs (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-5087185/NASA-experts-says-alien-life-20-yrs.html). Hey, a couple of Jupiter’s moons have water under their ice. There might be mermaids.
Dig this quote. “We’re using the same climate models that we use to project 21st century climate change on Earth to do simulations of specific exoplanets that have been discovered, and hypothetical planets [emphasis added].”
I guess you can always make Climbit Change models work on hypothetical planets created by you and your computer. You will probably find hypothetical life on your hypothetical planets. Too bad you can’t fund it with hypothetical tax dollars.
Humanist religion demands a universe full of inhabited planets where life arose spontaneously through random events and then evolved into Al Franken. “See? See! This proves there is no God! This proves he didn’t create nothin’!” That’s what they’re looking to shout from the housetops.
There is no reason why God should not have created life on other planets. I suspect He probably has. But so far, we have found no evidence of it. And what may or may not have happened on some planet a dozen light-years from ours, even if it could be known, is probably irrelevant.
Or at least hypothetically irrelevant.