satire – Page 6 – Lee Duigon

The Obama administration has granted $750 billion (that’s billion with a b) to a company that is developing a way to wash toilet paper so that it can be used again.

“There’s no such thing as too high a price when you’re fighting Climate Change,” said White House spokesman Slick Gullimoffin. “Anyhow, it won’t cost you a cent unless you’re white.” The project, he explained, will be paid for by a new White Privilege tax of 70% on all income.

“We are tremendously excited by the early trials of this product,” said U.S. Dept. of Energy Secretary Humbold Screwtape. “Heretofore, laundering your toilet paper has always been a difficult proposition. I mean, like, it would always fall apart when it got wet!

“But now, thanks to a new process developed by The Clinton Foundation, you can actually hand-wash your toilet paper in the kitchen sink, and it only takes about 20 minutes per sheet.”

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Jezebel Shagrat pointed to an added benefit. “Once we move all the common people into Agenda 21 housing, you won’t have closet space for a lot of rolls of toilet paper. But for just a couple of hours’ labor a day, you can have all the toilet paper you need.”

Asked precisely how washing toilet paper was going to Save the Planet, Mr. Gullimoffin ruled that such a question was disrespectful to the office of the president and had White House guards take the questioner outside and shoot him.

Bolus Entertainment is seeking sponsors for its new, can’t-miss, blockbuster TV series, P.C. Police: Diversity Squad.

The two main characters, cops Spike and Evita, both of them undocumented asylum seekers, “are real good buddies and–ahem!–a lot more,” says executive producer Yersinia Pestis. “In each and every episode, they’re going to make the world safe for Diversity by stomping out anyone who won’t get behind the program.

“Just in the pilot alone,” Pestis said, “Spike and Evita hunt down the last white family in the city, bust up a Climate Change denial ring, deal with an evil Christian musician who tries to refuse to perform at a gay wedding, and help their local community organizer create a safe space for looters.”

“Best of all,” he added, “several major universities have promised to give course credit to students who watch Diversity Squad. And our two stars–who are computer-generated, by the way!–will be visiting campuses to encourage students to sign an oath pledging their lifelong loyalty to the cause of Social Justice.

“TV,” he said, “will never be the same again.”